Subject: NEW: "In Pace" (1/1) From: amacfarl@oakland.edu (amacfarl) Date: 30 Oct 1997 21:27:01 GMT Note: This is in the famous "I-you" format of Scully's diary as heard in "Memento Mori." I've been known to comment on the recent similarities between The X-Files and Hamlet (i.e. the scene in "Demons" where Mulder confronts his mother is a perfect parallel to the "closet scene," not to mention the Hamlet/Ophelia - Mulder/Scully parallel), and I suppose this is a product of that school of thought. The characters of Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, Walter Skinner and The X-Files are (C) Ten Thirteen Productions and the Fox Network. No infringement is intended. The song, "In Pace" is from the Kenneth Branagh film of Hamlet (Rent it; it's worth sitting through the four hours), and is available on the soundtrack, released by Sony Classical. Rating: G Spoilers: Gethsemane Classification: A (I'd be cheating you if I called it R.) Summary: Scully comes to an understanding about Mulder's death. "In Pace" Ann-Marie MacFarlane amacfarl@oakland.edu In the years that you came to know me, I know you were aware that I hardly ever showed my emotions. This condition was so extreme that I suspect it even led some of our peers to believe the root cause was an absence of emotions. You knew that was never true, no more for me than for you. You knew because you were the only one I would ever show my emotions to. I wept in front of you more than once, memories that uncover me now beyond what you could repair, uncovering me to the cold I can no longer withstand without you. Perhaps that is the reason I am now weeping uncontrollably. Is it the realization that I will die without you? Am I crying for my own life? To my relief, no one even cares. I know there are those among your friends and relatives who care about me, but they do me the honor of not looking at me. I hear the priest struggling to persuade us to entertain the notion of what I already think I believe. What I thought I believed. About death being a simple passage, life not ending with the absence of someone we love. The only time I wish to believe that is now. With Melissa, I thought I could avenge her death. I never wanted to think she was still alive. Then I would be wasting my time. With you, I know there is nothing I can do. I am helpless against the omnipotent powers, the shadows, that put you here. Perhaps I am one of them. I need to believe you are alive somehow, but I can't make myself believe what the priest says. I can't listen to him. I look up as they lift your casket into the ground. I should not have looked. It only makes my weeping worse, more noticeable. I think I detect a tear from each of the Lone Gunmen. There are others here who are crying. I was the only one given a chair. The only one who needed it. I wish you knew that, today, for the most part, I have been treated as if I were your wife. I wish you knew how much I wanted that to be true. I wish I had told you. I do not notice that the burial ends. In my mind, it hasn't even started. In my mind, you still aren't dead. My mind has not caught up with my heart yet, or insanity would match my weeping. Long after the end of the burial, after everyone has left, I get up and throw my handful of earth down at your casket, angrily. Anger at the powers that caused this, anger at you for leaving me and doing something you must have known would kill me. I don't know which. I don't care to dwell on it. I walk to my car and I falter when I see Skinner standing in front of it. He nods as I approach. "Agent Scully... Dana." "Sir," I manage, sniffling. For a moment I suspect he will ask to drive me home. Or maybe he doesn't care. He steps aside to let me unlock my car. Eventually, his eyes on me make me uncomfortable. "Sir?" I question and meet his eyes. He reaches into a front pocket, making me imagine he is fishing for a handkerchief. Instead he finds a compact disc and hands it to me, the name "Hamlet" on the cover. He gently takes my gloved hand and wraps my fingers around the CD. I must have looked bewildered a second ago, because he impulsively puts his arms around me, and then lets go an instant later. You would never be so brief with an embrace. "Just listen to the first track," Skinner tells me, "Read the words." Without another word, he is gone. In my apartment, I throw off my coat and clothes to take a shower. The tears start there again and seem impossible to stop. They killed you. I can't believe you let them kill you. As soon as I find my robe, I put the CD in the player as if it is a key in a lock to free me. I listen to the Latin words and look at the translation. *IN PACE* *Diligite justitiam, o judices terrae.* Cherish righteousness, o judges of the earth. *Justorum animae in manu Dei sunt, et non tanget illos tormentum mortis.* The souls of the righteous are in the hand of God, and the torment of death will not touch them. *Visi sunt oculis insapientum mori, et aestimata est afflictio exitus illorum -- illi autem sunt in pace.* In the sight of the unwise they seemed to die, and their departure is taken for misery -- but they are at peace. *Tyrannus impius non habet spem, et si quidem longae vitae erit, in nihilum computabitur.* The ungodly ruler has no hope, and even if he lives long, he shall be regarded as nothing. *Princeps autem justus, ille in pace est.* But the just prince, he is at rest. I don't stop crying, but I finally understand what has happened. They think they won. But they could not kill you, because they cannot destroy the truth. You knew that. I thought you had forgotten, but you still knew. You still know. I believe you are at rest. I have to believe it. I want to believe. ------------------------ OK, well, that could have been a lot better too. I'm losing my touch for fanfic Help! Comments welcome at amacfarl@oakland.edu Oh, BTW, there may be one person out there reading this who remembers a thing I wrote a long time ago called Scenes de la Vie de X-Files, a fumbling attempt to recreate La Boheme using Mulder and Scully as Rodolfo and Mimi. That wasn't a great success at the time, and I had only written the equivalent of the first two acts of the opera. It occurred to me that the last two acts could have been done perfectly, substituting Scully's cancer for Mimi's tuberculosis. I never had time to write that, but I just want to mention that I did think about it, and after all, isn't it the thought that counts? :) Thanks for reading, Ann-Marie MacFarlane Scully: So you think Eddie van Blundht is an alien? Mulder: Not unless they have trailer parks in outer space.