From: ilana slutzky Date: 14 Apr 1999 07:14:16 -0700 Subject: "Legacy" 1/1 "Legacy" Author: Anna L. Dawson Email: ALDawson@excite.com Distribution: Gossamer ok. Any archives that might deem this worthy, as long as my name and email addy stay firmly affixed. Spoilers: Momento Mori, Christmas Carol/Emily, FTF Rating: PG-13 for occasional colorful phrases Classification: SRA Feedback: thoughts, comments, constructive criticism are all welcome. Credits and Thanks: To Kennedy for editing and checking, and also for telling me not to use the word "jar" because it reminded her of Mayo. To Cyndy for reading and enjoying. Summary: What happens when Mulder finally tells Scully about a BIG secret he's been keeping? Disclaimer: They aren't mine. I don't claim them. As always, any characters created by CC remain his copyrighted property and the property of Ten Thirteen Productions and Fox Television. Used without permission for Fanfic purposes. I don't want to get rich. But, any characters created by me are mine. Enjoy! The silence was killing him. Fox Mulder had been absolutely sure that he was doing the right thing. All this time, he had been wanting to wait until the perfect moment, a moment that had never seemed to come. Until tonight. He had thought that she would be pleased, happy, maybe even finally excited about the future. Apparently, he had been wrong. "You bastard, how could you?" The low, strained voice came from the other end of the couch, but it sounded like it could have been the other side of the world. Mulder chanced a look over at his partner and companion, Dana Scully. Even though the room of her apartment was dimly lit, he could make out the glistening of the tears welling in her eyes, threatening to fall down her soft, flushed cheeks. Mulder quickly looked away. "I wanted to tell you sooner, but it never was the right time," Mulder heard the words coming out of his mouth, and wondered if they sounded as lame to Scully as they did to his own ears. "What do you mean `the time was never right,' " Scully's voice was beginning to gain in pitch. "This is my life, my body, my future." Her voice again trailed off as the tears no longer merely threatened, but were beginning to flow freely. "You should have told me as soon as you knew." "I know, Scully. I'm sorry. I should have. But I didn't. I waited. You had Emily to worry about, and then her death. And then there was the fire, and us getting shut down. I just didn't want to complicate your life any more than it already was. Anymore than I had already caused it to be." "But don't you see Mulder, with all that craziness, this would have been something to hold on to, to give me hope. To know that Emily wasn't the end", Scully added quietly. "Scully, I really believed that I was doing what was best." Again there was silence as Scully tried to soak in the exchange from the preceding few minutes. Finally, she spoke again. "Mulder, I think you should go home now." Mulder slowly nodded and rose from the couch. "Goodbye Scully, Happy Birthday." And with that, he walked out the door, shutting it softly behind him. ************************************************************************ Mulder rarely drank, but tonight he was perfectly willing to make an exception. He hated fighting with Scully, especially when he was doing something to protect her, to save her all the heartache he possibly could. She had already lost so much because of him, she had even almost lost her life more times than he cared to count, all because of him. And, because she was so willing to sacrifice everything for him, he felt that it was his responsibility to protect her and to keep her safe. Mulder grabbed a blanket and his half-drunk bottle of vodka and headed for the couch. He flipped on the TV to catch Sportscenter, but he wasn't paying attention to the Knicks score. He could only think of Scully and how he, in his infinite wisdom, had managed to hurt her yet again. As he sat with blank eyes focused on, but not watching, the TV, Mulder replayed the events of the past evening for the millionth time, still trying to figure out what had gone wrong. He thought that the night would please Scully. He took her out for Italian to celebrate her birthday. Tonight there were no cheesy keychains or football videos, just a card, flowers, dinner, and of course the pleasure of his company. Apparently, this was the way to go. Scully seemed to enjoy dinner, and Mulder was treated to the now rare occurrence of her bright, face-lighting smile. After dinner, it seemed that neither of the two were overly eager to part ways, and ended up at Scully's apartment for coffee. It was while they were sitting on Scully's sofa, trying to come up with topics that didn't include alien abductions and liver eating mutants, that Mulder decided that the time was right. It would be now or never, and it would be the perfect birthday surprise. He had cleared his throat, and told Scully that there was something that she needed to know. That she had a right to know, and that he couldn't put it off any longer. She had begun to look worried, but trusted Mulder that it would be important. That is when he told her the secret he had possessed for a year. How he had found the vial that had her ova locked inside it. He told her about the old women being surrogate mothers for Scully's, and who knows how many countless other women's, babies. Finally, he took a deep breath and told her that he had one of these vials in his possession. That he had been keeping it for her until he thought that she was ready to handle