From: Donna Honeycutt <donnah@pop.uky.edu>
Date: Wed, 14 Nov 2001 16:31:35 -0500
Subject: New Story - Kid Stuff - Facing Reality - part 1
Source: direct

Title - Facing Reality - Part 1
Author - Donna
Email address - donnah@pop.uky.edu
URL - www.geocities.com/Area51/Quadrant/4571/
Rating - R
Category - MSR
Spoilers - None
Keywords - Pre-X-File, MSR
Summary - Sequel to Kid Stuff - Ceremonies
Feedback - Please

Disclaimer - Mulder, Scully, the Lone Gunman and
Skinner all belong to Chris Carter, 10-13 and Fox. No
infringement intended.


Kid Stuff - Facing Reality -  Part 1


Maggie hurried out of the elevator and toward the room
number they had given her.  She spotted Mulder in a
chair beside the bed.  "Fox?  Fox, what happened?"

He looked up and managed to focus on her.  "Mom."

She took the chair beside him.  "Fox?"

"She lost the baby."  His voice sounded dead.

"Oh, Fox. I'm so sorry."  She touched his arm.

He didn't seem to notice.  "They . . . they're doing a D&C
now."

Maggie nodded, tears forming in her eyes.  They sat in
silence for a long moment.

"I should never have taken this case.  I should never
have gone out of town."

"Fox, you can't blame yourself - "

"If I'd been here - "

"No!  Fox, don't do this.  When you lose a baby this early
in the pregnancy, there's something about the baby that
can't live.  There's nothing - "

"I should have been here!  She's my wife, she was
carrying my baby and I'm off hunting down some maniac
that . . . that . . ." He lost it then, burying his face in his
hands.

Her arms went around him, cradling him against her as
she had her own children when they were in pain.  He
sank into her comfort, giving in to his grief.  He couldn't
remember ever being held like this, he had never known
how much he needed it.

After what seemed like a long time, he slowly pulled
away from her.  "Thanks."

"Fox, I love you like one of my own.  I'm always going to
be here for you."

He swallowed and after a moment, nodded.

"I think you should talk to William, too."

He looked quizzically at her.

"I don't know if Dana ever told you, Fox, but I lost a baby
too, between Missy and Dana.  It was a shock; I'd had
two healthy babies.  I love all my children Fox, you know
that, but maybe Dana is a little special to me, because
she's the baby that proved I could have children again.
But William had shipped out, he wasn't there and I know
that devastated him.  It took a long time for him to be able
to talk about it.  He . . . he would understand how you
feel."

He nodded and allowed her to put her arm back around
him.  After a few minutes, he sat up.  "She should be
back by now."

"Why don't you go splash some water on your face?"

He nodded and forced himself to his feet.  He had only
been gone a couple of minutes when the door opened
and they rolled her into her room.  They transferred her to
the bed and the nurse checked her IV, then left.

"Mulder?"  She sounded weak, and . . . and scared.

"He'll be right back, Honey.  Can I get you anything?"

Dana just shook her head and turned away.  Maggie
closed her eyes and leaned back in the chair.  Dana was
dozing already when the door opened again.

"Dana."  He hadn't realized she was back in the room.
He moved quickly to the bed, where he leaned down and
kissed her.

"Mulder."  She opened her eyes and Maggie slipped from
the room.

"How do you feel?"

"Groggy . . . empty."  She looked away and missed the
pain on his face.  "They, uh, Linda said I could go home
in a couple of hours."

"Go home?  Shouldn't you - "

"I want to go home."

"Okay.  Why don't you rest now?"  She nodded and let
her eyes close.  He took her hand and sat beside her.
When Maggie looked in the door, she backed away, tears
in her eyes.

Mulder sat watching her sleep, thinking back to how he
had bungled this whole thing from the beginning.

*****

Several weeks ago:

They had both been working long hours.  Her residency
kept her at the hospital more nights than he wanted to
admit.  Of course he hadn't been the best about being
home for dinner lately either.  He knew profiling was
taking a toll on him.  Some cases were damn hard to
shake off so that he could talk about anything 'normal' in
the evenings.  Patterson was a tough agent and already
Mulder was beginning to chafe under his thumb.  The
other agents thought Patterson could walk on water; he
needed to think about that.

She hadn't been feeling well, but she didn't dwell on it.
She was just working too hard.  Well, he could see that.
But tonight he was home at a reasonable time and she
had promised to be as well.

He could smell something good from the kitchen when he
opened the door.  "Dana?  I'm home."

When she didn't answer he headed into the kitchen to
find her.  She was there, knife in hand where she had
paused in chopping vegetables for the salad, but she was
a million miles away.

"Dana?"

She jumped slightly and turned to him, a faint smile finally
appearing on her face.  "Sorry, I didn't hear you."

"I could tell.  Where were you?"

She shook her head, "We can get into that later.  How
was your day?"

He shrugged, "Patterson rode me all day, mainly
because of a profile I did a year ago - that worked by the
way - but didn't meet his criteria."

"I tell you he's jealous."  She stretched up and kissed
him.

"I wish.  Why don't I take over there?"  He washed his
hands and reached for the knife.

"Thanks."

"You feeling any better?"

She turned away slightly, but it could have been to look
into the refrigerator.  "I'm fine.  It's good not to be on call
for a whole forty-eight hours.  I've practically forgotten
what that feels like."

"Me too."

She looked up at him then, "Mulder, I'm sorry I'm away
so much.  It's - "

"It's not your fault.  We knew it would be tough.  It's just
that with both of us working 24/7 it's gotten a little out of
hand.  And hell, I admit it, when I've been inside some
sicko's head all day; it's probably good you're not here to
put up with me."

The oven timer went off and she moved toward the stove.
"Hope I remembered how to cook."

"You don't like the Chinese food boxes in the frig?"

"It's better than the pizza boxes, they don't take up as
much room."

He couldn't exactly dispute that, so he finished the salad
and carried it to the table.  They were both quiet over the
meal, not uncomfortably so, both apparently talked out
from their days.

When they were finished, he stood and took her plate.
"You cooked, so I guess I get clean up."

"Mulder, wait a minute.  We need to talk, there's
something I need to tell you."

Her tone sent a frisson of fear up his spine and he
lowered the plates back to the table.  "Are you okay?"

She didn't respond, just standing and moving toward the
living room.  He was only a half step behind her.  "Dana?"

She sat in her normal seat and he immediately joined
her.  "Dana, what?"

"I don't know how to tell you this.  I . . . " She looked up
and saw the fear in his eyes.

He took her hand, "Come on, Dana, you're scaring me."

She seemed to shrink just a little, "I . . . I thought it might
be like the other time, I hoped . . . " She took a deep
breath.  "Mulder, I'm pregnant."

