From: "REBECCA ROCHA" Date: Thursday, May 18, 2000 12:51 AM Subject: New "Letting Go" an XF/Buffy/Angel crossover Title: Letting Go Author: Rebecca Rocha Date: 05/05/00 Disclaimer: Well, they're certainly not mine! Rating: Nc17 w/rape (Non XF Character) Everybody wants to sleep with everybody else! : ) Summary: X-files, Buffy, and Angel crossover. Spoilers, up to Amour Fati, I guess. Spoilers for Angel up to Faith's return and the subsequent fallout, but *not* Oz's return. Characters: Buffy-the slayer! Willow-the witch. Angel-the vampire with a human soul! Also Buffy's ex-boyfriend. Adam-the top secret human/demon cyborg. Mulder-the FBI agent. Scully-Mulder's partner. AD Skinner- Mulder and Scully's boss. Riley-Buffy's new boyfriend Oz-Willow's ex-boyfriend/werewolf! Tara-Willows new "friend". Giles-Buffy's watcher. Cordelia and Wesley- old Buffy cast members who now help Angel on his show! Letting Go I am. I am pain. I am a tree, bent under the weight of the wind but too supple to snap. I want to break, I want to give in to the roaring pain that has become my existence, but I simply don't have the energy. I am in a hospital; I don't know which one. I feel like I have been hit by a freight train. Maybe I have? I am operating on a lower level of consciousness; some part of me is processing my surroundings: the endless parade of doctors, my mother's grim face, and angry disembodied voices only half-recognized. I only know pain, consciousness, pain, and blood drenched dreams. The only thing that comes close to quieting the roaring in my head is the wretched bliss of narcotics. When it comes my mind expands beyond the jagged boundaries of my consciousness, and I try to put the pieces of my life back into a coherent picture. I try to remember...My family, my friends, me. Half the time I can't even remember my own name, much less the names that haunt my dreams, the names I silently scream. I think I will sleep now... Sometime later I hear voices rising and falling, they gently rouse me from my dreams, I hate dreams, all I see are faces, and blood, so much blood...my blood. I hear Mother, but I do not recognize the other. I try to open my eyes and one complies, sort of, the other one feels like it has been sealed with hot lead. He is blurry. He bends closer, and I see his eyes. They are green. Shock and dismay are carefully hidden behind his gentle demeanor; I can also see that he is concerned for me, though I am not sure why. I try to smile...bad idea, pain screams across my face. He grabs my hand, and there is a moment of connection, instant, electric...indescribable. I have always been a good judge of character on an intuitive level, but this...this is new. I get a sense of the inner being, and to my surprise find a kindred spirit. He has the same latent psychic abilities, but he is totally unaware of them. He wants to find who has done this to me. He is speaking; his name is Mulder, FBI. But what I am hearing is flowing out of him in waves, and has nothing to do with what he is saying. He thinks that whatever did this was not human.(NO, NO, NO, NO) My thoughts shy away from that idea. There are some things I just am not ready to face. I see a small child with long dark hair, He sees her when he looks at me. There are other people that are close to his heart, a redhead in particular(my hair used to be red, I think), but the little girl keeps everyone else at a distance. I wonder who she is (Samantha?). He is lonely, and I wonder why he doesn't reach out to the redhead, but his emotions are complex, and tangled, and I am way out of my depth. I can sense that he is surrounded by great evil, the nature of which is unclear to me. He is asking me questions trying to force me to remember, but I can't (won't, never, never!). My mother has had enough; she is asking him to leave. I do not want that; he is nice. His voice is gentle; it calms and soothes me. His sympathetic spirit calms the screaming that is still going on inside me. I beg him with my one good eye, but he cannot understand my eyespeak. He leaves, but with a promise to return. So I am forced to be content... Over the next week he does return, a couple of times. The freight train of pain recedes into the distance, and I am now only feeling like I was run over by an eighteen wheeler. The doctors say that though I will be permanently disfigured, I am healing much, much faster than expected and in a few weeks I can leave. I only feel confused. I don't want to leave. This room has become my only home, and Mulder my only friend. He is nice, and even though he tries to make me remember, I enjoy his visits. My mother is protective (Ashamed!). It is from her that I can sense how truly hideous I must look. Every time she looks away, every grim look, impresses it deeper into my brain. I begin to think that these new senses will drive me crazy. It is not enough that I have to see the revulsion in people's faces, now I get to feel it every time they touch me. Everyone has this monstrous idea about what did this to me, especially Mulder. I know what did this to me had to be human, his hands and teeth left tracks of his passage all over my body. He also carved...something...into my belly. Mulder was very interested in that, and I let him see it, if only to appease him for a little while. To tell the truth I really don't want to examine myself to closely, it brings my memories painfully close to the surface. Besides, no one will let me within 50 feet of a mirror anyway... The next week They still will not let me see my face, my friends, or anyone else. Even Mulder has stopped coming by. Maybe he has given up; I have. It is so depressing to just lay here all day with nothing to do but think. I have thought and thought, and tried to keep my brain from skittering off towards that night but sometimes my vigilance slips, and a tiny sliver...yellow teeth, clothes ripping, a voice cold and dead, "You should be honored, for you are my first!" (No, No, NOOOO, Oh please GOD!)