From: "Wendel" <Tina.wendel@gmx.de>
Date: Sun, 4 Nov 2001 16:07:03 +0100
Subject: new fanfic
Source: direct

TITLE: Immortality

AUTHOR: Christine Wendel (tina.wendel@gmx.de)

Disclaimer: Yes, I love them; but no, they`re not mine.

Spoilers: "Per Manum", "Memento Mori", "SUZ"/"Closure"

Classification: MSR

Keywords: Mulder POV, ANGST!!!

Rating: PG

Archive: Anywhere. Just let me know.

Summary: In "Per Manum" we`ve learned that Scully asked Mulder to become
the father

of her child. -- Here`s the whole story.

Special thanks...:

...go to CarrieK. I couldn`t have done this without you and your
wonderful transcripts. Thank you!



IMMORTALITY

by Christine Wendel

--------------------------------

I don`t know how many reports I`ve read about near-death-experiences. It
has always fascinated me, the question about a life after. Is death
really not the end but some kind of a new beginning? Is there something
that waits for us? Those reports, they all seem practically identical.
There`s this tunnel and this bright light. And there`s this feeling of
complete calmness and peace. Is that really what you experience when
you`re dying? I don`t know what to believe. I`ve read those reports, and
I`ve wondered. But it used to be pure curiosity. -- Now there`s
something different about it.


For quite a while now I`ve known that I`m going to die. My doctor told
me a few weeks ago. He was very sensitive and very honest; I appreciated
it.

Of course, it was quite a blow to me. First, I couldn`t believe it. I
heard the words, but I couldn`t really connect them with myself; I
couldn`t believe it was really |my| fate the doctor was talking about.
It seemed as if he was talking about somebody else -- and somehow it
|still| seems that way to me sometimes. I don`t think that anyone can
grasp the finiteness of their own life, I mean |really| grasp. It`s just
not possible.


I try not to think about it too often; I`m unbeatable in suppressing
unwelcome thoughts and feelings. And it works, it really does. I`m
living my life the way I used to. I just keep going. And I`m fine with
it, really, I am. -- There`s just one little flaw: Scully.

Every time I look at her I`m overcome with this strange mixture of guilt
and agony and fear -- and a regret that I can`t couch in words. And
this whole, perfect masquerade of mine threatens to blow up, all those
walls I built around my heart begin to shake. I know I have to tell her;
but somehow I just can`t find the heart. How do you do it? How do you
explain to another person something you don`t understand yourself?

I`m afraid. I`m so afraid that, if I tell her, the walls will come
tumbling down for good. And I don`t know what I`m supposed to do then. I
don`t know if I could take it. I don`t want Scully to look at me knowing
that she`s looking at a doomed man. I don`t want her pity. I want her
feelings for me to remain just the way they are. No, I don`t wanna tell
her. But I know I have to. I just owe her the truth; I have to tell her
because I know she wouldn`t want me to keep this from her.


The door opens and I steel myself for what`s to come. It`s finally here,
the moment of truth. 


"Morning," she says as she enters the office; and I catch my breath --
she looks dreadful. There are rings round her eyes and she`s appallingly
pale. "What`s wrong?" I ask automatically, unable to hide my concern.


She looks caught. "Nothing," she says. "I`m fine."


I study her for a short while. "You don`t look <fine>," I then state.


"I just didn`t get a lot of sleep last night," she answers. "That`s
all."


I know better, but I nod. She doesn`t wanna talk about it, and I guess I
have to respect that. Still, it cuts me to the quick -- which is
completely childish, I know. I mean, |I`m| the one who never wants to
talk. |I`m| the one with this huge, dark secret.


She approaches my desk, and I know that the truth will have to wait. I
can`t tell her now. The time just isn`t right. "Hey," I say with a grin,
pointing at the file before me. "-Wanna hear the fascinating story of
Mr. Jeffrey Henderson, the spider man?"


