From: donnilee@juno.com Date: Mon, 13 Nov 2000 19:10:11 -0500 Subject: RE: "J is for Jealousy" by Donnilee Source: direct TITLE: J IS FOR JEALOUSY AUTHOR: DONNILEE@JUNO.COM RATING: NC-17 (Of course, what else do I write?) WARNING: Another warning from your friendly neighborhood pervert! Descriptive sex. Smut warning. Please, no one under 17. CATEGORY: MSR /ANGST POSTING: ANYWHERE - Please make sure my name and e-mail address are on it and inform me by e- mail of the location. Thank you. SUMMARY: Scully is forced to admit her jealousy when she sees her nemesis kissing Mulder. They fight and then, well, they kiss and make up. A weird case provides time alone and they finally take the relationship to a new level. SPOILERS: Little ones, mostly mere references for Duane Barry, Ascension, Millennium, 3, Gethsemane, Fight the Future, Never Again, Darkness Falls, Theef. Nothing huge, just references made to certain scenarios or cases. DISCLAIMER: Nope. Not mine. Used shamelessly and without remorse. They belong to Chris Carter, 1013 and Fox, and god knows who else, but not me. The Heritage Inn, The Hopkins Inn, Cornwall, Warren, New Milford, Grampa Snazzy's Log Cabin, and Routes 202, 341 45 and 7 really exist. References to real places are used without permission, not that anyone really cares. AUTHOR'S NOTE: Dudleytown was a farming village first settled in the late 17th century and is a local legendary place in Cornwall, Connecticut. It was inhabited by early settlers of the New England area. It is located in the upper northwest corner of the state. Legend has it that the Dudley's were cursed and brought their curse to the town. The legend has it that all that lived there either went mad or came to untimely ends. Some say the previous residents haunt it. Other's say that there are unnatural occurrences taking place there even today. Old foundations to the homes can be seen there. There are many stories of "strange happenings" in Dudleytown, experienced by the curious who have ventured there to "check out the rumors." Cars have died for no apparent reason. An unusual amount of physical injury is experienced by visitors, and campers have claimed to have seen actual apparitions and felt them touch them while attempting to camp there. Balls of light are said to have been seen. Other snippets of the legend will be told in the following story. I have taken license with some of it. The Dark Entry Road, which is one of two entrances to the place was overgrown and so is the area where the foundations are found. Mere hiking paths were all that was left of the once thriving New England farming community that produced quite a few famous people early in its history. Dudleytown Road is the other entrance. Supreme Court Justices, doctors, lawyers and presidential candidates have been associated with Dudleytown. The property is owned by an organization called the DEF and trespassing there is illegal now. The roads have been cleared in order to be used as "fire roads", should there ever be a fire up there. Are any of the rumors true? Who knows? Most legends are based in fact, and embellished by the superstitions of their creators and then embellished as the years go by. Do I believe any of it? Probably not, but it makes a good setting for a story! ON A PERSONAL NOTE: I grew up in Warren, Connecticut, a little town that borders Cornwall, in the northwest corner of the state. You can spit and hit the New York State border from there. My home town is 5 miles across and 7 miles wide and has about 1000 residents and that includes the children! Cornwall isn't much bigger. I grew up with the stories of Dudleytown and various haunted sites in New England, but I've never placed one of my stories in any of these local legends and thought maybe it was time. WEBSTER'S NINTH NEW COLLEGIATE DICTIONARY JEAL-OUS \ 'jel-es\ adj [ME jelous, fr. OF, fr. (assumed) VL zelosus, fr. LL zelus, zeal --- more at ZEAL] (13c) 1 : a: intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness b : disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness 2 : hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage 3 : vigilant in guarding a possession jeal-ous-ly (adv) --- jeal-ous-ness (n) JEAL-OU-SY \'jel-e-se\(n) (13c) 1 : a jealous disposition, attitude, or feeling 2 : zealous vigilance J IS FOR JEALOUS PART 1 (R) HOOVER BUILDING 4:00 PM You know, it's weird. You think you have all your emotions tucked neatly into a little corner of your brain where you can manage them. You become confident that you are in control. You know the rules: looky, no touchy, and you really are O.K. with that it seems. You're O.K. until someone else can looky AND touchy. Then the situation doesn't seem O.K. anymore. Then the door on that little corner of your brain bursts wide open and the emotions come flooding out. I blew it today. I let the cat out of the bag, so to speak. Me, the one with the 'sense', the one with the grip on professionalism at all costs. I saw him standing there in the parking garage talking to 'The Bitch'. It's the only way I refer to her now in my mind. And really, I'd seen him speak to her before. It bothered me, it pissed me off that he kept giving her the benefit of the doubt, but I was dealing with it. But I'd never seen her touch him, really touch him other than to reach for his hand. We always park side by side in the parking garage. They were standing at the driver side door to his car. I couldn't hear what they were saying as I rounded the corner, emerging from behind one of those giant cement pillars that mysteriously holds up tons of concrete above our heads. He was frowning. That was a good thing. I liked it when he frowned at 'The Bitch.' Neither of them had seen me yet. I began walking briskly to cover the distance between us, unconsciously wanting to interfere with this little conversation. As I approached, my form blocked by the last pillar in a long line of pillars, I heard her voice. "Come on Fox, you remember what it was like. It could be that way again if you let it." "For the last time, DON'T call me Fox." I rounded the pillar just in time for the show. Her hands sliding up his forearms, her body pressing into his and her lips covering his in an open-mouthed kiss. Sick was all I felt. Red was all I saw. The only sound I made was "Ahhh, Goooddd, No!" I fought my inner demon that wanted to jump her and rip her away from him. I felt nausea rise up like a wave and choke off my air. My head spun and so did my body as I did a one-eighty and headed back for the elevator. The blood was pounding in my ears. Through the haze, I heard him shout, "SCULLY! WAIT!" I couldn't stop. I kept walking to the elevators, practically at a run, half staggering from the nausea and blind rage that was coiling in my gut. Damn elevator. I leaned one arm on the wall and braced myself against the wall, stabbing furiously at the button to bring the elevator back to me. Where the hell was it? It couldn't arrive soon enough. I heard her whiny voice calling him. "Fox, ... oh O.K., Mulder! Please, let's talk!" And then I heard his response, as though the sound was entering my head through cotton candy. "Damn it, Diana, you've done enough damage for one day! Go away! Just go away!" Stab. Stab. Stab. Did he just reject her? Where the hell was that elevator?! I heard him again, "Scully, wait! Will you please wait?" His arms went around my waist from the rear. 'DO NOT TOUCH ME', my mind screamed. Instinct kicked in and I swung my elbow back, bracing my fist with the other hand and landed a solid hit in his solar plexus. His arms loosed from my body and I heard the 'Whhooommphhh' that sounded from him. "Leave me alone, Mulder!" Jesus. I'm acting like a jealous wife! What the hell is the matter with me? If it were anyone but her I could take it. Liar. Stab. Stab. Stab. His voice is a wheeze, "Scully, don't ... be like this! ... I can ... explain that. It isn't what ... it looked like." DING! Thank you, Jesus! The doors slide open and I surged into the elevator, hitting the 3rd floor button and the 'close door' button in quick succession. As the doors began to close, Mulder threw himself between them. They closed behind him and he went down on his knees, holding his ribs with both arms. I looked at him, my rage suddenly drained as he looked up at me with a look of total dejection and guilt. My rage was turning into burning embarrassment. I had no right to be angry. But was I angry with him? With her? Or was I angry with me? Well, I had Mulder on his knees. I'd imagined that several times ... bringing Mulder to his knees. This isn't exactly what I had in mind. I was still breathing heavily and I hadn't said a word. I just returned his gaze and watched him pant for breath to ease the pain. What is this? Another snide voice in my head said, 'What's the matter, Dana. You don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him either? How selfish is that? I really shouldn't have done that. I turned my face to the corner and leaned one shoulder against the back wall of the elevator. He put a hand on the wall and gingerly got to his feet as the elevator started to rise. I couldn't look at him. I'd just made a complete ass out of myself. I mean, he knows I hated Diana, but what right do I have to be upset over his personal life? I'm not his girlfriend. Sure, I have my fantasies, but that's as far as it had gone. Well, maybe it had gone further than I thought, judging by my uncontrolled reaction a few minutes ago. So why am I fleeing like a wronged woman at the sight of him kissing her? Because she will hurt him, she will betray him. That's why. Liar. Would it be different if it were some other woman, a strange woman I didn't know? No. It would be the same, I admitted. It was just worse because it was Diana. I kept telling myself that I was happy with our friendship just the way it was. I didn't need anything else. It was rapidly becoming apparent that I did want something else. But if I wasn't willing to take that step then I could hardly expect him to be alone for the rest of his life. I could hardly expect for him to never want more than friendship with someone. When did I start thinking of him as mine? If I was honest, quite a while ago. Now I've made a scene and it was time to pay the piper. He wasn't going to let this go. I'd never reacted like that before in front of him. I had really made a complete jackass out of myself. The embarrassment was crushing. The silence in the elevator car was deafening. I had hit the button for the 3rd floor where the cafeteria was, but Mulder hit the button for the basement. The car stopped and the doors slid open. His hand went out to keep the doors open. He looked at me. "Are you coming into the office with me or do I have to drag you in there. Because we are going to talk about this." "Screw you, Mulder!" Why am I yelling at him? Because I'm embarrassed and being angry with him is the only way I can maintain my dignity. Funny how I can answer my own questions most of the time, but still can't seem to prevent myself from doing and saying stupid things. Not when it comes to Mulder anyway. "Scully." His voice was deadly calm. I knew that tone. I heard it very seldom. He would brook no refusal. I had pushed him too far by physically assaulting him. I'd never done anything like that before. What the hell was wrong with me? He was not making an idle threat. He would carry out his ultimatum. I glanced at him and then walked briskly past him and out the door, turning sideways to avoid accidentally bumping into him, or touching him in any way. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. If I'd just walked away, he probably wouldn't have come after me. I could have had my little fit in private, and we probably wouldn't have mentioned it ever again. It would have been as if it never happened, as if I never saw it. But no! I had to moan my upset into their faces like I'd caught my husband cheating on me and ran away like a high school teenager who can't handle confrontation. Great. Just great. He followed me sedately down the hall and into the office. He turned to close the door and I heard him turn the lock. He turned, leaning his back on the door, not advancing into the room. I stood in front of his desk with my back to him. Silence reigned for about 30 seconds. I felt a lump forming in my throat and swallowed hard to avoid letting tears come. Were they tears of anger? Or were they tears of embarrassment? I didn't really know at this point. "Scully, I want to say something to you and then I want to ask you a question." "Mulder, look, I'm sorry. I don't know what the hell is the matter with me. You know I don't like her, but hell, I don't have to, right? I mean, you can be with who ever you want to be with, right? And, and, as long as it doesn't interfere with your work, OUR work, then, then ...but she would ... interfere that is ... and, and ..." I'm babbling. "Shut up, Scully." His voice was still maddeningly calm. I fell silent. "If I approach you will you keep your elbows to yourself? You didn't break my ribs but I'm going to have one hell of a bruise." Guilt, why did I hit him? I turned around finally to look at him. "Just say what you have to say. Just know that I'm sorry. I don't even know what the hell is going on with me." I decided now was a good time to examine my shoes. He approached me carefully and slid his hands under my forearms, lifting them to rest on top of his. He didn't force me to raise my head or ask me to. He spoke to the top of my head. "Scully, I need for you to know something. I have absolutely NO ROMANTIC feelings for Diana." "Muld..." "Quiet. Let me finish." I