what the knowledge of its existence would bring. But Scully, wasn't happy or excited. She was angry for him not telling her. For once again trying to be noble and to protect her from the big, bad world. Maybe she was right after all. That small, red-headed woman who had been his partner for over six years surprised him constantly, especially as he continued to underestimate her. Maybe she wasn't as delicate as he perceived, and that she was stronger than he thought any person could ever be. Maybe it's just my own shortcomings, he thought. Mulder continued his journey into self-introspection as he took another liberal swig from the bottle. He focused on his own weaknesses, in knowing that he couldn't be as strong as his partner if he had sufferred the same trials as she had. He couldn't fathom how Scully could survive coming so close to death, and then having to lose a child. He would have crumbled, and he couldn't understand why Scully hadn't. Maybe, Mulder finally concluded, she is just stronger than me. So strong that she doesn't need my protection anymore. But, Mulder's mind never reached beyond this thought, to what may have been in fact the real answer. That Scully kept her sanity because of her connection to Mulder. It was his presence and strength that kept her grounded. As much as Mulder would love to believe this might be true, he couldn't let himself consider this an option. To consider this, he would have to admit that she, too, was the other half of himself. To admit that he needed her, that he in fact loved her. To admit that it would kill him if he lost her. He just couldn't let himself hurt like that again. ************************************************************************ Fox Mulder came back to consciousness slowly. As he tried to open his eyes, he realized that his head hurt. In fact, it hurt alot. He turned his head slightly to the left to glance at the clock that was blinking from the VCR opposite his couch. "Thank God its Saturday, and I don't have to tell Skinner why I'm late," was his first cognizant thought as he realized that he had slept through most of the morning. Slowly, Mulder sat up and stretched, and eventually began making his way into the kitchen. It wasn't until Mulder was about a third of the way through his second cup of coffee that the pain in his head subsided enough for him to be able to think of the events of the preceeding night-of Scully and how he had hurt her. "She's right, it's all my fault," he muttered into his cup of overly-strong black coffee. It's continued silence seemed to agree with Mulder's own conclusion. Mulder had hoped that the vodka he had imbibed the night before would do something to dull the pain he was feeling, but of course it had only been a temporary means of disguising it. He had the same emotions swirling through him that he had hoped he might finally be able to banish. But they were back. With a vengeance. The same guilt and pain that were Mulder's speciality, the guilt and pain that he felt when he knew that he had caused the woman he loved pain. Again. The last time the feelings had been this omnipresent had been when Scully had been taken to the Arctic. When he knew that he had to save her in order to save himself. And now, just like that time months ago, he knew he had to save her. To once again put things right between them. Suddenly, he knew that he needed to talk to Scully. He needed to apologize from his heart with all the contrition he could muster. To let her know that he knew that he had once again managed to fuck up royally. He needed to beg her forgiveness. To see if once again they could move past yet another obstacle placed in their path. But, he also knew that he needed to give her time. "She'll call," Mulder thought to himself. "She hates fighting, too. Soon. She'll call soon," he told himself as he sat down on the couch, remote in hand. The minutes crawled by into several hours, and Mulder had begun to give up at staring at the phone, willing it to ring. Finally, he couldn't take the tension any longer. He picked up the phone, and hit his first speed dial number. He let it ring until he heard the answering machine pick up. Taking a chance, he talked to the machine after the tone. "Scully. Scully. It's me. If you're there, pick up. C'mon. We need to talk. Scully?" Emitting a sigh, Mulder hung up the phone. Exasperated, he glanced around his apartment, and knew that he had to get out for awhile. He changed into an old pair of sweats, and left his apartment for the chilly, February, late afternoon air. ************************************************************************ "C'mon. We need to talk. Scully?" Scully hit stop on her answering machine and rewound the tape for the fifteenth time. She just wanted to hear Mulder's voice again. The more times she played the tape, the more she could hear just what he wasn't saying. She could hear the pain and guilt behind those few lines on her machine, and knew he was sorry. Of course, she had forgiven him the minute she had thrown him out her front door the night before, but he didn't need to know that. She knew it was Mulder just being Mulder, following the usual patterns of behavior she had come to expect in the past six years. He was simply following his usual thinking and logic, that being that he needed to protect her the way he couldn't protect his sister all those years ago. It was all behavior that she found endearing, and it all went into making Mulder the wonderful, crazy, man that he was. That made him into the man that she