From: "Rebecca Skelton" Date: Wed, 22 Nov 2000 00:03:39 -0600 Subject: xfc: NEW: Limp Lower Lip Source: xfc Title: Limp Lower Lip Author: Texas Rose Rating: PG-13 Feedback: texasrose85@xfilesfan.com Category: HUMOR, MSR, D Webpage: http://www.geocities.com/texasrose85/ Summary: Okay, this is what would happen if Monty Python and Robin Hood, Men in Tights had a baby! Disclaimer: To CC et al, I'm SO sorry about this! I'll NEVER do it again! Distribution: EVERYWHERE! If it's your personal archive, then could you please e-mail me if you do? LOL I just want to know where this insanity is being released! Author's Notes: NOTE THIS NOW! If you feel the tremendous urge to send feedback *hint hint* PLEASE NOTE the address change at the top! Thanks! --Oh! And please excuse grammatical errors since I'm too lazy to fix the ones that don't jump out and bite me in the ass! Limp Lower Lip Texas Rose Scully received the call in the hospital parking lot and made a U-turn. "Hey, I thought we just signed you out?" A male nurse commented as she breezes by. "Shut up, Darrel." Scully felt like slapping herself. It's bad enough she knows all the staff here. She even made the head surgeon the godmother of her child, who wasn't due for about another four or five months. Cumulative skills... they taught that in what... kindergarten? "Agent Scully," Agent Doggett appeared from across the hall. "I can't find out which room Mulder is in." "What, no one here will tell you?" Doggett shook his head. "Go fetch me Harriet. You know, the busty nurse from last time." Doggett grinned. "Oh, HARRIET." "Go boy!" Doggett started sprinting down the corridor. AN HOUR LATER "Well, did you find her?" Scully asked Doggett. She'd heard his footsteps and his panting from behind her so she didn't need to turn. When she finally did, however, she discovered that his hair was sticking out in at least fifteen different directions, his tie was loose, his shirt untucked, and--upon closer inspection--his fly undone. Did I mention the lipstick-smeared face? "Agent Doggett!" Scully scolded. Doggett bowed his head. "Did she have to get admitted to the ER like the last one?" Doggett whimpered. "Mmm-hmm..." "Will you ever learn? Will *I* ever learn? WHO NEEDS HARRIET?" She turned away from Doggett, her brow wrinkling in concentration. "Now, all I know from that breathy phone call from Kersh... *hmmm...* is that "Mulder's at Georgetown Memorial and he's in the IC... Oh! Oh! I mean, U." *hmm...* Well, Kathy practically leased room 305, Nadia passed out about three years ago, she's not gonna wake up from this one, and she's in 307, all the others I've used up, and they're now crime scenes, so that leaves... 306! AHA!" She turned to Doggett, who had cleaned himself up during Scully's display of deductive skills. She arched an eyebrow at him and checked her wristwatch. "Not bad, only fifteen seconds." "Same for you." Anyway, Scully ran to room 306 and lo and behold... no Mulder... no ANYONE! She ran to the nearby nurse's station. "Hey, uh, Greta, do you know where Fox Mulder is?" "Yeah, he woke up about two weeks ago. Room 218." "Two weeks ago?!?! How long has Agent Mulder been here?" Greta's head whipped quickly around as a hoarse voice called from behind the door. "Greta! Greta! It's time for my *hehe* physical examination!" The busty blonde ran in the direction of the voice, but turned before walking out the door, "Special assignment, you understand." "Yeah." Scully replied with suspicion. She snapped out of it and ran to the elevator. As she stepped in she discovered Skinner was in there. "I found out what room Mulder's in..." "No kiss this time, Skinner, I already know." Skinner bowed his head in disappointment. "But no one else is in the elevator!" he whined. "Oh, fine!" Scully kissed him quickly and then ran down the hall as the doors opened. She reached room 405, previously known as room 218, and saw Mulder lounging in his bed, making music on the keyboard of a laptop. He looked