...slips through and I panic. The first time it happened, I was half-asleep and a doctor leaned in to check my bandages. His face was a blur and for a moment I thought...It's him!! My reflexes took over and I began to fight, ripping needles out of my arm as I went. I heard a high keening wailing sound, and only later did I realize that it was me. It took them an hour to convince me I wasn't being attacked again, and then only after they had pumped me full of God knows what. I am growing restless, and even though I don't want to leave the protection of the hospital, I know there is someone I need to talk to, someone not Mulder. But I can't remember whom. All I know is that I can feel time growing short, and this person (she, it's a she) needs to be warned of this new danger. I knew something was wrong, now I know what. Mulder is gone. The redhead, the one I saw near his heart, is here. So is another man, by his demeanor, I take it he is over them, and not very happy. The redhead is Mulder's partner, Agent Scully, and the older man *is* their boss, Assistant Director Skinner. I get the feeling that he is pretty important, though I know nothing about the FBI chain of command. I am impressed that he would come. I have gotten used to the shocked saddened faces of those that see me for the first time, but it still hurts. AD Skinner was a look-away-and-frowner. Agent Scully though, she was a direct-confronter. As I return her frank stare, I wonder what kind of things she has seen, because I don't seem to faze her very much. She smiles warmly, and I can see a trace of empathy in her eyes. Still the warm face she wears is just a mask. Her insides are crawling with worry over her partner; I don't have to touch her to see that. They also want me to remember, and though they are nice they are a lot more forceful than Mulder. I try to tell them that I don't want to remember. I can hear their desperation, and I feel ashamed. I don't think I can allow myself to be the reason that monster hurts anyone else, and yes, human or otherwise he was a monster. But God help me, I don't want to think anymore about it. I ask if Skinner can leave, what I have to do I can't do in front of him. He departed which left me alone with Scully and my own fear. Slowly I lift the sheet off of my stomach, and only then does her face really blanch as she realizes the full scale of the devastation that has been wreaked upon my body. I tell her how Mulder had become interested in the markings, and had said that he thought they might be more than just random slashes and right after that was when he disappeared. I see tears prick her eyes, and I feel a corresponding wetness began to form. She reaches out and lightly brushes my arm...it is instantaneous...a flood of loss, guilt, love, and anger floods through my mind with such strength as to obliterate all else. I see a light, blinding, and radiant; I feel her fear like a white-hot lance stab through me. I see a face, inhuman, and feel her mind jerked away from the site...Ah, we do have something in common... I see a hospital, very similar to this one, and feel it as she felt the sting of mortality...I saw a girl, young, pretty, hers. She was dead. I feel what she felt as she opened a tiny coffin to find nothing but graveyard dirt. Even in death, this woman had been robbed of her daughter. I feel the grief and torment that life has brought her. So much grief...and yet, in the midst of it all she has found something, worth fighting for. It is so simple, yet so wonderful; that it fills her, and suffuses all that she does with meaning and beauty. She fights for life, her life, Mulder's and everybody else's. The scope of the evil she battles makes my fear pale in comparison. I understand now why it was so important to find Mulder. I know what it is like to fight for something higher than yourself; Her memories unlock many of my own, and I know that my fear will be meaningless if I face it...As soon as the thought comes a face rises in my "mind's eye", his Frankenstein features cause Scully to gasp but she holds on pushing us both back, back to that night. I hadn't even realized that she was receiving my thoughts. We are tumbling through this together. Despite her fear, she quickly takes control, and without even realizing how, I was back on that dusky, cool, wooded, path. I was thinking of Oz; how he had broken my heart when he left, and what would happen if he suddenly came back. My thoughts lately had been drifting more and more in Tara's direction, though I wasn't really ready to put what we shared into any coherent picture. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I didn't notice the sepulchral calm that had come over the woods. Only when the dead quiet was interrupted by heavy footfalls did I realize my danger. It was too late; He was on me before I could react. He was dragging me off the path, chanting something in a language so horrible... My mind closed itself down at this point. I push Scully out of my head with so much force she falls backwards. She is pale and trembling, her hair standing out shocking red against her ashen face. I heard her gasp as she speaks a single word torn from my own lips," ADAM!" I fainted. Later Scully has gone but she did not leave me alone. Her boss is here. I do not know what she has told him of our psychic encounter. He sits quietly by my side lost in his own thoughts. He does not know that I am awake. I see in him the private torment of a closely guarded man. His face is twisted into a rictus of worry. I wonder if his worry is for Mulder, Scully, or both. I am curious if his worry is in equal measures or if his worry for one outweighs another. I marvel at how the hard lines of his face are softened when he thinks no one is watching. His eyes, at first so hard that my first impression was granite, have softened into sepia pools filled with unfulfilled longing. For the first time since my new abilities have surfaced I take action. My own hand reaches out and gently caresses the back of his strong, weathered hand. A hand that no amount of manicuring can completely tame...This time I make a conscious effort to control my descent into his mind, as a result the transition is not so disorienting. I am standing on the edge of a great sea in a storm. Pain, anger, guilt and self-loathing storm upon the shore, but off a little distance from the sea the sun is shining, and the air is calm. I head toward that spot...as I walk I get flashes of who this man was, is, and could be. I experienced the Vietnam War through the strobed images of a boy who lost sight of what he was fighting for. I see the mistakes, and the horrible decisions that shaped the man to come. I see him rising from his own body, and his silent scream as the cold vinyl body