He blinked, unable to absorb the words.  She wasn't ill,
this was a good thing, right?

She was watching him; he needed to say something.  "I,
uh, I thought, aren't you on the pill?"

She looked away for a second, "Yes, I am.  And I haven't
missed one.  It just happened."

They were both silent for a moment, "Dana, I'm sorry.
I'm just blown away; uh, this is, this is good.  We wanted
kids."

She sighed, "You don't have to say that.  I know you're
not exactly thrilled."

"That's not it, it's just the timing.  I mean, well now is . . .
it's gonna be rough, rougher."

Her mood seemed to sink even lower, he knew he was
blowing this but damn it, she had caught him completely
off guard.  At least she'd had a little while to absorb it.

"When did you find out?"

"I ran the test at work this morning."  She looked
positively forlorn.

"Dana, hold it, back up.  Let's start this whole
conversation over.  We're going to have a baby.  You and
me.  Together."  A small smile did play on his lips then as
she watched.  "I need a promise."

"A promise?"

"Yes.  She has to look just like you."

"She?"

"Oh yeah.  I know about boys, I was one.  We want girls.
Little red-headed ones with blue eyes."

He saw the tears form in her eyes and pulled her on his
lap, rocking her, holding her, loving her.

*****

As he held her close that night, he kissed her ear.
"Dana, I'm sorry I was such a shit earlier tonight."

"What?"

"When you first told me.  I should have swept you into my
arms and kissed you until you couldn't breathe."

She shook her head; "You handled it a lot better than I
did.  Mulder, this is going to be so hard.  I want it, you
know that, but why now?"

He had no answer; the same question had been playing
in his mind since he had recovered enough sense to
think.  It couldn't be a worse time for her to get pregnant.
Both of their careers were at the starting gate, this was
when they had to prove themselves to their colleagues.
Even before they were married would have been better,
to be honest.  Then she could have postponed her
residency.  Okay, that wasn't exactly fair, but . . . the
burden was going to fall on her 95%, no be realistic,
more like 110%.  She had to carry it; he couldn't help
there at all.

"Dana," his arms around her tightened, "can you do this?
I mean physically?  You're working harder than I am right
now.  I've known for weeks you weren't feeling well, but I
didn't . . . this didn't cross my mind."

"This?  It's a pregnancy Mulder."  She knew before the
words were finished that she'd said the wrong thing.  This
wasn't his fault any more than it was hers.

"I know that Dana."

"I'm sorry.  I guess I'm a little more shaken than I
realized.  I'm fine Mulder, go on to sleep.  I know you're
tired."

He kept quiet at that.  Sleep?  Yeah, sure.  He didn't
have a clue what to do to help her.  He wasn't even sure
she wanted his help at this point.  She turned,
disengaging herself from his arms and making herself
more comfortable on her own side of the bed instead of
in the middle where they normally met.  He didn't know
whether to be hurt or angry, decided neither would do
much good and after a moment rolled over himself.

It was a long night, with neither getting very much sleep.
Morning didn't bring any enlightenment.  He rose first and
put the coffee on, then took his shower.

She was in the kitchen when he came in dressed, but the
coffee hadn't been touched.  "Don't you want any?"  He
poured himself a cup and motioned with the pot in her
direction.

"I have to have decaf now."

"Oh."  He didn't know what else to say.   There was a hell
of a lot he didn't know, and right now she didn't look
much like she wanted to tutor him.  "Are you feeling
okay?  I mean, morning sickness or anything?"

She tried to hide the slight shudder that went through her,
but wasn't completely successful.  He started toward her,
but she pulled back.  He stopped immediately, totally
unsure of himself.

"Dana, why don't I call in sick today.  We could - "

"No.  You don't need to miss work.  I'll just hang around,
try to catch up on the laundry."

"Don't do that.  Why don't you just rest?  I can do the
laundry tonight.  I'm pretty sure it's my turn anyway.  Just
. . . just look after yourself today."

She nodded.  "Yeah, maybe I will.  Have a good day,
don't let Patterson get you down."

"Yeah, okay.  Will you call me if you need anything?"

"What?"

"I . . . I don't know.  Look, I'll bring dinner home tonight.
What would you like?"

She looked away and shook her head.  "Whatever you
feel like.  I can't decide that right now."

He nodded, at a loss again.  Could he do anything right?
He kissed her, on the cheek as she turned her head, and
after a second moved toward the door.  "Promise me
you'll take it easy.  Go on back to bed, Dana.  Don't worry
about any housework or anything.  If you need
something, call me and I'll pick it up on the way home."

"Thanks.  See you later."  She didn't move toward the
door, just stood in the kitchen looking a little lost.  Maybe
he should call in, but . . . but she didn't seem to want him
here.

Things weren't a whole lot better that evening when he
got home.  He was later than he wanted to be, but he'd
picked up Thai for her and a pound of decaf coffee.  Thai
wasn't his favorite, but she usually liked it.

She seemed a little rested and she had done the laundry
and dusted and everything he hadn't wanted her to worry
about.  She only picked at the food and when he tried to
coax her to eat more just shook her head.

"Dana, do you want to do something tonight?  We haven't
been to a movie in ages.  We could - "

"No, I really don't want to go out.  I know you're tired too
Mulder.  I can see it.  Did you get any sleep last night?"

"Not much.  My mind was fully engaged."

"Mulder, I can't have an abortion.  I just - "

His eyes widened in horror.  "Dana, No!  I would never,
no!  You don't think that's what I want, do you?"

"No, I don't know.  This is supposed to be a wonderful
thing and we're both . . . Mulder, we're devastated.  I feel
guilty and - "

"And you don't feel good.  Dana, I'm not devastated, I
was shocked last night, yes.  And I know what a burden
this is putting on you.  That's my biggest concern.  Just
how much help can I be?  I'm way outside my learning
curve here, Dr. Mulder.  I didn't even think about the
decaf this morning or, or a thousand other things I should
know.  I'm worried about you."

"Mulder, really, I'm - "

"Fine?"  He smiled at her.  "I'm beginning to hate that
phrase.  Have you told your parents?"

She shook her head.  "I wanted to get my act together
before I did that.  If she had seen me yesterday, Mom
would have wanted to have me committed.  A good
Catholic girl isn't supposed to react like I have."

"Well I can't speak for the Catholic part, but I think you're
reacting the way any overwhelmed woman would.
Maybe we're not dancing in the streets right now, but I've
always wanted to have children with you.  I did when I
was 18 and saw you with your cousins."  His face froze
for a minute, "Do twins run in your family?"

"Oh yeah, you're not devastated.  No, twins run on my
aunt's side."

