From: kaleigh1013@my-deja.com Date: Thu, 13 Apr 2000 00:20:12 GMT Subject: NEW: it never ends 1/1 Title: "it never ends" Author: Kaleigh Rated: R (language) Classification: MSR Summary: Follow-up to the brilliantly written and directed episode by Gillian Anderson. Narrated in Mulder's POV. Feedback: This is the first fic that I've posted, so I would greatly appreciate any feedback (positive or negative---just please don't flame me). Please e-mail me at kaleigh1013@my-deja.com. THANK YOU! Distribution: I'd be honored if you decide to post this fic elsewhere. Please let me know the name of the site! Spoilers: "all things" Disclaimer: All characters depicted and all episodes referenced in this fanfiction that are related to "The X-Files" are the property of Mr. Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions, and FOX. They are used without permission. All unrelated characters were created by me, and any resemblance to persons living or dead is completely coincidental. This fanfiction is for entertainment purposes only. I am not receiving compensation for this story, so please don't sue me! (I'm just a humble and broke x-philaholic who has a lot of spare time on her hands...) Dedication: I'd just like to dedicate my first posted fic to my Beta friend, and fellow writer/philaholic Hillary. Thank you so, so, so much for your patience and guidance. Without your help I don't think I would ever have had the courage to let the world read what I've written. Thank you for not giving up on me!!! You really are amazing, girl!!! ********** The sharp beeping of the alarm jolted me straight up in bed. I wasn't used to sleeping in long enough for the wretched "modern convenience" to scare the holy hell out of me. Once the initial shock of being abruptly shaken from sleep wore off, the only thing I could feel was the disappointment that Scully wasn't there to wake me up. I'd half expected to hear her bolt out of my apartment at two o'clock in the morning, so it was somewhat comforting that she had stayed until five. But why didn't she at least check to see if I was up? What was I supposed to do? Announce that I knew she was sneaking out on me? Last night was a breakthrough of sorts; she'd spilled more secrets in two hours than she had in seven years. I've had the tendency to over- analyze every conversation between Scully and myself, and last night's chat was no exception. What could I have done better? How could I have drawn out her feelings more? Should I have told her that I loved her? I had so many opportunities last night. There she was telling me her most intimate thoughts, and all I could say was "uh-huh" and "okay". When I finally got up enough nerve to be coherent, she fell asleep on me. I'd been such a jackass when it came to her it's no wonder that she hadn't left me a long time ago. I just hoped to God that she didn't regret our conversation. All I needed right now was to deal with Scully's dreaded wall of silence. I thought back to how awestruck I was to hear that the prim and proper Dana Scully had committed adultery. For a while there I was almost to the point of wondering if she'd ever even been with a man. There was Jack, or was there? Scully consistently avoided all my sexual references like the plague, and sometimes it seemed like her knees were locked up tighter than the Pentagon. Given her recent revelation, I could understand why. That relationship had to have been hard for her. If I'd been part of the reason why a family disintegrated, I would have probably avoided sex for a while, too. Hell, I'd had some bizarre past relationships myself, so I guessed I shouldn't judge. But I would've had an easier time believing that Bill Scully joined a UFO cult than hearing the words "Scully" and "married man" in the same sentence. Somehow she never ceased to amaze me. The moment I thought I had her all figured out, she threw me another series of curves. The outer layer of Scully was very traditional, but I'd found that within her lies a complex woman who was searching for many of the things that I was seeking. She wanted to believe in something, to have an unshakable faith. Our points of view differed on many levels, but I thought we were working toward a middle ground. It was just a matter of time before one of us crossed the invisible line into the realm of the other's beliefs. I made my way into the living room and pulled my little shrine from its hiding place underneath my fish tank. Meditation was quickly becoming a part of my daily routine. How eerie was it that she's interested in Buddhism? What would she have said if I told her that I'd just purchased this icon about a month ago? I'm beginning to understand that all things happen for a reason. Our beliefs had momentarily intertwined in the past, but were they meant to completely merge together? Was this part of our collective destiny? Recently, I discovered that a large part of me had stopped developing at the age of twelve when Samantha disappeared. I also learned that life had become a series of excuses to keep me from dealing with my emotions. Scully and I weren't too far apart in this regard. I guess I was a little bit better off because at least I was able to cry every once and a while; yet, I never dealt with the underlying reasons for my pain. Faith had never come easily to me. I'd seen so much in my life that made me believe that if there was a God, he obviously didn't give a damn about me. Why else would he allow my family and my life to fall apart? Scully's bout with cancer started me second-guessing. For the first time in my life, I thought that God had a part in rescuing someone I loved. If he didn't care for me, at least he seemed to care for Scully. I'd been so open to all sorts of ideas, many of which I'd adopted without the slightest shred of evidence. When it came to the existence of a higher power, I felt I needed tangible proof. I finally received it; I was allowed to find Samantha again. She was safe and protected from inevitable pain at the hands of the cruel bastard that calls himself my father. With the new understanding that she had been saved, I found that my mind and heart was ready to accept the unbelievable. I knew that I needed guidance to sort these feelings out. So, I began my search. As a psychologist, I'd read almost every book out there on dealing with spirituality, but their suggestions always left me feeling empty and hollow. So I turned my face back toward the religious system I had left behind. I started with western schools of thought, much like the ones I'd been raised with, but I found that the eastern religions would allow me more latitude in keeping my beliefs in the paranormal. The last thing I wanted was some priest telling me I was going to burn in hell. The God I needed to believe in wasn't that cruel and judgmental. It'd taken me nearly thirty years to finally realize that I needed someone greater than myself to rely