XXX


I glance at my watch. For the eighth time in five minutes, if my
counting`s correct. Where is she? She`s gone for more than three hours
now -- she ought to be long back here. 

I need to talk to her. Desperately so. I`ve come to realize that, if I
don`t tell her now, I probably never will. I`m a coward; yes, that`s
what I am. And I think -- no, I |know| - that, come tomorrow, I won`t
have the strength to tell her anymore. I will find some stupid excuse,
|anything| to convince myself that she doesn`t have to know; that it`s
much kinder -- not only to myself but mainly to her -- to leave her in
ignorance.


I push off from my desk and get up. I need to find her.


The hallway is empty, as usual -- but for the first time it makes me
feel uncomfortable. And suddenly I feel infinitely alone.

I take the stairs; I don`t run, but I don`t dawdle either. I don`t
really know where to look for her, but somehow I end up in front of
Skinner`s office. His secretary is nowhere to be seen, so I just knock
and step inside.


Skinner is sitting behind his large desk, and he immediately lifts his
head at my entering. "Agent Mulder," he says, his eyebrows pushing
together in surprise. "Can I help you?"


"Um, yes, probably," I more or less stammer. "I was wondering if you
knew where Scully is. There`s something I need to show her; it`s kind of
urgent."


Now Skinner puts his pen aside and leans back in his armchair. "Is
something wrong?" he asks.


"No," I hurry to assure him. "Nothing`s wrong." I look at him, trying to
make a convincing impression. "- So do you know where I can find her?"


Skinner`s face still shows a tinge of suspicion, but he doesn`t ask any
further questions. Instead, he shakes his head. "No," he says. "I
haven`t seen her since nine o`clock this morning."


I nod, disappointed, and turn round to leave. But Skinner`s voice holds
me back. "Agent Mulder?"


I stop and face him again.


"Are you sure everything`s all right?" he asks.


I`m a little surprised but I try not to let it show. "Yeah, sure," I
say. "Everything`s fine." And with that I walk out of the room, fleeing
almost. Skinner knows us too well, both, me and Scully. He always senses
if there`s something wrong with one of us. I guess that`s okay, even
something I should be pleased about -- well, he`s become a close friend
over the years.

But I just can`t take his concern right now. He`s not the person whose
presence I`m craving for at this moment.


<The morgue,> I suddenly think. <Maybe she`s down in the morgue.> I
remember her telling me about a dead body, discovered by a bunch of
children this morning. Maybe she`s started with the autopsy right after
her return from the lunch break. -- I`m not her superior, and she
doesn`t have to report back to me, after all.


I walk over to the elevator and push the button. When the doors slide
open a few seconds later, I`m almost knocked down by two agents who
emerge from the cage. They don`t even deign to look at me, but I`m used
to it. I don`t care. I`ve never cared.


I step into the now empty cage and begin my journey down to the
catacombs of the J.-Edgar-Hoover-Building.

It`s dark in the morgue. No lights. -- No Scully. <Damn it!>

I open the door nevertheless and enter the room, switching on the light.
I now see something lying on one of the tables -- a human shape beneath
a white sheet. I step forward and lift the sheet, so that I can see the
body underneath. No Y-incision has been performed here, I note at once.
This body is still waiting to be autopsied. So Scully wasn`t here. --
But then where is she?


Gradually, I start to get seriously worried. I remember the rings round
her eyes and that she`s been strangely absent-minded all morning. What`s
wrong with her? What is it she`s concealing from me?


Suddenly, the door opens, and I whirl around, startled. "Agent Mulder?"


Patsy Faris, the morgue`s *overseer* is standing in the door, and I take
a second to draw a deep, relieved breath. "I`m looking for Agent
Scully," I then say. "Did you see her?"


"Yes," Patsy answers to my surprise. "Just about five minutes ago, on
the first floor."


For a second I`m too perplex for a reply; then I realize what Patsy`s
just said and I give a short nod, smiling. "Thank you."