bag was zipped over his face. I see college, Quantico, and his wife, whom he loved so dearly. I see him bottle up as his new career began to demand more shades of gray from his black and white persona. I see his marriage choke and wither. I see the dark forces that worked in this man's life. My own heart breaks as I see what they had forced from him. Skinner was dirty, black with the grime that had been forced upon him. He was capable of far darker acts than I would have imagined...through it all though, shone the light that radiated from the calm center of his being. It' s light was the good inside of him that he grasped at when the darkness threatened to overwhelm him. ...It was Scully. As I drew near I saw that the light was shining from her, and he was there too, a younger happier Skinner with his arms thrown loosely around her. I understand that this is not real, but his ideal, and his salvation. He has always been a part of the evil that he felt threatened our world. He had tried to get out, and almost succeeded, but for her, he dove in head first, and never looked back. With one terrible decision he had damned himself and bought her life, yet he could never tell her...he reminded me of Angel. ...The thought of Angel broke the link. Skinner was staring blankly at the wall. Unlike Scully, Skinner was unaware that I now knew more about him than he was probably willing to admit to himself. I try to speak, to will away his pain, but I can not... I can only sigh. His head turns toward mine, and his eyes confirmed everything I had just experienced. They reflected the unbridled yearning I had felt at the outskirts of his happy haven. If only Agent Scully could see... AD Skinner's eyes flicked toward the door and his body tenses, just as the door comes smashing inward. He jumps to his feet drawing his gun, but I turn slowly, peacefully, toward the door. Perhaps I am still hyper-aware, or maybe I just know the sound of her entrance, but I can tell it isn't Adam; it is only Buffy... "Willow, are you..." her voice trails away as she gets her first good look at me. Angel slips in behind her, his eyes widening with shock as they meet mine. "Please," I rasp, "don't let anyone else see me!" "HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD, TURN AND FACE THE WALL!!!" Skinner bellows. I try to grab his sleeve; "These are my friends!" "Friends don't have to bust in doors when they want to visit!" he says as his eye hold theirs in an unwavering gaze. "Mine do; my mother wouldn't let them see me," I said gently. "They're here to help." His eyes flicked toward mine, and I held them with certainty. Buffy takes a small step towards Skinner, he tightens the grip on his gun, "I don't care who you are, or what you think! Right now all I want to see is you two up against that wall!" "We know what Adam wants from her, and we can stop it," Angel says calmly. Skinner's gun lowers slightly. His flinty eyes grow curious. "My other agent, Scully, she mentioned someone named Adam, though she was vague about where she had gotten the information. What do you know?" Buffy and Angel exchange a knowing glance. They have no intention of telling him the truth. "Buffy," I rasp with my sandpaper throat, "please, just tell him!" Buffy looked at me incredulously. "What? Do you *want* him to shoot me?" Her body tenses. "Besides," said Buffy, "I've never let a pesky little thing like a gun stop me." with that said Buffy hit Skinner with a perfectly timed roundhouse kick, knocking him out cold. "No, "I plead "Don't hurt him! We need to find Scully!" Buffy shook her head. "Willow, honey, it's OK. We are gonna get you out of here, and make you better." "Make me better? But, how?" Angel gently lifts me from the bed, as Buffy disengages all the wires and needles. "We found out what kind of ceremony Adam was trying to perform, and why. If we complete it, you will be healed." "Yeah," Buffy breaks in, her face grim, her voice ironic. "He wasn't trying to hurt you, he was trying to..." "...Make a baby," I finish. Buffy only nods. "OK, we go," I concede, "but we take Skinner and Scully with us!" Angel shook his head, his dark eyebrows knitting into a troubled frown. Curiously, I couldn't read him. "What if they see Adam, or me, for that matter. They won't understand. Plus, it might bring a certain amount of unwanted attention to us all..." Skinner, who had been momentarily forgotten came roaring to life, as he tackled Angel (and me) knocking us all to the ground. He went down pummeling Angel's face as we fell. He froze mid-punch, as with a growl, Angel threw him all the way across the room. Angel jumped to his feet, with every intention of tearing Skinner limb from limb. Buffy muscles him away, as Skinner, terrified and hurt, tried once again to stand. "I can't," he gasped, "just let you...take her!" I could hear footsteps pounding down the corridor. Angel turned and picked me up. No wonder Skinner had been so terrified! His punches had brought Angel's vampire half to the surface! His eyes glowed with a terrible orange light, his forehead was a demonic caricature of his noble good looks. There was a time when this face haunted my nightmares, but after Adam, it had lost it's power to frighten me. I touch his cheek; my light touch seems to arrest his attention more than my pleading had. "No," I said, with my now peculiar half faced smile, "You don't understand. I think Adam may have Agent Scully' s partner! They cared about me when everyone else just took care of me, and now they need our help!" Buffy touched my arm. I could feel her feelings pulling at me like a strong current. "You're sure?" I nodded unable to speak under the weight of her emotions. Seeing Angel again after their time apart had thrown her into turmoil. "OK" She turned and helped Skinner back to his feet. "You have a car?" He nodded. "Good, get that Agent Scully and meet us out front. You have 2 minutes." He looked from me to Buffy and then to Angel. He was sizing them up, preparing to attack again. Buffy looked at her watch. "A minute and a half!" "Go!" I said, and finally he did. A Minute and a half later Angel gently placed me in the back of a waiting sedan. Scully was in the front. I have no idea what Skinner must have said to get her to agree to this. She looked tense but, thankfully, kept quiet. I was in pain, with only a trace of my painkillers in my system, but