From: Kim Knight Date: Sun, 20 Jul 2003 03:17:56 -0500 Subject: In the End- fanfic submission Source: direct Title: In the End Author: Kim K. Rating: PG-13...I guess. Keywords: MSR, Angst, post-ep Spoilers: The End Summary: When the X-Files are destroyed, Scully and Mulder must prepare themselves for changes in both their lives. Archive: Anywhere, just tell me where. :) Feedback: Much appreciated, just send it here: charisma324@hotmail.com Disclaimer: Unfortunately, they are not mine. They belong to their brilliant creator Chris Carter and to each other. Author's Note: Alright, I was watching The End a while back and was inspired. I think I have improved since my last fanfic. Although, I have read over it about 10 times and can't promise you that it is perfect, I still hope you enjoy it!!! :) Godspeed. XxXxXxX It was the end. The realization hit me seconds after I had seen the scorched basement room that had once held all our files, and our lives. Everything had been consumed by the flames. However, the blazed room and the sadness of seeing it like this didn't compare to the many unexplainable emotions I saw in Mulder's eyes. Grief. Guilt. Anger. Revenge. They tore at me. My own eyes filled in tears that I wouldn't let fall. I looked once more into his eyes and then I reached for him. I simply held him. His body was as tight as his clenched jaw. Although no arms surrounded me in return, I knew that me being there and holding him like that, at that moment, was the only thing keeping him sane. For now anyway. He'd had so much hope in finding the truth and everything he had worked his whole life to find, and came so close to finding, but now that hope was shattered. "Let's go Mulder, there's nothing more we can do here." He slowly looked down at me and his eyes softened and then he nodded and looked away. I'm guessing to hide the tears. I grabbed his fore-arm and we slowly turned to the door. As we exited, Skinner approached, but Mulder continued to walk, his hands clenched. I stopped for a second and gave Skinner a closed, forced smile, then followed after Mulder. When I arrived in the garage, I saw his head resting on his hands on my car. I walked up behind him and placed my hand gingerly on his shoulder. He jumped, startled at my touch, then turned and looked at me, his cheeks tear stained and his eyes still watering. "Why?" is all he could force out, with a whisper, at that. I looked to the side, at nothing in particular, and bit and licked my bottom lip, "I don't know Mulder...I guess we got too close and Cancer Man...we just got too close, with Gibson and..." I just left it at that, I really couldn't explain it. I knew why it happened, but I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. Especially to Mulder. It hurt. But no matter what, I knew I could depend on Mulder not to give up. He can't give up. He's gotten too far to give up now. " I just want to go home . . . " he said quietly after the long silence. "Alright, let's go." The drive to his apartment was silent. Mulder was in a daze the entire way there. "Mulder? Mulder...", I said while lightly tapping him to snap him out of whatever thought he was in the middle of. "Hmm? Oh." " Let's get you up stairs and into bed, you need to get some sleep." " Humph, sleep...that's harder than it sounds." He had been through so much in the last few days. Gibson kidnaped, the office being completely destroyed and Dia-Diana. I don't like her or trust her and I have no respect for her whatsoever, which is obvious to some, especially Gibson, but she was still a victim in all this. It could have easily been Mulder or me. No matter how tragic, though, deep down I thank God it was her. I walked with him up to his apartment. He slowly searched for his key and slid it in the lock. He hesitated before opening the door and then lightly pushed with his right hand. I grabbed his free hand and he turned to me with sad, tired eyes. "We'll get through this, Mulder." I tried to assure him with those words. Make them believable, even to myself. His eyes noticeably lit up. I think it relieved him to know that no matter what we were in this thing together. I know he always knew that, but to hear it probably did a little good after all that had happened. I could see the relief in that. He lightly smiled and swept his thumb over my knuckles once or twice. I reached up and wiped his cheeks lightly and then cupped his left cheek and kissed his forehead. I lingered there, longer than I probably should have, and then pulled away, my hand still cupping his cheek... He leaned into my hand and closed his eyes as he brought my other hand to his mouth and brushed his lips across my knuckles. I smiled, with tears in my eyes, then dropped my hand, sliding it down his shoulder. " Goodnight, Mulder." " G'night." He walked into his apartment and shut the door, but all I could do was stand there. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't want him being alone at a time like this, I was concerned for Mulder. He was dying inside. And I felt it. That's how it is with us. If one suffers, the other can feel it. Maybe not with as much intensity, but it is felt. Either way it isn't comforting. I knew I had done what I could without pushing it, so I finally decided to head home. XxX Next day Outside Skinner's Office And now I sit quietly outside Skinner's office while Mulder finds out what the Bureau is going to do with us. The Bureau was very upset about the entire situation, well more at Mulder and me than anything. Had it not been for us, the basement would not have been fileted. They are either going to let us keep the x-files, not likely, or change our lives completely by reassigning us, which really isn't news at all. Before all this, re-assignment was already being considered. I didn't sleep much at all last night, maybe a little over an hour. All I could do the entire night was think of Mulder. I love him. I truly do. It's undeniable. Gibson knows it. We both know that I am the one who was thinking about Mulder and didn't want him to know, that night in the hotel room. I'm not sure when exactly I am going to tell Mulder how I feel. I feel so juvenile. I know he feels something though. I'm just not sure what exactly. Agh, I need to focus on what's happening in my life right *now*. I'm so tired. Emotionally, physically and mentally. My thoughts are scattered. The door finally opens and Mulder walks out. For once, in a very long time, I cannot read the expression on his face. It's not entirely sadness, possibly confusion. Well, there is only one way to find out. "So what happened, what are they going to do with us?" I question, very quickly. I'm worried and its obvious to him. "Nothing we didn't already know or suspect. So far, they are giving us two weeks leave until they reach a verdict. It doesn't look good Scully. They say even if the X-Files do re-open, we won't be working on them. Re-assignment is the most obvious thing at the moment." " Who else would they have work on them, Mulder?"I ask this, knowing I will regret it. He swallows, then looks down as he responds, "Diana, possibly Spender." There is an awkward silence after that, so I opt to change the subject, a little, but not completely. "So, Diana, she's..." He cuts me off, "Awake, better. That's what Skinner told me anyway." "Oh." "Yeah..." "Well...they were able to rescue some of our things, but not much. I'm going to go down and get them and then head on home." "Alright...hey Scully", he says as I turn to leave. "Yeah?" "You mind if I stop by sometime tonight?" "Yeah sure...any particular reason?" "No, not really...to just talk I guess ", he says with a small, hopeful smile. "Alright. Anytime that's good for you." He nods and I turn once again to exit from the waiting area. When I reach the office, with my small box in hand, I look over the black room and then spot what all they had rescued, sitting on the floor. Nothing really valuable, but worth taking home. While packing up what was left of my belongings, tears once again begin to surface. I know what I need to do. I put my last folder in the box, then stop and let it all out. Not too long after, I hear the door open and immediately begin to wipe away the tears. Too late. "Hey, I thought I would go on ahead and get my stuff and-" Busted. "Scully?" he asks with concern and lightly grabs my elbow so I will face him. I turn around, but don't look up at him. He then cups my chin, tipping my face to look up at him. "You've been crying." He says this knowing he is stating the obvious, but wants to make it clear that I can't hide. "I've also been thinking." He urges me with his eyes to continue as he drops the comfort from my face. So I continue as I step away from him, "I've been thinking about all that has happened. About what's best for both of us." He then just looks at me, curiously, and quietly began "Scully, I..." "I'm leaving." I didn't want him to continue, I had to tell him at that moment. "Leaving?" He looks so innocent, like he doesn't understand. And he probably doesn't. "I think I'll either just transfer over to Quantico and teach or completely leave. The Bureau. Everything." " Me?" He says it with such hurt and anger, all at the same time. He doesn't look at me, just down, to fidget with his fingers. "Why, Scully?" "Cause if I leave they will have gotten what they wanted Mulder! And maybe this way you can get the X-Files back and you and Diana can work together again and I won't be around to reprimand everything you say and do." He abruptly looks up. All I see is