When I push past her through the door she gives me a surprised look, but
I hardly notice. I make my way back to the elevator and push the button,
but then decide that I don`t have the patience to wait for the cage. So
I begin to climb the stairs, taking two steps at the same time. I only
slow down when I`ve reached the first floor.


The hallway is stuffed with agents, both, male and female -- but
Scully`s not among them. I sigh, realizing that I`ve missed her. But
then I think that at least she`s back in the building, and I finally
calm down. She`ll come to meet me in our office sooner or later --
maybe she`s already on her way.


I approach the elevator and push the button, then turn to scan the
hallway with one last look. To my surprise, however, the doors open
almost immediately, so that my scan remains very superficial. I turn
back round to the elevator -- and the first moment I think I must be
hallucinating: Scully is standing before me, obviously as surprised to
see me as I am to see her. But then relief overcomes my surprise, and I
smile. "There you are," I say. "I`ve been looking all over for you." I
get into the elevator with her, and the doors close behind us.


"Hi," Scully says, shyly. "Um, I`m sorry. I had a doctor`s appointment
and, um, I don`t know, I guess time just got away from me."


<A doctor`s appointment?> I realize that she won`t meet my eyes, and a
new wave of concern washes over me. "Is anything the matter?" I ask her.


"Nothing," she answers quickly. "No, I just, uh...I went for a walk."


"Mmm." I nod, trying to behave casually. "Then what`s wrong?"


Scully sighs, and I feel a slight feeling of panic building inside me.
"I`m...I`m sorry I haven`t told you," she says. "I don`t know why I
haven`t. I mean, you were always there for me during my illness but,
um..." She pauses, and I think I must be going crazy. <What the hell is
wrong with you?> I want to shout at her. But I keep my feelings under
control as I lean into her. "Don`t make me guess," I say softly.


"I was left unable to conceive with whatever test that they did on me,"
she finally begins to talk. "And I am not ready to accept that I will
never have children."


<Oh God.> I feel as if someone has knocked the wind out of me. <I`m so
sorry, Scully,> I think, looking down so that she won`t see the guilt in
my eyes. Next moment the elevator dings and the doors open into the
basement. I walk out, then turn back to the elevator. <Time for another
truth...>


"Scully, there`s, um, there`s something I haven`t told you either," I
say tentatively. "And I hope you, uh, forgive me and understand why I
would have kept it from you."


"What?" Scully asks, and I can feel her eyes burning hot on my skin.


"During my investigation into your illness I found out the reason why
you were left barren," I tell her. "Your ova were taken from you and
stored in a government lab."


"What?!" Scully looks at me in shock. The elevator doors begin to close,
but she puts up her hand to stop them. "You found them?"


I stand crestfallen. "I -- I took them directly to a specialist who
would tell me if they were okay."


"I don`t believe this."


<God, I`m so sorry...> "Scully, you were deathly ill," I somehow manage.
"And I...I couldn`t bear to give you another piece of bad news."


"Is that what it was?" she asks, hurt in her eyes. "It was bad news?"


"The doctor said that the ova weren`t viable." - <Okay, now it`s out.>


"I want a second opinion."


<What?> I look at Scully, surprised, as she presses the button and the
doors start to close. Automatically, I reach out with both hands and
keep them from closing. But then I just stand there, not knowing what to
say. 


Finally, Scully gives me a short nod. "Well?" she says. And I know that
there`s nothing more I can do at the moment. She needs some time by
herself now. To think about what she`s just learned. 

Reluctantly, I step back and let the doors close.


XXX


I`m lying on my couch, staring at the TV but not really seeing what`s
going on there on the screen.


All evening my thoughts have been revolving around Scully. She`s gotten
her second opinion -- her doctor told her, that those former tests were
too pessimistic and that, in his eyes, there was still a chance she
could become pregnant. God, I`ll never forget the look on her face when
she told me the good news. She looked so happy...


