From: eponine119 Date: Sat, 08 Nov 1997 23:38:10 -0800 Subject: NEW: [Journey VI] Labor 1/1 Disclaimer: The X Files belongs to Chris Carter, 1013 and Fox, not to me. Author's Note: Looking through old disks, I found this story. I was surprised I hadn't posted it; I'm not sure why I didn't. So I'm posting it now - the 'lost' story in my "Journey" series. I hope you enjoy it. The sequence of the series now is: [Contact, Like Him,] Legacy, Asking, Memento Vitae, *Labor*, Family, Anniversary. These are available on Gossamer, on my webpage [http://members.aol.com/eponine119/storlist.htm] or by email. Comments appreciated. ____________________ Labor by eponine119 eponine119@att.net March 14, 1997 ____________________ She rolled over in her sleep, half waking as she moved. She was cold, and there was an odd feeling in her stomach. She opened her eyes slowly but didn't move in the darkness. A deep breath. Two. If it had been a dream that left her disturbed, it was gone now. She lay there in the wide bed listening to Mulder's breath. She wanted to touch him, to move closer to him, fit her body against the contours of his, but she found herself unable to. Some part of her mind said she didn't want to do that, after all. She felt restless; she wanted to get up and run as far and as fast as she could. But she couldn't run at all. The very urge told her that she was holding on to fear, a fear that she had to face. She'd had enough of those recently to know. Mulder mumbled agitatedly in his sleep. She tilted her head and listened patiently. The words didn't make sense. They never did. She didn't turn and look at him and after a moment, his breathing evened out again. He'd come close to waking, but staved it off to sink deeper into sleep. She closed her eyes and wished for that same elusive darkness to claim her, but it refused. The thoughts wouldn't leave her alone. What was she doing here, sharing this bed with Mulder as she had every night for months now? What was she honestly doing here? If she'd been told a year ago where she would be this day, she would never have believed. A year ago was not so long in some respects. She had been tired, restless, disillusioned. The same feelings weighing upon her now. For a moment, she thought she could feel Mulder's fingers soft and tender against the tattoo inked onto her skin, but the sensation was an illusion. Did he love her? He'd said so; his actions told her that he did. But the question remained in her mind. Could Mulder love anyone? Was he capable of such a complex, adult emotion when on so many levels, he remained a boy struggling to protect himself? She underestimated him. She knew the answer was yes. But she couldn't help feeling he wanted to own her, body and soul. She would have to be patient and try to teach him differently. Ownership was not love. But he could not be taught. And if she succeeded, she would lose him. If she hadn't already. I'm doing all of the wrong things, she thought. I can't do this. I have to leave, I have to get my life back, she thought furiously, I can't go through with this! She sat up quickly, intent on getting out of the bed and escaping. She knew she was being irrational, but for the first moment in a long string of days, she felt in control of her own destiny again. A destiny that fate had taken a very strong hand in. She had no choices, not at this point. A strangled, surprised cry formed in her throat, surprising her as surely as the pain in her belly did. As she pressed it with her hand, she suddenly knew what had woken her. Mulder was instantly conscious, looking into her eyes. "What is it?" he slurred softly. "Mulder, I think this is it," she told him. "It can't be," he told her, "You're not due until...and the Cesarean is scheduled for this afternoon. You can't go into labor now." "Try telling her that," she informed him as she gritted her teeth against a stronger pain. Mulder's eyes went wide with panic. "You're not supposed to go into labor!" he cried. "It's too dangerous, you could..." She closed her eyes against the pain and he stopped. "Damn it," he whispered desperately. She forced her eyes open, knowing what inevitably came next. 'This is all my fault.' Mulder's philosophy. "Don't," she informed him before he uttered the words. The pain subsided for the moment and she got out of the bed. Her legs felt strangely weak and achy, but she ignored the feeling. She pulled her nightgown off over her head and reached for the big, ugly dress that hung draped over the back of the chair. "What are you doing?" Mulder asked her from the bed. "Going to the hospital to have this baby," she informed him. He was stonily silent and her stomach knotted in dread. Tears burned in her eyes and she knew they were just a conditioned, hormonal response, but that didn't drive them away. She didn't want to fight with him right now. She was scared enough of the things that were going to happen in the next few hours...terrified, if she was admitting the truth. She didn't want to fight with him and worry about losing him now. Not on top of everything else. Even though thirty seconds before, she had been thinking about running away. Silly. She couldn't run from her own body. Silly for thinking Mulder was selfish, when this wasn't about him at all. It was about her body. Everything she had done was for herself. Tears choked her but she couldn't stop moving. She was the selfish one, she realized horribly. She was having this baby to save her own damn life. An experiment to see if the tumor swelling in her head would respond to hormones. It had, and she was going to be just fine. She had to avoid the strain of natural labor, but she and the baby were going to be fine. Another pain shot through her and she seriously considered being sick from the pain. Or collapsing. But Mulder's arms wouldn't be there to catch her, so what was the point? He was still sitting in the bed, watching her. "Are you coming or not?" she snapped at him. "I don't know," he said coolly. "Am I invited?" He tossed back the covers and got out of bed. His movements were sharp, restrained. His anger boiled just below the surface, barely controlled. She could see the fire in his eyes. "I am only the father, after all. I'm only the one who made this whole thing possible." "She's not a thing," Scully snapped. "God damn it, don't you think I know that?" Mulder cried. His shoulders sagged and he leaned against the dresser, regretful. She crossed her arms. "You think I'm not giving you enough credit in this?" she asked him. "No, of course not," he told her. "Well, that's fine. I owe you my life. And her life. Are you happy now?" she continued ranting. "You own us both, isn't that all you ever wanted? You can protect us and blame yourself whenever any little thing goes wrong, like a baby that wants to be born now, her doctor's plans be damned....ohhh." The pain caught her off guard every time. She watched the anger in his eyes turn to concern. "I just want to love you," he told her. His arms went out, reaching for her, wrapping her up tight and steady and safe. He breathed into her hair as he hugged her. "I love you. You have to stop doubting that. Doubt anything else you want, but not that." "I wanted to run away," she admitted in a small voice. "Not like I've been able to run for a few months now..." "You're scared. It's understandable when there's no way to turn back." "There's never any turning back." "It seems that way, doesn't it," he told her. "Would you, if you really had the choice?" "It hurts, Mulder," she admitted.. "You're not afraid of the pain. You're afraid of the change. Of having to trust me. And yourself." She turned in his arms and looked at him, amazed. How could she have doubted this man when he knew her better than she did? She needed him, when it came down to it. She didn't want to and it scared her, but she needed him. What made it okay was that he needed her too. The rest of it had to be some sort of labor induced hysteria, that was the only logical explanation. She closed her eyes as another wave rolled through her. "I think we'd better go before you have to carry me. And I don't think you could manage it." He didn't release her. "I love you." She nodded. He waited, holding her. The moment stretched on. She didn't want to say it. She felt it, but she didn't want to say it. He wasn't going to let her go, though, until the feelings in her were resolved. Until she could say it. And that alone made her love him all the more. "I love you," she whispered. She screamed, shocked, as he hoisted her up off her feet. To carry her to the car. Everything would be different in twenty four hours' time. And they had to be strong enough to face that. the end. eponine119@att.net -- _______________________________________________ eponine119 eponine119@att.net http://members.aol.com/Eponine119/ "There are no aliens. Mulder and Scully fall in love, and it turns into this angst-ridden -thirtysomething- thing. Hey, scifi fans, bet you can't wait." -David Duchovny on the X Files movie