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 This author's e-mail address has changed to: xfilesgirl4@hotmail.com
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From: jules@haveaniceday.co.uk
Date: Fri, 4 Jan 2002 19:49:20 +0000 (GMT)
Subject: FIC: Kubla Khan
Source: direct

Title: Kubla Khan

Author: Juliet Lovatt 

Rating: PG..... I think

Classification: A, DRR UST, Doggett's POV

Summary:  "Death...an ending to life which will happen 
to us all"
Post-Ep TiNH

Spoilers: This Is Not Happening 

Disclaimer: Nope, they're not mine

Feedback: Yes please!  E-Mail- jules@haveaniceday.co.uk

Archive- Anywhere just ask me first!

Authors Note-At the end.

No beta reader used.. all typos are my own :)

******************************************

"As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon lover"

"His flaming eyes, his floating hair
Weave a circle round him trice. And close 
your eyes in holy dread"- Samuel Taylor Coleridge- 
Kubla Khan


Death. An ending to life which will happen to us all. 
Everyone in the world is someone's lover, mother, son, 
daughter, friend. Everyone of us is somehow related to 
someone else.

Then why did I feel angry that Mulder got to be Scully's 
lover instead of her friend?

We found him today.

Mulder.

It was too late.

Death can make you do strange things, which is why I'm sitting 
alone in my motel room trying to think of a poem I memorized over 20 
years ago.

"A waning moon was haunted by women wailing for her demon lover"

Demon Lover.

I'd never even met Mulder and that was how I was thinking of him. 
As I listened to Scully crying today I was taken to another place, 
where it was Monica crying instead of Scully, and the demon that now 
haunts me lying on the ground. Luke, my son.

Seven years old. That's no age to go, not when he had his whole 
life ahead of him.

At least Mulder got to live, but I didn't think that would be much 
consolation for Scully.

Scully, my new partner, Mulder's lover. She was supposed 
to be in the room next to me but I hadn't heard her 
come in yet.

Reyes, a former friend, now she was being drawn into the 
world of that little basement office. I remembered 
Scully's words to me "Get out while you can Agent Doggett. 
Or you may never get out at all" I could never 
leave it now. Scully was right. Once you get in, you don't
 get out. I didn't regret bringing Monica in to help. 
I hoped I wouldn't regret that decision in the future. 
She was in the other room on my side. I could hear her 
moving around the room, taking a shower, leafing through case 
files.

I briefly pondered praying. I knew Scully was religious, 
but I couldn't make myself believe in a God.
Not when too much bad shit had happened. To Luke. To Mulder, A man I 
never even knew.

"Close your eyes in holy dread" That was the line of the poem. Holy 
dread. Because no matter how hard I prayed, the man upstairs 
couldn't do anything to change my situation. He couldn't 
bring Luke back, couldn't erase my pain. Or the pain 
I'd inflicted on Monica. I saw Scully's quizzical 
looks when I'd introduced her to Monica. Wondering 
about the connections between us, the chemicals between us.

I must of dozed off then because I was awoken by the 
sounds of Scully crying, I heard Skinner comforting her. 
He would take away her pain, just as Monica had taken 
mine away all those years ago. I couldn't hear this now, 
I couldn't allow myself to be pushed over the edge. I grabbed 
my pillow and blanket and left my room. I crossed the small space 
between our rooms and knocked on her door.

There was no answer, "Monica" I called her name, hoping she 
would come to the door soon, it was freezing out here. I 
knocked again, she opened the door.
"John?" she said, looking at me curiously "are you okay, 
is everything alright?" She moved aside so I could go 
inside her room. "Yeah" I said. 
"Why do you ask" 
"because it's three o'clock in the morning" she said with a laugh.
"I'm sorry, were you sleeping?" she sat down on the bed 
and started to  organize papers and files.
"I was looking through this file, I guess I must of dozed 
off"  She looked at my pillow and blanket.
"What's wrong with your room anyway" 
I put them on the floor, and went into the bathroom to splash some 
water on my face. 

She followed me in. "John" she said. "What's wrong" She handed me 
a towel, and I wiped my face dry. 


"Scully's in the other room, she's crying" 
"Well, why don't you" I interrupted her before she could finish. 
"Skinner's in there with her, anyway it wouldn't be right" I left 
the bathroom and went to the bed.
"Is that all it is" she said. Damm. She can see right through me. 
I sighed. "You know it's not" I said.

My gaze locks with her. "I promised her. I promised her that I'd 
find him. I've failed her"
"Don't blame yourself John. It's not your fault." She took my hand. 
"She doesn't blame you. Don't put yourself through this."  

I wouldn't put you through this again Monica. I could do that to 
her again anyway. I think I was quite bad enough the first time, 
turning up drunk on her doorstep, trashing Luke's pictures and 
his things.

Every reminder of him was like a bullet to my head. 

She was a reminder too. I pushed her away until I realised she 
was the only one who would listen to me. Nobody else gave a damm.

The poem,running through my head. I realised the message. No matter 
how hard you tried, you couldn't recreate paradise. Even if I had 
found Mulder alive, it wouldn't of brought Luke back. The big guy 
upstairs doesn't work the system like that.

We were all given paradise, I was given paradise. I had my son, 
my wife. But then we ruined it, got kicked out of paradise. 
My wife left me, my son died.  'Kubla Khan'. I had studyed it in 
the turmoil. I looked up. She was still holding my hands. "Monica" 
I began. I was going to tell her that I was sorry. "It's okay" 
she said and released my hands. 

"God, sometimes I think that you can read my thoughts!" 
She laughed. "I just know you"

"Monica" she turned to look at me. "Can I stay here tonight...I just 
can't hear Scully.....you know"
"Okay,if you want." she shrugged. "Look, I brought my own pillow." 
I gestured to my pillow and blanket. "You're not going to sleep on
 the floor" she said. "Yeah I was going to" I said. She climbed into
 bed. "John there's no need you can sleep here", "No I couldn't do 
that" I said. 

"John, we've shared a bed before, and we're both adults" I got into 
bed with her. I was wearing my Marine T-Shirt and she was just in a 
tank top with shorts.

{Wondering about the connection between us, the chemicals between us}

Dangerous water's John, I rememebered how I had fallen for her, 
all those years ago. History repeating itself.

{You can't recreate paradise. The paradise we once had}

"John" Monica was starin at me. "John, you're looking at 
me all werid" she said. 
"Monica, why did we break up?" she looked shocked at 
the question but I didn't regret asking it.
"John, you know the answer" She sat up and turned away from me. 
I put my hands on her shoulders and kneaded them softly. "Monica" 
I said gently "You know I loved you right, you know I never meant 
to hurt you. She nodded and turned to face me. 
"I also know that you can't recreate paradise. So you shouldn't try. 
And I also know that you need some sleep" 

She turned the light off and snuggled down into the covers.

{History repeating itself}

I put my arm round her anyway and she didn't protest.

********Fin!!! Feedback eternally welcomed!! 
-jules@haveaniceday.co.uk