From: FirePhile Date sent: Tue, 16 Dec 1997 17:25:19 EST Subject: REPOST: It Will Never Be the Same (1/1) by FirePhile Disclaimer: These aren't mine, they belong to 1013, CC&Co and FOX television network. I'm just borrowing them to try some continuity. Title: It Will Never Be the Same Author: Rachel Ehrentreu (FirePhile@aol.com) Rating: PG Category: VA Spoilers: Redux II and Detour Keyword: M/S Friendship Summary: Post-Detour, Mulder tells Scully what happened while she was in the hospital. Author's Note: Title taken from the song "Loss for Words" by Corrosion Of Conformity. I love all feedback and answer all mail so please send any thoughts about this story to FirePhile@aol.com December 1, 1997 Dana Scully heard the noise before she actually woke up to answer it. Years of late night visits and phone calls had conditioned her to be alert at all hours. However, she looked at the clock near her bed which read 3:25 AM and had to fight the desire to lay back down. Late was one thing, this was ridiculous and she hoped whoever was at the door had a good reason for being there. She stood up, grabbed her robe, wrapped it tightly around herself and walked towards the door. She looked out the peephole, not at all surprised by who she saw and opened the door. "Mulder," she started intending to chew him out for the late hour, but took one look at him and stopped. His usually bright hazel eyes were dull almost lifeless and he was leaning against her door jam as if he lacked the strength to stand. She could tell something was wrong. "May I come in?" He asked. She nodded, moved aside and watched as he sat down on the couch and didn't look up. As she closed the door she stifled a yawn, it had been a long day and she had only been able to get to sleep an hour or so before. She sat down on the other side of the couch and looked at him. "Is there something wrong Mulder? It is almost 3:30 in the morning." She said calmly. "I received a phone call about an hour ago. Reportedly there was a UFO crash in a suburb outside of Minneapolis. I was about to board the plane when I remembered...It's all a lie and it's a fake." He whispered angrily. Scully hoped her fear didn't show. Mulder had been acting strangely lately but she never suspected to hear this from him. There was a time when she would have welcomed such an admission and had tried to prove it herself many times. But for him to conclude it fake without seeing it and with no evidence, the implications frightened her. "What do you mean?" He turned to face her but couldn't look her in the eye. "It's more lies Scully, informants passing on information designed to draw me further into the trap that these people have created...I'm tired and can't think of any reason to continue." She couldn't believe what she was hearing and tried desperatly to change his mind. "What about the truth behind the lies? Your sister Samantha? The answers may not be the ones you're looking for Mulder, but they are still out there." He turned away from her and looked at the floor again. "There's something I haven't told you Scully. When you were in the hospital, sick, I found her." "Who did you find?" Scully had a pretty good idea who the 'her' was but didn't want to say it, be wrong, and cause him even more pain. His answer was so soft she almost didn't hear him. "Samantha," "Samantha? You found Samantha?" Scully was confused and hurt. She'd been searching with him for almost five years and he waited till now to tell her. She would expect him to be ecstatic, unless he hadn't found her alive. That thought squelched any excitement or happiness she was beginning to feel. Fear overrode all emotions as she waited for him to speak again. He continued without looking up, "That cigarette smoking man arranged a meeting and she was there. Healthy, an adult, with her own family, her own life and..." He swallowed, not really wanting to go on but having to tell her. "She wanted nothing to do with me. I couldn't convince her that she was abducted and she didn't remember what had happened." He bit his lip to keep back threatening tears. "She said that cigarette smoking man was her father. He'd told her that her parents were dead...that something had happened to me...and that he'd just found me. As if he hadn't been watching over my every move for at least five years. For 24 years I searched for her but she didn't want to be found." Finally he raised his head and looked at Scully, feeling his throat become tight and swallowing a few times. "Mulder," She whispered at a loss for words. "The next day I was offered a deal by that same man, the deal I told you about. I was so close to becoming one of them Scully, so close." He couldn't meet her eyes, knowing if he did that he wouldn't be able to keep the emotional barrier that he'd created in the hospital hallway from shattering. He knew if the wall came down it was very possible that he might fall with it. Scully tried to look into his eyes but he turned his head again. She'd had no idea, all this time she had only been feeling joy at her new lease on life while her partner, her friend had been through and was still in his own personal hell. It explained his actions during the tree-person case. How when she had tried to talk to him about feelings he had reacted with a flippant remark and closed off entirely. Also explained why he didn't want to talk in the hotel room and had run off so quickly. She should have seen the signs, the difference in his behavoir was not only because of her remission. She'd mistaken Mulder's cheerfulness as a reaction to her being better, not even letting herself think that it might be a facade. Now, she knew the truth. She knew how to comfort someone after the death of a loved one but had no idea what to do for the near death of a soul. She wondered if the same techinque would work, well it was worth a try. She closed the distance between them, wrapping her arms around him. He hugged her back tightly, almost making it hard for her to breathe. He was taking deep breaths, trying not to break down in her arms. She ran her hands through his hair gently and tried to convince him of something she couldn't believe herself. "It's okay Mulder, it'll be okay." After a few minutes of staying like this he finally said something. "I've lost her and I've lost myself..." He pulled away from her, feeling the barrier start to melt and not letting it happen. Scully let him go, "Are you sure it was her?" He looked at her finally, his eyes bright with unshed tears. "What do you mean?" "I saw someone who I was sure was Samantha disintigrate before my eyes. You told me about the clones you found, how do you she wasn't one of them?" "I just know Scully, the way she acted, it was her." "What are you going to do now?" "Continue investigating mutants and things that go bump in the night. The X- Files aren't only about UFO's." Scully couldn't believe what she was about to say, "Just because some of what Kritschgau said was true doesn't mean all of it is. There is proof out there and we will find it together." "Together," He smiled slightly. "Do you believe that Scully?" "I do. I know you Mulder." She was finally able to make eye contact. "I'm glad one of us does." She squeezed his hand. He closed his eyes, stood up and started to the door. "Where are you going?" "Home, it's late and we do have work tommorrow morning." Scully nodded and watched him leave. "Have a good night Mulder." It was a pitiful goodbye containing a message that was impossible. "You too Scully." He closed the door behind him. Once he left she leaned against the door and sighed deeply. Her eyes teared as she realized what had just happened. Her bed seemed so far away so she lay down on the couch. Everything had just changed and she almost shook with rage at the bastards in the shadows who manipulated everything. She knew one day they would push too far, use too many mindgames and she'd wind up telling a committee about Mulder's suicide for real. His emotional state had just become even more fragile and the thought brought more tears to her eyes. The incident was still too fresh for its meaning to reach her but there was something missing. Mulder was disappearing, not decending into darkness but fading and she had no idea how to bring him back. She wiped away a few tears with the back of her hand and tried fruitlessly to fall asleep. It didn't matter, she knew after what had just happened there would be no more sleep.