From: Michele Connole Date: Sun, 18 Jun 2000 21:36:31 -0700 (PDT) Subject: xfc: Jillian (1/1) Source: xfc TITLE: Jillian RATING: PG13 AUTHOR: maidenjedi ARCHIVE: go for it. i'm not picky. CATEGORY/KEYWORDS: dreamfic, V, SA, B-Comfort and post-Requiem SUMMARY: There was a little redhead in the mist...and he had turned his back to her. SPOILERS: Requiem again. So shoot me! This episode is better fodder than even Pusher! DISCLAIMER: they don't belong to me, isn't that just so sad? they belong to the depths of Chris Carter's imagination, i'm just borrowing them. please don't sue, i'm not making money off of this. AUTHOR'S NOTES: Oh, dear, where to begin. Jillian was the name of a little girl I saw in my own dreams a long time ago, hence the title of this story. I'm loaning her out to Scully, because the source of my dreams is eeriely like something I'm sure Scully once endured, to an extent. This is story can be a follow up to my post-Requiem "One Heartbeat" and "Bitter Pills" but you don't have to read them to understand this at all. As in "White Rabbit", the actual dream is marked with ^^. Thank yous to: David Pickering for his "Dictionary of Superstitions" that gave Byers and Scully something to talk about at the end of this fic. Thank you to Ari and the HOF for issuing such a wonderful challenge. Thank you to all those who gave me feedback for "White Rabbit" and "Bitter Pills", thus encouraging me to continue delving into the minds of our heros. And lastly, thank you to Sarah McLachlan for her "Surfacing" CD. A little of that while I write and I'm inspired for hours! Oh! I forgot: thank you foxsong, for your beautiful story entitled "Perchance to Dream"....you reminded me that the best stories come to us while we sleep...or while they sleep. ~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~~*~*~**~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ "Dreaming the same dream three nights in succession means it will almost certainly come true." -- from "The Dictionary of Superstitions" compiled by David Pickering *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ My mother found a Gideon bible at the hospital, the same day I announced to her that I am pregnant. The Bible was inscribed, in a child's hand, in orange crayon: JILLIAN. She said it had to be a sign. That's when the dreams started. A girl, a small girl, sitting in dream-fog. She has Mulder's eyes, my hair. And her name is Jillian. I stopped sleeping about three days ago, shortly after coming home from the hospital. I just couldn't handle the dreams any longer. Or rather, the dream. In my dream, he came home. He came home unscathed, safe, and perfect. But in each dream, he has forgotten me. He didn't know me. He would walk away in the dream-fog, turning his back on me. "But I'm Scully, Mulder, its Scully!" was my inevitable cry. "Who?" was his inevitable answer. So I gave up on sleep. Not good for the baby, say the doctors and my mother. Yeah, well, so what. Dreams like that aren't good for me. The dream took on a new angle last night, and that's why I'm huddled on Byer's bed, while the guys fawn and fuss over me relentlessly. I was frightened as night came over D.C. and my mother is at Bill's for the week. I have no one to turn to but these three. They understood me, and this fear. During the day its easier to handle Mulder's absence. Its like he's away on business, chasing an X-file. But at night, with these dreams increasing in regularity and with the dark encroaching on my sanity, I nearly lose it. So I'm here, sipping green tea that Frohike dug up, letting them play mother hens to poor wittle Scully. "Guys, I think I want to try and get some sleep." They stop fussing. "Are you sure?" Langly asks. "Yeah." I need to try, right? Its so late, and they have no reason to stay with me. "I'll take the couch." Byers needs his bed, so I start to scramble out of the bed. I don't want to go home just yet, and they know it. No protests from these three, not at the prospect of the lovely Agent sleeping on their couch. "No." Byers has spoken so softly that the other two don't even hear him, they just keep walking out. "You can stay in here. I'll take the couch." "Are you sure?" I don't want to put him out, but I also don't want to move. "Yeah. Get some sleep Scully. I'll be fine." He walks out of the room, but not before giving me a slight, tired smile. A smile I know I myself have adopted in the past month or so. I finish my tea, and put the cup on Byers' nighttable, on top of his copy of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." A bittersweet rush of nostalgia comes over me; its not Byers' copy, but Mulder's, well-worn and oft-read. Like my copy of "The House of Mirth." Mulder always turned his nose to my choice in literature, or so I thought. About two months ago, I caught him reading a paperback of it. He blushed for days after that. I sigh and turn over in the covers, away from the door. Everything leads back to Mulder. I feel myself slip into a fitful sleep. Even sleep leads to Mulder. ^^ Fog. I am walking in fog. I can't see anything around me, except for fog. Fog and more fog. I turn around. I hear her in the distance, giggling.... *jillian?* I call her name out. I know who she is, this little girl. We've met before. And suddenly he's there, in front of me. *mulder, its scully, its me* *who?