All characters are based on Chris Carter's "The X-Files".  No copyright
infringement is intended.

The Letter
Mary Nicosia
(Dakovny@aol.com)
1/16/95

    Fox Mulder sat at his kitchen table looking down at the blank sheet of
paper in front of him.  He tried to sort out all that he wanted to say to
her without making it sound like his vocabulary consisted only of old,
used-up cliches.  For the longest while he just sat there replaying scenes
from the evening before over and over in his head.
    "Well, aren't you going to say anything at all?"  Dana asked and
suddenly she was sure that letting Mulder know how she felt about him was
going to turn out to be the worst mistake of her life.
    "Well, what do you expect me to say?  You think you're in love with me,
what am I supposed to say?"
    "Tell me how you feel Fox."
    "How I feel?  I feel like someone just hit me in the stomach and
knocked the air out of me.  I feel like someone just dropped the bomb."
He knew that this was not what she wanted to hear.  He knew that she wanted
to hear that he felt the same.  He did, but it was wrong.  It had to be.
They were partners, damn it.  This was not how it worked.
    "You know very well that that is not what I mean."
    "Well, what do you mean Scully?  You and I have been working together
for years and now you decide you're in love with me and you expect me to
just say, 'Oh, Dana, I love you, too,' and then just go on with life as we
used to know it?  I don't think you realize what you're doing by standing
there and saying that to me."
    Scully glared at Mulder and said quietly, "I know very well what I'm
doing.  I believe that you and I were meant to be together as more than
just 'partners'.  I don't know what you're problem is Mulder.  If you
love me, just tell me.  It's not as hard as you think.  If you say you
don't love me, I will understand.  I won't push it, but I want you to
know that I know that you're in love with me, too."
    "Scully, I'm sorry.  I am not in love with you."  The silence that
followed was deafening.  He saw her chin start to quiver and he was sure
the tears were soon to follow.  Instead, she took a deep breath,
straightened her back and held her head even higher.  She looked so
beautiful.  He just wanted to hold her to him and whisper how sorry he
was for lying to her.
    "Fine, Mulder, if that's the way you want it.  I know that you're
leaving for Boston early tomorrow for that conference Skinner signed you
up for, so I won't keep you up any longer."  And with that Scully picked
up her things and was out the door before Mulder could speak.
    She sure has some nerve, he thought as he lay in bed trying to get at
least a little bit of rest.  It was useless, he had been tossing and
turning all night.  It was already 5:00 A.M. and he had to be up by
5:30 A.M.  She drops something like that on me and then tells me she's
leaving so that I can get some rest.  Cute.  What possessed her?   How
can she possibly think that everything can go back to normal now.
    She must know that I love her, too.
    "Shit."  Mulder got out of bed.  He needed to get this sorted out.
He walked to his desk and pulled out a pad of paper.
    Fox Mulder sat at his kitchen table and stared down at the blank sheet
of paper.  After a long while, he began to write....

    "My dearest Dana,...  God, that sounds so odd, doesn't it?  That I,
of all people, should be calling you 'dearest' and meaning it the way I do.
Especially after what happened earlier, after lying to you the way I did.
I truly do love you.  Always have, but, of course, you already knew that,
didn't you?  You knew and you were strong enough to come and tell me that.
I only wish I could have done the same for you.  Instead, I acted like a
complete ass.  But I'll bet you know why, too, don't you?  You know what
I've been through.  You know how afraid I am of losing those who are close
to me.  You are already such a big part of my life, if we get closer, and
then I lose you, how am I to survive?  How will I be able to live?  As it
is, I would die if I lost you.  What happens to me if we become even closer
and I lose you?
    You are all I have.
    While you're reading this, I'll be on a plane to Boston, if not already
there.  Know that you are all I'll be thinking about.  I'll come to you as
soon as I get back, until then, I need some time to think about this.  I
need to know if I can handle these feelings.  Not as your friend, not as
your partner, but as the man who loves you.
    
    Fox

    Mulder got out of his car, walked up to the building and used the
spare key that Scully had given him to get into the building.  He walked
to her apartment and resisted the urge to knock on her door.  How many
other times had he knocked on this very door in the middle of the night?
How many times had he needed her?  She had never let him down.  Now that
he needed to talk to her most, he had to rush off and go to this damned
conference.  He bent down, pushed the envelope under her door and walked
away.
    Scully woke up with tears still in her eyes and sobs still in her
throat.  She knew he felt the same.  She just knew it and she knew he was
afraid.  She also understood his fear.  That was the worst part of it.
She couldn't hate him.  She couldn't be mad at him.  She understood.
She walked toward the kitchen to make a pot of coffee.  She wasn't going
to go into work today.  She knew she looked like hell and knew she wouldn't
be able to make it through the day.  Something on the floor near her front
door caught her eye.  An envelope.  She picked it up.  Her name was
scrawled on one side in Mulder's hand.  She ripped it open.
    Mulder stopped his car in front of Scully's apartment.  The last couple
of days had been exhausting.  He couldn't get his mind off her, which made
it harder for him to concentrate on the conference.  He took a deep breath
and stepped out of the car.  He walked up to her apartment and knocked.
When she opened the door, he was leaning on one side of the doorframe with
his head down and a dozen roses in his other hand.
    "Hi, Dana."  He said in a hushed tone with his eyes downcast, and
handed her the flowers. She took them and stepped aside for him to walk in.
    "Sit down, Mulder."  She shut the door and followed him into the living
room.  She put the flowers down on the end table beside Mulder and sat down
opposite him.  Right away, Mulder began to speak.
    "Do you understand, now?  I don't know how this can work?  I-"
    "Fox."  Her voice silenced him and he looked up at her.  "I do know
that you love me.  I also know that you're afraid, but you can't live
without love, Mulder.  Even friendship isn't enough."
    Mulder looked down, refusing to look in her eyes.  "I know, but I've
been living."
    "No, you haven't. Waking up every morning, going to work, coming home,
fighting your demons until you finally fall asleep and starting all over
again is not living, Mulder."  She was leaning closer and closer to him as
she spoke.  "I don't know how we're going to do this, either, but I know
we have to try.  I can't not try."  Mulder got up, sat next to her and
took her hands in his.
    "I know.  I just can't figure this one out, Dana.  I want to be
everything you want me to be.  I want to try."  And with that he leaned
over and kissed her tenderly.

end