From: Megan Andres Date: Tue, 29 Feb 2000 11:44:55 -0800 (PST) Subject: submission part 2 Source: direct TITLE: A LETTER TO WALTER (4 of 5) AUTHOR: SPENDERGIRL RATING: PG SPOILERS: PILOT, AVATAR, GESTHEMENE, TRIANGLE, SR 819 SUMMARY: WHEN A WOMAN GOES THROUGH DEATH ALONE, WHAT WILL SHE WRITE TO THOSE LEFT BEHIND? DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN SKINNER, SCULLY, MULDER, MAGGIE, OR MELISSA. ENJOY! A Letter to Walter Sir:     I began my "glorious" career as a med student. Early on, I knew that being a doctor was not enough. Upon my graduation from medical school, I went to Quantico. There I was top in my classes and graduated a pathologist. I then taught for two years. I t aught students who were barely younger than me.     I didn't really have a problem with that. I could handle anything at that time. Or at least I thought I could. When I was first reassigned, I had qualms about "debunking" any agent. I had always thought that partners were to trust each other without f ear of being watched.     I allowed Chief Blevins and who I now know as CGB Spender to convince me otherwise. I was young and inexperienced then. I fought my own conscience and lost. For almost two years I continued to spy on Mulder for Blevins. I wish I could go back and chan ge that.     You may be wondering what changed my mind. What made me think I was safe enough to break away without fear of revenge. I'm not sure why I thought I could. Maybe it had something to do with my abduction or maybe I thought Mulder could keep them away. M aybe I still thought you could protect us.     When you called upon us for help during your "criminal" period, I was proud. The fact that you trusted us enough to defend you from murder charges was amazing. I had always thought that you saw as thorns in your side. It was around that time that I be gan to doubt so many things.     One of those things was you. I began to doubt you. I felt that I couldn't trust you. By the time I was given a chance to report to committee on my fears of corruption, I was dying of cancer. I knew that if I died without naming the spy Mulder would ne ver be safe. I was going to name you.     I could tell that you knew that. When I got up to name you, you also arose from your seat. The look in your eyes begged me not to do something I would later regret. I guess it was lucky that I collapsed when I did. I want to thank you for catching me when I fell. I didn't just fall physically but also mentally. Thank you for saving me.     Even after it had become apparent that Blevins was the spy, I still couldn't trust you. I'll bet that's a surprise to you. I managed to hide it well I think. I saw you as a man who had betrayed us. When Mulder disappeared in Bermuda, I came to you for help.     You told me that you couldn't help me. That you weren't allowed to help me. I felt then that I had been right to think you were untrustworthy. I felt you had betrayed us. I was going to blame you for anything that happened to Mulder. I was prepared to go it alone.     I was so desparate to find Mulder that I even went to Spender. I needed to find him. I never expected you to show up with the data that I was searching for. You were probably shocked about what I did. I'm sorry that I got carried away.     I was terrified when Mulder called me about you. I debated about wether or not to call an ambulance. I eventually came on my own trusting that Mulder wouldn't make a huge mistake. I'll be honest with you. I tried everything to help you. It soon became apparent that no one could stop the carbon from killing you.     The hospital called me before you woke up. I was already on my way there. Within minutes I found out that you had specified me as your medical contact. I'm not sure why you did that. I'd like to think that it's because you trusted me enough. I'm glad you made it through okay.     I never thought I would be proud to say that a person I knew had survived death twice. Surprise, surprise. I began my career with Mulder by trusting you. I ran the gambit when I chose to ignore your help and faith. I almost ended my life thinking I co uldn't trust you. Now I trust you enough to pass Mulder on to you.     Don't sit there and say "oh shit." He's not that bad. I can't keep him safe anymore. I pass that duty and right on to you. He's not capable of trusting anyone. But I do know that he trusts you. I thank you for your support and guidance through these s ix years. I thank you for being our friend. I thank you for your trust. I wish I had given you mine sooner. Special Agent Scully