From: eponine119  <eponine119@att.net>
Date: 4 Dec 1998 00:10:56 GMT
Subject: NEW: Leaving 1/1

Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter, 1013 and Fox, not
me.

Summary: Mulder-introspection, MSR, vignette.  Don't let the title
mislead you.

Leaving
by eponine119 
eponine119@att.net
November 19, 1998

	Hot.  It was hot and suffocating.  His skin felt like he'd been popped
in the oven to bake.  After a moment's thrashing, he located the edge of
the puffy-soft, perfectly white comforter that was cooking the life out
of him, pushing it back with both hands until cold night air soothed his
burning skin.  That kind of enveloping warmth made him feel like he had
a fever.  A very different sort of fever than he'd had the night before.
	The whole room smelled of her.  Maybe it was her perfume, lingering in
the air and on the furniture after she sprayed it every morning for all
the years she'd lived there.  Maybe it was bath oil or soap or shampoo
seeping from the bathroom.  Or maybe it was her, lying beside him, eyes
closed heavily in sleep.  The blanket obviously didn't bother her.
	He kicked his leg out into the fresh air and wiggled his toes.  It was
dark outside.  Middle of the night and he was wide awake.  At home, he'd
have flipped on the TV, let the flickering light and sales pitches lull
him back to sleep.  Here his only passtime was to think about the
morning.
	It loomed like capital letters carved out of ominous blocks of stone:
The Morning.  And oh yeah, it was coming.  Speeding ever faster like the
beating of his heart as he thought about it.  What was he going to do? 
Say?  How was he going to act?
	Worse, what was she going to do or say?  She was sleeping now but she
had a vicious temper when she was awake, a sharp tongue.  He didn't
usually allow her to scare him. In this case, though...she already did.
	They'd never done this before.  The last big first of their
relationship.
	Terror suggested in a low whisper that he should leave now, save all
the awkwardness and worry of the morning.
	It wouldn't make a difference.  Better to get it over with now, he told
himself.  Otherwise, you'll have to do it next time.  He couldn't run
out every time.
	And he knew if he left now, there wouldn't be a next time.  Which was
probably why he wanted to bolt so badly.
	Run, Mulder.  While you can still get away with your heart.  Run away
before she can hurt you.
	It wasn't  her he was scared of so much as his feelings for her.  If he
could be assured she'd know that, sense it somehow as she sensed all the
other things he didn't ever say, he'd go.  But she was a woman and she'd
assume all the wrong things about his leaving, that it meant he had no
feeling at all rather than too many.
	It was easier when she read his mind. Like she had last night.
	Escape.  Through the door, out into the anonymous night, his car
waiting on the street, red tail lights streaking away...
	It'd guarantee it was over.  Just as surely as last night had ended
years of agonizing tension.  His groin was beginning to throb as he
relived the best moments in his mind.  Her scream that had almost been
his name was one for his personal record book.
	This was a beginning, and he was so much better at endings.
	I'm right over here, come and get me,  Freedom called.
	She sighed and he tried to plan some witty conversation. Turning to
stare at her, he tried to guess what she would say.  His stomach was
starting to ache and he was becoming aware of the need to slip out to
use her bathroom.  But the longer he lay there, the more paralyzed he
was.  He couldn't miss being the first thing those blue eyes saw when
they opened.  He couldn't let her think he'd gone.
	So it looked like he was staying.
	The sun was beginning to play warmly on his skin and her hair when her
eyes drifted open.  He couldn't speak because his heart was pounding in
the back of his throat.
	"Hi," she said, smiling.
	"Hi," he smiled back.
	That was all it took.

the end.
comments welcomed.
eponine119@att.net