loved. And, accepting Mulder's shortcomings as they were, she knew that she had made him suffer long enough. Mulder was right; they did need to talk. To overcome another hurdle, and emerge stronger than ever. She picked up the phone and dialed his number. "Great. We're playing phone tag now," Scully thought as she heard Mulder's voice spouting his pre-recorded message. She hung up before the electronic Mulder could tell her to leave a message. She quickly grabbed her keys and decided to go over to his apartment herself. ************************************************************************ Mulder put his key in the lock, and glanced at his watch. To his astonishment, he had been out running for two hours. "I'm going to be sore tomorrow," he thought. "Well, maybe Scully got my message and called me back." He swung his front door open wide and froze. There she was, sitting on his couch. This was better than a phone call, he thought, as he tried to supress a smile. "Mulder, I was just about to give up on you," Scully said quietly from her spot on the far end of Mulder's couch. "Sorry, I had to think. So I went out running. It clears my head." "Yeah, I know. I've been doing some thinking too. You're right, Mulder. We do need to talk." Mulder nodded his head in agreement. "Just a minute. Let me change my clothes and I'll be right out. Do you want anything? Coffee, tea...I think that there might be a three month old jar of mayonaisse in the fridge." Scully just shook her head softly. "No, I'm fine. Thanks." Mulder ducked into his room and emerged two minutes later wearing jeans and a T-shirt that used to be black at one point in time, but had faded to a dark charcoal grey. He approached the end of the couch and looked down, staring at Scully. "Mind if I sit down?" "No. Besides, it's your couch. You can sit wherever you want." "Thanks for your permission," Mulder said wryly as he plopped down on the cushion furthest from where his partner was sitting. For what seemed an eternity but was really only a few minutes, they both just sat on the couch, though neither seeming to know just what to say, just that something indeed needed to be said. Just as it had the night before, the tense silence enveloped them. Finally, Mulder took a deep breath and began with what he hoped would be the right words. "Scully. I'm sorry. I don't know how many times I can say this until you finally believe me. But I'll keep saying it until you do. I was wrong. I should have told you right away, but I didn't. I thought that I was doing the right thing. I was only trying to protect you," Mulder paused a moment in the hopes that Scully would respond and accept his apology. "Mulder, I know that you're sorry. But you're `sorry' every time. Every time that you hurt me or do something stupid, you apologize. But you don't learn. You keep doing the same stuff over and over. Why? Because you think that I need protecting. Well Mulder, I have news for you. I survived for almost 30 years before I met you. But the last six have almost killed me. And that, I'm afraid, is with your so-called protection." *Well,* Mulder thought, *She responded. But not exactly the way I had in mind. But at least she's talking to me.* "Scully, I did a lot of thinking after I left last night, and I reached the same conclusion that you have. You don't need my protection. It's just that I don't understand how someone could survive the ordeals you have and still be a whole person. I just wanted to save you any more trauma and heartache. But I realize now that you are the strongest person that I know. You don't need me to keep you safe. You're right. I never did a very good job in that respect. You have come so close to losing your life because of me. I'm endangering you. You should stay as far away from me as possible." "Mulder," Scully said as she stood and moved closer to her partner on the couch. Taking his hand, she sat cross-legged on the cushion next to him. "Mulder, don't you get it? You're pushing me away because once again you think that it will protect me. But I'm not going to go anywhere. Yes, I have endured pain and heartache and death. Yes, I have lost my daughter and my sister. And Mulder, believe it or not, I'm not made of steel. Nobody, especially me, is that strong. I'm only whole because of you Mulder. If you took that away, I'd crumble like a house made of cards. Not steel." "But you wouldn't be in that position if it weren't for me," Mulder piped up in rebuttal. "You never would have been taken, your sister would still be here-" "-Mulder, you don't know that," Scully interrupted. "No one knows what would have happened. You aren't God. Melissa could have been hit by a bus, or shot by a mugger. This is not anything that you did. Besides, I'm here by choice. I work beside you knowing the risk of losing life and limb because I want to be there. Because your beliefs have become my beliefs. And I need the strength of our beliefs in order to survive." The words were now streaming from Scully's mouth, and she stopped to not only catch her breath, but also to try and choke back tears she swore she wouldn't let fall. Why couldn't Mulder understand what an asshole he was being? What a stubborn jerk he was? She had to make him see how he was acting so that they could finally stop worrying about this and get on with their lives. "I didn't realize that you cared so deeply about our work, Scully," Mulder's sarcastic voice shook Scully out of her thoughts. "It's not just about the work, Mulder. I mean, that's important, but I couldn't and wouldn't do it