nodded. "She doesn't want me either. She wants to control me and reviving our relationship would be the perfect way to do that. She's a control freak. I know that. I'm not as blind to her as you think. But that doesn't mean that I want to be cruel to her, or treat her like a leper either. It doesn't mean that I don't want to give her the benefit of the doubt until she gives me a reason not to." He paused, taking a slow, deep breath. "SHE kissed ME, Scully, not the other way around. And if I'd seen it coming, she wouldn't have made it to my lips. But I didn't see it coming. I didn't think she'd be that aggressive." "Mulder, I'm sorry. O.K.? I feel like an ass and you DON'T owe me an explanation." "Shush, will you? I'm not finished. And I want to explain because I don't want you to think the wrong thing about what you saw. It matters to me what you think." He paused again. "I don't know what happened out there. I heard you ... I pushed her away. You didn't stick around for that part. By then you were already running away from me. I don't know why you reacted that way, Scully, but I wish you would tell me." "I don't know either. All I can say is that I ... " "What? Be honest with me, Scully. Plleeaasse." I swallowed hard. "I hate her, Mulder. I can't help it. Seeing her touch you ... I don't know why ... the sight of it made me feel sick." He folded me into his arms and I was helpless to resist it. My cheek was plastered to his breastbone and his chin was nuzzling my head. I shivered and wound my arms around his waist. It felt so good standing like this. When he was touching me like this, it felt like no one could take him away from me. I realized, quite suddenly, how possessive and territorial I'd gotten over him. I wasn't proud of that. I knew, intellectually, that jealousy was the fear of a future loss. Could anyone really take him away from me? I didn't know. Maybe that was the question I needed to ask. But that would require making an admission of need. Something I'd never or rarely done with him either. Could I do it and maintain my dignity? Christ, my dignity was in shreds anyway. What was the difference? "Mulder?" "Hmmm? I know you hate her, Scully, but I don't. I don't trust her completely but I don't hate her. But she's no threat to our partnership, she's no threat to our friendship, either." "Mulder?" "What?" "Could ... I mean, is there anyone ... that could ..." "Anyone that could what, Scully?" I gathered my courage. I had to know once and for all. "Is there anyone that could take you away from me?" My voice was bordering on being a whisper. But it was the best I could do right now. Was I asking if anyone could take him away from this partnership? From this friendship? Or was I asking something deeper? I wasn't really sure. Now his hands came up to my face and tilted my head up to look at him. He found my eyes and held them there with his own. I couldn't look away from him when he did this. He knew it too. His voice was low and steady. "No. There is no one else in my life, no one in the WORLD that could take me away from you." I felt my eyes sting with tears again. I nodded slightly, just enough to acknowledge his answer. My eyes darted away now. His fingers wound into my hair. "Mulder?" His voice held the hint of a tease. "You do realize, Scully, that your question holds the hint of ownership in it, don't you? It sounds a little ... dare I say ... I don't know ... possessive?" He released my head and slid his arms around my back again. My forehead rested on his chest while I tried to think of an appropriate answer. I just knew he would pick up on that! I felt better already though. "Yeah." "Mind telling me what that means?" "I don't know." "Cop out. It doesn't bother me if that's what you're worried about." "I really don't know. I need to think about it. I've never felt that feeling before, in reaction to you or anyone else for that matter. My reaction surprised me as much or more than it surprised you." His tone was extremely facetious. "I doubt it!" I pressed my lips to his chest so he could feel me smile. I felt a shiver race through his torso and his hold on me tightened. Ooops. Probably shouldn't have done that either. What had gotten into me today? I glanced down, leaning my forehead on his chest again and noticing that there was a perfect impression on my red lipstick on his shirt. I decided not to mention it at the moment. I felt like I'd marked my territory. Instead of the idea disgusting me, as it probably should have, it made me feel a little giddy. This was bad. Very bad. "Mulder, I think I need to go home now," I said quietly. "Are you sure?" "Yes." "You didn't answer my question." "I don't have an answer for you, Mulder." "I have a theory. Want to hear it?" "Not really." He was silent for a few moments. "O.K., what's your theory?" "Correction, it's not really a theory, it's a wish." "A wish?" Now I was puzzled. "Yeah, a wish. A hope." "I guess you better explain, Mulder, because you've completely lost me." He chuckled. "I never dared hope that you felt HALF as much for me as I feel for you." O.K., I'm gulping now. The office really isn't the place for this type of confession. What the hell was he going to say? I needed more time to straighten out the reasons for my actions. A little devil voice in the back of my head whispered, 'Or justify them.' Shit. "What do you feel?" Why am I asking this? "I think that's a little more than we need to get into right now," he replied. "O.K., you hope what?" He continued. "I hope that what I saw down there was ... " Now it seemed he couldn't find the words. "What, Mulder? What do you hope it was?" Ooo, my, wasn't I being brave? His voice was worried but determined to get this out. "If it was what I think it was, I find it hard to believe. But I hope it was more about jealousy than about hating Diana." I went to pull away and out of his arms, but he banded his arms tighter around my waist and held me there. "No, Scully. I won't let you pull away." I could hear the determination in his voice. "I don't expect you to confirm or deny that statement. I don't expect you to respond in any way. I just needed to tell you what I hope it was. That's all. You have absolutely NO reason to be jealous, Scully, ever. But if you were ... well, that makes my head spin a little." He hoped it was jealousy? Why? He wanted me to be jealous. He wanted me to ... want him. I simply cannot face this right now. I was quiet a moment. "I need to go home, Mulder." He graciously accepted my refusal to say any more and loosened his grip on me. As I stepped back I raised my face to him. What I saw there threw me slightly. He was looking at me with such tenderness and such longing. It caused a squeezing sensation in my chest. His hands slid up to cup my cheeks again and he brought his face close to mine. "Are WE O.K., Scully?" He was asking if I was still angry or upset with him. I was still upset, but not over Diana. I was upset because I was so undecided about my feelings. I didn't like being wishy-washy or not understanding my own feelings. "Yes, we're O.K." New Year's Eve had never been mentioned. But at that moment, I saw the intent in his eyes. It was the same look he'd had before he kissed me then. He whispered my name with reverence. "Scully." I only had time to open my mouth on an automatic protest. No sound made it out of my mouth. For the first time since New Year's Eve, he leaned over and pressed his lips to mine. He captured my bottom lip and sucked lightly before letting it go. He didn't hesitate. He didn't push. But he held my head still. This time though, his lips moved. His mouth opened as he tipped his head sideways. He was slow and deliberate. His lips pulled together after touching mine, dragging the smooth warmness of his lips over mine. I shuddered at the electric sizzle that fired down my spine. I panted a little "ooo". I was about to respond when he pulled back slightly, rubbed his nose over mine in an Eskimo kiss and smiled lazily. He hadn't pushed or deepened the kiss but it was a bit more purposeful than the one on New Year's Eve. And there was no holiday or occasion to blame it on this time. I'd been ready to kiss him back. Holy shit. I couldn't think. My heart turned over at the look on his face. He wasn't afraid and he wasn't sorry for what he had done; two rare occurrences where Mulder was concerned. "I'll see you later," he murmured. All I could do is nod mutely and shuffle sideways to head for the door. I remembered why I had been heading for the garage in the first place. I was going home to pack. We were due on a plane in ... two hours now and that didn't leave much time. Skinner was sending us to Connecticut to investigate some mysterious disappearances that had taken place in the small town of Cornwall, near a 'ghost town' called Dudley Town. I turned to see him with a smile playing on the corners of his mouth and realized my fingers were touching my lips as though I were amazed. I hadn't even realized I'd done it. I must look like a simpering fool. I blushed. But judging by the look on his face, he was pleased with my reaction. I smiled a nervous smile and turned to unlock the door. As my hand turned the knob, he called to me. "Scully." "Yeah?" I asked softly. "I'll pick you up in an hour and a half. That should leave enough time to get back into D.C. to the airport, O.K.?" "Yeah, sure. One car is better." I pulled the door open and was stopped again. "Scully." His voice was soft and low, like a caress. I was powerless to resist him when he used that tone of voice. Fortunately, he didn't know that. At least I didn't think he did. "What, Mulder?" I still hadn't turned around to look at him, but kept facing into the open door with my back to him. "I want to say something else. Just so you know, on the off chance that you ever ... if you ever want ... more ... from me." He paused. "All you have to do is ask. Tell me what you want, Scully. I'll give it to you in a heartbeat. But I don't know what you want. I never do." He paused. "I know what I want. If you ever kiss me back ... " My breath hitched. "I'll kiss you for REAL and I won't stop kissing you until you can't breath." OH.MY.GOD. I shuddered. My voice was a little breathy. "Do me a favor, Mulder?" "Anything." "Change your clothes before we leave." "Ohhkaayy." "You smell like her." And I left the office. Quickly. Kiss me for real. Kiss me for real. He'd never said anything like that to me before. He'd never gone beyond innuendo. I didn't know whether I was thrilled or scared. Both. I was thrilled and scared. He'd just made a serious pass at me. An honest to goodness pass at me. I shouldn't be thrilled. But I was. I wanted him to kiss me ... for real. OhmygodOhmygodOhmygod. He wanted me. Mulder wanted me. He wanted to kiss me again. It was like a mantra in my head. I couldn't quite seem to process the reality of it. He wanted me and he'd been brave enough to tell me. Big risk for him considering all my previous reactions and objections to 'fraternizing'. What the hell did that word mean anyway? He had kissed me on New Year's Eve. A chaste kiss that I allowed, but didn't deepen, didn't give back. He'd just kissed me now and I had been so shocked that I hadn't responded, but again, just allowed it. I should have been mortified at the breech of protocol, but whom the hell was I kidding? Protocol? My pseudo suit of armor? Between the two of us, we'd broken every rule in the book. Except that one. Thou shalt not have sex with your partner. Hoo boy! Sex? Where did that come from? All he'd done was give me two chaste kisses and I was already thinking about sex. Let's yank the old brain OUT of the gutter, thank you very much. I'm really culvert jumping today! I needed to get home and pack. I was going to have to face him in less than two hours and sit with him on a plane. I had to get my shit together. I was driving towards home, five minutes from the Hoover building and my cheeks were still burning crimson. This was ridiculous! XXXXXXXXXX Holy shit. I don't know where the hell I found the courage. I just kissed my partner. Again. For the second time. I didn't try to slip her the tongue but I at least found the motor skills to move my lips this time. She didn't pull away. She didn't flinch. She let me do it. No holiday. No occasion, except her outburst over Diana. No lightening. No burning bush. The sky did not fall down on our heads. But my dick is hard. Really hard. From that one, little, chaste kiss on those swollen, red, rosebud lips. They were so soft. I can still taste her lipstick on my bottom lip. She didn't pull away. She didn't flinch. She let me do it. O.K. Down boy. Down boy. She didn't protest when I told her what I would do, if she ever responded to me. It bothered her that I smelled like Diana. I hadn't even noticed. I needed to go home, change and grab my suitcase which was already packed and get over there to pick her up. I didn't have much time. Just now, the prospect of being jammed into close coach class quarters on a flight to Connecticut wasn't sounding as abhorrent as it usually did. I've been in love with her for so long. This holding back was becoming bullshit. It was just too hard. Damn the torpedoes, it was time to start wooing my partner. I didn't want to scare her and make her bolt. But I was definitely going to do my best to reel her in. XXXXXXXXXX DANA SCULLY'S APARTMENT 5:30 PM Bing! Bong! Shit. He's here already? What have I forgotten? I packed more casual clothes than I usually do. Info on the case indicated that we might be in for a bit of a hike. So I had jeans, tank tops, flannel shirts and hiking boots. And for some reason, I'd packed a set of black, silk panties and a matching sheer bra. For some reason? God, I was so good at lying to myself. It was just in case. It was just in case. I'd done nothing but think since I left work. If I couldn't get honest with him, I at least had to get honest with myself. Ahab would be appalled at the way I'd been running from my feelings and not dealing with him. 