He had to chuckle then, "Okay, so maybe I am more than
a little overwhelmed.  Geez, Dana, it's just so
unexpected.  But I love you and I love her."

"You know we can't send it back if it's a boy."

"You're sure?"

She swiped at his arm and for the first time since the day
before, relaxed into his embrace.  He closed his eyes in
relief.

*****

Her shift had started before he got home the next night,
and the emptiness of the apartment seemed worse than
usual.  He wanted her to take it easy, but that was
impossible unless she decided to take another year or
more to complete her schooling.  That would be fine with
him, but he knew she would fight it, wanting to stay at
work probably until she went into labor.

Labor - good god.  What if he fainted or . . . he shook
himself, this was certainly counterproductive.  Move on,
he'd brought enough work home to keep him busy.

*****

He pulled up in front of her parent's house.  He was
running late, no surprise.  He jumped out and hurried to
the front door and let himself in.  He was family now and
he couldn't help but smile again at that fact.

"Anyone here?"

"We're in the kitchen."  He heard Dana's voice and his
smile dimmed a little.  She was working too hard; maybe
after tonight her mother could help talk her into taking it a
little easier.

"Hi."  He joined them, giving Dana a kiss, "Sorry I'm late."

"Work?"  Dana looked up at him.  She'd put on her
makeup carefully, the circles under her eyes were
completely gone and he knew it wasn't from rest.

"Yeah, we caught a break in the case."

"We or you?"  She asked.

"Well, I picked up on something Patterson missed."

"Did you say anything?"

"I didn't have to."  He grinned widely and she shook her
head.  "Hey, I was very politically correct."

She rolled her eyes as he moved on to his mother-in-law
and kissed her cheek.  "Smells wonderful as usual.
Forgive me for holding things up?"

"You didn't hold us up.  The rolls are browning as we
speak.  Call William down and we'll start."

He glanced over at Dana; obviously she had waited for
him to make the announcement.  He brushed another
kiss on her forehead and headed for the stairs to call his
father-in-law down.

William came at Mulder's call and clapped him on the
back.  "Thought I heard you come in.  Glad we could find
a night you were both available."

"Tell me about it.  I have to keep her picture on my desk
to remember what she looks like.  She doesn't have a
desk, so I think I surprise her whenever she sees me."

"It's not that bad, obviously."  She glanced up at him and
he grinned down at her.

"Well go ahead and explain that."  He teased.

"Explain what?"  Maggie set the basket of rolls on the
table.

Dana reached for Mulder's hand, "Well," she took a deep
breath.  "Mulder and I are going to have a baby."

It took about a heartbeat and a half for it to sink in; then
the happiest smile he had ever seen took over his
mother-in-law's face.

"Dana!  Oh Fox, I'm so happy for you!"  She threw her
arms around her daughter and Mulder had to chuckle.

This was the way it should have been when she told him.
But at least now they were getting used to the idea.  They
still had no logistics figured out, but Maggie's obvious
delight was contagious.

William shook Mulder's hand and hugged his daughter,
though he seemed at a loss for words.

They took their seats, but Maggie had taken over the
conversation and was firing questions at Dana left and
right.  Yes, she'd had Linda check her out; no, no
ultrasound yet, in a few weeks; no, only Linda knew at
work.  Yes, she was feeling fine.

Mulder snorted at that last one, and Maggie looked over
at him.  "Dana?  Have you had morning sickness?"

Dana glared over at Mulder and decided not to kick him,
then looked back at her mother.  "I just can't understand
why it's called morning sickness, when I feel like this all
day."

Maggie looked at her sympathetically.  "I can tell you it
will get better."

Dana nodded, but made no comment.  Dinner seemed to
rush by, and though he noted she ate almost nothing, he
didn't comment in front of her parents.  After the meal
when Dana and Maggie disappeared into the kitchen with
the plates, over his protests, he looked over at his father-
in-law.

"This was a surprise, wasn't it Fox?"

"A huge one."  Mulder admitted.

"Is she okay?  Are you?"

"Well I no longer have to hold onto the walls to walk, but
yeah, I'm still reeling a little.  I don't know about her.
She's working too hard and she doesn't feel good.  But I
don't seem to have any control over either thing."

Bill smiled at him, "Get used to it son."

"I need to get her home, she could sleep the clock
around if she had the opportunity.  I wish we hadn't come
in two cars."

"Yeah, you look after her, as much as she'll let you."

Mulder nodded and headed into the kitchen.  "Enough,
ladies.  You can talk later.  I need to get my wife to bed."

"Mulder, I'm fine."  He just looked at her until her eyes
dropped and the color grew on her face.

"He has a point, Sweetie.  Go home and get some rest
while you can.  Call me when you get a break.  Fox,
you're welcome for leftovers tomorrow."

"Sorry, I have to fly to Denver in the morning."

Dana's head flew up.  "Denver?"

"Yeah, I told you we got a break.  We have to check it
out."  He sobered then, "You'll be okay, won't you?"

"Of course I will.  Don't be silly."

Mulder looked over at Maggie, "She will be fine, Fox.
Dana, you're welcome to stay here while he's out of
town."

"Mom, thanks, that's not necessary.  I can stay at the
hospital in the resident's quarters if it's late, and it will be.
Don't worry."

"Remind me you said that in a few years."  Maggie
chided, but didn't press.

Mulder followed her home and after she got ready for
bed, she sat on its edge as he packed a quick bag.
"What time is your fight?"

"Six.  I'll be real quiet when I leave."  He moved the
suitcase and joined her on the bed.  "Do you want me to
get out of this?  I could - "

"Of course not.  This is your job and besting Patterson is
doing you a world of good ego-wise.  I'm not sure
professionally."

He grinned, "It has been interesting.  I just try to keep my
head down and do the work.  I hate being away from you,
especially now."

"We'd be apart anyway.  I've got a long shift coming up.
Call and leave a message so that I know you got there
safe.  Okay?"

He nodded, looking deep into her eyes.  "Dana, other
than fine, how do you really feel?"

She sighed, "Tired, there's a constant nausea that
crackers and all those other remedies won't touch.  But
it's normal and it should pass soon."

Well that was more than he'd gotten lately.  He pulled her
down on the bed and cuddled her next to him.  "Your
mother could have touched the moon tonight."

She grinned and nodded.  "A good Catholic grandmother,
all the way.  And it is their first grandchild."

He pulled her closer and lay there as she fell asleep on
his chest.  He didn't sleep for a long time.

*****

The next week was grueling.  He'd only had to be in
Denver for two nights.  When he'd gotten home, her
appearance had honestly frightened him and he'd
threatened to call her mother immediately.  She had
assured him that Linda was keeping an eye on her and
allowed him to pamper her a little.  But then the trip to St.
Louis had been thrown at him.  They were close on this
guy, damn close, and they couldn't let him go
underground again.