I was finally beginning to have hope that everything would be OK. Angel held me gently, but firmly, Buffy stroked my back, and Scully watched me with clinical concern. Only Skinner concentrated on the road. Grim faced he followed Buffy's instructions, until we finally stopped. Buffy had brought us to the edge of the forest and to the very same path where my fate had brutally collided with Adam's. We get out of the car and head a short way into the woods, only then did my fear return... "Buffy? Why are we here?" She did not look at me. "Angel? What's going on?!" He too was silent. "Guys," I rasped, "what's going on?!?" Scully finally broke the silence, "I know you two are her friends but you are only going to hurt her more if you don't let us take her back to the hospital.." she began cautiously, shooting Skinner a questioning look. "I don't see how bringing her out here is going to help her." Buffy looked the diminutive redhead up and down, sizing her up. "It's OK," I said, "You can tell her everything." I tried to smile again, but it was beginning to hurt too much. "Agent Scully has seen stranger stuff than what Sunnydale has to offer." AD Skinner gave Scully a strange look; Scully shrugged. "Look," I tried once more to break through the cautiousness that had become second nature to us all. "I don't have much strength left. Buffy, Angel, I know you guys are having a hard time with this, but please...trust me! They can help." Buffy nodded slowly, "OK, Will, It's your call." She sighed, glanced nervously at Angel, then began...She told how Mulder had spoken to Giles when he had found out that Giles was the local expert on the occult. Mulder had shown him the picture of the markings, and Giles had researched until he found a link between that marking and a fertility ritual. She spoke of how they had all tried to see me. She told how she and Riley had tried to catch Adam, and how they had failed. They had called in Angel and had tried, and failed again. I could see from her tightly drawn face that the last few weeks had been a tremendous strain, both physically and personally. I could also see that Scully and Skinner, despite what they had seen, weren't buying much of it... "So you mean to say that this *creature* was trying to perform a fertility ritual!?!" Skinner asked incredulously. "...And you're also saying that he was using magic?" Interjected Scully." Where are you kid's parents?" Scully asked with a slightly dismissive tone. " I can agree that there was a rape, but a part human, part demon, part machine monster? Come on!" Skinner touched Scully's shoulder lightly, "I've heard of stranger things." The look on his face spoke of pain on a scale that few have experienced. He glanced at Angel. (Welcome to the Scooby Gang, I thought) That seemed to give Scully pause; her eyes misted a little and she nodded. "Welcome to the wonderful world of high technology," she mumbled under her breath, then she gazed unflinchingly into his inky eyes, and said with conviction, "Walt...um, Sir, you are not a monster." Skinner's face snapped taught as his rigid control slammed down. "How, how did you know!" he stammered. Scully's hand slid gently down his arm, to clasp his own in her small one. She smiled. "Mulder talks in sleep." I thought Skinner was about to have a coronary. Jealousy and curiosity in equal measures showed in his face, but she just smiled into his chocolate eyes, squeezed his hand and turned to Buffy. "I don't know about the whole demonic angle that you two have taken, but if you can help Willow, then let' s do it." Buffy was staring blankly at the pair, totally lost by their exchange, "Um, OK, but I want to make it clear...You can't interfere with us once we start the ceremony. That's what we think happened the first time, and we can all see that the results are none to pretty!" Angel looked tense, which was not a good sign! Moody, depressed, angry, those were Angel's approved looks, not tense...not afraid. "What do we have to do?" I asked. "We have to finish the ceremony," He said quietly. "But the ceremony included Adam....and sex...Oh no!" He took a step towards me, Buffy looked away." No Angel, you can't!" I pleaded; my voice was beginning to crack. Buffy, with tears beginning to fall from her baby blue eyes, began to chant the same horrible, unintelligible words from that night. "Will, trust me. We have to try and recreate the ceremony that Adam preformed. I would never hurt you..." His voice was like silk. "Ha! I said in triumph, " That's not true! You've tried to eat me before!! Scully stepped in front of Angel, her rational scientific side had obviously reasserted itself. "Wait a minute! What *exactly* are you planning to do with her, and what does she mean by saying you tried to *eat* her?" Angels eyes were already beginning to glaze over, Buffy's chanting was having a hypnotic effect on me too. "Stand aside!" he growled at Scully, only to be confronted by her gun. "I will not!" she said firmly. "I went along with this, on Skinner's belief that you could help Willow, but now I think I want a second opinion..." He pushed her aside, lightly for him, but it sent her flying. She hit the tree with a sickening thud. Skinner was on him in an instant. To his credit, he landed a few good punches. A regular man may have had to pay a visit to the hospital, but Angel was no regular man. In an instant Skinner took his place laid out beside Scully. I now had nowhere to run. Angel approached slipping his arms lightly around me. A small shudder ran through him, I realized that it was revulsion. I thought it was for me, and I began to cry. "Shhh," he crooned. The demon in him was close to the surface. I began to get a feel for the emotions inside him as his soul fought for dominance with his darker half. "Willow," he sighed, and his lips were on mine. He was much warmer than I expected; his body was tense, taught, and wonderfully hard. Buffy's chanting was beginning to block out all thoughts of my pain, inhibitions or anything else. As he kissed me, I felt the planes of his face change; his teeth grew sharp against mine his eyes glittered yellow, and dangerous. His hands slid over my body with sensuousness borne of 250 years of experience. I felt my own breaths grow short as his hands and Buffy's voice carried me to a place beyond my body. His kiss deepened and grew more erotic...and suddenly