'The strong face their fears and walk through them, they don't run and hide.' His words came back to me, making me feel inadequate. Reality check up from the neck up, Dana. What is going on here? What has been going on here? Well, you've grown close to your partner. That's to be expected. He's become your best friend. That's a little less expected. We are total opposites after all. But strangely, our differences complimented each other. Neither of us had the same weaknesses, therefore, we could always compensate for one another. Our opposing viewpoints ended up being a good thing. Unlike most investigative teams, our opposite view points ended up giving a well rounded and even handed look at whatever we were examining. Our reports reflected 'both sides' of the spectrum, so to speak. O.K. O.K. So then what? Then I let myself relax around him. I let him see parts of my personal life. That's where it started. I let him see me vulnerable and scared and I let him comfort me, hold me. Not too often, but often enough that he remembered to see me as a woman and not just his partner. And? And I enjoyed it when he comforted me. I enjoyed it entirely too much. Face it. He had intrigued me from the start. And I would have to have been blind not to notice how handsome he was. I would have had to be blind to not notice that spectacular athlete's body. There were lots of good looking bodies out there, and even more good looking faces. But were the bodies combined with a superior intellect, an intriguing personality and a dry sense of humor that appealed to me? Rarely, if ever. Did those things come with compassion, tenderness and understanding? Did those things come with respect and the willingness to listen to a totally opposing outlook on life? No they didn't. Except with Mulder. In Mulder, all these things were crammed into one package and in my face practically every single day for the last seven years. And so? And so, I found myself allowing my eyes to look at him as a man, not just my partner. I allowed myself to enjoy his touch and rely on his friendship and understanding and comfort. And? And he slid into my heart. My heart? Yes. My heart. He's in there now. He's a part of me. He is the yang to my yin. I don't feel balanced when he isn't with me. I feel out of sorts and aimless and confused when we are apart. Not a good thing for a control freak like myself. Bing! Bong! Shit. Answer the door. I peek out the peephole, even though I know it's him. Life with the X-Files has taught me to be cautious automatically, no matter what. It's him. I open the door and he smiles gently at me. "Ready to go?" He looked great wearing black jeans, a turtleneck with some sort of chamois shirt over it and a jacket lined with lamb's wool. He looked rugged and sexy. "Uh yeah. Oh damn. Just let me get my blow dryer." "Leave it." "Why?" "We're going to be out in the middle of nowhere, probably hiking. There will be no electricity. Who cares about your hairdo? Besides, it's prettier when you don't straighten it." I just stared at him. What? Was he now going to start flattering me with compliments every time I turned around? This was a little sudden. I didn't know if I could handle it. I found my voice finally. "And am I supposed to care whether you think my hair is prettier if I leave it to air dry?" He looked chagrined. "No, but a guy can hope, can't he?" Whoa. He was really throwing caution to the wind. This was not in our repertoire. He never flirted with me seriously. It was always just innuendo and I didn't really know how to react to these types of comments. It was too weird to hear Mulder saying things like that. Things like that were not supposed to come out of his mouth. "Umm. Well, ... screw it, let's go." He looked down, hiding his smile and ushered me out the door. He took my suitcase from me and closed the door behind him and followed me to the car. He was carrying my suitcase. He never did that. It was a chivalrous thing to do. He'd offered, but I always refused. This time, he didn't ask, he'd just reached over and taken it out of my hands. I glanced at him but then started walking. Something was shifting in our relationship. Had been for some time now. It was subtle and insidious. We were treading into dangerous territory here. Was this moving too fast for me? I really wasn't sure. Well, how much damage could he do on a plane? At least I would have the plane ride as a reprieve before we had to check into a motel. In matters of romance, I really had no idea what Mulder was like. I had no idea really how he treated the women in his past. I wasn't sure I wanted to know. I'd seen his determination, but it had never been directed at me, not in a romantic fashion anyway. I'd given him a hint that I might be receptive when I had my outrageous reaction. He'd taken advantage of it immediately. And if I knew him, he wouldn't leave it alone until he'd investigated it thoroughly. Would I be able to resist a full force come on from my partner if he decided to take it that far? Did want to resist it? I had a feeling I was about to find out. XXXXXXXXXX ON A FLIGHT SOMEWHERE OVER THE EAST COAST 6:30 PM Mulder emerged from the bathroom on the airplane and sidled back to me, sliding into the seat with his cell phone to his ear. Poor guy. Last minute plans had garnered coach seats and his knees were pressed against the back of the seat in front of us. He couldn't be comfortable. "Yeah, about two hours would be fine." He hung up and put the phone in the pocket of his carry on under the seat. He sat back and began to squirm, trying to find a comfortable position. "Who were you talking to?" "Nobody." "You were talking to nobody?" "Nothing to concern you." "What are you hiding?" "Moi?" he asked with exaggerated indignation. I smiled and let it go. "You're really uncomfortable, aren't you?" "You think? What was your first clue?" I chuckled and lowered the armrest between our seats. He raised his eyebrows in question. "Stand up and step into the aisle." He did as I asked, obviously perplexed. I stood and pulled the pillow out of the overhead rack and tossed it against the window of the plane and stepped into the aisle. "Sit in the window seat." "Huh? If I thought I was cramped in the aisle seat, it will be even worse in there." "No it won't." He looked at me skeptically. "What are you up to Agent Scully?" I said the magic words. "Trust me." He looked at me for a second longer, then slid into the window seat. I sat in the aisle seat. "And the pillow is for?" "Your back." The light bulb finally went on in his head. He smiled and swiveled in the seat so his back was resting against the side of the seat and the window. His legs slanted to the floor on a forty-five degree angle. "Ahhh," he sighed and his head tipped back. "Better already." I reached down and grabbed one leg. "Scully, what are you doing?" I grinned. He was watching me curiously now. I lifted first one leg and then the other and placed them in my lap. His eyes went wide and then he smiled wide. "Better?" I inquired. I was quite pleased with myself. It was bold of me to initiate this contact. "You're the best, Scully. What would I do without you?" "I don't know. What would you do without me?" I asked playfully. Was I really flirting with my partner? His smile faded and I suddenly felt alarmed. What had I said? He simply said, "That doesn't even bear thinking about." I realized he was remembering when I had been gone, kidnapped by Duane Barry, kidnapped by the consortium and taken to the Antarctic, and all the other times we'd been separated. Skinner, the Gunmen, my mother had all told me how frantic and devastated he was. I felt my heart twist a little remembering their words. My mother; 'He was determined to find you, Dana. He refused to accept that you were gone for good.' Byers; 'He went nuts, beating the shit out of himself for not protecting you.' Frohike; 'He almost got himself killed on that stupid sky lift on that mountain trying to go after Barry, knowing that mental case had you.' Skinner; 'He tried to quit the Bureau, Agent Scully. Even the X-Files didn't hold any interest for him anymore. He can't do it without you. Not anymore.' She closed her eyes. Langley's wild supposition, 'You're his woman, Dana. He was mental without you. We worried he was going to do something stupid and hurt himself.' I remember objecting to be referred to as 'his woman.' Then Mulder himself after he was pulled from the Burmuda Triangle: 'Scully ... I love you.' Did he mean it then? Or had it been the trauma of his experience and the drugs making him want to cling to me and claim me. Oh man, I'd forgotten all about that! Did he love me? Was that possible? We were certainly best friends. We were certainly woven into the fabric of each other's lives. But love? Well, yes, one could love a friend. I love him as a friend, certainly. But that was different from being IN LOVE. Am I in love with him? In love with him? I swallowed hard, not able to answer the question. His soft, low voice cut through my reverie. "Hey, Scully, I didn't mean to kill the party. Snap out of it." I opened my eyes and turned to him, smiling to reassure him. "Sorry, just thinking." "About what?" "Nothing that concerns you." Liar. "What are you hiding?" he teased, using my own words. I smiled again, suppressing my laughter. I loved it when he teased me. I pretended to be stricken by his immaturity or disgusted by his adolescent innuendo, but I actually loved it. I would never tell him though. I played along. "Moi?" I asked, mimicking him. He laughed now. "O.K., Scully, you show me yours, I'll show you mine." "Hmm, I don't know. Mine's probably more interesting." "Mine's probably more shocking." "You think so, huh?" "Yup." We looked at each other and shook our heads at the same time. My arms were draped over his legs. The heat of them was flooding into my lap and I realized that I was enjoying the feeling of his warmth. Just touching him, in any way always seemed to make the tension flow out of my body. I wanted more but didn't know how to ask, or if I really should at this point. "So, who were you calling?" "FTD." He said this with a perfectly straight face. "The flower delivery service?" I asked, sounding skeptical. "Yes." "What for?" "What does one generally call a flower delivery service for?" "Flowers." "Your investigative skills never cease to amaze me, Scully. Can't put anything by you." "Felt like brightening up yet another dismal hotel room for yourself, Mulder?" "Nope." "Sending your mother flowers? Is it her birthday?" I was purposely stringing him along, secretly a little excited at the prospect that he would buy me flowers. God help me. Was he going to start courting me? After all this time? I didn't want to assume anything. "No, not for my mother." "Then who?" He just kept looking at me, a smile threatening to pull at the corners of his mouth. "One guess." "Me?" Damn. My voice sounded breathy. "Guess you'll have to wait and find out." "No fair. If I'm gonna tell you mine, you have to tell me yours. All of it!" He smiled. "Yes." "Yes what?" "I ordered flowers for you." I just looked at him. "Are you serious?" He looked right back at me. "Oh, I'm veerryy serious, Scully." This Mulder that didn't back down was a bit disconcerting. I saw the challenge in his eyes. They said, 'Protest, try it. Deny that it pleases you.' All I could do was nod. He looked away for a moment, then asked, "So now that you've made me ruin my surprise, what were you thinking about? You looked all serious and sad." "I was thinking about some things that people told me. I never really verified them, but I have no reason to believe they aren't true." "You, Ms. Science, not verifying something? That's a switch. Maybe the eighth wonder of the world." I smirked. "Yeah, well, it would have been awkward to verify these things." "How so?" "I would have had to ask you." "Me?" "And I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the answer. Ahab always told me not to ask the question if I didn't want the answer. I should always be prepared to hear what I didn't want to hear. Prepared to accept whatever I would hear. I've lived by that for a long time, with regard to personal relationships anyway." "And we have a personal relationship?" "Of course, we're best friends, aren't we?" "Yes. So, would it still be awkward?" "Yes." "But are you willing to accept the answers anyway, whatever they may be?" "Maybe." "Maybe?" "Yes, I think so." "Fire away, Scully. I'm curious what could possibly be so serious that you would be afraid to ask me about it." "I didn't say I was afraid, I said it would be awkward." He was the one to flash the skeptical look now. "O.K., maybe I was a little scared. Still am, but I guess I'm more curious than I am scared of being awkward or embarrassed. Lord knows I've done my quota of embarrassing things for the day so I suppose it couldn't possibly get worse." Mulder replied, "You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm the one who should be embarrassed." "Anyway." "Yeah, anyway, are you going to ask me a question, or what?" I smirked. "No. First I'll tell you what I was remembering." "O.K." "When I came back, after Duane Barry, and had no memory and didn't even know how long I'd been