From: TJ <2ISUGRADS@Prodigy.net>
Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2000 23:49:48 -0600
Subject: New:  Leap of Faith by TJ  PG-13

Title:  Leap of Faith
Author:  TJ  2ISUGRADS@Prodigy.net
Category:  Hmmm, not sure about it, but maybe MSR indirectly.  SDP
(Scully/Doggett
Partnership, is that a classification?)
Rating:  PG-13 for swearing
Summary:  Agent John Doggett confronts Scully about what she's keeping from
him.
Spoilers:  Within, Without.  Reference to episode 8 spoiler in author's
notes at the end. Don't read the notes unless you've been a nasty whore!
Disclaimer:  If rumors prove to be true about this season, I don't know if
I'd want to say they're mine.  The X-Files, it's concept and characters, belong to Chris
Carter, 1013 Productions and Fox.  Sorry guys, but right now I like the fanfic versions
better!
Archive:  Yes, please, if you'd like!  Please write to me to let me know
where you're sending it.
Author's notes at the end.


Leap of Faith  by TJ


John Doggett surveyed the scene in the room beyond him and made the
decision to get some coffee before first going into the basement office. 
It wasn't the first time he had arrived at work early in the morning to
find agent Scully, head on her desk, apparently sound asleep.  The first
time he caught her napping there, she acted flustered and embarrassed,
then got angry when he'd questioned her about whether she had even gone
home the night before.  "Don't worry about it," was the standard response
he was becoming very familiar with.  At least it was better than her icy
cold silence he so often endured.  He was learning to do a waltz around
her unpredictable moods without stepping on her toes in the process. 

By the time he'd returned with two cups of coffee, she was sitting up and
flipping through a file as if she'd been alert and working for hours. 
Maybe she had been and had just needed a short rest.  He couldn't blame
her really, This whole search was proving to be an exhausting task with no
end in sight.  And he wasn't even close to putting in the hours and effort
she was.  She was dauntless in her quest to find her partner and
apparently willing to ignore her own health if it meant coming one step
closer to getting Mulder back. 

She looked horrible, though he'd never dare to tell her that.  He wasn't
that foolhearted.  He didn't forget about the water instance upon their
first meeting as he set the steaming cup of coffee on the edge of her
desk.  Actually, it was his desk; Mulder's.  She'd refused to let him use
anything of his when he first moved into their office.  Instead, she'd
relinquished her own space, telling him he could put his things there.  He
understood the meaning of her action immediately.  She might as well have
said, "You aren't him, you aren't taking his place, so don't even try." 
He had watched her then as she quietly moved her files and personal
belongings over to Mulder's corner of the room.  She had almost caressed
his things as she set them aside, placed them in drawers and file
cabinets; what was left remaining, that is, of anything that wasn't
confiscated earlier by the FBI as evidence in the case.  It was only one
of many times where Doggett would wonder if perhaps he had misjudged how
well the two of them had known each other after all. 

"Here's some coffee," he said casually, motioning to the cup with a turn
of his head, "Decaf, like you insist."  She acted if she hadn't heard him,
which was also another response of hers he'd grown accustomed to.  He
wondered if she'd made things this difficult for Mulder when they were
first partnered.  Somehow he doubted it.  He wasn't Mulder, after all, as
she constantly reminded him in her own way time and time again. 

She waited until he walked over to his side of the room and began to look
over some files before she even looked at the cup of coffee next to her. 
He pretended to be engrossed in information that he'd already read through
a dozen times before, but covertly studied her over the top of the folder
as she reached for the cup.  She raised the Styrofoam container to her
lips, but stopped halfway.  Her other hand came up, covering her mouth,
then she lowered it again quickly.  Before he knew what had happened, she
was up out of her seat and walking briskly to the door. 

"Excuse me," she mumbled as she brushed past him.  He had stood up when
he'd seen the look on her face.  Something was wrong. 

He waited until the office door closed behind her before he followed her. 
She had already accused him once of tapping her phone and tailing her.  He
didn't want to give her reason to think he was intruding in on her life
once again.  Things were strained enough between them as is without added
suspicion and mistrust. 

He had heard her hurried footsteps turn into a run as she went down the
hall.  He came out of the office just in time to see the door to the
women's rest room swing back shut.  Quietly he walked to where she had
disappeared.  He hesitated outside the room, hopping no one else would
come out and catch him listening at the door.  All he needed was a
reputation as a pervert to make this assignment worse than it was already
turning out to be. 