I was kissing air. His body went flying to land by the now conscious FBI Agents. Two rough hands grabbed me, and that cold dead voice, that had haunted my nightmares slithered into my ear. "Ah, my sweet...are you trying to finish what we started without me?" I backed away, looking for Buffy, but she was lying in an unconscious heap on the ground! "NO!" I wailed, and thrashed against him, to no avail. I hadn 't the strength to fight him, and I began to cry from my one good eye. He only laughed. "I thought you wanted to help find Agent Mulder? It looks to me like you would have let him die while you screwed that abomination that calls itself a vampire." "No," I said, begging, defying, pleading, and denying, all in one breath. The word became my mantra. "No, no, no...please...please, oh no...God NOOOO!" My voice became lost in the keening wail that was tearing from my throat. "Oh, YES!!" He roared. "Yes, yes!! You are *my* chosen, and I will complete what I have started!" His emotions overwhelmed me, short-circuiting my brain for a while. I could feel only his smug superiority, his hatred for mankind, and the strange sick approximation of feeling that the computer half of him had labeled his *love* for me. I kicked and struggled, but in the end I only blacked out... I no longer know where I am. He has taken me deep into the old woods. I know we are surrounded by various species of demons. I can hear them chanting in the distance. My clothes are gone, and the night air has caused my nipples to become painfully erect. Adam is here too. I can see his body, pieced together, as if by a child. But I know he is more cunningly made than that. He is also an anatomically correct cyborg. His penis stands hard and erect, like every cliched romance novel's description of the object of desire's *throbbing, hot, love member*. I am not sure what I should do anymore, running, screaming, fighting...it is all so meaningless here. The demonic chanting gets under my skin, and dulls my sense of danger. When he comes to me I am compliant. My mind is relaxed. It can't be such a bad thing that he is taking me in his misshapen arms, can it? He does love me in his own way, so how can it be that bad? As he settles me over his lap, my mind suddenly snaps back to crystal focus. A primal scream rips from my torn lips. He is tearing me apart!!! No human female is made for someone like this; each stroke rips me in two. The demons chanting changes pitch and tempo to keep up with his pace. I get lost in it trying to forget what is now happening to my body. I feel the music behind the words and follow it on silken strands of sound. I am being jackhammered from below, and to my horror, I can feel a small knot of pleasure forming between my legs. I shut my eyes and concentrate on the music, and I feel my skin begin to shed like the dry crusty layers of an onion. I am no longer flesh, I am only muscle and sinew. The knot of pleasure begins to expand like liquid smoke seeping into all parts of me...I am beginning to lose form. I hear soft deep groaning enter into the music and I realize it is my own. I am making my own music, and it is turning into light. I never knew sex could be like this...but ...this isn 't sex, this is violation...I can't be feeling pleasure!!! My mind crashes back into my body, and the music stops, there is only Adam pumping me with animalistic abandon. I cry out, twisting my head in shame...I see him, Mulder, FBI. He is tied to a tree. He has been beaten but he is alive, and his eyes shine with compassion, empathy and pain. I hold his eyes with mine, and concentrate hard...The music is back, as is the light...I am no longer human, I am light and it is me, the colors move to the rhythms of the earth, I am, I am Willow! I am in front of Mulder now; I am the firelight reflected in his eyes. I am the reflection of his tears. I enter his mind, and we become the light together... We were alone, Mulder and I. The room we are in is unfamiliar to me, but Mulder seems comfortable. I am straddling him, and he is inside me. His movements are slow, gentle, and exquisite. I look up and see us reflected in the mirrors on the ceiling. It is only then that I realize I am not me. I am looking into Scully's eyes; it is Scully's skin that he touches her that he is thinking of. I look deep into his eyes, and touch him gently with my mind. //'I am not her'// He smiles and runs his hand firmly up and down my/her back. //'I know, but I was here when you came'// His hand grips my buttocks as he thrusts deep inside me. The pleasure was an explosion. The sounds of my pleasure echoes in her/my head. //' Can I stay?'// He laughs and a thousand tinkling bells sound in my head as his laughter splinters into the light. //'Of course! It's not everyday a man gets kidnapped, beaten, forced to watch helplessly while someone he cares about gets hurt. Then gets caught with his pants down when he tries to escape to the one place no one has ever been able to touch...'// His tone is ironic, but his eyes are gentle. He gives a playful conciliatory thrust with his hips. I can't help but smile. //'But this isn't real, you two have never really done this.'// //'NO! I wish, but no.'// I nod, and smile wiggling my hips against his, and tossing my/her red hair back out of my eyes. He grows thoughtful, his rhythmic movements slow a little. //'How did you know that we never have...?'// If we had been in our bodies, this wouldn't have been an issue, but the image of Skinner flashes through my consciousness before I can stop it. Mulder thrusts again, only this time with his mind, and the bed vanishes and we are standing inside the warm light of Skinner's private haven. //What is this place?'// he demands. Scully/Me shrugged, //'This is Skinner's.'// He looks around like a man waking from a dream, then he sees them. They are walking in the fairy tale light, hand in hand. I put my hand on his arm. //'This is Skinner's just like the bedroom was yours. It is his place that no one can touch.'// Mulder turns away. //I should have known he loved her. No one would do the things he has done if they didn't.'// I could hear the tears in his voice.// 'I know.'// I said. He looks into my/her face with such longing. //'Does she love him too?'// //'My experience with her was different, I did not see anything specific, but if you want to know what I think; I think she loves you both.'