From: Diana Williams Date: 28 Oct 1998 20:44:41 GMT Subject: REV: Life From the Slashers (Humor/Parody, Slash) Sorry - I know how to spell Krycek's name but my spell-checker went crazy! Title: Life from the Slashers Author: Diana Williams Email Address: diwillia@mindspring.com Rating: R for language and discussion of M/M sex Category: Humor Keywords: Slash/Torture Parody Spoilers: Slight for "Anasazi", "Tunguska", "Terra" Archive: Yes, anywhere. Distribution: Fine, just keep my name attached. Feedback: Always welcome. Summary: Krycek convinces Mulder to run away with him, with disastrous results. Author's Note: This is a loving tribute to all those slash writers who work so hard to keep all of us little perverts happy and is not meant to be in any way a criticism of their work. I would like to mention in particular Jo B. whose "Life from the Ashes" provided the basic plot line (hurry up and finish "Hope & Faith", I'm begging you!). Keep up the good work, guys! The quote at the beginning is from "Pleasure or Pain" by Michael Bolton. Disclaimer: The X-Files and its characters belong to Chris Carter and 1013 Productions. Life From the Slashers "Is it pleasure or pain Keeps me runnin', keeps me running to you? Pleasure or pain, I just can't decide. Are they one and the same? It's confusing me blind. Am I in love or insane? Am I in it for the pleasure or pain?" Mulder returned from his morning jog and unlocked the door to the Crystal City apartment he shared with Skinner, noting that his lover had already left for an early morning meeting. Then a dark shape moved into the light - he reached for his gun and remembered that those two jump-ropers had tripped him and made him lose his weapon. Damn! "Krycek! How did you get in here?" Krycek held up the skeleton key that came with his Triple Agent Kit and grinned. "You don't look too happy to see me, Mulder. I've been here for almost a minute and you haven't hit me even once." "How did you know where to find me?" He and Skinner had been very careful to hide their relationship out of fear of what would happen to their careers if anyone learned about them. "Mulder, don't you watch TV? Didn't you see the Academy Awards last night? Kevin Kline outed you during his acceptance speech." Mulder gasped. "What? Oh, my God! My career's over, and Walter's going to be devastated!" Krycek shrugged. "Nah. Nobody paid much attention - all the winners last night were outing someone. Besides, everyone at the FBI already knew." "WHAT!" "Yeah. Well, all except Scully and Spender - oh, and that Colton character. But Skinner's been in such a good mood since he started nailing you that nobody cares. I hear the Admin staff is taking up a collection for a nice Christmas present for you, and the Director is recommending you for a commendation - above and beyond the call of duty." "You don't work for the FBI anymore. How do you know all this?" "Pendrell told me last night during pillow talk. He's got a great ass but he can't keep a secret." "Pendrell! But he's dead!" "Mulder, you're not the only one who can fake a suicide." "But why?" Krycek shrugged. "He was desperate. Scully was going to ask him for a date." "Oh." "He's working for the Consortium now, doing bio-tech. Look what he did for me." Krycek took off his jacket, proudly displaying his new arm. "Clever little monkey, isn't he?" Then he sighed and shook his head. "He's got a tough new assignment, though. Creating alien/human clone screenwriters." "What's so tough about that?" "They've got to be able to come up with understandable plot lines and remember crucial timeline information." Krycek gestured with his gun. "Okay, enough of the small talk. Get undressed." "WHAT?!!" "I'm going to handcuff you to the bed and have sex with you." "Oh. Well in that case..." Sometime later, Krychek kissed his lover and unlocked the handcuffs. "Come on, Mulder, we've got to get going." "Going? I'm not going with you. I'm staying here. I love Walter. He makes me feel safe." Krycek sighed. "Mulder, I hate to do this, but Skinner isn't what you think he is." He pulled a pack of photographs out of his pocket, in an envelope labeled "Consortium Photo Labs - when you care enough to frame the very best". Mulder opened the package and stared, open-mouthed, at the pictures. There was one of Skinner sharing a cigarette with Cancerman, one in the Well Manicured Man's car and, most damning of all, standing in Bill Mulder's shower with a gun duct-taped to his hand. Was it possible that these were fakes? He studied the pictures closely, noting that Skinner was in the same pose and looked kinda flat, but no, that was Walter Skinner. He stared at Krycek, agony in his beautiful hazel eyes. "That's not all." Krycek pulled out a videotape and handed it to Mulder. "This is a tape of me and Skinner having sex." "But how - when?" "Remember when you brought me over here and Skinner handcuffed me to the balcony? Well, after you left..." Mulder's world was shattered. How could Walter betray him like that? Sure, Mulder had just had sex with Krycek, too, but Mulder was a slut and would have sex with just about anyone. He had always thought of Skinner