It was quiet for awhile and he began to feel guilty for being so nosy as
to why she'd left so abruptly.  Then he heard the retching sound.  She was
throwing up.  Again.  He had suspected that's what she'd been doing so
frequently the past month, but had never had any confirmation of it; the
sounds of dry heaving from the room beyond left no doubt now. 

He knew she'd been under extreme pressure and stress ever since Mulder had
disappeared.  There'd been so much suspicion at first as to whether he'd
staged the whole thing and what her role might have been in it.  They'd
even gone so far as to consider her his accomplice when the files were
taken with the use his pass card.  Maybe the emotional toll was
manifesting itself as an eating disorder or perhaps she just had a nervous
stomach.  Whatever the reason for the vomiting, now he knew why her face
was looking so gaunt and pale and why she could barely stay awake at
times.  Maybe she'd been injured worse than he'd been told after her
attack.  That might account for why they'd kept her in the hospital so
long... unless the reason was because her cancer was back.  That was a
whole other issue he hadn't thought to consider. 

He knew she'd had it; some form of inoperable brain tumor according to her
files.  But she was supposedly in remission and had been for several years
now, though no one really knew why.  It should have killed her by all
accounts. Could stress have triggered it again?  He didn't know enough
about medicine or the disease to make a guess on this one.  He'd just have
to ask her if he expected to find out. 

His resolve to just come out and question her about her health wavered
when she opened the bathroom door and found him standing there, leaning up
against the wall contemplating the effects a terminal illness would have
on their search.  Her face looked blotchy, liked she'd splashed water on
it to freshen up, and her eyes were rimmed in red.  Had she been crying
too?  He hadn't heard sobs or even the water running for that matter.  He
been too lost in himself considering the possible theories for her
physical state. 

She pushed passed him after offering him a stony look of disapproval, not
saying a word. 

He figured it was now or never.  He could at least make an attempt, though
he doubted he'd have much luck.  She always managed to run circles around
his questions regarding Mulder.  He doubted she would do much different
when the questions pertained to herself.  She was the most self-guarded
person he'd ever met. 

"You OK?" he called after her, trying to sound concerned.  And he truly
was concerned, just not very good at showing it and not sure how she'd
take it.  She was already halfway back to the office before he decided
he'd better go after her. 

"I'm fine," she said, not bothering to turn around to acknowledge him. 
Well, at least she hadn't pretended not to hear him this time. 

"You didn't sound fine in there,"  he said, knowing he was really about to
push his luck.  He hoped the coffee on the edge of her desk wasn't still
steaming hot as he jogged after her back into the office. 

She stopped and turned just inside the doorway, and he almost ran into
her.  Her eyes drilled into him. 

"I said I'm fine.  Take it as that, Doggett, OK?"  she looked exhausted,
about to collapse actually.  He wanted her to sit down before she fell
down.  He really was a chivalrous guy, but somehow he knew better than to
offer Dana Scully a seat at this very moment. 

"When are you going to tell me?"  he inquired, hands grasping the door
frame.  She walked away from him and wisely sat down at her desk. 

"Tell you what?"  she asked tersely, opening up her laptop and studying
the screen as it came on. 

"Why you've been tossing up your breakfast, lunch and everything in
between lately." 

She glanced up at him, trying not to look surprised.  A curtain of defense
came down immediately before he could surmise her response to his
observation. 

"I have the flu," she responded simply and began to type. 

"For the past month,"  he said, more as a statement than a question.  He
may not be a doctor, but damn her, did she really think he was that
stupid? 

"If you haven't noticed, both of us haven't exactly been taking care of
ourselves lately.  I guess my immune system's just rebelling."  She said
it like he'd just automatically accept it and go on with whatever other
snooping he was doing into her and Mulder's private lives. 

"Is it the cancer?" 

This time she really did take notice and didn't even attempt to hide her
shock at the direction he was moving this conversation towards.  She
pushed a button and shut the computer down.  She appeared to be gathering
her thoughts as she folded her hands on the top of her desk. 

"What do you know about that?" she asked, voice still full of control
despite the look of contempt her eyes betrayed. 