// I open up to him as far as I can; I let him see my memories of them, my first impressions, my own opinions, and my own life. He gasps as he sees Oz turn, from the gentle soul I loved to the wolf that I could never tame. He experiences my feelings for Tara, and puts a name to what I have been too timid to admit. He understands Buffy as I understand her: proud, self centered, fierce, noble, selfless, and like everyone else, flawed. He understands...He comprehends my fear of Angel mingled with respect and sympathy. Fear of his vampire half; respect for his quest for redemption, and sympathy, because like so many of us he is denied the one love that could make him truly happy. Yet, he has found a way to begin again. So has Buffy, she has found Riley...and though she still loves Angel, she loves Riley too. I loved Oz, and always would, but what we had, had progressed as far as it could. Without Oz being willing to work through his problems with me, it was just as well that he has abandoned me. I have moved on. I have found Tara, and I love her too. Scully loves Mulder, she loves him without any reservations or demands, but she has come to love Skinner too. Fear had kept them in check for seven years, each too afraid to ruin what little light their complex relationship had brought to each other. I felt my consciousness expanding; I have the impression that whatever Adam was doing to my body, that he is almost finished...time was short. I look around; the space we are in is jumbled. The sea crashes in the distance, but the sky has become the mirrors on Mulder's ceiling. Gray alien figures move just beyond my peripheral vision. //'Mulder!!'// He was losing shape before my eyes. //'Listen Mulder, it's important! She loves you both, but she is afraid! She doesn't want to ruin the good that is between you. Just because she loves Skinner too, doesn't mean that you can't all be happy! WORK IT OUT! Start with Skinner, you guys need to come to an understanding first!'// He was vanishing like a misty vapor, and I was beginning to be aware of my corporeal body//'Mulder!!! It's so easy, but we must be the ones to change first, don't be afraid to reach for what makes you happy! Love like that can't be taken for granted!!! Mulder...remember!...'// He was gone...I slammed back into my body, as with one final rending thrust an earth shattering orgasm rips through my body. I scream, I scream for the pleasure, and scream for the pain. I scream for my soul, which was being dammed by this act, and then all was silent, and still, and I came undone... I become aware of myself by slow degrees; my first impression is the absence of pain. I feel my face, and feel only smooth unblemished skin. I open both my eyes, and see Mulder's face haloed by the predawn light. His face is bruised, and streaked with dirt and tears, but he looks as happy as I feel. Happy to be alive, happy to be in love, and happy for a second chance! He puts his shirt around my shoulders, and I slip my arms into the warm fabric. He helps me up, and then on unsteady feet, we make our way out of the forest glade... As we walk Mulder fills me in on the last part of the ceremony that Adam had performed. Mulder saw him take me to orgasm. He said that I began to glow, and that he could actually see light moving under my skin...Then I screamed, he said it had come from somewhere deep inside me, and then I burst into a million points of light and disappeared. Adam was left with a glowing orb of energy; presumably harvested from me, which made sense--sexual energy is extremely powerful--after that, he and his army of demons left. He showed no interest in Mulder, nor did he explain where I had gone, he just walked away...without a glance back. Mulder managed to free himself, and as he began to leave, he noticed a faint glimmer, hovering just above the ground, as he approached he said that I began to take shape, an within a few moments I was laying, perfect and whole on the ground before him... Eventually, Buffy, Scully and Skinner found us. Angel had searched until the sunlight had started to singe his skin, but he finally gave up and found a vault to hide in. Scully and Skinner greeted us with handshakes and hugs all around. I still carried the heightened senses, which were a by-product of the ritual. I could feel everyone's joy, and relief...I opened myself to it and let the clean bright emotions wash away the grime that had stained my soul. Scully and Skinner both had been given a whole new appreciation for the paranormal, starting with a very demonic looking Angel and ending with a midnight battle with a demon horde. I was proud of them; Buffy gave them two thumbs up, and praised them lavishly on their newfound demon slaying skills. We did get them to agree not to tell anyone about the stranger aspects of mine and Mulder's disappearance...and it seemed, in Sunnydale at least, there was a chance of our lives quickly returning to some semblance of normal. I could tell a difference between Scully and Skinner; a switch had been flipped inside them, and they were now relating to each other on a different level. It was only subconsciously at this point, but I could smell a relationship brewing. Of the three, the most drastic change was within Mulder. Perhaps it was just me, but I could see his love for Scully written in every gesture, and every word...life for those three was about to get very interesting... The next few days were a blur of hospital visits, and tests, and hugs and well wishes. Scully covered most of the explanations for my *miraculous* recovery, she also began to test my newfound abilities, I submitted as long as I could stand to, but eventually I had to leave. The hospital had gone from my haven to my prison... Buffy did not come to see me, neither did Angel, so they were the first people I sought after my release. A person is rather easy to find, when you can track them by their thoughts... She was in our dorm room, "Buffy?" I said entering cautiously. "Willow! I didn't know you were out..." she smiles, but her feelings telegraph the fact that it is a lie. "Hey, Buff, I, well, I thought it would be best if I did without all the fanfare."I sit on the edge of her bed. She draws away, slightly. "I just wanted to thank..." "Willow, please, don't." She interjects. Negativity rolls off of her in waves, negativity, and...jealousy. I