From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: Sun, 21 Jan 2001 14:22:37 -0600 Subject: GAUDIUM ES SPES by Ewa Source: revision Reply To: ewa@whatewa.com GAUDIUM ET SPES (Joy and Hope) A LINK IN THE CHAIN 5 AUTHOR: Ewa e-mail: ewa@whatewa.com RATING: PG 17 CATEGORY: V return/baby fic SPOILER: post Requiem KEYWORDS: M/S A SUMMARY: Scully / Mulder reflections POV DISCLAIMER: any characters you recognize belong to Mr. Carter & Co; others belong to me, but you can borrow them. I can't resist; I need to play with them a while! AUTHOR'S NOTE You Need to read GENTLE GIANT to get the full impact. ARCHIVES: Let me know where it's gone please! Feedback Appreciated - Please! ewa@whatewa.com 08.21.00 GAUDIUM ET SPES (Joy and Hope) GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY MEDICAL CENTRE Childbirth department 2:06 AM She was too tired to even consider the cost. She sought her haven, the midnight-blue velvet darkness. Safety, peace... he was there. She heard the heart broken cry, she'd hurt him so Much and she was sorry. She didn't mean to hurt him, she couldn't help it. The voice called her, pleaded with her, a dear, familiar voice, but not the voice she needed to hear, longed to hear. She drifted, towards the one she needed most...towards .... Mulder. GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY MEDICAL CENTRE Side room in ICU He was floating, drifting. It was so quiet, so calm, and he knew he was not alone; she was there with him, he knew she was there. Scully would always be with him. *They* had tried so often to separate them, but they would never succeed, not in this life, not ever. He moved to snuggle in further into her warmth, felt her enfolding him, peace and security surrounding him. Nothing; no one could touch or hurt him while he was here. She was his sanctuary, his touchstone, his one constant. He was no longer anxious or afraid, afraid for her, for himself, for them both. This darkness was comforting, satiny and smooth; one he wanted to be in, needed to be in. Wrapped in the warmth, he was surrounded by her love, safe in the knowledge that she had not left him; could never leave him, no matter what. Cocooned in the softness, in the gentle, peaceful darkness, there was no fear, no pain, only the love that they had for each other. The softness and darkness was like that of midnight-blue velvet, rich, sensual, comfortingly warm. He was at peace; secure, cherished, protected. She would always be there to watch his back, to look out for him, always. No matter what. Even now, *they* couldn't part them. He didn't know where this place was. It was a place of safety, a place he escaped to when the pain became too much. *They* could not touch him here. He knew how frustrated that made them. They had tried everything to reach him in this, his refuge, but they were powerless. Faceless beings, men, he could not remember; refused to remember. They had watched him as they had performed their tests; watching for his pain, looking for reaction, but there was none. He would not give them the satisfaction. He managed to escape them, to evade their probing, shutting his mind off to them. Even when they had tried to enter his mind, *had* entered his mind. He'd been able to close that final door, kept his sanity by escaping to his Scully. He drifted, now more at peace than he had been for a long time. Somehow, she seemed very near now, nearer then ever. He could feel her hands on his face, his hair, holding, soothing caressing, her lips on his brow, his mouth. Her voice so soft, so full of love; sometimes so sad. He could not make out the words she spoke but felt the love that they contained. When he thought he'd have to go, she was there, calling him back, begging him to stay. He couldn't leave her. He'd stay. She was there with him, through the pain of the needles; when he was being jostled about, turned, manipulated. Through the frightening loud repetitive tapping noise, the terrifying clamor while he'd been restrained, entombed. In that claustrophobic place; he knew she was there with him; waiting for him. At times the special scent that *was* her washed over him, calming and comforting. Often now he felt the weight of her head resting over his heart. He put his arm around her, holding her close to himself. He had run his fingers through that beautiful soft hair of hers. Was it real? Was it a part of his midnight-blue darkness; the velvety place to which he escaped? He wanted so much to look at her, but his eyes remained shut; wanted to tell her that he loved her, that she was his life, but his Scully knew that, he was sure. He remembered being shaken so vigorously, and the very bright light; remembered feeling so relieved that he had persuaded Scully not to come with him. She had to be kept safe, he couldn't remember why. There'd been so many people there, familiar faces; the alien bounty hunter; he been there too. Was that part of the dream? He wasn't sure any more what was real and what was not. The light had become so intense, and his ears had felt as thought they would explode. He'd lifted his hand to his neck, touched the tiny gold cross she'd entrusted to him. She was with him; he would be safe. Blinding light, faceless beings, pain; he evaded them again and again. Always she was there; always she kept him safe. The midnight-blue darkness felt different now, no longer cozy, comforting; a soft haven. Now it was deserted, threatening, lonely; he didn't understand. She