"Just a little.  Talk gets around.  I know you were pretty sick a few
years back.  Brain tumor or something, right?" 

"I'm sure you read all about it in my file, so why don't you just cut the
crap, Doggett." 

"OK, you're right.  They gave me your medical file.." 

"Those fucking bastards," she spat as she got up and paced over to the
window that let what little natural light there was into the florescent
washed room. 

"They thought it might be pertinent to the case,"  he offered, knowing it
wouldn't make a difference with her. 

"That's bullshit and you know it," she said, turning to him, her jaw set
firmly. 

"Whatever their reasons, you're right, your medical history has nothing to
do with Mulder's disappearance."  He expected her to agree, but wondered
what nerve he'd hit when she said nothing, only cringed slightly. 

"You know then that I was missing and that I almost died because of what
was done to me." 

"It didn't give many details, but yeah, I know you were supposedly
'abducted' also." 

"There's no 'supposed' about it.  The only question is who or what was
behind it. And I don't think you want to hear my beliefs on that subject," 
she continued, her defensiveness obvious. 

"You know my position well, agent Scully," he agreed. 

She stood with hands on her hips, head lowered as if trying to make a
decision. 

He moved toward her and waited for her to speak again.  He wasn't going to
blow it this time.  This was possibly his chance to make up his first
introduction to her. 

She was standing in the shadows so he couldn't see the expression on her
face.  She moved closer to the window and twisted the wand on the blinds
to open the slats wider.  It let a little bit more of the world beyond
come into the confines of the room.  She hated every moment she was stuck
in the office, not being able to search for him.  Looking out once in
awhile gave her hope that he was still out there somewhere. 

"Then you read what else was done to me.  You know I was made sterile." 
She turned her attention away from the window now and raised her eyes to
him, waiting for him to flinch.  This wasn't a topic that men like Doggett
were comfortable discussing.  But she had to make sure he understood
because she never wanted him to question her about it again. 

"I read that, yes.  At least that's the version that's in the charts." 

"*The version*," she repeated back to him with a slight shake of her head,
"What other version do you consider to be the accurate one, then Agent?" 

"I didn't say it was inaccurate,"  he corrected defensively. 

"You implied it," she retorted equally as strong in tone. 

"I only meant that it's just one possible explanation.  Fertility problems
aren't that uncommon, now are they agent Scully?" 

"They *are* uncommon when otherwise healthy ovaries are suddenly rendered
useless;  when a woman the age I was, is thrown into early menopause
because all her ova have mysteriously disappeared.  Believe me, agent
Doggett, I was tested.  Repeatedly.  Not one doctor could explain why it
was apparent that I'd never be able to have children of my own, when only
months before I'd been perfectly able to get pregnant if I so chose." 

He was becoming uncomfortable, even though not many topics made him feel
that way.  For some reason, even though he'd read it in her file, this
very personal information she was giving him made him swallow hard before
he spoke again. 

"I don't see what this has to do with anything.  I asked you about your
cancer,"  his tone had changed and he sounded somewhat angry.  Just why in
the hell was she bringing all this other stuff up? 

"*They* caused both.  My cancer and my infertility.  I don't know why, and
I don't know how, but they had the ability to do those things to me, and
for some reason they apparently gave me a second chance.  Twice."  Her
eyes searched his, trying to discern if he understood what she meant, if
he was following the huge lead she was giving him.  If he wanted answers;
if he had to find out her truth, then by God, she was going to make him
work for it.  She just hoped that this leap of faith confiding in him
wasn't a suicidal jump. 

Doggett ran his hand through his hair nervously.  It was true, there was
no good explanation how she was *cured* of a disease that should have
killed her long ago.  According to her medical information they provided
him with, she had stopped treatments and refused further hospitalization. 
How had she beaten it against all odds?  Maybe there was something else to
her recovery that went beyond modern medical explanation.  She believed
there was, and hadn't she been a skeptic once too? 

"So, you believe you went into remission because of something that was
done to you, by *them*?" He said slowly, making sure his voice sound
incredulous or sarcastic. 

She nodded.  God, he was slow in figuring this out.  But she had been too,
after all. 

"I had an implant in my neck.  When I had it removed, that's when I got
the cancer.  Mulder was given another one and I opted to have it put in
where the other one had been.  I was dying.  I had nothing to loose.  But
I wasn't convinced.  My cancer went into remission shortly after.  I know,
it could have been a coincidence.  That's what I thought then.  But this
time, I have no other choice but to believe." 