As for me, I didn`t really know what to feel. -- I |still| don`t know
what to feel. I mean, I`m happy for her, of course I am. I`m just afraid
she might be hoping too hard now. What if her doctor`s wrong? Or what if
he`s right, and there really |is| a chance, but it just won`t work?

She`s been through so much -- I just don`t wanna see her get hurt
again.


There`s a knock on my door, and I look up. 

I know it`s her. I can tell by the knocking; soft but determined --
Scully.


I open the door, and she stands before me, a shy smile on her lips.
"Hi," she says. "Um...- Do you have a minute?"


"Sure," I answer, taking a step back. "Come in."


She does so, and together we walk over to the couch where we sit down
next to each other. "'You all right?" I ask her.


"Yeah." She nods, and I notice that she`s playing nervously with her
fingers in her lap. "I, um, I wanted to ask you something," she says,
avoiding my eyes.


"All right, then." I give her an encouraging smile. "Go ahead."


She still doesn`t look up at me. "It`s kind of...difficult," she begins
tentatively. "I don`t really know...I mean..." She stops, exhaling
noisily. "-Puh, this is even harder than I had imagined it to be..."


I bend my head, forcing her to look me in the eyes. "What is it,
Scully?" I ask softly.


She`s feeling more than uncomfortable, I can tell. But finally she
starts talking after all. "I had another doctor`s appointment today,"
she tells me. "And Dr. Parenti said...well, he said that we should start
with the, um, treatment as soon as possible."


<Wow.> Suddenly, I feel a little dizzy. For seconds I just stare at
Scully, then, finally, I clear my throat and ask hoarsely: "You mean you
want...you want to start right away?"


She nods, almost apologetic, it seems. "Yes. Dr. Parenti thinks that
chances will be all the better the less time we waste."


Slowly, my dizziness begins to transform into a strange sensation of
numbness. I don`t know what to say. I can`t believe this. I mean, I knew
that Scully has been thinking of artificial insemination, but somehow
all this seemed to be somewhere far away in the future. -- I can`t
believe this is really the present we`re talking about here.


I feel her look resting upon me, and I try to focus. "So, um...that`s
good news," I say, my voice ringing strangely unfamiliar in my ears. 


She nods without looking at me. "Yes, it is."


And then, abruptly, a thought strikes me, and suddenly there`s this
strange emotion...- Jealousy? "Do you...?" I start off. "I mean..., I
guess you`ve already picked a...donor?"


She winces at my words, ever so slightly, but I notice all the same.
"Well," she begins cautiously, finally lifting her big blue eyes to me,
"that`s why I`m here."


I frown, not really knowing what to make of her words.


"I wanted to ask you something," she says. "And I want you to know that,
whatever your answer will be, it`s gonna be okay with me. I mean, I`d
understand if...if your answer was no. It`s probably overbearing to ask
you anyway-"


"Scully," I stop her flood of words, once again searching for her eyes.
"- What did you wanna ask me?"


She swallows, and I can see that she`s steeling herself for whatever it
is she has to tell me. "I wanted to ask you...," she finally starts off,
"I wanted to ask if...|you| would be my donor."


I`m thunderstruck. Did I just get this right? Is Scully really asking me
to...- No ,it can`t be.

Or can it be?


"There would be no further obligations for you," Scully goes on. "I
mean, you`d be the donor, and that`s it. I wouldn`t expect from you to
take care of the child or anything like that."


Her cheeks are flushed, and my head is still spinning. "You actually
want me for the father of your child?" I finally manage.


She glances shyly at me. "Yes."


I`m torn between shock and a suddenly arising, strange feeling of
excitement. "Are you really sure about that?" I ask with some kind of a
half-smile. "I mean, you know my qualities: I`m selfish, obsessed,
paranoid -- far-sighted... -- Are you really sure you wanna do this to
your child?"