a man who looks desolate. I know this isn't the best time for me to be telling him all this. He probably can't handle it, but I have to get it out now before I can cower away from it all. "What the hell is that suppose to mean!?" He lashes out, interrupting my thoughts. "You know exactly what I mean, Mulder. With me gone you and Diana will be reunited and I won't be here to hold you back, anymore!" "Damn it Scully! Don't talk like that! I don't want Diana, I want you!" Wow, that was unexpected. I mean, sure I expect him not to be happy about me leaving, but for him to actually openly say that he wants me over Diana, with such passion in his eyes, that just comes as a shock. So, to avoid it getting awkward I do what I always do. I look away. " Mulder, lets talk about this later. This isn't the place for this conversation." He softens and searches for my eyes. "Alright, we can talk about it tonight when I come over." I look up at him. " You're still coming?" "Ah gee Scully, you don't think a little `discussion' is going to keep me away from you do you? It's going take a lot more than that to get rid of me, no matter what happens." His kind eyes assure me of that. His eyes. Mulder has the kindest eyes I have ever seen. They are the most expressive part of him. Its true what they say, that the eyes are the window to the soul. Whatever he is feeling can be seen in his soft eyes. I know so much about him, just because of them. It's kind of chilling, really, to be able to read him so well. I am the only person I know who knows him so well. Sometimes I think I know him better than he knows himself. This is how I know that he is not going to let me leave without a fight, which, to tell you the truth,relieves me. I hope, in the end, I don't end up leaving and he finds a surefire way of changing my mind. Hope is all I have right now. "Scully? Ya there?" " Oh yeah. Well, then I guess I will see tonight." " Do you want me to bring anything? Movies? Music? Wine to drown our sorrows? Twister?" " Ah, anything is fine with me." I smile a little and turn to leave. " Scully?" " Yeah?" " Give me a hug." He has a goofy, yet sentimental look on his face as he opens his arms. " How can I resist?" So I fall into his arms and he kisses me lightly on the top of my head. " Bye", I say as I pull away and make it out the door. He doesn't follow anytime after. He will probably stay in that room for at least 2 hours, reflecting on all that has happened. I don't blame him one bit. Its noon. I have plenty of time before he comes over. I am just going to grab a quick lunch, then let time decide what else I need to do. XxX Scully's Apartment 2:23 p.m. After lunch I decided to pick up some groceries. Just some snack food for Mulder. I don't know what our dinner plan for tonight is. I figure we are just going to order Chinese. Knowing him though, he will still be plenty hungry after that. I decide to call mom. "Margaret." "Hey Mom." "Hi Dana! How are you sweetie?" "Not too good at all, Mom." "What happened? Did something happen to Fox?" "Something happened to both of us. Mom, the office was burnt to a crisp last night. Everything was destroyed except for a few things. They are blaming us, the Bureau is. We are on a 2 week leave until they decide what to do with us. I don't know what to expect, Mom. If the X-Files do re-open there is a very big chance Mulder and I will not be running it anymore." I try as hard as I can to keep from crying. " Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry." " I figure the leave will do us some good, you know, get some rest and all." " What are you going to do?" " I'm thinking about leaving. Maybe altogether. I don't know." " Honey, you can't do that. Do you have any idea how much that will destroy Fox? You're like a lifeline to him. Without you, he is nothing. You do realize that, don't you?" " Yes and no. Mulder said that if the X-Files re-opens, Diana, will be running it more than likely. He and she could be together again. Frankly, I don't know what would make him happier. To be with her again and to continue with the X-Files or for me to stay and risk the chance of he and I not working together." " How can you be so dumb, child? No matter what happens, if you are there for him, he is a happy man. Can't you see that he loves you?" The very thought of that, brings a smile to my face. I banish the thought quickly. " No he doesn't mom. We are best friends and partners. That's it." She just sits there, silent. " Well, I am going to go. I think I am going to clean, be some what productive. Mulder is stopping by tonight for a little while." " Really?" That perked her up. " Well send him my love, and yours too." " Alright, I will send him *your* love. Bye mom, I love you." " Bye Dana, I love you too." Now, that