She said nothing, but he could feel her reluctance to see
him leave again.  "Talk to me Dana.  Please."

"There's nothing to say.  You have to go, you have to
catch this guy.  Just call me and let me know when you'll
be home as soon as you know.  I'll check the messages
and come home when you do."

"Do you get any rest when you stay at the hospital?"

"Some.  It's not a good as here, but by the time my shift
ends, I'm not always safe on the roads.  It's better to just
crash there."  She looked up at him.  "Don't say it.  Just
don't say it."

He sighed and held her close.  He couldn't ignore the
uneasiness when he left the next morning.  On the plane
with Patterson riding them all, he managed to shove it
aside and when they landed they jumped into action so
quickly, he didn't have time to call and let her know he
had arrived.  That was a first for him, but the action was
intense.

They finally took the fugitive into custody at 4 a.m. the
next day and the questioning went on for hours.  Mulder
fell into bed around 2 p.m.  He was roused a couple of
hours later for even more questioning.  He was so
absorbed in the case that it wasn't until they took a break
around six that evening that he realized he hadn't called
Dana at all.

Appalled, he found a phone and left her a quick
message.  There had been no answer as usual.  Well,
that meant she was working, but the guilt didn't go away
completely.  He left a message that he would try back
again before bedtime.

He'd been gone four days by the time he made it home.
She was there, but sound asleep when he let himself in.
He knew it was partly imagination, but she seemed to
have lost weight and was pale just lying there against the
pillow.

He eased himself into the bed and took her in his arms.
She didn't wake, but seemed to relax into him.  He felt a
moment of relief and closed his own eyes.

He wasn't sure what woke him, but she wasn't in the bed.
Where . . .?  "Mulder!"

All trace of sleep was gone with her cry and he leapt from
the bed moving toward the sound.  She was standing in
the bathroom, blood soaking through her nightgown.

"Mulder."

"It's okay.  It's going to be okay."  He was already pulling
on his slacks from the night before.  He snagged some
towels and wrapped her robe around her, then lifted her
into his arms.  "Just relax, Dana.  I'm going to take you to
the emergency room.  You just try to stay calm."

He'd gone into agent mode in order to retain his sanity.
God, it looked like she was bleeding to death.  The baby.

He settled her gently in the backseat of the car and
scrambled into the front.  "Dana?  Dana can you hear
me?"  He was already pulling out, there was little traffic at
this hour.

"Mulder, I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry."  She was crying and he
wanted to hold her, but he had to get her help.

"Shh, just relax.  We'll be there in just a couple of
minutes.  Hold on Dana.  Please."

"Oh my god."  She sobbed then.  He didn't understand
the significance of that until later.  He just knew he had to
get her help.

They recognized her as he carried her into the ER and
led him immediately to a trauma room.  Then one of the
nurses was gently pushing him out of the room.

"No, I have to stay."

"Mr. Mulder, let the doctor examine her.  You need to
wait right here."

"She's my wife!"

"Just give the doctor a couple of minutes with her.  Is
there anyone you need to call?"

He blinked at that, yeah.  Mom, he needed to get Mom
here.

*****

They were home.  He opened the door and let her in.
They were both quiet.  She still felt spacey from the
medicine and he didn't know what to say.  He tried to
lead her to the bedroom, but she stopped.  "I want to be
up for a little while, Mulder."

"Okay."  He seated her on the couch.  "Can I get you
anything?"  She shook her head.  "How about some tea?"

"Sure, fine."  She watched him walk toward the kitchen.
Part of her wanted to call him back, just sit with him, but
he needed to be doing something and she felt too weird
to think clearly.

When he returned, he handed her the tea and sat beside
her on the couch.

"Thanks."  She took a couple of sips then put the cup on
the table.  "Maybe I should lie down."

He was on his feet instantly.  "Are you okay?"

She made some movement with her hand and stood.  He
put his arm around her, but it felt awkward.  He helped
her get settled in the bed and brushed the hair from her
forehead.  "Sleep, Dana.  I'll, uh, I'll straighten up and join
you."

"I know it's early.  You don't have to - "

"I'll take a quick shower, then I'll be here."

She nodded silently, afraid suddenly that her voice would
break.  She reached for him as he moved away from the
bed, but he didn't see it and she pulled back immediately.
He didn't quite close the door; so that he could still hear
her if she needed him, then walked with a heavy tread to
the bathroom.

He turned on the water and stood, oblivious to it until the
steam hit his face.  He stripped and stepped in.  As the
heat relaxed his tense frame, he felt himself losing
control and realized he was crying.  Before he knew it, he
was sobbing uncontrollably.  It wasn't until the water
turned cool that he forced some composure back.

He dried off quickly and hurried to check on her.  She
was sound asleep.  He carefully got in the bed beside her
and lay watching her.  He wasn't even sure how to feel.
He hadn't been as supportive as he should have been
when he found out about the pregnancy, but it wasn't
because he didn't want it.  Did she understand that?  It
was the timing.  She still had her residency to finish and
this had been too much for her.  But she had convinced
him that she . . . God, how had this happened?  Why
hadn't he kept a closer eye on her?  Because he'd gotten
involved, intrigued by the case.  He had allowed a case
to come before her.

Was he his father?

*****

She had gone back to work after three days.  He had
stayed home with her during that time despite her
protests that he had work to do.  The sight of her in the
bathroom, with all of that blood had not left his mind.
Even in sleep, thoughts of being away from her terrified
him.

He had heard what Mom had said, but if he had been
here . . .

Without her at the apartment, he began spending more
and more time at the office himself.   The problem was,
he didn't want to spend any more time than he had to
with Patterson or his disciples.

Fortunately, Patterson didn't seem to want to spend that
much time with him either and kept sending him on grunt
errands.  It was on one such errand to the basement that
he ran into a store of files that caught his attention.

It was a garbage dump, but some of the case files were
fascinating.  After checking a few out he realized these
were files that the FBI hadn't wanted to investigate - alien
abductions, psychic phenomena, paranormal
happenings.  He wanted to laugh, at first.

After a few times down there, he began finding excuses
for going.  There was a room nearby, unused and dusty.
He began using his time cleaning the spare room.  He
moved a desk in and then the file drawers with the files.
He began refiling the folders in a more cohesive order
and read each one.  They were becoming more
fascinating each day.

It was also becoming obvious that the Bureau hadn't tried
very hard to solve any of these cases.  They had been
shelved; placed in the basement and forgotten.

He had almost gotten used to what he was reading,
researching new phenomena each day.  Then he found
it.  He was knocked for a loop.  Samantha's file.