was his life. As long as he had her, they couldn't extinguish him. He lived in her, for her, for their child. Their child? He knew about the child, had always felt the tiny heart beat pulsing through him, had felt it growing stronger, part of him. Something was wrong! Where was she? He was in a dark empty place, a frightening, deserted place. He was afraid. He felt his heart beating faster as anxiety washed over him. The tiny pulse that had been part of him for so long became weaker; seemed to be fading away from him. They were leaving him, leaving him in this dark frightening place. Suddenly he knew. They needed him. She needed him. He heard a soft voice whispering to him, the child. There were no words but he understood their message. They needed him; he had to go to them. He had to open his eyes. He became aware of the soft yellow light somewhere near him. There was a rhythmic sound, soft, but very disturbing. The sound grew louder, the light clearer, as though layer upon layer of gauze were being removed from around him. Someone, a woman or a child was sobbing- that was what the soft sound was. Slowly turning his face towards the sound, his eyes gradually opening, focusing. "Mom." The word came out as a croak. Maggie looked at him in utter disbelief. "Oh. Son!" she gasped. "Fox,Thank God, oh thank God!" She drifted in the darkness, it was not welcoming as it had been, not soft, not comforting, still peaceful, different. She looked for him. Where was he? Had he finally left her? No, she could still feel his presence, he was behind a veil. There seemed to be more and more layers between them. She could feel him at a distance, she couldn't reach him. He was moving further and further from her. Was this it? She was getting weaker and weaker. Was this what dying felt like? She needed to go; did not want to go alone. In the distance she could hear a child softly calling, couldn't make out the words. Was it Emily? - No; no it couldn't be her, Emily was dead; it wasn't her voice. The young child was calling. She couldn't make out the words. Childbirth Department. 6:19 AM Walter sat at Dana's bedside holding her limp Small hand. She was so pale, her breathing barely perceptible. The baby's heart was being monitored; recently it had begun to slow down, get weaker. He'd sat here for what seemed like an age, looking at this fragile creature, this ethereal girl he realised how precious she was. He couldn't bear to have discovered this, only to loose her. What would he tell her mother? Maggie had entrusted them to him, and he had lost them. Him, the giant, the powerful AD; he was nothing, could do nothing but wait and pray and it was tearing him apart. In the preceding hours of darkness he'd in turn riled against God and pleaded for a miracle. He would willingly give up any thing and everything, to save just one of the lives of these people he had come to love. Fox Mulder lay downstairs in a living death, while here Dana was slipping away from him, and with her their tiny unborn child; the miracle of the love of these precious people. And he could do squat, just sit here and watch the tragedy unfold. 6:42 He must have fallen asleep. The sound of people approaching woke him with a start. He turned to the door to see who it was. He couldn't believe it. Maggie was there and with her Langly; Byers was pushing a wheelchair containing Mulder; the drip and other accessories attached looking weak and groggy, but very much alive. "Thank you," whispered Walter. The three of them met in the middle of the room and held each other, as if they could never bear to let go. Maggie and Walter traded looks over Mulder's head. "Take him to her, they need each other." Walter pushed Fox as near to Dana as he could, Maggie said she'd explain everything to him later, once she'd got her own head around it all. Mulder looked at his partner lying there, so tiny, so fragile. It was their child had called him back; he accepted that it had! She was beautiful, big with his child. He'd known for so long, but even seeing her like this, the reality was hard to grasp. Stroking her hair, he softly called her name. He needed to hold her so badly. His upright position was coming as a shock to his system He began to feel very dizzy and called out to Walter, his voice rusty from lack of use. Walter did the only thing he could think of. Lowering a side rail, he helped Mulder onto the bed behind Dana. With a sigh Mulder gently pulled Scully closer, wrapping his arm around her, his hand resting on the child. The baby kick against his hand, as if to acknowledge his presence. Mulder was not going to let Dana or their miracle go. He would fight for them, protect them, be their strength. He pulled her even closer to himself spooning around her. She snuggled into him sighing softly. Walter and Maggie watched Fox drift off to sleep, and Dana's colour and breathing improve. Skinner put a comforting arm around Maggie's shoulder. Maybe, just maybe it would all work out. They sat down to wait. Karen came in to check on Dana. She couldn't believe her eyes! She didn't know what the hospital authorities would have to say about this. So sue me, she thought. She was willing to try anything, this could do no harm. It might just give Dana the strength she needed to finish the job. She left the little family as they were. Scully felt the warmth surrounding her, the hand caressing, felt the baby moving against something. She had found her darkness again. But it