She`s smiling now, and before I know it, a warm feeling has settled in
my stomach. For seconds neither of us speaks a word. "I just...I don`t
know, somehow I wouldn`t want some anonymous number in some catalogue to
be the father of my child," she finally says, quietly. "It just doesn`t
seem right to me."


I look at her, completely at a loss for words. I`m overwhelmed, and I
have no idea what to feel. Everything is so confusing...


"Listen," Scully starts again after a short while of silence, "I know
this is quite a big thing I`m asking you for, here. -- But would you
think about it?"


She`s dropped her voice speaking those last words, and now she`s looking
at me, and I`m almost knocked out by this shimmer in her eyes. "Sure," I
croak. "I will."


She`s relaxing at my words, and I`m thinking that she`s never looked
more beautiful. -- <God, what`s going on here...?>


"Thank you," she whispers. Then she gets up, and I`m already missing her
closeness. "Good night, Mulder."


I watch her heading for the door, unable to move. Seconds later there`s
a soft click, and I know that she`s gone.

And suddenly this apartment seems like the loneliest place in the world
to me.


XXX


It`s quiet around me. No wonder -- it`s Saturday, and I`m probably the
only person in the bureau.


There`s a fly sitting on my desk, and I watch it from the corner of my
eye while chewing on a pencil. I didn`t get a lot of sleep last night
-- no, that`s not entirely true: I didn`t get |any| sleep last night. I
promised Scully to think about her request, and that`s what I`m doing.
Actually, it`s all I've |been| doing since yesterday evening.


Me -- a father? God, I still feel like a child myself sometimes. How
could I possibly do it? How could someone like me be a father? The
thought frightens me. I don`t really know why, but it`s true.


And yet, I suddenly catch myself wondering what it would be like to hold
someone in my arms who`d literally be a part of me -- and a part of
Scully. I can almost picture the baby looking at me with Scully`s blue
eyes, and it just feels so right...

I don`t know if I`m ready to be a father, but I |do| know that I
wouldn`t want to see another man reflecting in the features of Scully`s
child.


I think about my father; about all those things we should have done
together but never did. And suddenly, I feel this urge, this |need|,
deep down inside me, to do it better. I want to spend as much time with
my child as I possibly can. I want to teach him or her how to play
baseball and basketball and... -- I don`t want <no further
obligations>; I want the whole nine yards!


But then I remember, and I realize that I can`t have that. However I
decide, I`ll never see my child grow up. And it`s probably for the first
time, I guess, that I truly realize what I`m going to lose. <God,
Scully...> I don`t want to die. I don`t want to leave her here alone.

But then...- maybe I won`t have to...


I jump up, suddenly knowing what I need to do. I`ve never seen more
clearly in my life. It`s amazing.


Without looking back I leave the office, and I`m on my way. It`s the
right way. The |only| way. I feel it my heart, and I`m not afraid
anymore.


XXX


I`m not afraid, no. Just a little nervous...

I take a deep breath, then lift my hand and knock. -- Boy, I feel like
a twelve-year-old facing his first date...


She opens almost immediately, and I feel my hands beginning to sweat.
"Hi," she says, and I can`t help noticing that, somehow, she seems a
little nervous, too. "Hi," I greet her back.


"Come on in."


"Thanks." I enter the apartment, and she closes the door behind me. "Can
I take your coat?"


I wince at her words. "No," I say quickly. "I can`t stay. I gotta get
back to the office for a while." That`s a lie. But I just fear I might
not have the strength to ever leave again if I stay now.


"Obviously you`ve had some time to think about my request," Scully says,
and I immediately remember my sweating hands. "Um, it`s...it`s not
something that I get asked to do every day," I manage, feeling
increasingly like a complete idiot. "Um, but I am absolutely flattered."
- <You |are| a complete idiot, Fox Mulder.> 

I see the expression on Scully`s face, and I swear I`d kick my ass if I
could. "No, honestly", I say, hoping desperately those words just didn`t
sound as pathetic to her as they did to me.