without you there with me. I can't believe you are this dense, Mulder! Don't you get it? It's not about me or you, or the work. It's about us. Together. Taking on the world." Once again, Scully's voice had risen to a level somewhere above a shout, and she could no longer hold back either tears or words. She found that both were flowing freely as she found herself speaking what was in her heart, regardless of the consequences. "It stopped being about us as individuals when you tried to kiss me in your hall, Mulder. That's when I knew that only when we were together that we were right. I love you, Mulder, and I have to know that you see me as an equal, not as a little girl who can't take care of herself." Mulder sat, stunned by the words Scully was throwing at him in breakneck speed. She rarely spoke her feelings, especially from the depths of her soul. He was so stunned to be a witness to these revelations that he almost missed exactly what she was saying. "You....love me?" Mulder asked quietly. Scully just nodded her head as she turned away from him on the couch. "Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Are you mad?" "Mad? No, Scully, hardly. I'm relieved." When Mulder saw the confusion in Scully's eyes, he knew that he had to explain. "Scully, look at me," Mulder said as he placed his hand under her chin so that she had to look him in the eye. "Scully, those are the words that I have been waiting to hear. When we were in my hall last summer, and I was trying to convince you to stay, I took a chance, the chance of my life, and decided to show you what was in my heart. So I decided to kiss you. Then all hell broke loose. Remember?" Mulder asked with a soft smile. Scully nodded and tried to blink back tears. "I had planned everything with that kiss. It was supposed to be perfect. To let you into my soul. To make you melt in my arms. Which you did, just not the way I had anticipated." That finally got a soft chuckle out of Scully. "But when my attempt at kissing you failed, I took that as a sign from the universe that the timing wasn't right. Or worse case scenario, you wouldn't have let me kiss you anyway. So, ever since, I've continued with the status quo. I thought that you would bring it up when the time was right for you. But since you never did, I just figured that you never wanted that kiss to happen in the first place." "No Mulder, that's not true! Since you never talked about it either, I thought that you changed your mind. That the kiss would have been a mistake. I never dreamed that you still felt that way." "Scully, I love you. I've tried to imagine what my life would be like if you went away again. I don't think that I could handle it this time. I think that is why I want to protect you. To keep you with me. Forever. I know that I have done something unforgiveable this time. The vial that I found is yours, and has been from the start. I gave it to the boys for safe keeping, but let me know, and I'll get it for you. I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me for trying to look out for you." "Mulder, I forgave you as soon as you left last night. I know that you do things you think are good for me, and I love you for that. But I'm a grown-up, and I think that I can decide things on my own. As for the vial, let the boys hang on to it-until I'm ready." "What are you going to do with it?" "I haven't decided. But I'm finally ready to consider what lies ahead for the future. A part of myself died along with Emily, and I thought that would be the end. I'm so glad that one day I'll be able to have my own child, to actually be able to leave a legacy behind after I'm gone. That's what's important to me. To know that Dana Scully isn't the end. That she will leave and indelible mark upon the earth. And, as for you...I think that we have discussed this long enough. I'm not angry anymore, and yes...you are forgiven. It's been a long night, and I think that I need to go home and get some sleep." Mulder nodded his head in understanding. "Before you go, there is something that I want to give you." "What?" "I'll walk you out, and you'll see. Come on." Mulder gathered up Scully's coat off the back of the couch and walked her to the door. He opened it and followed her out into the hall. He shut the door behind them and stopped. "What is it, Mulder?" "I just wanted to let you know that when you are ready to fulfill your legacy, I will be there with you every step of the way. I want to help you create your legacy." "Mulder, do you realize what you are saying. I don't want you to feel obligated in any of this because you feel guilty." "Scully, yes I realize what I'm saying. And if I do ever bring a child into this world, it could never be with anyone but you. And I don't feel obligated. I feel blessed for being allowed to share your life with you. Now go home, you have a lot to think about. But first, I did want to give you something." With that, Mulder gently put his arms behind Scully's neck and drew her lips together to meet his. This time, there was nothing to come between them. The kiss began gentle and sweet, and grew as it awakened a passion that they had just discovered lied between them. Relunctantly, Mulder drew away, leaving an awed Scully staring at him. "Go home and think now. I'll call you in the morning. And remember I'm always here when you need me. I won't push you away, I promise." And with that Scully found her way home, and eventually into her own bed, where she dreamed happily of the future legacy that she and Mulder would create. Together. THE END!