gone, people said things to me." "What things?" "Things about you. I was shocked when I found out how long I'd been gone." "What did they say?" Something in his voice made me turn and look at him. He was nervous. Why? "Do you still want me to continue? You look uncomfortable already." "It's O.K. No, continue. It's just that we've never really talked much about that time. I mean we talked about what happened, the facts, but not ..." "The emotions," I finished for him. "Yeah." "Are you O.K. discussing it now?" "I think so. We'll see. What did they say? And who is they?" "Skinner, my mother, Frohike and the guys." "Oh swell," he said sarcastically. Our voices were subdued but still steady. "They told me you weren't in good shape." "That's an understatement." "My mother said that you refused to believe I was dead or gone for good." "True." "Why?" He was silent a moment and then responded. "I couldn't accept it. I somehow felt that if you were dead, I would FEEL it. I know that doesn't make any sense, but that's the way I felt at the time. My intuition told me you were still alive. I was nuts imagining all the horrible things that could be being done to you, but I KNEW you were still alive. I can't tell you how I knew. I just did." I nodded. Surprisingly, I knew what he meant, and I believed him. The same thing had occurred to me when I had identified his body in his apartment. Even though the clothes were his, somehow, in the back of my mind, I knew he wasn't gone for good. At his funeral, with his mother, I'd been sure enough of it to reassure her. For a nonbeliever, I was pretty sure of the unknown at that time. "Skinner told me that you handed in your resignation. What would possess you to do that, Mulder? I wouldn't want you to give up just because I was gone. If something ever happened to me, I would want you to carry on. I would want you to still keep trying to find the answers." "What for?" "What do you mean, what for?" "The purpose of continuing to look is to give purpose to all the horrible things that have happened to us. I don't want the health problems you've suffered, the death of Melissa and my father to have been for nothing." "Neither do I, that's exactly what I mean." "But mostly, I don't want what you've suffered to be for nothing. I don't want to repay you for staying with me by being ungrateful enough to give up." "Then why did you want to give up then?" "You were gone." "That doesn't make sense, Mulder." "It made perfect sense to me. I wanted vindication for you. I want answers for you. But if you weren't here to enjoy the vindication or the answers, what would be the point?" "What about vindication or answers for yourself?" "They don't mean shit if I can't share them with you. Not anymore." He said this with such conviction and I felt the stinging in my eyes again. I sure was getting teary a lot lately. Christ, it wasn't even time for my period. Why were my emotions running so close to the surface? Was it because of that one little kiss? Was it because he had made it clear that if I wanted something more, so did he? "I don't know what to say." For once, I wasn't going to give him some platitude about feeling the same way, or being grateful that he cared for me so much, although I did feel grateful. It would sound lame. "Don't say anything." He paused, his hand coming up to his chin, the backs of his knuckles brushing his stubble as he contemplated his next words. Finally his chin came to rest on the backs of his fingers. His eyes were fixed on a point in space above his seat. "Ya know. Something's happening to me." "What do you mean?" "Lately, I've been feeling like things I've kept to myself for so long are ready to come out. It's like; I want to tell you things. I want to share things with you that I've never shared with anyone. I don't expect you to feel the same way. I don't expect you to respond or even understand. But I feel an overwhelming urge for you to KNOW. I don't want to keep things to myself anymore. It's becoming too heavy a burden." He was going to get philosophical on me in minute. Philosophical Mulder could be an intense thing. We still had about an hour to our flight though and we weren't going anywhere but to the hotel tonight. Oh boy, what then? Maybe we could talk into the night. Could I keep it at talk? Did I want to? We were going to stay at a hotel called 'The Heritage Inn' in New Milford, Connecticut, about a 45 minute drive from 'Dudley Town. Sounded quaint. After a moment he continued. "But Scully, I don't want to make you uncomfortable around me. I don't want you to feel pressure to respond or reciprocate, or anything of that nature. And I certainly don't want to do anything to interfere with our friendship. So if at any point I say something to you that is making you uncomfortable or that you aren't ready to hear, tell me. O.K.?" "I will. Since when do I ever keep my mouth shut?" He smiled at this but still stared off into space. "You keep your mouth shut a lot, Scully, and don't think I don't know it. I know there are times when you just want to blast me, but you don't. You hold your tongue for the sake of peace. I want you to know that I appreciate it. You know how obsessed I get sometimes. And when I'm on a roll and putting things together in my head, I don't always think about HOW I'm saying things, you know? I don't think about how they will SOUND to others. I just need to hear myself talk sometimes. But I'm beginning to realize that a lot of what I do and think doesn't make any sense to you." "What else is new? I know you're able to make leaps of logic I can't make. I know that you have an intuition that I don't have." Another tender smile. "No. It's not that you are incapable of understanding. It's that I don't bother to explain where I'm getting my ideas or my information. I don't explain all the links in the chain, I just jump from the first to the last link and don't tell you all the stuff that ran through my head in between." "So start telling me. I probably still won't be able to keep up." I said this in a joking manner, but he must have heard something in the tone of my voice. That niggling little self-doubt demon was rearing its ugly head. Deep down I had always felt inferior to Mulder's intellect and had used my rigid thinking and science to armor myself against those feelings of inadequacy. If I could not come up with solid evidence, I could discount his theories with the righteousness of a scientist and it somehow made him less threatening, less overwhelming. "You always keep up with me, Scully. You streak past me in a lot of ways. I get stalled letting my personal feelings get in the way a lot. You rarely do that. You have that wonderful ability to detach yourself from situations so that you can look at them objectively. I can rarely do that. That's why criminal profiling was slowly driving me insane. I couldn't detach." "Look, Mulder, I know that I'll never be as smart as you and that's O.K." "Stop it, Scully. You're every bit as intelligent as I am. We just think differently. We believe differently on a lot of subjects. Partly because of our individual histories, partly because I'm a man and you're a woman." I looked at him when he said this wondering exactly what he meant by it. He saw the question on my face. It was a wonderful thing that we didn't always need words to communicate. But I was getting the feeling that we needed to use more words. If for no other reason than hearing ourselves helped to put things in perspective and in a frame of reference that we could quantify. At least that was true for me. "Scully, I'm not referring to one sex being better or worse than the other or more or less adequate. Let's face it. Men and women think differently. Often they arrive at the same conclusion. But the path they take to get there is completely different. Wouldn't you agree?" "Yes, I guess so." "And I hate it when you talk like you have no faith in yourself, or when you compare yourself to me. There is no comparison to be made. It's apples to oranges. We think differently. Different doesn't mean wrong. It just means different. We, as friends, I think have a real gift between us." "What's that?" "We can agree to disagree and be O.K. with that. We are confident enough in our friendship with one another that we know that disagreeing with each other is not going to jeopardize our friendship. We can even fight like cats and dogs and we KNOW, without a doubt, that we will still be friends. Our friendship isn't based on agreeing about everything or having a lot of common interests. Our friendship is unconditional and I think that's a rare and beautiful thing." "What is it based on? In your mind, tell me how you think of it." "It's based on mutual respect and trust. We trust each other to be honest with one another. We trust each other to cover each other's back. We trust each other never to betray the other. Therefore, we are able to RESPECT each other's different opinions without having to agree on them. It's O.K. with me that you don't agree with me on everything. That would be boring, Scully." He paused as though deciding whether to say something or not. I could see the minor struggle go on in his face. "Say it." He looked at me then, acknowledging that I had read him correctly. "Diana was boring." That statement shocked me. And despite my best efforts not to react, my jaw fell open and then I took a deep breath and snapped my jaw shut. "How's that?" I finally managed to ask. He chuckled at my reaction and that, strangely, did not upset me. "I was wondering whether to mention her name or not. I don't want to upset you. But she's a perfect example of someone that bases friendship on common interest and agreeing on things. She always thought that if she agreed with me and went along with me, that I would like her, that I would care for her." "And you didn't?" "Oh, I cared for her at one time, but not for the reasons she thought. I didn't care for her because she was 'on my side'. I didn't care for her because she followed me like a sheep. I cared for her because she made me feel lovable." He sighed. "But she was boring. She didn't stimulate me intellectually in any way. "You stimulate me all the time, intellectually ... and in other ways too." I felt my face getting hot. Damn my lily white skin! He continued as though I hadn't reacted. "She was also dishonest. Because she didn't really believe everything I believed. She just said that she did because she thought that was what I wanted to hear and she was afraid that if she disagreed, I wouldn't want her anymore." I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say. "But the reason I didn't want her anymore was because I realized that she wasn't being honest with me. Because of the fact that she was telling me what I wanted to hear, I couldn't trust her judgment or her advice. It was coming from a place where her reactions were to preserve the relationship, not to solve the matter at hand. She became a liability at that point to the work. And it soured the relationship. But I still wanted to make it work, talk to her about it. But then she left and that was the end of that." "I see." "Do you?" He paused. "Scully, I know that you think that I was giving her attention because she thinks more like I do than you do." I swallowed hard. That was exactly what I thought. I was ashamed to admit that this was the very reason that I felt threatened by her. I felt that she had an advantage I didn't have with him. It was the very reason that I was jealous of her. Even though she had no characteristics that I admired, I envied her. I was jealous that she had a connection with Mulder that I couldn't share, the bonding of similar beliefs. He watched me silently for a few moments. "That does, or did bother me. It frightened me. I thought you would eventually transfer me out. That was a fear of mine and it grew the more time you spent with her. I was afraid you'd want her by your side instead of me." He nodded as though I'd just confirmed all his suspicions. "You're wrong. She never validated the work like you do. She never challenged me like you do. But mostly, I just never felt for her, anything like what I feel for you. I was simply giving her the benefit of the doubt because I figured I owed her that much. It would be the worst kind of macho cad for me to discount her professionally just because our personal relationship was over. But Scully, it's exactly because you DON'T agree with me on every little thing that makes you so interesting. You challenge me and you are strong enough to stand up for what you believe in and be honest with me about what you think. I don't ever have to guess whether or not you agree with me. It's no mystery. You tell me exactly what you think of my wild theories. And while that may exasperate me from time to time, it's the very thing that makes you so intriguing to me. It's the very thing that makes you so strong in my eyes, so vital, so refreshing." I looked at him again. I was a little embarrassed. I never thought about our relationship in this manner. I never considered exactly what it was about me that he liked and disliked. I just went with it because it seemed to happen so naturally. Ahab had raised us all to be independent thinkers and follow our hearts. But that didn't mean that I didn't yearn from time to time to be a part of the pack. It didn't mean that I didn't pine for acceptance and approval from the people that I cared about. It didn't mean that I wasn't insecure about my place in the world sometimes. "I never thought about it, Mulder." "Thought about what?" "What you like about me or don't like about me." "Want a list?" he teased. I smiled at him. "Maybe some other time." He returned my smile. "This conversation has really gotten off track. "We do that sometimes." "Sometimes, Mulder?" He chuckled. "So what else were you thinking about?" What should I say? "Well, the guys said that you were pretty torn up when I was gone. They said that you were a little crazed and very depressed. I didn't know how much to believe. I know they can be awfully melodramatic sometimes." "So what do you want to know?" "What happened to you when I was gone?" "I went nuts." I shook my head sadly. "Define nuts, Mulder." "Hmm." I waited patiently while he gathered his thoughts. The silence stretched. "You know what? You don't have to tell me if you're uncomfortable with it." "No, no. I'll tell you. I'm trying to think of how to describe what I was thinking at the time, what I FELT." "That's a toughie for both of us, it seems." He nodded, agreeing with me. "Let's see. I think it would be fair to say that I could think of absolutely nothing else. I wasn't interested in anything to do with the X-Files. I wasn't interested in going anywhere or doing anything that didn't have to do with finding you. I was completely depressed and felt totally helpless. The only thing I could think about was finding out where you were and getting you back." I waited. I didn't figure now was the time to interrupt. This silence wasn't uncomfortable like the last one though. He sighed. "I did a couple of things that I'm not proud of during that time." "Like what?" "I'm not sure I'm ready to tell you about that part of it. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready." "That's O.K. We all do things when we're not proud of sometimes. When people are depressed and grieving, they often act out of character." His laugh was self-deprecating this time. "That's an understatement." "Whatever you want to tell me, Mulder." He knew I would accept whatever he wanted to give me and I wouldn't ask for more. I was thrilled that he was telling me anything about that time. He'd been so closed- mouthed about it. We'd never really discussed it at any length. His voice was steady but thick with emotion. He still wasn't looking at me. "I think it's safe to say ... that I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest." I looked at him again and his jaw was cringing with the effort to hold back his frown, maybe tears. "Mulder ..." He turned his head to me finally, a sad smile on his face. "The boys didn't exaggerate. I was off my rocker. Everything just seemed pointless. I couldn't feel anything anymore. After my initial rage and anger wore off, I just went numb with grief. And then ... and then..." "What?" I prompted. "I knew the cheese was sliding off the cracker." I smiled at his metaphor. "I just didn't care anymore, but I wanted so badly just to FEEL something, anything, again. I remember thinking that if I couldn't FEEL something soon, I might as well end it all." "Jesus, Mulder!" "I was that depressed. And I blamed myself for not being able to save you. Oh god, Scully, when I got that message on my machine, you crying out for help ... the bottom fell out of my world in that instant. I knew I was already too late even as I broke every traffic law from Arlington to Georgetown." "It wasn't your fault and there was nothing that you could have done differently that would have changed the outcome." "Maybe. But I needed to feel. And so I ran out and found myself someone to save. I wasn't consciously thinking of it this way at the time. But now I can see that I was thinking that if I could save someone else, maybe that would redeem me, in your eyes where ever you were or in my own eyes. I don't know." "I take it this is the part where you went and did something you're not proud of." "Yes." "You don't have to tell me." He was silent a moment. "I don't want to have any secrets from you, but I'm so ashamed of what I did. It bordered on retarded." "I doubt that. You don't need to be ashamed, Mulder and you don't need to tell me. I totally over-reacted earlier to ... seeing you with her. I think I know why now or I've always known and just now come to terms with it." "Why?" "Can I save it for later?" He smiled, nodding in the affirmative. "I went out to California to help solve a case where victims were found drained of blood." "Oh, brother, I can see it coming now." I was trying to tease him but the look on his face was total disgust, for himself. "Oh, Mulder, I'm sorry. Forget I said that." "It's O.K. It's every bit as bad as you think. And you'll be incredulous." "What did you find?" "Vampires." "Vampires." My voice was flat. I was not going to give into the urge to scoff. This was obviously an important story he needed to tell and I had the feeling that vampires were not going to end up being the point. "Yes, vampires. Don't say it. I know. Belief in vampires is even weird for me. And I didn't believe. I knew of a disease that made people want to ingest small quantities of blood and that these people were often mistaken for vampires in folk lore." "I've heard of it." "Yeah, well I figured that's what this was, or some out of control cult members or devil worshippers. They were leaving bible quotes and references in the wake of their crimes, referring to themselves as a holy trinity." "And?" "And I had a hunch and checked all the blood banks for recent hires and located one of them. He was guy in his mid-thirties, totally whacked. He spouted off about eternal youth and needing blood to survive and how fire and maybe sunlight could kill him, but nothing else could. He was eternal, yaddada, yaddada, yaddada." I nodded. "We put him in a cell and I had a go at him, getting nothing. I told the cops to play along with him and if he wanted to talk when the sun came up, to cover the window and call me. I don't think I'd slept in three days at that point other than to dose." "What happened?" "He didn't want to talk." "And that means ... what?" "This is the part you won't believe, but I swear it happened and I was just as shocked and incredulous as you're going to be." "Tell me." "The sun came up, came through the bars on his window and he ... he burned to a crisp." I stared at him wide-eyed. He nodded. Unbelievable. "I did NOT believe in these creatures. For once, I was the non-believer. I hadn't even considered he was for real." "That's uncharacteristic behavior for you right there." "Low blow, Scully." I smiled to be sure he knew I was teasing. He smiled back. "The medical examiner that came to the scene used a lamp and some hocus pocus and lifted some ink off the back of the guys hand that led me to an underground club full of people who considered themselves vampires or at least were into blood sports of some kind. The place was called 'Club Tepes'." I waited. "I met someone there." Oh god. I knew what he was going to say. "A woman?" "Yeah." "And?" "She was involved with Mr. Extra Crispy and whoever the third one was." "Involved?" "To make a long story short, he'd been her boyfriend, he'd roped her into this lifestyle and she was afraid. She wanted out but was afraid he'd get her if she tried to leave or even hinted at revealing him." "So you decided to save her." "Yes I did. What an ass. She asked me about you." "How did she know about me?" "I wore your cross." "You did? Why?" "Yes, because it was all I had of yours that I keep with me. At first, she thought I was wearing it for protection and laughed at me." "Protection against vampires?" I laughed, I couldn't help it. He just continued. "I asked her to leave with me and let me protect her. She wouldn't go." "So you ..." "So I stayed." "Ahhh." "I haven't heard the retarded part yet so I guess this is where it comes in?" "Yeah." "I take it you didn't just sleep on the couch and listen for burglars." "No." "Ahhh." I really didn't know what I thought about that. Curiously, I wasn't feeling much of anything. "I'm not proud of it Scully." "You slept with her, with a stranger." It was a statement. I already knew the answer. A beat of silence. "Yes." "Did you feel anything?" Another beat of silence. "Not much. It was a band aid for a couple of hours until Mr. Extra Crispy himself showed up." "The dead vampire?" "Yup." "He showed up?" "Yes." "What happened?" He looked a little surprised that I wasn't questioning this scenario or that I wasn't reacting to the fact that he had slept with her. The idea made me cringe, but she was faceless and so didn't affect me like Diana did. And I didn't want this to degenerate into a discussion about what was real. One thing I realized through working with Mulder. If you believed something strongly enough, then it was true for you. And whether it was reality or not didn't really matter. It determined your actions and so was a valid reality for you at the time. "He tried to kill both of us." "Do I want the details?" "No." Silence again. "Is that the end of the story." "No. She finally killed him by lighting him and consequently the whole house on fire. It was the only thing that could totally destroy him." "So you two had to explain this to the police." "I had to try." "Just you." "Yes." "There more, isn't there?" He nodded and I saw tears in his eyes. What or who they were for I couldn't say. "She killed him by lighting herself on fire. She did it so I could get away. She thought she was doomed anyway, that there was no escaping him." He let out a little sob. "I've never talked to anyone about this." "Oh Christ, Mulder!" His eyes closed and his jaw quivered again with suppressed tears. Then a sob released and his hand pressed to his forehead in an effort to stop his reaction. His fear of fire! That must have seemed like the worst kind of sacrifice to him. The guilt he must have felt! And if I knew him at all, he felt responsible for her death. Before I knew what I was doing, I had lifted his right leg over my shoulder and behind my back. I slid between his legs to clasp my arms around his waist. His arms went around me and I held him as he cried quietly, his chest shaking against mine. He finally calmed and I sat up. Then I stood and grabbed the blanket from the overhead compartment and returned to my former position, pulling the blanket over both of us. He seemed surprised I was coming back to embrace him again and gasped when I laid my head on his chest and slowly pressed my lips to his collarbone. "I'm sorry, Mulder. You probably blamed yourself for that too." Softly he replied, "How could I not? Not only did I not save her, finding me there was probably what got her killed." "No. I won't believe that. You were trying to help. She made her own choices. You needed the comfort yourself. You were probably a comfort to each other. And if she was able to give you comfort and make you want to keep going and stay alive, then I owe her a debt of gratitude. I don't even want to think what I would have done if I'd woken up and found out that you were gone." We held each other tightly then. He whispered, "You're are a bigger person than me, Scully. You have to be the most generous, forgiving person I know." "Hardly." "I can't believe that didn't disgust you. It disgusted me." "You could never disgust me, Mulder." We were silent for a time, just settling into the warmth of each other's bodies and drifting in and out of a doze. His lips fell to my ear and his breath made me shiver. He whispered softly in my ear. "Just so you know, Scully, she is the only person I've been with ..." "What do you mean the only person you've been with?" He breathed into my ear again. "Since you came into my life." Now it was my turn to gasp. Could that be true? I'd been sure he'd been with Phoebe, and I was reasonably sure he'd been with Diana at some point. He wouldn't lie to me about this, would he? No, he wouldn't. "Why are you telling me this, Mulder?" "Because I wanted you to know." "Why?" "In case it was important to you." "In case...??" I lifted my head off his chest to look at him. He was looking at me. His face was a bit sheepish and he shrugged. "Just one of those things I wanted to tell you and don't expect you to respond to." His lips were so close, a mere inch or so away as he held my gaze. I whispered back. Somehow a normal voice seemed inappropriate, even though none of the passengers were paying any attention to us. "What if I want to respond?" "Then you can. But you don't have to say anything." "I didn't say I wanted to SAY anything. I said I might want to respond." His eyes widened a little. Even with the sallow light of the overhead lamp casting his face in shadow, I could see his eyes change color and go from dark hazel to bright green. Then his pupils dilated slowly as he breathed into my face, his breath quickening. He licked his lips and I was all done. Screw this coy bullshit. I wanted to kiss him again. I let my lips drift toward his. He went completely still, waiting. I smiled just before I pressed my lips to his softly. He opened his mouth slightly and puffed a couple of shallow breaths into my mouth, still waiting. His lips captured my top lip gently and slid away slowly. I suppressed a moan at the wave of arousal that washed through me, leaving me warm and slightly light headed. What the hell? He hadn't even really kissed me yet. I whispered, "Kiss me." He shook his head ever so slightly in the negative, his lips brushing mine as he did. Then he whispered back. "No, YOU ... kiss ... ME." I knew what he was asking. Both of our previous kisses had been initiated by him. And I had not responded in any significant way. He was asking me to make this next move. He needed to know I wanted this and wasn't just responding out of pity or to comfort him. He wanted me to initiate this. I knew what that meant. It would be saying that I wanted more from this relationship. The way he had said the same thing to me in so many words. He wouldn't do a thing unless he knew that I wanted the same things. He hadn't said it straight out, but he didn't need to. He wanted more. He needed to know that I wanted more also. He wasn't going to try to kiss me again. I needed to respond to him, just like he'd said earlier. He blinked slowly, still not moving away but not moving forward either. I decided that if I was really going to do this, then I was going to do it right. I was through with these dangling threads of doubt, these unanswered questions between us. I was through lying to myself and I was tired of the tension, the jealousy. I was tired of not taking what I knew in my heart I wanted. The waiting was over. I could make him mine, 100 %. All I had to do was lean in and take his lips with mine. I smiled my best seductive smile, slowly. His words came back to me. 