He didn't go home for two days.  He didn't report to
Patterson either; he just sat in his new 'office' and stared
at the information.  He read it over and over.  With his
memory it hadn't been necessary, but he couldn't stop.

He had left a voice mail for Dana, but hadn't actually
talked to her.  He couldn't, he couldn't talk to anyone.
Why the hell was Samantha's file down here in the
garbage?  Was this the way they had treated the case
from the beginning?  Had they bungled the entire
investigation?  Shit, what had they done?

He felt as though he were alternately freezing and
running a fever.  There was no one to confront, not yet.
When he finally emerged from the room, he carried the
file with him.  It would not be relegated to a trash pile
ever again.

Dana wasn't at home when he finally arrived.  It was just
as well; even now he couldn't talk about this.

*****

Kid Stuff - Facing Reality - Part 2


She knew something was bothering him but he didn't
want to talk about it.  She couldn't help it, she felt shut
out.  He had always discussed his work with her; it had
seemed to help him in dealing with Patterson.  Now she
felt apart from him.

The problem was, she just didn't have the energy to
pursue it.  Since the miscarriage she had held on, but
barely.  These days she was more likely to be asleep
when he got home than he was.  It had been months
since she had beaten him home but in the last couple of
weeks . . . She felt depression creep up on her again.

She wondered briefly if his arms around her would help,
but she was too tired to care.  She was always too tired
now.

He was up and gone before she woke the next morning.
It looked as though he had come home, but he may have
slept on the couch.  She couldn't tell, but she didn't
remember feeling him in the night.

When she got home that night, he wasn't there, but her
mother was.  "Mom?  Did we . . . I'm sorry, did we have a
date tonight?"

"No.  Your father had a meeting and, when I called, Fox
said he had to work late, so I thought we could have
dinner."

"Mulder's working late?"

"That's what he said.  Didn't you know?"

"I haven't seen him lately."

"Dana, are you . . . I was going to ask if you were okay,
but I can see that you aren't.  Honey, I know this has
been hard.  Losing a - "

"Mom, please.  I don't want to talk about it."

"But you should.  Dana, you can't hold something like this
in.  Have you and Fox - "

"Mulder hasn't been home a lot."

Maggie blinked at that.  "The two of you need each other.
Dana, you need to lean on him and . . . " Dana turned
away from her and Maggie's fear rose.

"Dana, talk to me."

When she turned back, her eyes glistened but no tears
had fallen.  "I don't know what you want me to say.
Mulder . . . I think he's relieved that I lost the baby."

"Dana!  You don't believe that."

She nodded dismally, "He doesn't talk about it.  He . . .
he never even cried."

"Never even . . . oh Dana.  That's not true.  I was with
him when you were having the D&C.  He was utterly
destroyed.  He fell apart.  Your father doesn't cry, I've
gotten used to that and I worry about it, he holds too
much in, but it's what I'm used to.  When Fox . . . I was
actually frightened for him.  I guess I shouldn't be
surprised he didn't let you see him like that.  He felt he
needed to be strong for you, but Dana, don't for an
instant think that he wasn't completely devastated by
what happened."

*****

He headed downstairs, glad for the break.  Besides, it
would ruin his career to actually punch Patterson.  He
was surprised to find the door to his new 'office'
unlocked.  He opened it and found a woman standing at
the files, looking through one of the drawers.

"Excuse me?"

She turned then, "Oh, hello.  Are you the one collecting
these files?"

"Yes, is there a problem?"

"No, I'm grateful."

Grateful?  Who was she?  As though she sensed the
question, she dusted her hands off and extended her
right to shake.  "I'm Diana Fowley."

He nodded, "Fox Mulder."

She smiled, "Glad to meet you.  How long have you been
checking on this stuff?"

"The X-Files?  A few weeks."

"X-Files, I like it."

"What did you call them?"

She chuckled, "Mostly the trash."

He grinned then, "It fits."

"You've got a better filing system."  She gestured at the
drawer and he moved closer to see which file she was
reading.

He remembered the case and they began talking.

*****

"Dana?"  He'd flipped on the light, not expecting to find
her home.  She was in her nightgown, but lying on top of
the covers.  She'd obviously fallen asleep waiting for him.

"What time is it?"

"Almost one.  I didn't think you were going to be here
tonight."

"I was going to surprise you."  After talking to Mom she'd
felt a little calmer, and Mom had been right, they needed
some time - together.

He looked stricken, "Dana, I'm sorry."

"You didn't know.  You're keeping some pretty late
hours."

"Yeah, well it does get kind of lonely here at night, so I've
been reading those old files I mentioned.   I've been
refiling them, making some sense of the system."  His
eyes were gleaming.  She felt an instant of jealousy - he
usually looked at her like that.  "Anyway, today I met
another agent who was familiar with the files and we got
to talking over some of the cases.  Time just got away
from me.  I'm really sorry."

"Mulder, it's okay.  I got a nap.  Who's this agent that
knows about these old cases?"

"Oh, Diana Fowley.  She's got some real off the wall
ideas about some of the stuff we've read."

"Diana?"

"Yeah, she's been with the Bureau a few years.  I
remember hearing her name.  She works in domestic
terrorism."

She nodded, her throat constricted for some reason.

He sat beside her on the bed and gave her a kiss.  "I'm
sorry I wasn't here."

"It's okay.  You're here now."  She let one of her fingers
trace a button on his shirt.  Her other hand moved father
south.

He took that hand in his own.  "Dana, what are you
doing?"

"I miss you."

"Sweetheart, I miss you too, but we can't, not yet.  Linda
hasn't given us the all clear."

"Mulder, I'm a doctor too."

"No, Dana.  This is too important.  I'm not willing to risk
hurting you."

"Mulder, you wouldn't - "

He kissed her, thoroughly, then moved away from her in
the bed.  "I need a shower.  I'll be right back to hold you
all night."

She smiled sadly and even that slipped away when he
left the room.  He'd been that caught up in talking to this
other woman?  No, other agent, don't get paranoid.  But
she realized, it didn't go away completely.

*****

She got home to find him already there.  That surprised
her, she'd hoped to freshen up a little, but she was more
pleased that he was here.  She headed into the bedroom
and stopped, stunned, when she saw him packing.

"Mulder?"

"Dana, hi.  I'm glad you got home before I had to leave."

"Leave?  I . . . I thought you'd caught the guy."

"What?  Oh, oh yeah we got him.  This is a new case,
kind of a reward.  I got the go ahead to investigate one of
those X-Files I was telling you about."  She didn't speak;
he hadn't been talking to her about any 'X-File'.  He was
facing the drawers and didn't see her expression.  "It
might not come to anything, but Diana liked my theory, so
we're going to look over the scene."

"Diana's going?"

"Yeah, she's between cases too and she's really
interested in the X-Files, so we thought why not."