* He turns and begins to walk away. I give chase, following him and calling his name, and all the while the giggling gets closer. He stops. I stop, watching. There is Jillian, sitting and playing in the fog. She's so beautiful, with long flowing red hair and clear grayish hazel eyes. She's wearing a frilly white dress, complete with white stockings and white Mary Jane's. ~is a dream supposed to be so clear?~ He stoops down, smiling at her. She reaches up and touches his cheeks. He kisses her hand, then stands and looks me in the eye. *mulder...* Mulder, its me. His smile is gone. He turns and leaves us both, sitting in the fog. ^^ When I awaken this time, the dream has left me drenched in sweat and tears. Mulder isn't here to comfort me. No one is here to comfort me. Yet, I feel the arm around me just the same. "Shhh, Scully. You had a nightmare." "Byers?!" "Yeah." He admits this sheepishly. I am entwined in blankets and sheets...he is on top of them next to me, holding me awkwardly. He is wearing plaid pajamas, buttoned to the neck. "What..." "You screamed in your sleep. The guys are still asleep, but I came in to comfort you, make sure you're all right." "Oh." "Is this okay?" He means his arms around me. The guys have been so careful, even Frohike, not to even flirt with me. To Byers, this must seem blasphemous. To them, I am Mulder's, and I am not to be touched. But I don't want to be their icon. Especially right now. "Its okay. I needed it." This is difficult for me to admit, and I know he knows it. It has to be hard for him to be in here at all, let alone hold me. "What happened?" I haven't told them about the dreams, I realize. Same old Scully, hiding her feelings, not telling the whole story. But I need to tell someone, and the protective way Byers is holding me tells me I can trust him with this. "I've been having nightmares." "We figured as much." Same old Byers, I think, as he lets me go and sits up. Good listener, and a good friend. I find the energy and sit up as well, ready to recount the latest dream. "Is it about Mulder?" he asks, as gently as ever. "Yeah," I sigh. "There is this little girl, and I know her name in the dreams. Jillian. She is the same in every dream. They started about the time...about a few weeks..." Byers nods. He knows when I mean. "Anyway, they started with just me in the fog, searching for her and not finding her. But in the last week, there's been more." "Mulder." "Yes. He is always walking away from me, and he doesn't know me. He walks away from me before I ever find Jillian. Last night he walked up to Jillian, and then I woke up. And tonight, there was something new. "Tonight, he found Jillian for me, led me to her. He stopped and she touched him, but when he stood up, he walked away again. I guess that must have been when I screamed. When he....left...." I can't stop the tears these days, and tonight is no different. Byers holds my hand. "Mulder is out there, Scully, and he's gone from us...you...but he's not gone of his own volition." "Y-Yes he is. I didn't stop him. And Jillian, she knows him! Why does she know him? Who is she?" "I think the answer is obvious." Byers squeezes my hand. I immediately think of the Gideon bible Mom found. My other hand flies to my stomach. But I'm too tired to think about it. "I want to try and sleep some more. Maybe the dream is gone for the night." He reaches over and hugs me, tight. "Maybe, maybe I'll dream that Mulder never left at all." He nods. "I'll be here if you need me." He lets me go gently, and goes to sit in the desk chair in the corner. "I've slept on much worse." Its silent for awhile, me assuming he's asleep, him assuming I'm asleep. But I speak anyway. "Byers?" I'm wrong. "Yeah?" "Are you superstitious?" "Sometimes. It depends." "Have you ever heard the superstition that says if you dream the same dream over and over, its bound to come true?" My voice is shaking, and I hope he doesn't hear it. "Scully, I never took you for the superstitious type." This ellicits a small smile from me. "I'm not. But I have to admit, that does worry me a little in this case." I can almost hear the smile in his voice when he answers. "Well, it is more widely believed that if you dream something will happen to you, the exact opposite will happen to you." I nod. This is the one I want to believe, and will, as sleep comes over me and dark wins over light. "Thank you, Byers." When I slip into sleep, he is still watching me. And the dream goes on. ^^ *jillian?* She is sitting in the fog, same as ever in her frilly white dress, in her white Mary Janes. *jillian?* But its not my voice this time. I know that voice. I turn around. *mulder?* But he ignores me and goes to Jillian. He picks her up and then walks over to me. She begins to cry. *mulder, what are you doing?* I'm cemented to my place in the fog as they walk away from me. *mulder!* ^^ ~*~*~**~*~~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~* the end. this fic was inspired by an actual dream that I have had for three years, on and off. The only changes I made were the addition of Scully and Mulder. And I do have a Gideon bible, with the name Jillian written in orange crayon, that was given to me by a Gideon member at a church service shortly before my ex-fiance left for boot camp three years ago. ===== "Ginger had it easy. She had only had to do everything that Fred did, but backwards and in heels."--- anonymous How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac says "Lets just be friends." http://www.geocities.com/texgoddess (the kiosk) Aries: (March 21--April 19) You will lose all credibility when it is revealed that, contrary to your claims, your life is not based on a true story. (from "The Onion")