as somehow better than that. He handed the videotape back to Krycek, too upset to even watch it, and Krycek breathed a sigh of relief. It was his favorite "Three Stooges" tape. "All right, Alex," he said brokenly. "I'll go with you. Where are we going?" Not that it mattered much since his whole world was shattered, but he couldn't possibly go anywhere without good take-out and satellite hook-up to watch his beloved Knicks. "I have a plane waiting to take us to a little hideaway in an obscure third world country where we can be safe from Cancerman and where Skinner will never find us." Mulder nodded and started to follow him. "Wait! Is this going to lead to a convoluted plot in which I get kidnapped by a series of power-crazed monsters who want a piece of my ass?" "Uh, probably." "Then I'll need this." Mulder picked up an industrial size tube of KY and put it in his pocket. Krycek drove to the private landing strip where a plane waited. When they got out of the car, a petite red-head jumped out of a parked car and aimed her weapon at Krycek. "Freeze, Krycek! Mulder, run!" "Scully, it's okay," Mulder said. "I'm going with Alex willingly." "Mulder, how could you? He's a murderer! He killed your father and my sister!" Mulder sighed and a tear ran down his cheek. "Actually, Walter killed them. I've got the pictures right here - damn! I must have left them at the apartment. But you've got to trust me, Scully. Skinner is working for the Consortium." Scully stared at her partner and at Krycek. Skinner? With the Consortium? She remembered her suspicions about him, how conveniently the blame had been shifted to Blevins, forgetting that Skinner had been with her when Melissa was shot. Besides, their boss was always blaming her when Mulder got in trouble and criticizing her reports. "All right, but I'm coming with you." Krycek rolled his eyes. "Oh, man, not her!" "She's my partner," Mulder insisted and Krycek gave in. Maybe he could push her out when they were in the air and Mulder wasn't looking. Meanwhile, back at the apartment, Skinner had arrived back home and found that Mulder was gone with a note: "Walter, I've learned the Truth about you and the Consortium, and I'm going with Alex. Please don't try to find me. Love always, Your Fox." He stared at the note, stunned, then picked up the packet of photos Mulder had forgotten and looked through them. Well, at least the mystery of what had happened to the life-sized cutout of himself was solved. But he refused to lose Mulder, the only man he had truly loved. He knew who he had to contact to find Mulder. Finding the Lone Gunmen had been easier than he thought. Find-it 511 had two listings for Paranoid Government Conspiracy Watchdog Groups - the Lone Gunmen and some cab driver in New York. In a short period of time, he had convinced them to trust him (or he'd have their tax-exempt status investigated by the IRS) and they had found a flight plan filed by Krycek to an obscure third world country. Shortly afterward, the four of them were on a plane heading after Mulder. In Krycek's plane, Mulder was having second thoughts. He missed Walter. He was sure that it had all been a mistake, that Walter could explain everything. If only he had waited and listened to Walter's side. He confided all this to Scully, who was less sympathetic than he had thought she would be, though why that should surprise him given their problems over the past year was a mystery. Scully hesitated, then decided that she had to lie to Mulder to save him from that monster Skinner. Eyes lowered, hesitantly, she said, "Mulder, I didn't want to tell you this before, but - well - Skinner was crossing the street without paying attention and, well, he was struck and killed. By a steamroller." "Walter - dead?" Mulder's eyes filled and his lower lip trembled. Scully crossed her fingers and nodded, knowing that she was going to be saying a lot of Hail Marys for this one, but her partner's safety was more important than the truth. Krycek had heard Scully and rolled his eyes. How gullible did she think Mulder was? Not only was she a pathetic liar, but who would believe that cautious Skinner would cross a street without looking both ways? And a steamroller? He had told Mulder much better lies than that and not been believed - how could Mulder believe that pathetic story? But it appeared that he did. "You owe me, Krycek," Scully murmured to him, her blue eyes fixed on his face in a look that could freeze a lava flow. "You had better be good to him or else I'll kick your ass." Krycek's plane landed in the obscure third world country where a car was waiting for them. Mulder was impressed: being a triple agent obviously paid better than the FBI. What none of them noticed was that the local head of the military police had seen Mulder and taken a fancy to him. Pendrell was waiting for them when the car pulled up and ran to throw his arms around Krycek; he had missed the sexy triple agent while he was gone. Mulder pouted, not liking to share Alex with anyone, but Krycek reassured his lovers that he was able to satisfy both of them - after all, he was the only one on the show with a sex life. Scully