From: katchat42@juno.com
Date: Sun, 30 Nov 2003 04:23:53 GMT
Subject: Introspection by Katchat
Source: direct


Title:  Introspection
Author: Katchat
Rating: PG  
Category: V/A
Keywords:  MSR Mulder POV
Spoilers:  Requiem, Within, small Gethsemane
Disclaimer:  I don't own the characters or the dialogue.
Summery:  "I don't know how much longer I can play this game of
deceit.  I feel I am betraying her by not letting her into my private
nightmare."

****************  
Introspection
By Katchat
****************  

"It's not worth it, Scully."

My words seem to come out of the blue, shattering the quiet moment we
share as I hold her snugly in my arms.

"What?"  Is her simple response.

"I want you to go home."

"Oh, Mulder, I'm going to be fine."

The automatic Scully response.  I've come to expect it, but not accept
it.  I know she is not fine.  Maybe she's not too bothered by the
sudden illness that brought her shivering to my room this evening.  
But there are dangers lurking all about her.  Shadows from her past
tormenting her.  Pain she is constantly dealing with.

"No, I've been thinking about it."  Pretty much non-stop, in fact.  
"Looking at you tonight...holding that baby...knowing everything
that's been taken away from you..."  Guilt rises in my chest.  I
sorrow more for her losses than mine.  She entered into my quest
blindly.  She did not choose it, but she endured it.  And so much has
been stolen from her as a result.  "A chance for motherhood and your
health and that baby."  That wound is fresh.  It was only days ago
when our attempt at a pregnancy failed.  Her last chance.  And mine.  
I haven't told her...I just can't tell her all that is happening to
me.  I can't add another burden to her already staggering load.  
She's dealing with so much right now, I don't want her to be worrying
about me as well.  She doesn't need to know I am dying.  She doesn't
need to know I am weak, vulnerable.  If I am to leave her behind in
this world, I want to go being her constant, her protector, her
partner and friend.  I want to leave things between us as they have
always been.  I don't want my last vision of her to be with tears in
her eyes.  "I think that....I don't know, maybe they're right."

"Who's right?"

"The FBI...maybe what they say is true, but for all the wrong reasons.  
It's the personal costs that are too high."

And she has paid them dearly.

I feel her tense in my arms, a signal that she is beginning to cry.  
My heart overflows for her.  There is nothing I desire more in the
world than for her pain to cease.  I lean closer to her and whisper
gently in her ear.

"There's so much more you need to do with your life.  There's so much
more than this."

So much more that she deserves.  It shouldn't be her life sentence to
follow me to the ends of the earth, ignoring all the sacrifices and
wounds she receives along the way.  She shouldn't have to press on
with me.  She should be happy.  She should be healthy.  She should be
somebody's mother.  Somebody's wife.  Somebody's doctor.  **If only
the tragedy had been mine alone.** For her sake, I wish she had never
met me, never agreed to join me, never been so faithful and true to
me.  It's not fair at all.

I trace my fingers along the curves of her face, memorizing again
every detail by heart.  She is so beautiful, both in body and in soul.  
It's a wonder she has endured for so long.  But I can't let her
continue.  I don't want her to end up where I am headed.  I can't bear
the thought that she could be the one dying instead of me.  We've come
too close to that edge in the past.  No, better for her to be free now
then to suffer the consequences of the path I have taken.

"There has to be an end Scully."

I press a warm kiss into her cheek and rest my head against her
shoulder.  She has remained silent for the most part, not arguing or
disagreeing like I half expected.  She wraps her hand around mine and
holds it against her mouth.  I can feel her hot tears as they slide
down her cheeks and splatter onto our fingers.  How I love this woman.  
There is an ache within me, a hollow place where warmth and happiness
should reside.  A place I long to fill with her.  But it's for her own
good that I keep that place empty.  I want more for her than the life
she's been living with me.

We say nothing more, but remain there for the rest of the night,
holding each other as close as we can.  We are safe together for but a
moment.  I know tomorrow will come, though I dread it.  No matter how
much I long for the night to never end, morning always arrives on
time.  With each new day I face another twenty-four hours of watching
her suffer and of lying to her by omission concerning my health.  I
don't know how much longer I can play this game of deceit.  I feel I
am betraying her by not letting her into my private nightmare.  But I
remind myself again that she doesn't need to know.  I will suffer in
silence, because I know that she would go crazy trying to fix what's
wrong.  But there is no cure, no treatment.  There is only one way out
of this infirmity, and I can only go it alone.

At some point during the night, she falls asleep in my arms.  Only
then do I quietly shed my tears.  I weep not so much for my imminent
demise, or for my own losses and bruises I've received from my crusade
but for hers.

Only for hers.

********************

Feedback always welcomed at katchat42@juno.com