Dana swallowed hard, "How . . . how long to do you think
you'll be gone?"

"A couple of days, not more than three I'm sure."  At her
silence he looked up, "You'll be okay, won't you?"

"Sure."  She sounded short, clipped even to herself, but
he didn't seem to notice.

He smiled at her.  "I'll leave a message on the machine
when I get in.  I'm sorry to rush, but we have to make the
plane.  I love you."  He kissed her and she followed him
to the door.

"Mulder?"

"Yeah?"  He looked down at his watch.

"Nothing.  Be careful."

"Always.  I'll call you."  He kissed her again and was
gone.

*****

He let himself into the apartment.  He was tired but it was
a good tired.  He was even frustrated, but he and Diana
had seen what they'd needed to for their first X-File
investigation.  The first of many, he hoped.  He dropped
his keys on the table and looked around.  Dana wasn't
home but that didn't surprise him.

He'd call over to the hospital and let her know he had
gotten back earlier than he expected.  Maybe he could
head over there and have break with her.  He had missed
her and it felt like forever since they had spent any time
together.

He punched in the number for the resident's quarters.
"Hello?"

"Hi, this is Fox Mulder, I'm looking for my wife."

"Dana?  She's not here.  Mulder?  This is Cliff.  Dana
took off a couple of days.  I thought she said the two of
you were going out of town or something.  I must have
misunderstood."

"Uh, yeah, I just got back in from a case.  Well, thanks I'll
track her down."  He hung up, confused.  Why had she
told Cliff she was going out of town with him?  He picked
the receiver back up and dialed Mom's.  She'd know
what was going on.

"Hello?"

Mulder hesitated just an instant.  It wasn't a voice he had
expected to hear.  "Bill?  Is that you?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"It's Mulder, is - "

"Mulder, you SOB!  What shitty kind of husband do you
think you are anyway?"

Mulder froze, stunned at the attack.  When he got his
voice back, "Bill?  What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about my sister and how you're treating her.  I
ought to come over there right now and beat some sense
into you."

"What the hell are you - "

"She's working like a dog, she's depressed, she's ill and
you go out of town with another woman just when she's
finally gotten some time off to spend with you.  You're a
real piece of work."

"Ill?"  He was still having trouble speaking and Bill had
laid too many things on him at once.

"Hell yes!  She hasn't recovered from the miscarriage.
Do you not even know that?  No wonder she's so
depressed, with you as a husband."

Mulder actually staggered at those words and then sank
down onto the couch.  "She, Dana said that to you?"

"Not directly.  I heard her crying to Mom."

"She was crying?  Bill, where is she?"

"I don't know that she wants to see you."

"Damn it Bill, where is she!  Where's my wife!"  He
couldn't shake the cold tendrils closing around his heart.
Bill had hit him at his most vulnerable spot.  He had
forgotten how scared he could be, having guns pointed at
him were nothing compared to this.

Maybe Bill heard that, anyway he relented slightly.
"When you had to go out of town she came over here.
She and Mom went to Connecticut to see some friends."

"You said she was ill."  His voice shook on that last word.

"She's not recovering.  Mom thinks she's working too
hard.  She needed you this weekend.  Who the hell is this
woman you went out of town with?"

"It wasn't a woman, well yes, but she's an agent.   We
were investigating a case, I wasn't out of town with a
woman!"

"Yeah, right, whatever.  You weren't with her after she
went to the trouble to get the time off."

"I didn't know!  I didn't - hell why am I talking to you?
How do I reach Dana?"   His anger was surfacing finally,
the fear slipping a little to the side.

"You can't, they're already on their way back.  They
should be here in a couple of hours.  If she wants to see
you, she'll come home then."  And Bill hung up the
phone.

Mulder sat there, unable to move.  He couldn't even hang
up the phone.   She was ill, she wasn't recovering?  This
was what had happened when she'd lost the baby - he'd
gone off on a case and . . . He was his father.  He'd
never felt so cold.

When she wasn't home four hours later, he felt
something break inside of him.  In his pain, it never
crossed his mind that Bill had been lying to him.  She
hadn't wanted to see him, hadn't wanted to come home.

He was sitting in the dark when she opened the door.
She didn't see him, setting her bag just inside the door,
then turning to close it and flip on the light.  When she
turned back, she nearly gasped.

"Mulder?"

He didn't even turn his head.

"Mulder?  Are you okay?  What are you doing here?"
She came around the couch then and her hand came up
to touch his forehead.

He pulled back slightly and she let her hand drop back to
her side.

"What are you doing back so early?  I thought - "

"I wasn't sure you were coming home."

"Not coming . . . Mulder, are you okay?  Were you
injured, what's wrong?"  Her voice was rising with fear at
his continued silence and distance.

"Why didn't you tell me you had time off?"

She blinked at that and sank down onto the couch beside
him.  "I . . . you were already packed and late for your
plane."

"Dana, why?"

She seemed to get smaller, "I wasn't sure you wanted to
be with me.  You were so excited about . . . "  She
stopped when he closed his eyes.

"Mulder, I'm sorry."

His eyes flew open instantly.  "No.  Don't you apologize.
You did nothing wrong, it was me.  If I had known . . . "

"Mulder, if I had said something, would you have
stayed?"

"Oh god.  Don't you know I . . . Dana."  The tears in her
eyes frightened him more than he could say.

She moved even closer then and took him into her arms.
"Mulder, I should have spoken up.  This is not your fault,
we just didn't communicate."

His face was buried in her hair, "Why now?  Why did you
take the time now?"

She burrowed into him, "Linda gave me the green light
and I . . . "

He groaned then and his arms tightened around her.

"We still have tonight."

"Do you still want me?"

She locked eyes with him then.  "Yes."

He nestled her against him.  "Why?"

"Because you're Fox Mulder and you're my husband."

"Dana - "

"Mulder, you'll need to be gentle."

He nodded.

*****

Her new rotation began and with it, even longer hours.
She had fallen slightly behind and worked hard to catch
up.    He understood and tried his best to be supportive.
He tried to avoid the truly nasty cases, they kept him from
her emotionally as well has physically and that wasn't
what he wanted.

He even avoided the old files in the basement for a long
time, and he didn't contact Diana.  When Patterson
assigned him to a serial killer, who enjoyed rape and
mutilation, he wanted to refuse.  This was just the kind of
case that shut him down to polite society, but Patterson
didn't care about that.  The man had no family, no life
outside of the Bureau and he didn't expect the agents
under him to have them either.

He rode Mulder especially hard.  This was an important
case and women were dying.  The entire northwestern
United States was in near panic and the FBI was under
intense scrutiny.

