From: "Glass November" Date: Thu, 31 Oct 2002 00:01:43 +0000 Subject: Let Not Light See, by Glass November Source: direct TITLE: Let Not Light See AUTHOR: Glass November (glass_november@hotmail.com) RATING: PG SUMMARY: To love he sacrificed the only reason she loved him. CATEGORY: VA KEYWORDS: Hm . . . maybe Mulder/Scully romance, but I can't really think of any that would fit. DISCLAIMER: Ah . . . no. Shall I go into more detail? I think not. AUTHOR's NOTES: Feedback is good, as always, and I promise a reply. The title is from a quote from (and by) Shakespeare's MacBeth. Lastly, this is for Shane cos he's the best Grim Reaper, pitchfork and all . . . "Now baby stands alone tonight Baby grasps for the love he might Rejected, dejected Let down on everything he expected . . . " - Angelfish, "Heartbreak to Hate" *********************************************************************** She has thought about death before, many times. Hers, and his. And what it would mean, giving up. She had tried to push it away, to delay its inevitability. And now she is praying for it. Not because she wants to be released, to be free, to surrender from life, but because she wants to be released from him and from his weakness. She watches him coolly, impassively. He lies in the bed, his thin form barely moving as he breathes slowly. In and out. In and out. Living. His dark hair, matted with sweat, curls over his forehead, above his closed eyes. The white knit blanket that covers him makes him look paler, more translucent. She remembers the way he used to be, so strong and resilient. Beautiful and alone. Strength, a Portrait. None of that strength remains anymore. None is present tonight, and that is all that matters. She remembers when she loved him, when she was in love with his stubbornness, his inability to surrender, his relentless belief that he was right. When she was loved him for his quest and for the strength he had, that he never showed to her. She loved him because he was gentle to her, as gentle as he could be. And when he would break, his rage was beautiful. Even the fear she felt on those nights would be sweet, tinted with possession and victory. She remembers the tears that he would dry as he apologized, when she wanted to tell him no, that she loved it. Never stop. She remembers everything that she could have told him. Never leave me. Please touch me. You are beautiful. I love the way you speak to me. Thank you. I love you. She remembers when she said those words. Midnight at her house, drinking wine on the couch. She remembers the look on his face, the trust and the gratefulness. The way she knew that she had fulfilled everything that he wanted. She remembers hating it, wanting the open and thankful look on his face to go away. Wanting him to be strong for her again, to stop showing this weakness and this emotion, even as it was what she needed to move on. What they both needed. She had hoped that things wouldn't change, that he would remain beautiful and distanced, untouched, even as she had known they hadn't. The reasons she loved him, for his strength and his resistance, would never survive his love. His way of love. Because he thought that love was togetherness and feeling and sharing. His love was weak, and she hated it. She never told him. To love he had sacrificed what she had loved him for. And she had never forgiven him. She put up with his ideals. She watched as he slowly abandoned his quest, his life, to be with her, to spend his life loving her instead. She watched as he let his morals, his reasons, die. She watched as he traded his strength for his future. She supported him, but she never loved him. And then fate intervened, and darkness came, and he was sick. She remembers how he supported her when she was ill, when she was dying. And now they have reversed. She hates being strong, and she hates him for forcing her. She wishes that he would die, because now that she has seen his weakness, she will never love him again, as she hasn't for years. But she will not harm him. She will not commit his final act of weakness, will not bring about his final flaw. That would be unbearable. Instead, he breathes, and she curses each breath. Forever.