Date sent: Sun, 8 Jun 1997 16:28:33 -0300 From: Tara Leigh Thorne Subject: Lacuna:Missing Scene 2 -- Decisions and Pizza Look, it's the second missing scene. Like anyone cares. Well, I know Bronwyn does, so this is for Bronwyn. Disclaimer:The X-Files and its characters belong to CC's brigade who are denying everything for the crappiest SF ever. I would deny that and a lot more. Rating:G, A Spoilers:Never. The fourth season has not happened. Note:Having read "Lacuna" would've helped by now. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Decisions and Pizza by Tara Thorne All I wanted was friendship. At first. She was there, beautiful and unreachable, yet she reached out to *me*. I didn't ask her too, and she didn't ask me if she could. She just did it. And that's one of the things I like best about her. She just does things. Not at work, for certain, because she has to be the cool collected scientist who can't just do whatever because there's already somebody there that does whatever when he feels like it. If she followed his lead their division would fall apart. No time to be irresponsible when she is between those walls. But when she escaped them... No one knew of her spontaneous side. How she would just pick up and go on the weekend, go anywhere she wanted. She would drive until she ran out of gas and make a trip of it from there. And how she would just show up to take me out for a pizza, or coffee, or a movie, or to watch the stars she hated sometimes. And no one ever witnessed this. Except me. Why me? I ask myself that question hourly. Why would she want to spend her off time, so rare, with a man she had once hunted? A man she had once hated, and probably still did? I didn't understand, making me very wary of her actions at first. I didn't trust her, an insult to her for sure, but I thought maybe *he* had put her up to it. Then I learned that contrary to popular belief, she did not do everything *he* told her to. How I loved to hear her stories of defiance. They were few, but they were enjoyable, deliciously told, impressions included. How she could mock his walk, that arrogant slow stroll he had. And how she sometimes made fun of his theories and spouted off impromptu sermons on aliens and outer space. She would then look around guiltily and tell me not to tell him, but I would laugh. Why would I ever talk to him? He would surely kill me if I tried, a simple hello sending him into a rage. So while she kept me in her secret life, one in which she actually *lived*, I did not voice my wishes to be in her public life as well. I have not said anything, but I don't want to be just the friend she sees after work. But I refuse to tell her, because she has enough problems just trying to maintain a respectable position in the Bureau, a difficult thing considering who she deals with. So I sit quietly on the subject. She knows how I feel but has silently refused to take any action. I wish she would change her mind, for friendship, even secret, isn't enough for me anymore. I want her for so much more. But I haven't been able to tell her. One of the things we agreed on when we began this odd relationship was that it remain platonic. I didn't like that much at first, because it equaled me to *him*, but soon accepted it when I realized how different the relations were. He was there and I was here, and here looks a lot more interesting. I wish she could see that. If she does she hides it well. But I'm having trouble now. It's hard for me to stop myself from taking our goodbye hugs further. I can hardly suppress my feelings when we engage in our deepest conversations, ones during which we tell each other things no one else knows, and expose ourselves to the rawest of emotions, yet I keep my mouth shut. Am I lying to her? By doing this, am I taking the trust away? It was a hard thing to get, and not something I want to lose. So if I told her how I felt would she be glad for my honesty or furious for my carelessness? I wasn't supposed to fall in love with her. Would she accuse me of doing it purposely? I'm so confused. But how can I not be in love with her? This woman, so strong and intelligent and wonderful, beautiful in and out, is anything but unlovable. It's her fault, really. But would she see it that way? I can't think about this anymore. She's here. I wonder if it's odd to declare your love over pizza? --end-- yeah, I know. It started out well and good... =========================== And maybe you should sleep And maybe you just need A friend As clumsy as you've been No one's laughing You will be safe with me -- Raine Maida ==========================