From: Megan Andres Date: Tue, 29 Feb 2000 11:42:26 -0800 (PST) Subject: submission Source: direct this is my series of stories called the letters series. i will leave it up to you if you want to combine them to save space. three will be sent with this email and another two will be sent with a second email submission. they go in this order: letter to fox, letter to samantha, letter to mom, letter to walter, and letter to my soul. TITLE: A LETTER TO FOX (1 OF 5) AUTHOR: SPENDERGIRL RATING: PG-13 SPOILERS: MEMENTO MORI, PILOT, ARCADIA SUMMARY: WHEN A WOMAN GOES THROUGH HER DEATH ALONE, WHAT WILL SHE WRITE TO THOSE LEFT BEHIND? A LETTER TO FOX My dearest Fox,     How odd that sounds. I used to say "Mulder not Fox." After six years of good memories and bad ones, I feel I should try to explain myself to you and tell you what I need to tell you.     Fox, when I first met you, I was incredibly struck by your glasses. There, I've finally said it. I thought you looked so sexy that I almost left the office to beg for a transfer. Not to run away but to have a chance to win your heart. Now I see that I've done that but in a different way. You may be wondering why I didn't tell you that my cancer had come back. The doctors were sure this time that I only had a few months left. I wanted to be selfish for once. I wanted to spend my last da ys with you without sharing them with the Syndicate.     Hopefully I've gotten what I wanted. I want you to know that I tried to save you later pain and guilt. But knowing you, you will still find some way to blame yourself for my death. Please don't. What happened four years ago was not your fault. What wi ll happen is also not your fault.     You're not the only one to receive a letter like this. My mother will receive one from the FBI upon my death. You will have gotten two. One of them is for someone special in your life. This one is for you and you alone. I also wrote one to Walter. Aft er all he's done for us, I needed to tell him something.     But what I told them is not what I am going to tell you. I want you to remember me but not as an obession to be hunted. In your mind I want to be your only love. That can't happen ever. It's just what I want.     When I told you about my cancer, you held me in your arms and let me cry. I needed that. So did you. I can now see what has driven your unending quest for your sister. Your love for her was so great that it was your protective blanket.     I can only hope that one day you will see that you no longer need that security blanket. Maybe then you can finally forgive your mother. Maybe you will be able to tell someone about what your father was. Fox, you think I don't know what he was like. G et with the program.     I know that he drank. I know that he screamed and hit and hated. I know that anytime he placed any blame it was always on you. I know that you can't sleep because you're afraid that he'll come in your dreams. You're afraid that you will remember all o f the awful things he did to you.     I know that Oxford led to Phobe but it also got you away from him. You've become a great man. Don't let his ghost haunt you by telling you you're not. Twenty-five years ago you lost your family. Six years ago you found a new one.     This new family has a mother, sister, brothers, and father figure. My mother will always be there for you Fox. Don't ever forget that. She honestly loves you as if you were her own. You know that loved you as only a best friend could. I loved you only as a sister could.     Only you would make three weirdos your surrogate brothers. You probably helped them as much as they helped you. Langly, Byers, and Frohike are always there for you Fox. As much as you distrust, dislike, and in general, disrespect Walter, he really car es. Who else could've learned his secret about the war?     As you can see, your family has become great. Don't forget where you came from but realize that that life is over. We love you. I love you. I want you to go on. If you leave the X-Files, then fine. Just live your life with the family that you have cre ated.     From the moment I first saw you Fox I knew that my life would be greatly changed. I never dreamt what my life would be like. I know that sometimes the bad outweighed the good but it never changed how I felt about you. I loved you. Dana