up. "Scully?" "Mulder?" She walked to his side. "Oh my god, you look..." Scully smiled. "...awful!" Scully frowned. "Have you been getting enough sleep? Don't answer that question, I know you haven't. You've been admitted to 32 different hospitals in the US, China, and Iraq since I've been gone! Damn, Scully! I've been gone, what, for two months?" Scully spoke quickly, trying to get a word in. "Four." "I come back to find you've beaten my life-long hospital record in less than a year! And what's with this Doggett guy?" He handed her numerous pictures of Doggett carrying her away from a crimescene. "I couldn't walk, Mulder. I was injured." "Shyeah," he giggled light-heartedly, "but what about this one?" Her eyes went wide. "Where did you get this?" "I have my sources." "Mulder, just exactly how long have you been here?" "Scully, I've been here since May." "What?!?!" "I told you I was getting a face-lift and a root canal. Jeesh, these guys are brutal! Have you ever had one of those short little pale guys give you a tummy tuck? Well, let's just say it's more painful than some think..." "Oh... so THAT'S what those car rental receipts were for!" "Huh? You mean my trips to Kelly's?" Scully didn't blink. She turned on the jealous and bitchy wife mechanism. "*Who?*" "Kelly, she's one of the Samantha clones. Doesn't look a thing like her, though. That's because she had plastic surgery, and I gotta tell ya, WOO! She's hot..." Scully slapped Mulder across the face. "OW! Scully, not the face! Do you know how much this cost?" "I thought we agreed a while back, I comment on other men in your presence and you can ditch me and fly off to Hawaii--hell, every other place has already been hit by DitchScully!Mulder; and if you comment on other women, you get bitch slapped!" "Scully, listen... I..." He pulled out a picture of Kelly. "Hey!" She cried, "That looks like me!" "I told you she was hot!" "Aww..." She began to feel emotional from the hormones of pregnancy. "Hey, have you been gaining weight?" Mulder observed. "I'm pregnant, you dumbass!" She slapped a hand over her mouth. "I mean, *ahem* Mulder I have somthing to t--" "You're WHAT?!?!? Okay, I'm suing the condom company..." "Mulder!" "I'm serious, Scully, those things don't work!" Scully slapped him. "I didn't say anything about another woman!" "No, but--" "I'm just KIDDING, Scully! You're really pregnant?" "Can't you tell?" She cringed. "What's the matter?" "Oh my god! I'm going into labor!" "Boy, that was fast!" "Girl, Mulder." "Huh?" THREE DAYS, FOURTEEN HOURS, SIX MINUTES, AND FIFTY-FIVE SECONDS LATER "It's a girl!" The doctor announced as he entered the waiting room. "Ha!" Frohike grabbed fifty bucks from everyone in the room. "That's what you get when you bet against old Melvin... my kung fu is the best!" "She weighs 10 pounds, and 13 ounces." Mysterious man with white hair grabs the money from Frohike. "Ha!" "How did he guess that one?" The doctor laughed. "I can't believe she beat Madonna for longest labor ever recorded in this hospital!" "What? I thought Madonna had her kids in California..." "Those are just the ones you know about..." The doctor grinned mischievously. "Oh, I thought I should mention that the baby is having something surgically removed from her oral cavity." "What? What's wrong?" The entire hospital asked in unison. "Well, there was something attached to--" "HA!" Langly grabbed the money from MWHM (Mysterious White Haired Man.) "I *told* you it was an alien!" "Hey!" MWHM cried out. "I just got sued!" "Not unless aliens have silver spoons in their mouths." The doctor replied. "What?" Everyone looked at Byers. "No way..." Byers grabbed the money from Langly. "Ha!" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay, I know that was sheer stupidity, but my friends keep telling me to write a humor story, so I did! My apologies to the Movie "Stiff Upper Lips" for a few rip-offs >=) ~Texas Rose texasrose@xfilesfan.com Texas Rose's Fanfic Archives http://www.geocities.com/texasrose85/