was not the same; she heard his voice, that dearly loved she'd not heard for so long. He was whispering to her. She couldn't make out what it was he said, she was content for the present just to stay here and rest. And she slept. There were voices rolling all around her, soft, hushed tones. She could not make out the content, but they were calming, reassuring. There was one tone that caught her attention, she wanted to hear it, needed it so very much. Was her mind deluding her? Was it real? Was he really there? The caressing sound of his voice gradually broke through the barriers that surrounded her mind. She could hear him calling her name, telling her how much she meant to him; that he loved her. She *wanted* to make this journey. She followed the sound of his words upwards, upwards towards the gentle welcoming light of dawn. Breaking through to the surface of her consciousness, she became aware of the tight feeling that gripped her belly and radiated outwards, around to her back, down the insides of her thighs the intensity increasing until it took her breath away. She gripped his hand hard in her own, as she tried to fight the pain. Gradually it eased away and she was able to breath again. "Easy, G-woman, take it easy, you're crushing my fingers." She looked up into Mulder's smiling face, and then saw the same joy on the faces of Mom, Walter, the Gunmen and Karen. "Welcome back Sweetheart", said Mom as she moved towards her daughter. Karen wanted them all to wait outside as she examined Dana, but Dana would not let go of Mulder. In the end Karen relented and let him stay. The news was good. Her 'time out' had been beneficial. Whilst she slept her body had been quietly working. Dana was almost fully dilated and effaced. God willing, it should not be too long before the child finally finished it's journey. As the next contraction hit Dana, her companions set to work with a will. Walter swung into the role of Birth partner, coaching her on her breathing, rubbing the base of her spine where she was feeling the most discomfort. He did not need to worry about focusing her; she was totally focused on Mulder. Mom looked down at them and marveled at the wordless conversation these two were carrying on with their eyes, in between contractions. The Gunmen were doing the traditional 'father-to- be thing', pacing up and down the hall, wearing holes in the carpet. 8:14 AM It was fast becoming like a three ring circus in the delivery room. Walter sat behind Dana on the bed, with his arms around her, holding her up; supporting her as she attempted to push the child out. Mulder sat next to Scully in his wheelchair holding her hands and Mom was stationed behind him, to make sure he didn't keel over. There was nothing on earth that could make him miss this. Mulder was glad Mom was there, if he had time he was sure he'd be terrified! Karen stood at the business end of the proceedings, directing and choreographing the action. Then they were all imploring her to breath, pant, push, harder, harder. To stop. Stop! Pant! She felt the searing pain as her baby's head crowned, and then the intense, unstoppable desire to push with all her might. Panting, she slipped her hand down between her thighs, she could feel the warm wet head covered with springy hair. Then she gave into her instincts and pushed for all she was worth. Momentarily, the burning sensation increased. She felt as though she were passing a melon. "It's got your hair", Mulder exclaimed to her, as he looked down at the screwed up, purple, angry looking little face emerging from Scully's body. At that precise moment in time, she couldn't have cared less if the child was green haired and was boss eyed. Between contractions she'd communicated just that Thought to her partner. He glanced back at Mom with a hurt look on his face. Mom gave his shoulder a squeeze reassuring him that this sort of reaction was quite normal, given the circumstances. She was on the home stretch now; her supporters were cheering her on as she went for it! The cord was checked for, and the all clear given. Once the head was delivered, the rest was plain sailing, and with the sensation that she was giving birth to a giant telephone cord; she delivered her daughter. The noise in the delivery room had to be heard to be believed. The furious child yelling her head off, companions whooping and cheering; congratulating each other on a job well done. Amid the cacophony, Dana and Mulder looking down in silent wonder at the angry, red little scrap they'd created out of their love for each other. There was no need for words, for explanations; they understood each other. Scully's hand went down to touch the warm, soft skin of her beautiful daughter as she lay, skin to skin, across her belly. Mulder held Dana's other hand, and tentatively touched his tiny daughter's hair. "She's just like you," he said with a silly grin. "Right down to the temper" At any other time she would have hit him. Now she just returned the grin The cord was cut, the afterbirth delivered, then the child was laid in the arms of the newborn Mom and Dad. They looked at each other over this miracle of their love. It was Karen who asked "What are you calling this Beautiful little girl? Mulder looked into Scully's eyes and announced in a clear voice. "Abigail, her name is Abigail; it means 'a father's joy'". END Feedback - Please! ewa@whatewa.com 'I have spread my dreams under your feet; tread softly for you tread on my dreams.'