"Believe what?  That they condemned and then cured you both?  But why? 
What would the purpose of that have been?  To see you suffer, to make you
pay?" 

"I don't know.  It's a motive that's as illusive to me as it is to you. 
But no matter, they had the knowledge and the power, and I'm proof of it." 
She raised her head, confident in her assertion. 

"You said they cured you twice." 

"I was infertile."  She said softly. 

He paused a long time, taking in her words, "Are you saying that now
you're not?" 

He watched as her hand moved protectively over her stomach and rested
there.  He had to wait a second longer to make sure that what he
thought...his understanding....was the same as what she meant.  It
couldn't be, could it?  It would make sense: the vomiting, the fatigue,
her mood swings; all that he'd attributed to her frantic search for Mulder
and being extremely overworked.  This definitely wasn't a possibility he'd
considered after reading her medical history early on in the assignment. 

"Whoa, wait a minute here.  Are you trying to tell me that you're
pregnant?"  He was having to consider it now, but was hoping he was
mistaken. 

"Yes,"  was all she said as she walked past him to her desk once again. 
He was left speechless, standing there, mouth open, wondering what he
should say next.  Of course he wouldn't have thought she was pregnant.  He
wasn't so naive about women that he didn't know what the symptoms were....
it just wasn't possible.  Not according to her doctors anyway.  Maybe it
was all in her head.  He'd heard about women who couldn't have children,
who convinced themselves they were pregnant, even put on weight and showed
the signs of a real pregnancy.  Was this the explanation?  Maybe he was
looking too hard for another possibility, because what she was saying just
couldn't be the truth. 

"But you said..." 

She didn't let him finish. 

"Several months before Mulder disappeared, I met with a man, a man who
Mulder and I believe is mainly responsible for the global conspiracy
you've read about in our files.  I went with him...was tricked by him into
believing I would be given information that would cure all known ailments
to mankind.  There was a brief period of time that I have no memory of.  I
suspected at the time that he drugged me.  Now I have no doubt about it. 
I believe that he did something to me..." 

"He got you pregnant?"  he asked incredulously. 

"No!"  she said in exasperation, the thought making her nauseous.  If he
would just shut up and let her finish.  "No, I think he did something to
the chip in my neck, something to reverse my infertility.  I'm not that
far along for it to have happened then." 

"Then how pregnant are you?" 

"I'm in my thirteenth week.  I've had several ultrasounds to confirm my
due date." 

"Then the baby is...."  he stopped.  How could he have missed it?  Where
were his senses as a man not to notice.  She had been asleep in his bed
for Christ's sake, clutching his shirt none the less.  Mulder.  Of course. 
She knew the man better than anyone had suspected.  Despite the old rumors
he really didn't think they'd been lovers, especially based on how cool
she handled questions about her partner.  Damn, she was good.  He admired
how even under the worse of circumstances she hadn't allowed anyone even a
hint of the secret she shared with the man everyone was searching for. 
Perfect professionalism.  And she was pregnant through it all. 

"It's Mulder's,"  she finished for him, looking over toward his desk as if
to confirm it.  And for a split second he thought he saw a tear form in
her eye.  But then it was gone, vanishing as quickly as her child's father
had. 

Suddenly a thought occurred to him.  He wasn't quite ready to dismiss the
idea entirely that Mulder had chosen to make himself disappear.  The man's
life did seem to be falling apart.  Even Scully couldn't completely
dismiss Mulder's apparent health problems, though she insisted she would
have known if he was terminally ill.  Could knocking up his partner have
been the final straw?  Could he have bailed out to avoid facing the
repercussions of his careless professional and personal life, knowing he
didn't have time to correct his failings? 

It was if she'd read his mind. 

"He didn't know.  I didn't even know...not until the day he vanished," 
Her voice was now a hushed whisper as she went over and heavily sat down
in Mulder's chair, as if all the weight of the universe rested on her
small shoulders. 

"They can't find out.  Do you understand that?  I'm afraid what will
happen...what they will do..."  she didn't continue, her voice faltering. 

