From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 16 Jun 2002 09:19:25 -0000
Subject: In the presence of angels by Jessica
Source: direct

Reply To: j_rothen@yahoo.se


Titel: In the presence of angels
Author: Jessica  ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )
Rating: PG
Category: Scully V, angst
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se
Spoiler: Emily, Existence
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles
Summary: Scully after William is born
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine.
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar mistake 
may occur.

I never believed in miracles. 
I needed the proof. But I do now. 
As I stand here looking down at my son I know this is my 
miracle. 
I never thought I could feel like this again. 

After Emily it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. 
She was never mine to begin with. But I fell in love. I let 
my heart and soul run away with me and I started to believe 
in a life I had dreamt about for so long. But life failed me.
My god failed me.
I lost my little girl. My angel that was never mine in the 
first place. 
It's hard to describe the pain that breaks your heart in 
millions of pieces. It feels like someone has put a gun to 
your head and pulled the trigger. It feels like your whole 
being has been shattered. 
I lost a part of my soul that day. 
A part that I will never ever find again. 

When I look back at those few days we got to spend together 
I can't help but smile. Over the years that has passed 
memories of those days has changed. I have a hard time 
remembering the colour of the room or the smell of her hair. 
But I do remember every line of her face. Its forever branded 
into my memory. I do believe that I will remember her
to the end of my days. Even though she was never mine 
completely I loved her with all my being. I loved her like a 
mother and I cried for her like a mother. It took a long time 
for me not to look back on those days and cry. These days I 
have accepted what god gave me. When I followed her to her 
grave I was so determent to hate the god that brought me such 
pain. But I can't. I do believe. He has given me my 
memories back again. I can smile again. When I look back it's 
her smile that I remember most. The way she looked when I gave 
her my necklace, the way she smiled when I played with her. 
I will remember my daughter with a smile. 

His name is William. My son. It has a nice ring to it. I 
can't stop looking at him. He's so lovely. The first night 
after I brought him home I stayed awake watching him sleep. 
I feared going to sleep. I checked that he was breathing 
almost every minute. I was so afraid that I was going to
loose him to some invisible force that I couldn't stop.
These days I love waking up in the middle of the night and 
take him into my arms and feed him. The night is the best 
time of the day. The silence of my apartment calms my beating 
heart. The only thing thatpierce the silence is the noise
William makes when he's eating. I can't help but smile. 
I smile much more these days. He makes me happy like
no one can. Not even Mulder. 
When I first got the news that I was pregnant I refused to 
believe it. It was impossible. It was someone's nasty joke.
But as the months passed by and my belly grew I got use to the 
thought. Miracles were possible. 
Then fear entered my mind. Fear that he was unhealthy. That he 
was not mine. That I was going to loose him. Even though 
everyone around me tried to calm me down I refused to believe. 
It wasn't supposed to happen. 
But as my belly grew bigger and bigger I started to dream once 
again. Beautiful dreams of a life beyond reach. 
The first kick was like magic for my frozen heart. It's an 
incredible thing to feel it move inside you. I never thought I
could love that little thing that grew below my heart. I feared
letting my heart love again. I have built my heart so high
fearing all the pain that life can bring you. 
But once again I fell in love. I fell in love with that unborn 
child that lived inside of me. I loved it more than I can 
describe. 
He came to me like the miracle he is. When I look back at that
night all I can remember is the feeling of relief when I got 
to hold him for the first time. I refuse to surrender to the 
dark force that wanted my baby. But still I fear that 
sometimes. They are still out there somewhere.
But I will never let him go.

He's still sleeping. But I pick him up anyway. 
I can't get enough of holding him. I lift him up gently and 
place him in my arms. He's still sleeps as I sit down with him
in the chair by the window. It's dark outside. 
The moon rules the sky. 
As I sit here watching him sleep I thank god for him. 
I have thanked him for every day I get to spend in the 
presence of his angel. I'm sure that heaven must be missing an 
angel. I know that this is heaven I'm holding in my arms. 
My son. William. He's mine. Mine to love and care for. 
I know that this will not easy. I know that life will put 
obstacles in my way. But I will conquer them all.  I will 
teach him everything I know.
I will show him the beauty that world holds and teach him 
about the darkness that the world hides so well. I will help
him on his way.
And when he's strong enough. When his wings is strong enough 
I will let him fly. I will stand back and watch as he flies 
high like the angel he is. 
But it's a long time until then. Until then I will love him 
beyond everything. I will fight for him. I will lay down my
life if that is necessary. 
Maybe one day life will pull us apart. But I will be strong. 
He will never leave me. He's part of me now and nothing on 
this earth can change that. 
We made it this far. I will not fear the future. Not again. 
Not ever. 
I know one thing. 
I believe.
Outside my window a star is falling. I smile and whisper:
"Thank you, for giving him to me"


Feedback----j_rothen@yahoo.se