"Okay, if...if you`re trying to politely say <no>, it`s okay. I...I
understand."


Suddenly I feel a little, thoughtful smile on my lips. "See what`s weird
is...this sounds, and this sounds |really| weird, I know, but I...I just
wouldn`t want this to come between us."


Something in Scully`s face changes. "Yeah," she says flatly. "I
know...I, I understand. I do."


I stare at her, suddenly realizing that she has completely
misunderstood. <Scully, no...> Instinctively, I reach out to stroke her
cheek, but then pull back, startled. <Easy, boy...> "Well...," I say
hoarsely, "the answer is <yes>."


I hardly dare to look at her, but when I finally |do|, I see a million
different emotions playing on her face. And thinking about it, they all
seem pretty much positive to me. She looks happy, truly happy, and I
feel a flood of relief washing over me. I smile, and she smiles back at
me. <God, she`s so beautiful...> She comes into my arms, and I hold her
close to me, thinking that I never want to let her go again. 


But I do. I let her go. As always. 

Things are a little awkward as we part. Funny -- I`ve known this woman
for such a long time now, a life-time, it seems. She`s my best friend,
the one person that I trust. And yet, right now in this moment, I feel
as if we`d just met. Everything seems so new, so confusing...


"Um...Well, I`ll call Dr. Parenti and...," Scully starts off; and I nod,
smiling. 


"I assume that he`ll want to meet you and go through the, uh, the donor
procedure."


"At that part I`m a pro," I say. <God, my heart is beating so loudly,
there`s no way she couldn`t notice...> I give her another smile, then
turn to the door. <I gotta get out of here. -- Fast.>


She doesn`t hold me back. She never does. I leave her apartment, praying
that I`ve made the right decision. Praying that, one day, she will
forgive me for hiding the truth from her. -- God knows |I| won`t...


XXX


"Did you see my jacket anywhere?"


"Um, yeah. Over there." I point at the couch, and Scully crosses the
room with a few quick steps. She`s late for her doctor`s appointment,
and she`s visibly nervous. -- As am I, by the way. Those past few days
have been...well, they`ve been kind of exhausting. The examinations, the
discussions with Scully`s doctor...- I must admit that I've felt a
little overwhelmed by all this. But on the other hand...I don`t know...I
wouldn`t want to miss those days. Scully and I have always been close,
but still, we`ve excluded each other from certain parts of our lives.
Neither of us is particularly good at handling intimacy - |emotional|
intimacy I mean, of course. It`s kinda hard for us to talk about our
feelings. But lately...I don`t know, I think we`re finally about to
cross that line we drew so many years ago. I think Scully is finally
ready to let me in -- as |I| am finally ready to let |her| in. No, I
wouldn`t want to miss those past few days.


"You got everything?" I ask, helping Scully on with her jacket.


She nods. "Yeah, I think so."


"Okay." I look at her, irresolute for a moment. She hasn`t asked me to
accompany her. Does she fear I might not want to come with her? Is it
just that she doesn`t want to bother me? -- Or is this something she
wants to do alone, maybe |needs| to do alone? Without me? I`m not really
sure. Surprisingly enough, I find that I`d |like| to accompany her. In
fact, I even feel a little disappointed because she hasn`t asked.


"Well, I`d...better be going," she says; and I nod, smiling. "I`ll be
waiting here."


She smiles back at me, shyly, nervously. Together, we walk over to the
door. Her hand on the handle, she hesitates briefly, and for a second
I`m thinking that she`s going to ask me after all. 

But then she opens the door, and I remember the words she said to me in
my apartment days ago: <You`d be the donor, and that`s it.>

I know those words were meant to reassure me; and I guess they |did| in
the first place. Now, at this moment, however, they hurt -- so very
much that it scares me.


I`d like to say something to take away her nervousness, but I just can`t
find the words. And a phrase like <Good luck> somehow doesn`t seem to
fit here.

So I remain silent as we`re exchanging one last look.