upon. God didn't abandon me, I chose to abandon Him; as a result, I'd stunted my growth as a human being. The deaths of Samantha and Mom had made me realize the need to free my mind of all the anger and pain I'd been carrying with me for so long. I also wanted to regain my joy in living. I was quickly finding that the teachings of Buddhism were meeting all of my needs. My mind began to float and my pulse slowed with each deliberate inhalation. I did my best to clear my thoughts of Scully in an effort to center myself. It wasn't working. Frustrated, I got up and took a quick shower. After shaving and dressing, I made my way out to the small compact car I had on loan from the Bureau. The crazy traffic didn't do much to calm my nerves. Today was going to be interesting, I mused while parking my car in the garage. How was Scully going to interact with me today? What type of approach should I use? Humor? That usually didn't work. I guess the nonchalant, nothing happened technique was my only option. Okay, I won't confront her on anything that she said last night. If she wanted to discuss it, she would come to me. God dammit, I always used that method, I thought as I headed toward the elevator of the Hoover Building. Why not confront her on it? Why shouldn't I bait her into a heated discussion? There was passion lurking in her somewhere, and if I pushed hard enough, perhaps she would actually crack a bit. Ignoring the issue wasn't cutting it anymore. Either she cared about me the way I cared about her or she didn't. I needed to know the truth. The worst thing that could've happened was that she'll...oh, God, I couldn't lose her. The door to the office stared me in the face. Fuck. Non-combative approach it would be, Special Agent Candyass. "Hey, Scully," I said with a small, unobtrusive smile as I entered the room. "Good morning, Mulder," she replied. She barely looked up at me from the folder in front of her. She was avoiding eye contact already. I guess it was the silent wall for today. Shit. "Do you want a coffee?" I tentatively offered in lieu of nothing better to say. "I think I'll pass." She looked me in the eyes and smiled broadly as she added, "Thanks for taking the bed last night. I have a huge knot in my back from that damned couch of yours." What the hell was going on here? Scully was using the humor method? That was a first. I felt my jaw drop slightly and my eyes widen. Any smart ass comment that I could have made was stuck in my brain. All I could manage was a puny, "Sorry." She almost looked a little bit disappointed that I didn't come up with something better than that. So, I racked my brain for a more witty reply. "Well, I could've pulled you into bed with me, but you drool, remember?" I retorted playfully. "Plus, those tiny feet of yours get too cold." "So you're saying that all I need to win a place in your bed is a bib and wool socks? Hell, Mulder, I thought you were harder to get than that," she laughed back. "I don't seem to play as hard as you do. I can recall more than one invitation that you threw back in my face," I regretted the statement as soon as it left my lips. Her lips tightened slightly. "You're right, Mulder," her face became somber and her chin dropped. "Sorry." "There's nothing to be sorry about, Scully," I softened my eyes and reached for her hand. God, she was beautiful. "I know I can be a pompous pain in the ass. I don't know how you manage to endure me." She shook her head and smiled incredulously. "C'mon, Mulder, if anyone is the pain, it'd be me. I'm so stubborn I can't even stand myself sometimes." I looked at her with a mixture of surprise and happiness. Last night wasn't a fluke; Scully was actually warming up to me. "Well, if you want to be close to someone, you have to accept everything about them." I explained. "And you accept that I hid my past from you for seven years?" she hesitantly inquired. Her azure eyes were stormy with emotion. "I accept that I can't change your past or mine. I can only change how I perceive you right now," I replied gently. "And how do you perceive me, Mulder?" she bit her lower lip nervously. "As an amazing, intelligent, kind, and beautiful woman whom I care very deeply for." Had I gone too far and pushed her away again? Her response immediately assuaged my fears. Her eyes locked with mine briefly. Yet, I still was unprepared for what came next. Every muscle in my body became mush as I felt her lips gently graze mine. The sensation was unlike anything I'd ever experienced from any other woman. There was a tender, almost reverent quality to it; it was a kiss from someone who loved and accepted me unconditionally. It was more powerful than anything I'd ever felt, and I found myself in a state of almost overwhelming euphoria. She slowly pulled herself away and looked at me as if she were seeking some sort of sign that she'd done the right thing. My hand instinctively went to her face to softly caress her cheek. She took my hand into hers and brought it slowly to her lips as she closed her eyes. I sighed deeply as she lovingly worked her way from my fingertips down to my wrist. She opened her eyes and withdrew her blushing face. I squeezed her hand tightly in mine. We sat there staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Neither one of us could think of anything to say that could do justice to we had just experienced. Finally she broke the silence. "Is this going to work?" she asked. Her blue eyes were somewhat glossy. I hoped that she wouldn't cry; I don't think I could've handled it. "I pray to God it does, Scully," I whispered. "You're all I have." The emotional crumbs she'd given had been just enough to sustain my lonely heart. The thought of living without her overpowered any desire I had for a romantic relationship. But now that I'd felt an inkling of the full power of her, I knew I wouldn't be satisfied if things returned to the way they had been. But what if this didn't work? Where would that leave us? The facts were clear; I couldn't function in this world without her by my side. She must have seen the fear in my eyes. Smoothly, she soothed, "I need you, too, Mulder." I reached out my arms and gently brought her face to my chest. I could feel her heart racing through the two thin layers of material that separated our bodies. It felt like I must have held on to her for at least an hour. We didn't speak, at least not verbally. Our pulses gradually began to beat at the same steady rhythm as our breathing slowed. A calming peace overtook my soul, and I finally understood why God put me on this planet. It wasn't to chase aliens or solve grandiose consipiracies. My life had a higher, more divine purpose. I was being taken along a path that was leading to a vista that's more glorious than anything I'd ever dreamed. My reason for being alive was the same reason why we all live. We live to find love, and in finding love, we find the true meaning of God.