'If you want more, all you have to do is ask. He gulped but that was his only visible reaction. I whispered again. "Mulder." "Yeah?" I let my lips brush his as I spoke. "I want more." He barely had time to gasp and I laid my open mouth over his and slid my tongue into his mouth. This time, there would be tongue. He groaned into my mouth. The deep and resonant vibrations flooded my body and I felt myself grow moist and throb between my legs. His hands slid up my sides and brushed the sides of breasts. Both nipples were hard in an instant. Our tongues lapped over and around each other almost in slow motion. He kissed me harder and lapped at my teeth and gums, nipped at my lower lip and then swept inside again, painting the roof of my mouth with that long tongue. I moaned and pulled him tighter against me. He didn't lie. He pressed my mouth open wide with his and kissed me with hunger and a passion I knew I'd never elicited from any other man that had ever kissed me. Oh God, how he wanted me! I couldn't believe how excited that made me. Mulder wants me. Mulder wants me. Oh God, he really wants me. So sexy. He's so damn sexy. And he wants me. As he'd said he would, he kissed me until I finally couldn't breath. My nasal passages were dry from sucking in hard breaths through them to maintain my lip lock on his mouth. I gave as good as I got or at least I tried. Apparently it was working because I could feel him hot and hard against my stomach. I pulled away; feeling flushed and light headed. He put his forehead on mine in a familiar gesture while we panted for air, letting our hearts return to a semi-normal rate. "Oh my God, Mulder." "Yeah, that's putting it mildly," he panted. He was grinning like a maniac. "What are you grinning about?" "I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. I've wanted to do that for sooo long." His face was full of awe and disbelief. Joy was written in every line of his face. I'd made him happy. That thought filled me with peace. This was right. This was so right. "Believe it." I kissed him gently and withdrew his lips chasing mine as I pulled away. I chuckled quietly and he did too. "We need to stop though." He gave me an exaggerated pout that almost killed me it was so pathetic. "Mulder, we are on an airplane." "You don't say?" He asked innocently. I smacked him lightly on the arm. "I don't want to start something I can't finish." "We could finish." "I don't think so." "Want to join the mile high club, Scully?" My jaw dropped until I realized he wasn't serious. He was teasing me. "I am not going to have our first time be in a rest room." "That would be substandard," he quipped, "even for me." "But I wouldn't mind cuddling and catching a few Zs until we land." "Deal." I snuggled in with my head tucked under his chin as he held me gently, his warm hand sliding up and down my back in a gentle caress. Then he whispered to me again as he readjusted the blanket around us, tucking it under his hip to anchor it. "Does that mean you are willing to finish this later?" He sounded so hopeful I almost laughed, but tamped it down. "We'll see." "We'll see?" "Let's take this one step at a time, Mulder." "O.K." He sounded disappointed. After another few moments of silence, feeling mischievous, I teased, "I don't think I'll keep you waiting too long though." "Good to know. Because Scully?" "What?" I felt his lips move in my hair on the top of my head as he whispered, "I want you so bad I could scream." I shivered at his words. I knew that from his reaction to my kiss, but hearing it was just as exciting. "Good." "That's a good thing?" "Oh yeah." He smiled into my hair and we both settled in and dozed off. XXXXXXXXXX PART 2 (NC-17) THE HERITAGE INN NEW MILFORD, CT 09:00 PM The Heritage Inn was a nice place. They served a continental breakfast downstairs in the morning. I was looking forward to that. We finally got here after renting a car and driving an hour and half from the airport. There was still a half-hour to forty-five minute drive to the place we have to check out. The towns are small out here and there are constables, but not much in the way of local police. Although New Milford does have a police department, the State police tend to patrol most of the small towns without their own police force. I took a shower and settled in on the bed in my boxers to read over the case file. My heart wasn't in it so I laid it on the bedside table and reclined, closing my eyes. Waking up on the plane with Scully sprawled on top of me was a wonderful experience. It felt so ... easy and natural to have her there cradled in my arms. I woke before her and watched her sleep for a while. It's one of my favorite things to do. I endured my aching back and the numbness in my leg to keep her there for as long as possible. I didn't want to let her go. But we were landing and I finally had to wake her up so she could buckle herself in for the landing. She hates the landings and take-offs. This time, after buckling in, I slid my arm around her shoulders and leaned her into my torso. My left hand covered the one she had on the armrest between us. She let me do it and leaned her head on my shoulder, relaxed as we landed. I could get real used to that kind of stuff. I'm a tactile person. She knows that. But I'm also a romantic. She doesn't know that. She 'oohhed and ahh'd at the dozen roses I got her. Six were red, six were yellow. They were delivered before we got here and were waiting for her at the desk when we checked in. She thanked me and actually blushed, even though I'd told her earlier that I'd gotten them. She didn't seem any less pleased for the lack of surprise. She flushed when she saw me enjoying her enthusiasm. I love it when she does that. I just heard her shower shut off next door. I left it up to her whether or not she wanted to come in here when she done. I don't want to push but I'm anxious as hell. I want to hold her again. I want to do a lot more than that. I promised myself that I wouldn't get pushy. It's difficult though when one kiss gives you a hard on that won't go away for at least a half an hour. Christ, I'm horny too. Let's face it. It's been a long time since I got laid. And the last experience wasn't exactly great. I'd had better orgasms masturbating than I'd had with the vampire girl. It wasn't her fault. It was mine. My head was not present and accounted for with us in the room. My head was grieving and I was wishing she was Scully. God, I was such an ass. I'm lucky I didn't catch anything for Christ's sake. So I lay here thinking about everything that has happened in the last twelve hours. Damn Diana. What was she thinking? I really didn't think she would act like such a hussy and throw herself at me, knowing it wasn't what I wanted. Shows how well I can read women. I had thought that I had made it perfectly clear that I was not interested in a personal relationship with her again. But some good comes out of everything. That little scene was the catalyst for a second kiss with Scully. And it gave me a glimpse of something I'd been hoping for. For years now, I'd been waiting to have one little hint from her that she was interested in something more than friendship. The hint never came. For the past very, long five years, I saw nothing. I got tired of being disappointed and finally gave up. I accepted that it wasn't going to happen. I resigned myself to 'just friendship' with her and determined to be grateful for that much. Most of the time, I was successful. But there were moments when wanting to touch her drove me insane. She was jealous when she saw Diana kiss me. She doesn't like her, and therefore, she would be unhappy if I were involved with Diana in any way. But her reaction went way beyond being concerned for a friend's welfare. She was mortified. And ... she was hurt. I saw it in her eyes. She felt betrayed. I couldn't stand to see her hurt so I had to explain what that stupid escapade was all about. Diana had been pestering me for weeks to meet with her in private. I wouldn't do it, so she cornered me in the garage and tried to convince me to date her again. She said she could help me by filtering information to me from her superiors. I was immediately suspicious of her motives, but I was willing to listen. But being involved romantically with her again would be too high a price to pay and I told her so. If she was truly altruistic, and wanted to help me, she would and wouldn't want or need anything in return. That's when she kissed me. I absently rubbed my hand over my ribcage and winced. I had quite a bruise on my right side, covering a couple of ribs. My ferocious partner had really nailed me good. For a little thing, she packed quite a punch! I wasn't ready for that, I didn't expect it. She'd never struck out at me physically before. Then again, I'd never tried to restrain her when she was angry and upset before either. Oh well, live and learn. She was jealous. Oh God, I know she was, even though she never really admitted it. She had no reason to be, but the thought that she was brought a small smile to my face. If I was a praying man, I would be praying right now that my perceptions were correct and this was going to lead somewhere. I'm not, so I'm just laying her wishing, hoping. She said she wanted more. Just because she said she wanted more is no guarantee. I know how volatile she can be sometimes. She could change her mind in an instant. The problem was that now I'd kissed her, for real. And I wasn't going to soon forget how excited that made me. Her lips were so soft and pliant. Her tongue inside my mouth aroused me in an instant. I was getting hard just thinking about it. I'd given up on a relationship with her, and now she'd revived the beast in my brain. And my heart was letting go of its defense mechanisms. Keeping up the walls to shield myself from hurt and disappointment was taking too much out of me. I wasn't going to be able to shut this yearning down easily if she changed her mind. And she hadn't said how much more. Women were so complex. And Scully was more complex than most. She had layers, upon layers, upon layers. There was the capable FBI agent, the unflinching pathologist, the logical investigator, the brave woman, and the vulnerable woman. So many Scullys, so little time, I mused, then smiled at how stupid that would sound if I said it out loud. Just then I heard a faint knock on the door. It was not the confident three sharp knocks that usually came when she wanted entry to discuss a case. I looked at the door, "Come in, Scully." The door opened slowly and she stepped inside, closing the door behind her. She leaned with her back to it much the way I had done in the office when I was wary of approaching her. I hadn't wanted her to feel trapped. I had a feeling Scully's apprehension was for a different reason. I could see she was not completely comfortable coming in here now. Maybe she was afraid I was expecting something. I should probably put that fear to rest. "Hey, partner." "Hey, Mulder." "Come sit." She approached slowly. She was wearing blue silk pajamas that hung loosely on her frame. I couldn't help looking at her chest and noticing that she wasn't wearing a bra. The silky fabric was whispering on her skin and I saw the beginnings of hard nipples through the fabric. I closed my eyes to clear them of the sight and reopened them, looking at her face. She was slightly flushed and still standing at the side of the bed. I sat up and scooted back to recline against the headboard with a pillow behind my back. I pulled a second pillow out and placed it against the headboard next to mine. "Come on, I won't bite you." She smiled a nervous smile at that comment. "I know, but could you, um ..." "What Scully?" "Could you put some pants on?" "Oh! Sorry." I leaped off the bed and grabbed a pair of sweats from my suitcase and put them on with my back to her. I was smiling to myself. Apparently exposing myself was making her uncomfortable. It would serve her right for all the times she's driven me crazy with low cut blouses and high hemmed skirts. I turned around and she was now sitting on the bed, reclining against the pillow. I took up my place again. "So, Mulder." "So, Scully." I smiled at her. "I feel like a jerk here." "Why?" "Because I'm being such a nerd about this. You're my best friend. I've known you for seven years and all of a sudden I'm nervous coming in here to face you. Because of one kiss." "Three." "Huh?" "Three. I've kissed you three times, on the lips anyway." She smiled again and looked at her lap. "O.K., three. But that last one!" I smiled wider. "That last one, what?" She looked over