When she finally turns to leave I feel my heart tighten in my chest, and
I have to fight the urge to run after her. She looks so abandoned
walking down the corridor, so incredibly lonely. I should be at her side
now. I should be at her side, going this path together with her. But
instead, I`m standing motionless, watching her go.


XXX


I`m dreaming.


I`m floating in time, moving to a strong and steady rhythm. It`s the
rhythm of life; the rhythm of |my| life.

I`m naked, but I`m not cold. The liquid surrounding me keeps me warm,
and I feel sheltered in a way I`ve never known before. I`m alone, here
in this place; but I don`t feel lonely. I know I`m a part of something
-- of some|one|. And this knowledge brings a joy to me I never thought
possible. This is where I belong, what I`ve been searching for all my
life.

I close my eyes, and this wonderful strong and steady rhythm becomes my
whole world. Nothing else matters; just me and this heartbeat that gives
me life - |her| heartbeat.


Suddenly, another sound penetrates my mind, and I awake. I find myself
lying on Scully`s couch, and in the dim light I can make out the
features of a petite woman standing at the door. "Scully?" I say
hoarsly. "I must have dozed off. I was waiting for you to get back."

And then I see her face, clearly for the first time, and my heart
tightens. "It didn`t take, did it?" I ask quietly.


She is silent for a while. "I guess it was too much to hope for," she
finally says, and the sadness in her voice is almost more than I can
take. Wordlessly, I open my arms, and she walks into my embrace. I hold
her close to me, breathing her in, and I wonder if she`ll ever know how
much I love her. I`ve been wanting to tell her for so long now. -- And
I |would| have told her.


I remember that day, weeks ago, when I came so close. We`d just returned
from Sacramento. I had lost my mother, and I had lost Samantha -- and
it hurt. So very much. But it was a hurt, a pain, that could be healed.
I realized this the night Scully held me in her arms, comforting me. I
realized that I can take |anything| as long as she`s by my side.


I wanted to tell her, that day. I really wanted to tell her -- right
after my doctor`s appointment.


I had been tortured by horrible headaches, lately, but I thought I`d
caught the flu or something.

Well, it turned out that I`d been dead wrong...


The words my doctor told me that evening changed everything. I couldn`t
tell her anymore, not after what I`d learned. And though it pains me
that she`ll never hear those words from me now, I know that I made the
right decision. I`ve been a selfish bastard all my life -- I won`t be
one now. I won`t tell her I love her, so that I can spend some last few,
wonderful days with her and then leave her behind with the memories. I
won`t do that. I |can`t| do that. It just wouldn`t be fair to her.


She begins to sob. "It was my last chance," she whispers, and I wrap my
arms more tightly around her trembling body; to comfort her -- and to
keep my own body from trembling.

It was |my| last chance, too. Funny -- how can losing someone you never
even knew hurt so much? I wanted this child so badly; I guess I didn`t
even realize just |how| badly until this moment. I can`t believe it`s
supposed to end like this. It just isn`t right. And suddenly, there`s an
emptiness in me that almost brings me to my knees. For a short time I`d
believed I could conquer death. But now death has conquered |me|, once
and for all. I`ve lost this child, |my| child -- and along with it the
immortality I`d just begun to hope for.


Suddenly, the room seems to darken around me; but just when I think the
darkness is about to swallow me up, I feel Scully`s heartbeat against my
chest. Strong and steady. <The rhythm of my life...> - How can I die
when this heart is beating so powerfully? How can I die when she is with
me?

On impulse, I kiss her forehead, then press my forehead against hers.
"Never give up on a miracle," I whisper. And then she kisses |me|; my
cheek, my neck. Her lips are warm against my skin, so full of life. She
embraces me again, and I hold her tightly until everything around us
fades away and our two heartbeats become one. <We`ll find a way. God
help us, we`ll find a way...>


----------------------------------------

FIN

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tina.wendel@gmx.de