When he was sent out of town, he went reluctantly.  They
hadn't been separated since that horrible weekend.  That
wasn't strictly true, she'd spent overnights at the hospital,
but he had always remained where she could reach him
and she had begun calling him on her break, just to say
hi.

This trip, this case was tough.  She understood, but he
still fought it.  He would do better staying where he could
come home to her, touch her.  Patterson didn't
understand that, wouldn't even listen.

So he was on this plane to Washington State.

She was planning to stay at the hospital.  Without him at
the apartment, it really wasn't worth the drive home if she
would only have a few hours.  She lived in scrubs now
anyway and the showers at the hospital had more hot
water than at home.

She was in the resident's lounge, nursing a cup of coffee
when the doctor heading her residency entered.  "Dr.
Scully?"

She started to rise, "Dr. Waterston?"

"Sit, sit.  May I?"  He pointed toward the coffeepot.  She
nodded and sat back in her chair.  He poured himself a
cup and took the seat beside her.

"Dr. Waterston, I got to observe the surgery you did this
morning.  I was overwhelmed."

He smiled gently; "I could say the same about you Dr.
Scully.  I've been following your work and I'm very
impressed.  Have you decided on a specialty yet?"

"Uh, no sir.  I'm only half way through my rotations.
There are several areas that I'm interested in that I
haven't gotten a chance to explore in depth."

"What areas would those be?"  He leaned back, watching
her closely.

"Neurology and pathology."

He smiled slightly, "Not gynecology or pediatrics?"

"No sir.  Are those the areas to which you normally steer
the female students?"

He actually laughed then, "I'd heard you didn't pull any
punches Dr. Scully.  No, I tend to steer students where
their talents lie.  I'd like to see you take an interest in
cardiology.  What I've seen so far has pleased me.  I'd
like to work with you.  I know you have to continue your
rotations, but I see that you stay here at the hospital most
nights.  If you're not adverse to it, I could give you a little
extra mentoring.  I think you could eventually be quite an
asset to the field."

She blinked at him, her surprise holding her silent for an
instant.  "That, I'd been honored."

He smiled again and rose from the table.  "Fine.  I'll
check your schedule and see when I can fit some time
in."  He turned away from her then and let himself out of
the lounge.  She sank back into her chair.  Wait until
Mulder heard about this.

It was late when he called, but she had hung by the
phone, too jazzed by her encounter with such a leader in
the field to rest.

"Mulder?"

"Hi.  Still at the hospital I see."

"Yes, and Mulder, the most extraordinary thing happened
today.  The head of cardiology approached me and
offered, offered, to mentor me.  Can you believe it?"

"Without any problem.  Scully, don't you know how good
you are?"

She laughed a little then.  "I wish you were here, we
could celebrate."

"I wish I was there too."

She finally heard his tone of voice.  "How's it going?"

She could hear his hesitation.  "This is one very nasty
dude."

"Are you getting inside him?"

He laughed harshly, "Yeah.  I hope you let me come
home."

"Always.  I wish I could help."

"Just hearing your voice helps.  It's the only good thing
that's happened to me all day.  Listen, I need to get back.
If Patterson finds out I've taken time out from the horror
to try to get some perspective he'll have me scrubbing
toilets to get back in the mood."

"That bad?"

"Nearly.  Go back to work Dana.  I'll call tomorrow."

"I should be at the house.  I'm supposed to have twenty-
four hours off."

"Damn."

"I promise I won't enjoy it without you."

He managed a laugh, though it sounded a little hollow to
her.  "I'll call the apartment then.  'Nite Dana, I love you."

"I love you too Mulder.  Keep remembering that."

He broke the connection and she felt a loneliness
encompass her.  How much worse was it for him?  She'd
only met Patterson once, but she believed Mulder's
assessment of him.  He reveled in all of the evil he
delved into in other men's minds.  She didn't know if he
had ever been married, but she doubted it.

He stared at the receiver in his hand for a long moment
before moving his finger from the button and placing it on
the phone.  He closed his eyes and then stood.  If
Patterson found him, he sighed . . .

He headed back down to the room they were using as
headquarters.  Patterson had been sleeping there as
well.  He just ate up this kind of filth.

"Mulder, about time.  Get over here."

Mulder sank back into the mindset that suited him best
for this kind of work.  He pushed Dana to the back of his
mind.  He didn't want his thoughts of her to be
contaminated by this pervert.

They found the man, but not until after one last victim.
His guilt over that one vied with the euphoria of the other
team members.  It was as though the last victim was
worth it as bait to catch the man.  She'd been a redhead,
taller than his redhead and not as attractive, but seeing
her on that slab in the morgue had been devastating
nevertheless.

He couldn't quite shake his guilt by the time he got home.
He tried to hide it; she was so excited about her work
with Dr. Waterston that he got away with it.

Holding her in his arms that night helped, but when he
woke up to find her gone, the gloom overwhelmed him
again.  He had the day off, but she was gone.  He didn't
know if that was good or bad, but it was lonely.  He
needed to try to get his mind on something else.

He forced himself out of bed, took a shower, then headed
for the office.  He wasn't going to let Patterson know he
was even in the place.

He headed directly for his 'office' in the basement and
spent the day there, behind closed doors.  He even forgot
to eat lunch.  It was the only thing that kept his attention
when he was like this.

The only file that he didn't, that he wouldn't, discuss with
anyone, was Samantha's.  Even Diana didn't know he'd
found that one.

They fell back into the pattern again.  Both working too
many hours, allowing themselves to spend time with co-
workers rather than each other.

Each time it was harder to find their way back to each
other.  But neither admitted that, even to themselves.

******

He was out of town, as usual now, when he got the call.
She had been admitted to the hospital.  That was all the
information the Bureau had.  He left Patterson a note and
took off for the airport.  He hadn't been home in nearly a
week, but she hadn't been ill.  At least not as far as he
knew, he realized.

He'd done it again.  He'd been away working on a case
for the VCS.  Okay that was his job, but his spare time
had been taken up more and more with the X-Files.
Diana spent as much time as she could with him, but she
had a regular assignment as well.

Diana was the one who had brought up the idea of
creating their own department, to work exclusively on the
X-Files and the idea was damn intriguing.  They'd spent
many an hour discussing it in the little office that was still,
for the most part, a secret from anyone that mattered at
the Bureau, as far as he knew.  Hours he could have
spent with Dana, except she was spending her own time
with 'Daniel'.

That thought caused him to tense up a little.  He knew he
had no reason to be jealous.  He did, but she was
spending a lot of time with the man.

That wasn't important now.  His wife was in the hospital
and he didn't even know why.  The flight was
interminable.  His thoughts kept returning to the words
his father had said that night in the restaurant.