at me slowly, her cheeks flushing a little pinker. "It was ... extraordinary." "Extraordinary, huh? How so?" "You're not going to make this easy on me are you?" "Nope, can't do that." She chuckled, looking away from me again. "I'm really at a loss for something to say. But I know that we need to talk some more." "How about if I start?" "That would be good." "Do you want to ask me any questions?" "Yes, but I can't think of one damn question right now." It was my turn to chuckle. "How about if I just tell you what I'm thinking." "O.K., or you can ask me questions. I'll try to answer them. I'm not too good at this type of discussion." "I think you're selling yourself short. This is new territory for both of us. It's natural that we are hesitant and unsure of what to say. I know I am. I'm so afraid of screwing this up." "Me too." "Well at least we're both having the same concern. What I want to know is, what exactly is THIS, that I'm afraid of screwing up?" "I don't know, Mulder." "That's not a lot of help, Scully." She smirked. "You said you wanted more. Can you define more?" "Well, let's see. I guess it's pretty obvious that I find you incredibly physically attractive." I wasn't sure what to say to that. Physically attractive. Well, I thought she was too, but that was the least of it. I wanted her because she was her, because of who she was to me. "Well, it's safe for you to assume that I think you're incredibly beautiful and sexy. But that's not ... all of it." She nodded, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "For me either." I lowered my voice a notch, not sure whether to ask this next question. "Scully, tell me the truth. Were you jealous today or were you just upset because someone you dislike and distrust was coming on to me and you care for me as a friend and don't want to see me get hurt?" She was silent for a moment, then, "Both." I swallowed hard. "O.K. Now we're getting somewhere. If you were jealous, then I have to assume that you ... feel something more for me than ... just friendship." "Yes." After another few moments of silence, I realized she wasn't going to elaborate. "Can you tell me exactly what it is that you do feel?" "Not entirely." "Oh. Well, remember me saying I wanted you to know things? Maybe I can tell you how I feel, if you're ready to hear it." "Please do." "I'm crazy about you, Scully." She looked at me now and I held her gaze. "Everything about you attracts me. Your mind, your compassion, your bravery, your ... body." She flushed pink again. I continued before she had a chance to stop me. "You've gotten under my skin in the last seven years. I know what it's like to be without you. It was hell on earth, Scully. And I know that you think that I'm overprotective of you sometimes. But try to understand. I've lost everyone I've ever loved. I've almost lost you so many times. I was crazed when you were gone, then more depressed than I've ever been in my life and that's saying something! There was a time when I could have done this alone, but not anymore. And Scully, I'm not just talking about the X-Files. I'm talking about living my life and not having anyone, specifically you to share it with. I couldn't do it." I paused, trying to suppress the lump that was forming in my throat. I had to get this out. My voice was a bit scratchier than when I started but I pushed on. "But not only could I not do this alone, I don't WANT to anymore. I go crazy when I think you're in danger or when I don't know where you are." "I have to find you when that happens to reassure myself that you're O.K. and still with me. If that strikes you as cavemanish, then I'm sorry, but that's the way I feel, because I couldn't go on without you anymore, Scully." "I feel ... the same way." She looked away now, her eyes suspiciously wet. "Scully, there's more." She nodded but didn't look at me. "Somehow, and I don't know how, and I don't know when, I started looking at you differently." "Differently?" "At first you were my nemesis, sent to destroy me. Then you were my tentative supporter. Then you became my champion. Then you became my friend, my best friend." "And after that?" Could I say this and not sound like a total dweeb? "Then you became my life." It came out as a near whisper. "Oh God, Mulder." She hiccuped her breath a little and hung her head, her hair blocking her face from me. I tentatively reached out and pushed her hair back, tucking it behind her ear. She shivered as I trailed my fingers down her neck and over her shoulder. I turned into her and crawled closer, facing her side and sat on one hip. My hand went to her chin and turned her to face me. I had to see her face. "Then I started wanting to touch you, and hold you, and comfort you. But you wouldn't let me. You thought you had to be so strong, that you had something to prove. Maybe you needed to prove something to the Bureau, or Skinner, or maybe even to yourself, but you never had anything to prove to me. You thought I would see you as weak if you broke down and needed comfort. Nothing could be further from the truth. I could never fault you for being human, Scully. And that's all it would make you. Just human. Lord knows I've been scared out of my wits on many occasions. Lord knows I've needed comfort and you've always been there for me. How could I do any less for you? But you wouldn't let me in." "I was afraid." "Of me?" "Of letting anyone in, especially you." "Why especially me?" I tried to sound neutral, but I could hear the hurt in my own voice. She took a deep breath. "Because I know that I'd never be able to get over you." "What do you mean by that, exactly?" "Mulder, I care for you TOO much. And if I let myself be vulnerable with you and then you decided that you ... didn't want me in your life, or that a relationship wouldn't work ... it would destroy me." "There is no such thing as caring too much." This was as close to an admission of her feelings as she'd ever come. I was stunned. I could destroy her? Quite the other way around, I think. "That will never happen, Scully." "What?" "I will always want you in my life. I will always NEED your friendship and support. And I will always WANT you." Her voice was soft. "But what if I lost you?" "Better to have loved and lost ..." "Than to never have loved at all," she finished for me. It had been a long time since I'd intentionally come on to a woman. And this was tricky. This was Scully. This was the love of my life. But I had to try. Something told me the time had come and if let her out of her without telling her how I felt, I'd never get another chance. She would become unsure and uncomfortable again and it would not happen. I took a deep breath. "Scully, I need and want you by my side at work. I need and want you by my side when I need a friend. And I just plain want you ... in my bed. Christ, Scully, sometimes I ACHE for you." Her eyes closed and I watched her carefully. Her breathing was shallow. I leaned in to whisper into her ear as my hand cupped the back of her neck. "I would never leave you, Scully, for any reason. No matter how bad we fought, I will always come back. And if you run away or are taken away, I'll go to end of the earth to bring you back." She whispered, "You already did that." "You're the one who could destroy me, Scully. Do you know why? Do you know what my biggest fear is?" "No," she breathed out. I slid both arms around her and pulled her into my lap. Her head was on my shoulder and I could feel her breath on my neck. I was getting hard just from that little sensation. I tipped her face up to me again. Take the plunge, I thought. Now or never. If she walks out of this room, it's all over and I may never have another chance. "I'm in love with you, Scully. I have been for a long time." Her eyes went wide as saucers. Maybe I was moving too fast. Don't give her time to think, I thought. "And I'm absolutely terrified that you are never going to love me back." Whew! It's out. I closed my eyes, breathing a little shaky while I waited to see what she would do, or say. She wasn't answering and I felt the sting in my eyes. I was afraid to open them and see her face now. I clenched my jaw and then gasped as her hand soothed over it, rubbing gently against my clenched muscles. I turned my face into her hand and opened my eyes just enough to peek at her. She looked stunned and was staring at me. "Mulder," she whispered. And she kissed me. And she kissed me again. And again. Each one was deeper and rougher than the last. She hadn't spoken, except to say my name. She hadn't said anything back. And at that moment, I couldn't bring myself to care. All I knew was the rippling joy of feeling her kiss me. She pushed on my shoulders and I fell back onto the bed. I gasped as she straddled my thighs and began running the palms of her hands over my stomach and up to my chest. I felt another rush of blood in my groin and stiffened to fully erect at her first touch. Her hands were cool. She was staring as if fascinated with what she saw. I laid there, quietly panting while she explored. Her hands ran up and down my arms and over my shoulders, and back down my chest. She leaned over and placed a soft, light kiss on the bruise on my ribs. "I'm sorry, Mulder." "Ss'okay." Oh good, I was slurring my words already! "No, it's not. I shouldn't have done that. I'm so sorry. It will never happen again." "Don't make promises you can't keep." She smiled. "I'll keep this one. I've never done that to anyone except when I was in danger. It was a knee jerk reaction to being touched. I'm sorry." "It's ohhh! Kay!" I shouted suddenly as her tongue rolled over my nipple and made it stand at attention. She chuckled. "You think that's funny?" "Mmm," she hummed against my chest and began licking her way down, carefully avoiding my bruise which was now a lovely shade of light purple. She swirled her tongue in my navel and I groaned, pulling her back up to sprawl on my chest. I winced as she squirmed and she saw it. "Maybe I shouldn't be up here." "You're O.K." "I think I've done enough damage for one day." She slid off my chest and knelt beside me, my arms trailing after her. "No, don't go." "Shhh, just a second." She unbuttoned the top two buttons on her top and then whipped it over her head, tossing it onto the floor. I stared, my mouth hanging open. I stared, and panted, feeling arousal wash through me at the sight of her perfect breasts. I knelt in front of her and we both came up onto our knees. My voice was a whisper. "You're so beautiful, Scully." Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. But she was aroused too. I could see her pupils were dilated. I gently placed the backs of my fingers on her tummy near her navel and trailed them up her stomach. Her breathing quickened. When I reached her breasts, I trailed my hands over the outside of her firm globes. Her breasts were not large, but they were perfect and generous on her tiny frame. They were full and ripe, a gentle slope of weight showing at the bottom. Her nipples were coral pink and hardened into little nubs. I swept my fingers over them and watched as they hardened further and her areola puckered with gooseflesh. She moaned lightly. "So beautiful. Scully, your breasts are perfect." I pinched her hard nubs lightly and she moaned, louder this time. That was encouraging. Then she said, "I was afraid you wouldn't like them." Huh? "What are you talking about?" "I was afraid I wouldn't be ... busty enough, or ... " "More than a mouthful's a waste." With that, I dipped my head down and took her nipple into my mouth. She coughed out the beginning of a laugh, but then she groaned a sultry, low tone that vibrated through her chest as I licked her roughly. I began to suckle her, laving her with my tongue as I sucked her ripe little nub into my mouth. She gripped my shoulders for support. I reveled in the gripping of her fingers each time I pulled on her sensitive flesh. I switched to the other breast and gave it the same treatment. Her hands began sliding up and down my back, causing me to shiver and my muscles to quiver under her light touch. My groin was beginning to throb like crazy. I came up for air and she clutched me to her chest and raised her lips to mine again. Her kiss was hungry and passionate. I was slightly embarrassed as I began to tremble with need and excitement. If she didn't want this to go all the way then I had better stop now and cool down. We still had our pants on and I was careening out of control. Her skin was so soft. I could feel her toned muscles moving under the soft skin on her back. She broke the kiss and laid her lips on my neck, just resting them there as we both panted softly, trying to regain our composure. She said, "You're trembling, Mulder." I chuckled self consciously. "I know." She smiled against my neck. "You O.K.?" "Yeah, it's good tremble. Embarrassing, but a good tremble." She chuckled softly. "Don't be embarrassed, I'm flattered." "Scully, I need to stop this now if you don't want to, uh, keep going." "You want to stop?" She sounded confused. "No, I don't WANT to stop but I HAVE to stop or I'm not going to be able to." "Oh." "So it's decision time, partner. How much MORE do you want?" She was silent a moment. I held her close, my thumbs rubbing circles on her back. I couldn't get over how soft she felt. Then she slid languidly out of my arms and laid down on her back on the bed. I watched her, wondering if she was going to answer me. She didn't. She just hooked her thumbs in the waistband of her pajama bottoms and lifted her hips, yanking them down and off her legs. Sweet Jesus! She wasn't wearing any underpants! Her knees were slightly