was an interesting conversation. Well so far I am losing the battle. Two points for the `you can't quit Scully' side. One for me. Hmm. Now I shall clean. Oh joy. You would think, being me, that I would be *one of those* who enjoys to clean. To tell you the truth, I wish I was a slob. That would be fun. Like Mulder. If Mulder and I were together, I would let him be as sloppy as he wanted. Ok, that thought was *very* unexpected. Me and Mulder together? Even if he felt the same way I feel about him, "they" wouldn't allow it. It is nice to think about though, even if it hurts at the same time. Alright, I am going to clean now. 2 hours later Looks good. It hasn't looked this good in a while. Now what do I do? I think I am going to go work-out. I haven't used the apartment building's gym in a while. I usually use the Bureau's. It's bigger and has nicer equipment. I might as well put mine to use though. I change into a heather gray sports bra and navy workout shorts and head down to the gym. It's smaller than I remember. They did get new stuff though. There aren't many people here. I see 3 so far. I think I will just lift some weights and try out the new stuff. After a little over an hour, I go outside. Just as I suspected. Rain. It's nice rain. Not violent at all. There is some lightening and thunder every now and then. I love rain. It's relaxing. I take a deep breath of the fresh air and head on back to my apartment and take a quick shower. After I finish I ponder if I should actually bother with my hair or just let it be. I kind of do both. I put some gel in it and let the natural wave do the rest. I go to my room and change into some black leggings and a slate blue cardigan and just slip some socks on. I head to the living room and switch on the TV and then start making some tea in the kitchen. I sit down, with my tea, and see what station I am watching. Obviously, the last time I watched TV was when Mulder was over here because the Sci-fi channel is on and there is a very low budget horror film on. I leave it there. It's more funny than dramatic, to me anyway. I sip my tea and then set it down. I must have dozed off, because next thing I know, there is knocking on the door, the credits are going up on the film and it is 7:35. I get up and open the door, not even bothering to look through the peep-hole. He grins at me. "Hey, Mulder" For some reason I am *really* happy to see him. "Good evening, Scully." Aren't we proper. "I decided to bring the wine, drowning our sorrows sounded like a plan to me." He presents me with the red wine and I let him in and shut the door behind him. "Thanks." " You look nice Scully, I have never seen you with your hair like that. It looks good." " Why thank you, Mulder." I smile at the compliment. He doesn't compliment me much, but when he does, it always makes me feel special. " So what did you do with the rest of your day, Mulder?" I say as he sits down on the couch and I head to the kitchen to get some glasses. " Oh this and that. I stayed in the office for a while, made sure I got everything and looked everywhere to make sure there wasn't anything being left behind. Then I went home, ran 3 miles, took a shower and took a nap. You?" I respond as I head back to the couch and sit down. " Well, I went and got me some lunch, then went to the grocery store, cleaned, a lot, worked out in the gym, took a shower, watched some Sci-fi and fell asleep." "Ooooo, Sci-fi, I seem to be rubbing off on you." " I can't decide if that's a good thing or not." He chuckles at that and I pour the wine. " How do you like the rain?" " I love it. It's beautiful." I take a drink. " Mmmhmm, so what do you want to do for dinner?" " I was thinking Chinese, but anything is fine with me." " I'm for it. I'll order." " Okay, I want..." " I know what you want." He winks at me. I should have known. While he orders in the other room I turn off the TV and put on some music. Nothing like rain and some jazz. Mulder got me hooked on jazz a while back. This is a CD with the greatest jazz artists in history. It's nice. " Alright, it will be here in about 20 minutes." He says as he enters the living room again. " Okay." " Ahhh, jazz, nice choice, Scully. Should I be worried, you are picking up my habits?" " Naaa, you don't have anything to worry about." " Good to know." We both sit back down and drink our wine. " So...what do you wanna do?" I ask this because I have absolutely nothing planned and I have a feeling he will not be leaving until pretty late. " I wanna talk." " About what?" " About us, about what we need to do with our lives right now." That came as a surprise. I mean, I figured we would talk about the X-Files and the future of it all, but us? Whatever "us" means. "Alright, you start." I turn towards him, my