Dana, I'll probably cause an explosion with this
statement, but Fox is very like me. He becomes
consumed with his work, single-minded in his pursuits.
That's how he's been so successful at Oxford, completed
his degree ahead of time and at the top of his class.  But
it's not a good combination for a relationship.

You don't want to hurt this woman the way I hurt your
mother.

It was the first time, nearly the only time, his father had
met Dana and he had felt it that important to warn her
about his son.

His mother had said something as well.  Dana didn't
know that he had heard anything and she hadn't wanted
to tell him.  At the time he had thought it was just the way
his mother felt about his father, but the words were there
nonetheless.

This is a mistake.  You should not plan to marry Fox.
The Mulder men are . . . not marriage material.  There is
too much of his father in him.

He won't make you happy.

Over and over he heard the words in his mind.  He was
deep in despair by the time he reached the hospital.  He
got her room number from the desk and hurried up the
stairs.

He approached her room and saw that the door was
partially open.  He looked through the glass panel to
make sure it was her, and stopped at the sight of the man
beside her.

She had her eyes closed, but this man was holding her
hand, caressing it.  "Dana, come on, open your eyes."
He leaned down and kissed her forehead.  Mulder felt
like he'd been punched in the gut.  Who was this man?

Dana opened her eyes, "Daniel?  What are you doing
here?"

Daniel?  This was Dr. Waterston?  What the hell kind of
mentor was he?

"I just wanted to check on you."

"I'm fine Daniel; I told you that."

Mulder moved back from the door.  He didn't want to
hear this.  He slipped into an empty room across the hall
and waited.  In a few minutes Daniel left the room and
still he waited.  Well, he couldn't stay here forever and he
needed to know what was wrong with her.  She was still
his wife, for now.

He forced himself to cross the hall and tap on the door as
he opened it.  She turned and spotted him.  To his
surprise her whole face seemed to light up.  "Mulder?"

She held out her hand to him.  He made his feet carry
him to the bed.

"What are you doing here?  Oh please, tell me they didn't
call you in from the field!"

"I got a call that you were in the hospital."

"What did Patterson say?"

"I didn't talk to him, I just left a note."

"Oh Mulder."  She pulled him closer and he allowed it,
finally kissing her.  "I'm fine.  They should never have
bothered you."

"They don't usually admit people who are fine into the
hospital."

She rolled her eyes.  "They do when overly cautious
doctors have too much clout."

"What happened?"  He sat stiffly beside her in the chair.

"Nothing really.  I was in surgery with Dr. Waterston.  It
lasted over five hours and went very well.  When it was
over and we were washing up, I got a little dizzy and I
may have blacked out."

"You fainted?"

"Maybe for a second.  I was just hungry.  But Dr.
Waterston went all overprotective and had me admitted.
I'm really fine and I'm sorry they worried you.  But it is
good to see you."

He managed a small smile at that.

"Mulder?  Is it a bad case?"

"Aren't they all Dana?"

She looked at him curiously, but decided to change
subjects.  "Well, since you're here, I'm getting out.  I
shouldn't have been here in the first place.  Why don't
you take me home?"

"Are you sure?"

"Positive.  Mulder, are you okay?"  She reached for his
hand again, but he withdrew it into his lap.  It might have
been an accident, a movement he started before she did.
That must be the case.

She pulled the covers back and rose from the bed.  His
hand automatically came out to steady her.  "Mulder, will
you buzz the nurse while I get dressed?  Thanks."

She moved into the bathroom and he stood unmoving,
his mind whirling.  What should he believe?  He can't
make you happy.

He returned to his team the next day and withstood
Patterson's diatribe on responsibility without a word.
Everyone noticed his complete withdrawal into himself,
but when he emerged with a profile and led them directly
to the man's business, they kept quiet.  It was unusual
that he made no sarcastic remarks regarding Patterson,
especially after even Patterson had to admit that he had
solved the case.

 From the depths of his own despair he'd had no trouble
getting into this tormented man's mind.  The problem was
getting out of it.

*****

Diane found him in 'their' office a couple of days later.
He was holding a file, but didn't appear to see it.

"Fox?"

It took him a beat to realize anyone was there, then he
looked up but didn't speak.

"Are you okay?"

"Diana?  Yeah, I'm fine."

"Well you look like shit.  Want to talk about it?"

He blinked at that and watched her sit.

*****

"You're Catholic Dana.  I was thinking you'd want an
annulment, since there're no children."  He didn't see her
face at those words.  He couldn't look at her anyway.
This had all made so much sense when he'd discussed it
with Diana.  He wasn't husband material, anyone could
see it.

"Annulment, in other words, no marriage ever existed."

"If there's no husband, how can there be a marriage?
Dana, none of this is your fault.  It's me; I'm too
damaged.  I should have realized it."  He shrugged, "I
should have stayed with women like Phoebe."

"Or Diana?"  That caused him to finally meet her eyes.

"Dana, I'm not having an affair with Diana Fowley."  Why
had he said that?  They were separating; maybe she
needed an excuse.

"Not physically, maybe."

He stared at her at those words, but didn't dispute them.
She turned away then in order to keep some composure.

"I'll, uh, I'll pack a bag for tonight and pick up the rest of
my things this weekend."

"That's what you want?"

"It's for the best."

"Best for whom?"  She came back at him.

He didn't bother to answer; she couldn't hear him now
anyway.  But it would be best for her.  He didn't know
how to be the kind of husband she needed.  He hadn't
even been with her when she started having problems
with the pregnancy.  He would never forgive himself for
that, but if he gave her freedom, maybe she would find
the kind of man she deserved.  Someone a hell of a lot
better than him.

*****

"I promised never to leave him."  She was dry eyed again
and sounded so remote.

"You didn't leave him.  Dana, Honey, give it a little time."

"Why?  He contacted Father McKuen.  He wants out."

"Dana, he doesn't want out.  He thinks you'd be better off
without him.  You knew that about him.  You've known
him since you two were children.  Please, don't write off
this marriage; not so quickly."

"I haven't written off anything.  He has."

"Dana, let me talk to him."

"No!  Mom, don't talk to him.  I shouldn't have come to
you, but please don't - "

"Of course you should come to me.  Dana, you're hurt
and he's scared.  You need to talk to someone, if not me
then Father McKuen or, or someone."

Dana shook her head.  "I'm tired.  Do you mind if I sleep
here tonight?  It's so . . . empty over there."

"Of course you should stay here.  Go on up and take a
long bath.  Try to relax."

"Mom, swear to me you will not call him.  Or Ahab either.
If this is what he wants, then . . . Swear it Mom."

Maggie sighed, Dana knew her too well.  After a long
moment she nodded, "I won't call him Dana, but I think
it's a mistake."

Dana nodded and moved toward the stairs.  She felt very
very old.