"Why do you say that?  What could they want with this pregnancy?  It is a
normal pregnancy, isn't it?"  For some reason an image of an alien baby
popped into his head.  He been reading through too many damned X-Files
lately.  Even if he didn't believe in that type of stuff, what she was
telling him now was no more bizarre than shape shifting alien bounty
hunters; and even he had a hard time trying to understand what he'd
witnessed with his own two eyes. 

"Everything appears to be going well.  My doctor's been monitoring me
closely.  That's why they kept me in the hospital the extra day.  I've had
ultrasounds, an amnio and chorionic villus sampling.  The DNA tests
confirm the baby is mine and his.  It appears to have happened the good
old fashioned way."  She said the last part almost bitterly, telling this
person, almost a stranger, about something in her life so personal, so
cherished.  She felt like she was betraying Mulder, telling Doggett things
about them she hadn't discussed with anyone, not even her mother yet. 

"Then why the worry?"  he asked.  She wasn't making sense.  She was
sounding as paranoid as Mulder was supposed to have been.  *Be*, he
corrected himself.  How Mulder is supposed to *be*. 

"Because everything they do is for a reason; for self interest and gain. 
For a darker purpose.  I wasn't given the ability to conceive out of the
goodness of their hearts.  I think I've been a part of their plan all
along.  I'm afraid there's a chance they know already and that's one
reason why they took Mulder.  He'd be out of the way, I'd be on my own. 
They would have a better opportunity to do what they want with me and the
baby." 

"But then why didn't they just take you?  They've had the opportunity." 

"I don't know.  I don't know!"  She startled him by jumping up and
slamming her fists on the desk.  He went towards her, to offer her
comfort, something.  He felt helpless.  He wanted to be able to help. He
could hardly believe that he was buying this wild story of hers.  But for
the first time he felt there was more to Mulder's disappearance than what
he had been letting himself see. Somewhere in his gut, he knew what she
said wasn't just what she believed to be the truth; it was the *truth*,
and she had risked everything telling him.  Why?  It was obvious that she
didn't trust him completely; not yet.  It was something he'd have to earn,
to prove to her. 

She gathered up her self control once again, and stood there calmly as he
placed his hand on her arm. 

"Do you understand now?  Can you see why I have to find him?  I can't
fail, I just can't." 

She had been trembling but relaxed slightly at his touch, then looked up
at him with a pain in her eyes that made him certain he had to find this
man, now more than ever before.  Fuck the opportunity to "shine" as Kersh
had told him.  Fuck the Bureau's need to avoid embarrassment.  He really
had no obligation to her at all, but somehow it was there, along with a
feeling that he had to do this for a man he never really knew and a child
who's future was as precariously in the balance as it's father's.  He
would find Mulder. 

Her leap of faith would not fall short. 


Notes: 

First off, I did not have anyone beta this, so bear with me if you find
errors. 

Second, I'm disregarding all the mess of spoilers for episode 8.  I'm also
taking a leap of faith here regarding Doggett.  I don't really like the
man right now, but I don't hate him either.  I just want to give him a
chance.  And like Scully, he will *never* replace Mulder in my heart.  I
just want to believe that he will help her to bring Mulder safely home and
over the course of this season, perhaps offer her some protection (like
kickass!Scully really seems to need it!).  I think that Scully, who's
always been so cautious and rational, is going to start going off half
cocked just like Mulder's notorious for.  She's that desperate to find
him. 

Third, would she have told Doggett this soon about her pregnancy?  And
told him before she trusted him completely?  I'm not sure if she have
would or not, it's just how I wrote it.  (Geeze, that sounds like how the
writers have been doing the show lately!)  I do think she'd realize that
sooner or later he'd find out, and it would probably be best if he heard
the news from her.  Other sources would probably misconstrue the situation
in favor of furthering their own agendas.  (Talking about Kersh, here.) 

Finally, I also should note that I'm just making guesses about "why"
Scully got pregnant.  And I'm not talking 'bout the birds or the bees or
the mechanics of how it happened.  That's obvious ;)  I still think that
there is evil at work behind her fertility being restored, but it has
nothing to do with the baby being alien.  Again, I say pppbbbbbtttttttt to
the ep. 8 spoilers!  This baby is the natural product of "undercover
partnering".  I guess we'll all just have to wait to see, taking our
chances with CC as he makes it up along the way.  Doesn't spring of 2001
just seem sooooo far away? 

I WANT TO BELIEVE CC is not evil!