got out of the car and gasped when she saw Pendrell. The lab-coated guy turned white and shot Krycek a murderous look, but Krycek shrugged. "Mulder insisted that she come." Scully threw her arms around Pendrell, hugging him. "Danny! Or is it Brian? Whatever your name is, you're alive!" Pendrell became alarmed when it looked like she might kiss him, and said quickly, "Agent Scully, there's something you should know. I'm gay." Scully pulled back, looking exasperated. "Why does this always happen? Here I am with three gorgeous men and they're all gay! Is this an X-file?" "Um- actually, Scully, I'm bi," said Mulder. Scully shot him the Look. "Mulder, even *I* don't believe that one. Why is everyone in this story getting laid but me?" Mulder shrugged. "Sorry, Scully, but this is a M/M slash story and you're only here to screw up everyone else's relationships. And have unreasonable temper outbursts. And patch me up when I get hurt. If you want to get laid, you have to talk to the Scully/other writers. Or those MSR people." He shuddered. Meanwhile, Skinner and the Lone Gunmen had landed at the airport and had made contact with one of their informants. He slipped them a piece of paper with an address on it. "Thanks!" said Frohike. "How'd you locate him?" The informant shrugged. "He's in the phone book." Then he slipped back into the shadows. They jumped in the rental car and raced to the address on the paper, which turned out to be a palatial estate that Krycek had gotten from a local drug lord. Unfortunately, the drug lord's rival hadn't heard about the change of ownership and had stormed the estate. They found Krycek and Pendrell being patched up by an immaculate Scully - even the drug lord hadn't been interested in her - and learned that Mulder had been taken. "It's all your fault," Skinner roared at Krycek. "If you had left him with me, this never would have happened." Skinner advanced on Krycek, determined to tear off that new arm of his and beat him to death with it, but Pendrell thrust himself between the two men. "Wait! There's something you should know! When I was doing the DNA work for Alex's new arm, I compared his DNA with yours as part of my doctoral work, and I found out that you are related. Krycek is the son of your long-lost older sister, Alexandria." Skinner stared at Krycek, disbelieving, but there *was* something familiar about the younger man. "Well, if you're Lexie's son, then I guess I'll have to let you live, but when we find Mulder I want you to stay away from him." Krycek agreed, reluctantly, but there was something weird about screwing his uncle's main squeeze that made even him shudder. And at least he still had Pendrell. Meanwhile, the Gunmen had adapted Krycek's sophisticated computer equipment, thankful that he was one of few people with a Mac, and had been able to locate the drug lord's estate. They armed themselves with the high-tech weaponry Krycek had stockpiled and were about to leave when they heard something over the police band scanner - the local military police had attacked and destroyed the drug lord's estate. Skinner and Krycek exchanged a look. "Want to bet that the head of the military police took Mulder with him?" Skinner asked with a sigh. "I don't take sucker bets, Uncle Walt. All right, how are we going to go about breaking Mulder out of the local military compound?" "Leave it to me," Skinner said. "I have a few friends." A short time later, dressed in fatigues with the full support of the United States Marine Corp behind them, Skinner, Krycek and Scully burst into the compound, mowing down everyone in their way. Scully found Mulder inside, handcuffed to a wall, stark naked. He smiled tiredly when he saw his best friend, relishing the way she fussed over him although she crossly chewed him out while she bandaged his chafed wrists and put a soothing cream on the whip marks. She found his clothes and helped him limp out into the courtyard where evidence was being planted to make this look like a counter-attack by the drug lord's people. Skinner saw him across the courtyard and crossed to pull his lover into a rough embrace. "Fox! You're okay!" "Easy, Walter," Mulder said wincing. "Some parts of me are less okay than others. And you're looking pretty good for a man who was run over by a steamroller." "A steamroller?" Scully flushed and cleared her throat. "Mulder, I lied about that. I had to, to protect you." "And I lied to you, too," Krycek admitted. "Uncle Walt's not with the Consortium. I faked those photos." Mulder looked at Skinner with his pouty lower lip trembling, tears running down his face. "Walter, I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I love you. Please forgive me." "Oh, Fox, I love you, too. Promise me you'll never leave me again." "I promise." They kissed passionately, and Skinner privately resolved to get them switched from the Torture writer's group to that other set of Slash writers. Right about now, a house in the suburbs with Mulder sounded pretty good. He was getting a little old for this rescue stuff and this was the second time this year - or was it the third? "Come on, Fox. Let's go home." The End