bent, with her feet laying flat on the bed. My eyes made the trip up and down her slender frame several times. I was mesmerized by the slight flare of her hips, and her well toned legs. But then I forgot to breathe. Her knees fell open slightly, her hands resting on the bedspread. I could do nothing but stare at the patch of curls between her legs. She calmly stated, "Breathe, Mulder." I sucked in a burning breath and forced my eyes up to hers. "So beautiful, Scully. You're so beautiful you take my breath away sometimes." She smiled wider. "You're overdressed, Mulder." I looked down stupidly at my sweatpants and realized I looked slightly ridiculous with my bone hard dick tenting the front of them. I yanked them down to my knees and fell backwards as I tried to yank them off the bottom of my legs, getting all twisted up. Scully began to giggle. And although it was at my expense, I couldn't help the answering smile that came to my lips. Her laughter was always music to my ears, and she rarely, if ever giggled. I sighed and put my arm on my forehead. "Christ," I uttered. "You'd think I'd never done this before." "Let me help." She slipped off the bed and grasped the end of one leg, lifting and pulling the offending sweat pants over my feet. She repeated the process on the other leg. "Uh, thanks." She grinned and leaned over, hooking her fingers into the waistband of my boxers. I locked my eyes to hers. She teased me. Scully teased me. "Hmm. Guess I ought to see what's in here." "If you like," I responded, playing along. "Hmm, well..." She pulled one side of the elastic down and then the other. I lifted my hips and she gently pulled them down and off my legs. She stood up straight then and looked me over from head to toe. I could feel a burning little path where ever her eyes landed. Her eyes stopped on my crotch and I felt the skin on the head of my cock stretch unbearably under her gaze. "Oh, my, my, my, my, my," she mumbled under her breath. I watched as she got onto all fours and climbed onto the bed. "Move up," she instructed. I hastily moved to position myself straight and in the middle of the bed. She looked like a cat stalking her prey. I was still having a hard time believing this whole thing. I mean, it had been a long time coming. And tonight, we had fumbled through our talk. But when all was said and done, we wanted each other. It was no surprise that I wanted her. She was gorgeous, smart and compassionate. But it was still a total surprise that she wanted me. I didn't expect this to happen so fast. I thought she would want to ease into a physical relationship. I couldn't get over it. I was wondering when the hell I was going to wake up. What happened to her hesitancy? What happened to her fear? It appeared to be gone. I had no idea what I'd said or done to make it disappear, but at this moment, I didn't really care. She simply looked at me a moment longer and then reached out to stroke my shaft with her tiny hand. She gripped me firmly, stroking from base to tip and spreading my precum over the head. I moaned so loud, I'm sure the people in the next room could hear me. I didn't care about that either. I looked down at her and she licked her lips. "Tell me what you want," she said. "Whatever you want. I don't care, Scully, I just want to be with you." "I know you do but if you could have anything, what would you want?" Could I ask? Somehow the words always came out sounding crude. "I want you to ...Oh God, Scully, I can't ASK." "Ask me." She paused. "I'll tell you a secret." I looked at her expectantly. "Being asked turns me on." Her words washed over me. Was she saying she liked to talk dirty? Oh man. No, she just wanted to be asked. She saw my hesitation. I was talking too long. It was hard to concentrate with her little hand squeezing me at the base of my shaft. "Say it, whatever it is, I know the words for most of these things aren't the most subtle or tactful." Was she reading my mind? I gathered my courage. Why was I suddenly the one who was unsure? I looked her in the eyes again and saw her anticipation there. She hummed and bit her lower lip, tugging on me slowly. I gathered my courage and just blurted it out. "Please ... please suck on me." She moaned, just from being asked. Well, that was interesting. Scully liked to be asked. Weird little quirk, but I could grow to like it. Then the rest of the world faded away when I felt her hot, wet mouth slide down over me as she crouched between my legs. Disbelief mingled with joy and jolting arousal as she slid up and down. "Oh yeah, Scully, oh, that's right, just like that, so good, so good." Her head bobbed in a slow rhythm, taking me deep into her mouth and then sucking as she backed up, only to lick the head before descending again. I reached out to touch her hair. She looked up at me but didn't stop. I wasn't going to guide her. I knew women hated that. I just needed to touch her. She started humming a , hmmm, sort of sound that vibrated my cock and made my balls tighten. I was going to lose it in about two seconds. "Scully, stop." She released me with an audible pop. She looked disappointed, like a kid who's had her lollipop taken away and I almost lost it right there. The temptation was great to let her continue until I came in her mouth, but I wanted more tonight. That could come some other time. She was panting. "Come here," I said firmly. She crawled up and straddled my legs, still holding my cock at the base. She tugged and I grunted. "You were blessed, Mulder." I felt one side of my mouth turn up. "You like what you see? Do I measure up?" "More than measure up. I suspected, but ... you're so wide." She tugged and I grunted again. "Glad you like it. Would you like me to put it to use?" "Yes, oh lord, yes." "Climb aboard." She looked at me. "What position do you want?" "Doesn't matter." "But what to you WANT?" Oh boy. She wanted to be asked. Was there a little kernel in Scully that wanted to be taken over, that wanted to be told what to do. Seems so, but I didn't want to push it. "Are you asking what I fantasize about?" "I guess so. In your fantasies, how do you take me?" Take me. Take me. Holy shit. I asked this next question carefully. I was getting impatient for the main event. Talking was nice, but I was getting impatient. "Do you want to be TAKEN, Scully?" Her eyes snapped up to mine. I watched her lids grow heavy. She was starting to pant again, her breathing speeding up. "Is that what you want, Scully?" I rolled onto my knees quickly and grasped her shoulders. I roughly crushed her to my chest, wincing slightly when she bumped my bruise. She gasped and then panted faster and her eyes darted away from mine. Oh God, was this exciting her? She gasped again. I leaned into her ear. "Is that what you like? Do you want me to TAKE you the way I've dreamed, TAKE what I want. Do you want me to take the decision away from you?" Her voice was almost a whimper that sent another bolt of sizzling sensation through my groin. "Yes, just take me, Mulder." I shuddered at her words. "Ahhh, Christ, Scully." I practically threw her down on her back and fell between her open thighs. I braced myself on my elbows and caught her head in my hands. I bent over and kissed her with all the hunger and frustration of waiting so long. I had to be inside her, SOON. "Do you want me to talk?" She nodded in the affirmative, seeming a little embarrassed, but too aroused to care. I lifted one hip and slid a hand between us to brush her folds. I wanted to make sure she was ready. HOLYSHIT! ISSHEEVERREADY! She was soaking wet and swollen. Her nether lips felt like silk and foam. "Ahhh, Scully, oh God, you're so wet." She hissed as I slipped a finger inside. "Yyyeeesss." "Scully, do you have any idea how sexy you are?" She shook her head from side to side. "Now, Mulder, now, please don't tease me." All I could do was groan, pull my arm up and braced myself. Her legs went around my waist and I pushed into her, firmly, and right to the hilt. I shuddered at the sensation of being wrapped in tight, wet silk. She shrieked and I was instantly contrite. "Did I hurt you? Oh God, Scully. I'm sorry, so sorry." She grunted. "Don't move. You didn't hurt me, but it's been so long." I nodded and bent down to kiss her, tenderly this time. Her walls were pulsing around me and the sensations were overwhelming. She was so small and tight, it almost made me want to flinch and retreat. But it felt too good. I could come if I let myself right now. I wanted this to last. I felt her walls ease slightly. She was still incredibly snug. She nodded at me. "Move now." I carefully withdrew leaving the head of my cock inside and pushed into her again. I braced my knees and began snapping my hips, driving my cock into her firmly, over and over again. We both began moaning in tandem. I set a steady rhythm, swiveling my hips until I found the spot that seemed to be exciting her most. I knew this wasn't the greatest position for women, but I was determined that she was going to come before I did. "Scully, you feel so incredibly good." "Mmm, you too. Yeah, keep going, just like that." I was stroking her steady and deep so I kept going ... just like that. We were building slowly and I was surprised to find that I wasn't ready to explode the minute I started moving. But the pace was languid and easy if a little harsh. I pinched one nipple firmly in time with my thrusts. She whimpered and began meeting my thrusts more forcefully and I took it as a hint to speed up. I moved up a little in the cradle of her thighs, forcing her legs higher on my waist. I sank deeper this way. We both groaned and I instantly felt my orgasm start coiling in my balls. I know all the twinges and signs. This was going to be a good one. She began to whimper and scratch my shoulders lightly with her fingernails. Fortunately, she didn't have talons, but she was going to leave marks there. I didn't give a damn. Suddenly, I wanted to mark her too. I leaned down and buried my head into the crook of her shoulder and began sucking and nipping at the base of her throat. She would probably freak if she knew what I was doing. I had to make her come and I didn't think she was quite caught up to me yet, so I reached under the small of her back with one arm and slid my hand over her luscious little ass cheek. She was straining into my thrusts now and grunting with the effort. I loved the sound of it. She practically whimpered, "Pleeaassee, Mulder, oh, please make me come." I carefully slid my middle finger into the crack between her cheeks and pressed lightly on her anus. Her eyes went wide. I growled, "Yes, come for me, beautiful." And I tipped just the end of my finger past her tight ringing muscle. The lowest, longest, sexiest groan I've ever heard peeled out the back of her throat as her head snapped back. Then she hollered my name in a long, drawn out shout as I watched her orgasm flow through her and redden her chest and face. "Mmmuuullldddeeerrr! Ahhhhhh, Ohgod, Ohgod, yeess, yeess, ooohhh soo good, yes!" I'd made her come. I'd really made her come. Maybe there was a God. I kept thrusting as I felt her walls grip and release me over and over again. I followed her over the edge, my body jerking out of control as I slammed into her. "Sccuullyyyyy! Yeah, Yeah, Yeah! Ooowwwyyeeaaahh! I was trembling again as my body vibrated through the end of my orgasm, spilling jet after jet into her warm cavern. Then I felt every muscle in my body go limp. I collapsed on her, trying to keep some of my weight on my elbows but most of it was on her and I couldn't move. She was panting and glassy eyed. I imagined I looked the same. She was a vision. "That was incredible, Scully. So good." My head flopped into the crook of her shoulder. "Mmm," she hummed in contentment. Her voice was a little shaky and made me smile. "I almost forgot what an real orgasm felt like." I smiled now against her neck. "A real orgasm?" "Yeah, you know, one induced by another person, as opposed to induced by my vibrator." I snorted. "Me too, as opposed to one induced by my hand." We both chuckled. I finally found the energy to roll off her and she mewled in protest. "Now I cold!" I lifted the blankets and scooted us underneath them, pulling her into my chest. She curled herself around my left side, leg draped over mine, arm over my stomach and her pretty little head on my shoulder. I sighed in contentment. This was what it was all about. "I'm not going to wake up in a minute, am I, Scully?" She snuggled closer. "Nope. I'm live and in person." I squeezed her to my side. "Let's get some sleep, we need to go buy some camping equipment in the morning?" "Camping?" "Yeah, we're going to have to spend the night up there." "Oh." She started to pull away and I squeezed her tight. "Where are you going?" I mentally kicked myself at the panic in my voice. "I was going to go to the bathroom. And then I was going to go back to my room." She smiled at me. "Stay with me." She frowned a little. "We really shouldn't." "Scully, we just consummated a relationship. We just made love after seven years. I want to hold you tonight. We just broke every rule in the book and you're worried about whether we sleep in separate rooms or not?" "Does sound kind of silly when you put it that way." "Go potty, grab your cell phone in case someone calls and then come back in here." "O.K." She slid out of bed and padded toward the bathroom. "And Scully?" She turned to look at me, wonderfully nude and unashamed. "Hmm?" "If you don't return, I'll just come in there after you." She smirked, shaking her head as if I was an impossible child and disappeared into the bathroom.