left leg tucked under me and my glass in hand as I rest my arm on the back of the couch. He settles himself similarly, but without the glass. De ja vu, except this time it's the *real* Mulder and a *serious* conversation. " Scully, you can't leave me. I don't care what happens, X-Files or not, you are staying with me. It still hurts that you think I would rather have Diana over you. That's so far from the truth. You're all I need. I am a better person because of you and I owe you all I can give. Don't walk away from me like this. Without you, I am nothing. I mean if you want to destroy me, which is harsh, then sure, go. But I know you would never hurt me intentionally. And if you walk away from me and all we have been through together, then that will kill me. Don't kill me. Please Scully, you have two weeks to think about it all. I don't mean to sound selfish, but you know you can't live without me either." He smiles on that last comment and I have tears in my eyes. He loves me. Or he *really* likes me. I wish you could see his eyes right now. They are filled with so much hope and love for just one person. It's truly amazing. I collect myself. "Alright Mulder, I will think about it." I reach out and take his hand in mine. Our fingers intertwine and we just look at each other and smile. He is relieved that I have even considered changing my mind. " More wine?" He asks after minutes of staring. "Yeah." As he pours, the wine, I hear a knock on the door and I answer it. Yay! Food. I am starving. I don't think Mulder had lunch, so he is probably more hungry than I am. I start to pay, when Mulder comes up from behind me and holds out his money to the man. " My treat." He smiles at me and then thanks the man. "Thank you Mulder." " Oh yeah, anytime." We dig in. While eating we engage in small talk. We discuss *everything*. We stray from work conversation as much as possible but talk occasionally about old cases. The fun ones. " So, Scully, what would you change?" " Nothing at all. Well...except for Pfaster, Duane Berry and, ew, Flukeman and... Ok a lot of things for obvious reasons. But, those things aside, I have been perfectly content with my life the past five years. You have a lot to do with that happiness, Mulder." Way to boost his ego, Dana. But come on, the man just lost his life's work, he needs an ego boost. "That's good to know, Scully." "What about you? What would you have had different?" He looks down before he responds, then looks me straight in the eyes." Everything that ever hurt you. Everything that caused you any pain. Anything *I* ever did to cause you pain." I set my food down and move closer to him. He has already finished his food. I take both his hands in mine and I look him in the eyes. "Mulder, never *ever* blame yourself for anything bad that has happened in my life. I blame "them" and "them" alone. If anything, you have helped me through all of the bad. You're all I need." I have never opened up quite that much to anyone. That is, letting them know I need them. The walls have begun to fall. "Then why do you want to leave me?" He doesn't say it to sound cruel in anyway. He just sounds confused. " I don't know. Maybe I just want what's best for you." " But *you* are what's best for me." I smile at that and kiss his forehead. When I am pulling away he grabs my face and crushes his full lips against mine. There is only one word for this kiss. Passionate. It is filled with more passion than I have ever felt from any man. And I am feeling it from Mulder. I kiss him back. The kiss lasts longer than either of us expected. He slowly pulls away, his eyes still shut. "I'm sorry, Scully, I had no right to-" I silence him with my finger. "Shhh, don't be." He smiles against my finger. "Well..." "Well, indeed." " Is this the part where I say `goodnight'?" " Not quite, Mulder." "Alright, then `line please', `cause after that I have no idea what the next move is." " I do." Deep breath. " Really? Then, please clue me in." Here goes. It's now or never. This is possibly going be the hardest thing I ever do in my life, but it has to be done. I have to allow myself to love this man. Deep breath. Think wide-open spaces. Rain. And... " This is hard but I am going to just come right on out and say it", his face drops, he is expecting the worst, "I love you, Mulder. I am *in* love with you." I say this more serious and business-like than I expected. At least I said it though. Now for the reaction. And then it happens. He smiles, very big, and kisses me. Unbelievably with more passion than before. I throw my arms around his neck and he falls on top of me. In between kisses, he sweetly says " I love you too, Scully." Bingo! That's what I want to hear! "Oh God, Mulder..." I give him tiny kisses all over his face, as tears