try to shake it off, but I am getting angry. "No, Buffy...listen, I just wanted to let you know that I understand...well, everything. What you and Angel tried to do, though it seems horrible..." "Shut up!" Buffy spat, as she jumps of the bed, pacing angrily across the small space. "You have no idea what it was like to ask him to do that...and...and then...to have to participate! I am supposed to help people, not hurt the ones that I love!!" Her self-loathing hit me like a brick wall, I can see how the whole situation looks through her eyes, but she was taking it a bit far. She was like a diamond with a flaw deep in the center, I can see that now, and I love her all the more for it. My anger fades, and I sit back, and calmly regarded her as she goes on..."I felt like, like a pimp! I can't even look Angel in the eye! I just want to kill something!" she says petulantly. "Buffy," I say slowly, "I know that what happened was hard for everyone concerned, but the pain and shame you experienced was nothing..."I swallow back the tears that threaten to creep into my voice. " I will never, ever be the same, but I think that I can be happy again. You have to let go..." My eyes were brimming over, "You like to...wallow in your pain. You enjoy it! It has poisoned what little relationship you have left with Angel, and it constantly threatens your relationship with Riley." I can see the anger in her face; I don't have to be psychic to know that she feels threatened. "How dare you!" She shouts, "How dare you judge me!" I get up, and approach her, gently grabbing her hand." I dare, because your my best friend, and because I love you..." I touch her mind then, drawing her gently into the light inside of me...the light that had been inside me ever since that horrible night. //'You have become to accustomed to the darkness, Buffy, and it has to stop! '// I have brought her to my own quiet haven. It was an open-air cathedral, built with the love and joy that my friends have given me. I let her explore freely, hiding nothing and surrounding her stormy soul with my own calm.//' How? Willow, how are you doing this?'// Her face finally begins to soften and relax. I laughed, and it echoed in the air like church bells. I tell her how, not with words, but with my being. I let her see herself through my eyes, and through it all threaded one thought like a golden ribbon. //'Let go...Let go, of your hate, let go of your pride, your self loathing...Let it go, no more jealousy, no more judgementalism...Let it go, let go!'//. The sunlight grows ever more brilliant, as we stand there, The very air comes alive as each particle glows with a glorious luminescence. Its light consumes us, illuminating all the dark corners within us. Then we are back in the dorm. We stand embracing; her head buried in my shoulder. She is mumbling into the fabric of my blouse... "I'm sorry, I'm sorry...oh Willow!" She looks into my eyes and I smile. "Let it go..." That night Angel proved to be harder to find, but I was determined. By the time I had left Buffy, we had caught up on every relevant scrap of each other's lives, and were as close as we had ever been, though now I think we were on more equal footing. She thought Angel had gone back to his new city, but I knew better. The echo of his kiss still thrummed in my veins. I knew that he was still near...I found him in the third graveyard that I tried. Unlike Buffy, he wasn't angry, but I could see a deep-seated guilt in his eyes. "Willow," he tries to smile as he stands there, hands jammed deep into his pockets. He is having trouble meeting my eyes." I'm really, really glad you are, all right!" He pauses, frowning, "You *are* all right, aren't you?" His eyes rise quickly to mine then drop quickly down. "No," I say as I touch him gently on the shoulder. I still have trouble reading him. He stiffens under my touch. "I am not all right...but I will be." I step closer to him, and he takes a step back. "Um, well OK. I was just waiting to make sure..." "You told Buffy that you were leaving. Why?" I ask. He laughs bitterly. " It was easier, you know. She has Riley now, and after what we tried to do to you...well...she is having a hard time with it." He shakes his head and mumbles, "she seems to have a hard time with everything I do." I nod sympathetically, "She has a hard time letting go" Surprised, he speaks before he thinks, "Tell me about it!" He flinches. I hate that she makes him feel so guilty. "Sorry...I know you guys are friends...I didn't mean to..." he sighed. I laugh, and hug him lightly. I no longer have any fear of him. "Part of being friends is recognizing, and accepting one another's faults." His arms wind tightly around me and hold me close. "Your my friend too Angel, as much as she will ever be," I feel his breath hitch. " I wish I could find a cure for you Angel, because I only want to see you be happy..." He holds my face tenderly between his two hands, clearing away my tears with his thumbs. He kisses me...just a soft, easy, friendly kiss. (God, but his touch is divine!) " I love you Willow," he says softly. "Don't worry about me..." He chuckles. "As funny as it sounds, life in LA, even with Cordelia and Wesley, is actually pretty good." I roll my eyes, "Puh-leeze!! You *know* I am psychic now, don't you! I can tell when you're lying..." I know he isn't truly happy, but he is close. With a wicked grin Angel puts his arm around my shoulder, and we take a moonlight stroll through the graveyard as he tells me all about his new adventures in LA... Scully's journal, 6 months later. If you had told me six months ago that this was what my life would become, I would have laughed in disbelief! I can trace the exact time my life changed to case X0014372...Willow. I will always have a soft spot for that poor girl. She lived through a nightmare, and yet she can still find beauty and love in the world. We still keep in touch, and despite her growing psychic powers, and her amazing and frightening friends, she remains an ordinary, grounded individual. She gives me hope... In a way, she gave me back my life. Mulder has never told me exactly what happened in those woods that night. I got the same sanitized version that everyone else got. I know he won't tell me because in his eyes, he is protecting Willow, but something happened that night, something that changed Mulder forever. When we first got back to D.C. Mulder requested 2 weeks vacation, and then before I knew what was going on, so did Skinner. The two of them spent two weeks alone together in the Rocky Mountains, two weeks that they refuse to talk about, no matter how much I ask about it. Ever since then the two have become best friends. Shortly after their return Mulder began to persue a romantic relationship. His single-minded resolve quickly broke through my emotional defenses. Mulder and I started dating a few weeks later with, to my surprise, AD Skinner's full blessing. He turned a blind eye in our direction, and has even become our most frequent houseguest, with The Lone Gunmen following a close second. Mulder has virtually moved in with me, and if things go as planned we will soon quietly begin looking for a bigger place. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice...I *am* happy with Mulder, and he has been the kindest and most loving partner a woman could want. Sometimes though I look at Skinner, and I wonder. The man I have come to know over the past few months is not the same hard, hostile, introvert that I see everyday at work. This Skinner cooks, he stays up late drinking and telling off color jokes; he falls asleep on our couch with the slightest of smiles, and the soft sounds of snoring. This is the man, Walter, the one I always wanted to get to know... "Hey Scully! What are you doing G-woman?" It was Mulder, as he rounds the corner, I can see already that he is up to something. He quickly snatches my journal from my hands, and slams it shut. " I was writing in my journal before I was so rudely interrupted," I smile, snatching back my leather bound journal. "What is it Mulder?" "Weeelll, I have I little-bitty surprise for you...kind of a happy four month anniversary surprise!" He unceremoniously covers my head with a rich, brown, silk pashima shawl. "Mmmm, silk," I say playing along. "Are there any more silk goodies waiting for me somewhere else?" He chuckles and grabs my arm, leading me along. "Why don't you come to the bedroom and find out..." He stops me just inside my bedroom and steps away, "OK Scully..." I let the shawl pool around my shoulders, and gasp! I look at Mulder then at the bed, then back at Mulder, and then the bed. My journal, now forgotten slips through my fingers and lands heavily on the floor. "Well Mulder, isn't she going to say anything?" A deep voice rumbles from the bed, "I'm getting cold here..." "Happy anniversary Scully!" Mulder's voice barely contains the laughter that is trying to bubble out. "Do I give good gifts or what?" I still can't believe my eyes; lying on my bed (my bed!) is Walter Sergi Skinner, a very naked Walter Sergi Skinner! His only covering is a big, floppy, satin red bow. I look at Mulder, "But, but," I stammer, "But how...why? You got me Skinner?" I look at Skinner, "and you're OK with this?!?" Mulder crosses the room and sits down beside the very naked Walter Skinner. Skinner sits up and places his arm loosely around Mulder's shoulder. His movements are stiff; he is not fully comfortable with this arrangement. I don't understand why they are doing this, but the very sight of the two of them together sends white-hot desire running through my body. Mulder casually places his hand on Skinners thigh, giving it an absentminded squeeze. "Scully," His voice was as soft as my silk shawl. "I love you...you know that, but so does Skinner. I have a sneaking suspicion that you have feelings for him too." I take a hesitant step towards them. Skinners barrel chest and broad shoulders contrast beautifully with Mulder's leaner more graceful form. " Let's say, hypothetically that you're right. I have feelings for you both. Are you trying to tell me that you two red blooded, all American, heterosexual boys are just going to jump right into threesome bliss? I am not sure if I can handle that!" Skinner sat up, the satin bow fell to the side a little, revealing the rest of his nicely developed physique. "No, Scully, that's not what he is saying, at all!" He looks to Mulder for permission to speak for them both. Mulder just grinned. "Ever since we got back from Sunnydale, and took that vacation we have been working up to this. Mulder and I had to work a lot things out, and then we had to learn to be comfortable together." His skin began to turn a shade of light rose as his natural reticence kicked in. It is the first time I had seen a full body blush before, and I feel most of my defenses melting away at the site. They are right, I do love them both, and what they seem to be proposing was the most honest solution to our dilemma, but still, I have a hard time accepting the moral implications of what they are wanting to do. No good catholic schoolgirl would even consider this. Still, I am a long way from the naive little daddy's girl I had been, and the possibilities of their proposal is very enticing, Skinner reaches out and captures my hand in his, pulling me on the bed between them. I am surrounded by their warm cocoon of adoration. What person wouldn't want this...? Mulder gets slowly off the bed; I feel a small pang of loss, as his warmth is taken away. "What we are proposing, my beautiful Agent Scully is a mutually beneficial relationship..." I feel two strong sure hands slide around my waist. "We all need each other," Skinner says, as he buries his head in my neck. "You two are the closest thing to a family that I have. We want to share you, Scully, if we each could have it our own way we wouldn't need to. All we are asking is that you give each of us a chance to show you how we feel. If later, we want to take it further, we'll deal with those issues as they arise." His thumbs grazed my breast, his voice was raw with need. "I love you Scully, I can't go another day without you! If you tell me to go, I will but a large part of me will die inside." I looked around for Mulder's reaction, but he was gone. I turned to Skinner and smiled. "Ok, you two win," I shrug, reaching out at last and touching his craggy face. "How could any woman refuse," I whispered as I wrap him tight into my arms. The very last of my tension and misgivings melt away, as I meet, with eager hands and lips, my destiny. Fini All that can be imagined need ever be lost (Clive Barker) http://users.ev1.net/~rr1013/default.htm - My slice of the web! (Under Construction) rr1013@ev1.net Feedback is appreciated!