start streaming down my face. He stops. "Geez, Scully, I didn't mean to make you cry." "Mulder, don't be so naive, you no good and well these are tears of joy." And so he kisses me again and again and again. He moves his hands from my face down the curves of my body and then rests them on my hips. He starts to pull at my shirt when it hits me; we can't do this. As much as I want this to happen and as much as I know *he* wants it to happen, I can't let it. I stop kissing him and grab for his hands before he can go any further. " Mulder, I-I can't do this. I can't." And he stops and takes himself off of me. "Wha-What do you mean?" " This," I point my fingers back and forth to both of us, "us, we-we can't." Frankly, I am probably just as confused as he is right now. " Scully, what are you talking about? Did you not mean it?" He stands up and looks at me, hurt, and runs his hands through his hair. I stand up and walk to him and touch his face with the palm of my hand and then turn my back to him. " Mulder, I am not saying that I didn't mean it, because that would be a lie and I would never lie to you. I am saying that no matter how much I love you...if I allow myself to love you, then we could put ourselves in a lot of danger. A lot. And I can't risk that. I can't risk losing you." " No, Scully. No. I don't care about any of that! I just want to be with you. If I walk away now, I am going to regret it and I am so tired of regretting things, Scully! And I know you will regret it too." He walks up behind me and places his hands on my shoulders and then puts his mouth to my ear. I close my eyes and let a light shiver release from within me as he speaks. " I love you, Scully. Nothing will ever make me regret *that*. If I die, at least I will die knowing that you loved me and that you weren't afraid to do it. Damn them if they think their petty acts will ever change what we feel for each other." I turn around and bury my face in his chest then turn so my head is resting there. He wraps his strong arms around me. Shelters me. " God, Mulder, but what if they do *just* that." He smirks and then rests his mouth on my head as he responds, "Why do you doubt love so much, Scully? Why do you doubt *our* love?" I turn my face up to look him in the eyes. He's right. " You're right, Mulder." " Course I'm right." He smiles. " I shouldn't doubt it. You love me and I love you. I need to just let my hair down and seize the moment no matter the consequences!" " That's what I like to hear!" I put my arms around his neck and look him in the eyes. " Why are you so good to me? After all that has happened....why?" He kisses me lightly and chaste. " Because, you are you...you are *my* Scully." " Mmm, *yours*. I like that." " Good to know." " Well I am going to do it. I am going to allow myself to love you and there is nothing they can do or say to keep me from doing it. I love you, Mulder." He takes my face into his hands runs his thumbs over my lips before he kisses me, a beautiful kiss. " I love you too, Scully. That is something they can *never* take away. Ever." And so, I kiss him on the cheek, take his hand and start leading him to my room. But he stops me. " Scully, we don't have to do this. If you want, we can just go out for a drink and just talk about this. I don't want to rush you." The look in his eyes tells me he means it. It is one of those I'm-ready-when-you-are looks. He smiles at me sweetly, kisses my hand and starts leading me to the door. I pull him back. " No, Mulder. I am ready. I am more than ready." I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. It's a kiss that's on the brink of *really* passionate, but on the edge of simply chaste. I pull away and look deeply into his eyes. " I need you tonight, Mulder. I need you more than ever. I want to make love to you. I want to completely forget everything I said about doubting you and me and what we can have, because, as quickly as the doubt came, it is gone, I am finished with doubt. I love you and damn them if they try and stop me from loving you, cause it just ain't gonna happen." And I smile. Good to know my point was well taken, because Mulder scoops me into his arms and carries me into my bedroom. Just before he shuts the door he whispers in my ear, " Let's get it on." XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX Alright. I am sorry to leave you at just that, but #1 I wanna leave it to the reader's imagination to fill in the rest and #2 I don't want you to see my pathetic attempt at a passionate love scene. It just wouldn't work out as nice. BUT! If any of you superb NC-17 writers want to write a sequel(aka the love scene), do it! Tell me about it though. ;) As for the rest of you, tell me what you think. This is my second fanfic and I tried my best.