From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: Sat, 20 Jan 2001 20:08:17 -0600 Subject: NIL DESPERANDUM by Ewa Source: revision Reply To: ewa@whatewa.com A LINK IN THE CHAIN 7 NIL DESPERANDUM (Never despair) AUTHOR: Ewa e-mail: ewa@whatewa.com RATING: PG 17 CATEGORY: V/A SPOILER: post Requiem /return KEYWORDS: M/A THANK YOU to Kelleigh who is waiting to read this (I hope). SUMMARY: Mulder is forced to revaluate things. DISCLAIMER: any characters you recognize belong to Mr. Carter & Co; others belong to me but I share. I can't resist; I need to play with them a while! ARCHIVES: Let me know where it's gone please! Feedback please, I NEED to know what you think! ewa@whatewa.com Catch my other stories at www.whatewa.com 08.30.00 NIL DESPERANDUM (Never despair) DANA SCULLY'S APARTMENT 7:52 AM He was anxious as he put his key in the lock, and walked into the apartment. As Mulder came in through the door, Scully turned to look in his direction, wiping her eyes; a look of fear on her face He was horrified to see her shrinking against the wall; looking as if she expected to be beaten. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry", she managed to whisper, before she crumpled at his feet in a heap. She looked like death, he wasn't sure what to do next. God, what the hell had been going on here while he'd been sent away! He knelt down beside her and pulled her into his arms. She looked so fragile, she'd lost weight in the time he'd been away. He shouldn't have left her but there had been no choice. He stroked the tangled hair away from her face. She moaned quietly, but showed no other signs of regaining consciousness. He moved, gingerly picking her up to carry her to the bed. She felt so light, she'd never been heavy before.... He hadn't really noticed, before he'd gone he'd been so tired, and she'd rarely been out of baggy PJs and bathrobe. He knew some of the events of last night; a frantic Walter had phoned and ordered him back home immediately. How the AD had managed it, Mulder hadn't stopped to ask; it was an x-file in itself. He was on that 'red-eye' and flying back to Washington before the powers that be, had a chance to change their minds. He waited now for Walter, Maggie and his daughter to turn up. Mulder lay down on the bed beside her, and took his partner in his arms, cradling her. He looked at her. Her once bright hair was matted, dull, unkempt; her skin no longer radiant. Scully looked bad. How had things gotten to this? Why had it all gone so sour? How could he make things right again for the only person he'd ever truly cared about? LOCATION UNKNOWN 10.05 PM the previous night The fact that anyone had phoned had surprised him; the fact that it had been AD Skinner, bearing the news that Scully was in grave trouble had shocked him. The fact that his immediate superior on the case had ordered him back to Washington via the nearest airport some 20 minutes later had totally astounded him. His ticket would be available for collection at the desk when he arrived at the terminal. When all was said and done, AD Skinner still had enough power to have pulled this one off! Walter had explained sketchily the events that had taken place at home in the past couple of hours. He'd reassured Mulder that his baby girl was fine, albeit a tad put out. The same could not be said for Dana. In the event they had decided to leave her at the apartment to get a decent night's rest, while Walter and Maggie spent the night in the nearby motel looking after little Abbie. They would all meet back at the apartment at about 8:30 next morning; Walter had calculated that Mulder should have completed his journey home by then. Mulder hadn't been happy about leaving Scully on her own, but there was no choice. He'd had plenty of time to reflect on things during the plane flight home; he should have slept but he was too wired to do anything but think and berate himself for the fool that he was. When he'd regained consciousness in hospital and then witnessed the birth of his child, he'd thought all his birthdays and Christmases for ever, had come at once. Him, Scully, the baby; his own family, everything he hadn't even realised he'd dreamed of, longed for. All his. The commitment he'd made to himself and to them that day, both excited and frightened him. They would make a go of it; everything would be fine. They would set up house together and would sail off into the sunset, happy ever after. His beautiful wife, his tiny daughter. The reality had been so different. Scully had changed completely once they were out of hospital. He'd painted himself a very rosy picture. He had envisioned cozy nights together, watching a video, getting to know each other. Taking up were their relationship had left off all those months ago. Playing with his child. To be quite honest he wasn't quite sure how this happy family thing should work; lets face it, with his dysfunctional family, he didn't have much in the way of role models did he? The truth of the matter was that Abigail both fascinated and terrified him. She was so tiny, so wobbly, and so fragile. He wanted so much to be a good father; better than his own had been but he did not know how to go about it. She didn't seem to like him. Come to think of it, Abbie didn't seem to like her mother much either! He thought he might hurt Abbie with his great hands. He'd made one or two attempts at holding her, tried to change her diaper once (he'd almost upchucked his breakfast that occasion). He came to the conclusion that he was not very good Daddy material; he had no one to ask for advice. Scully nursed the baby on demand, which was virtually all the time. He'd tried to carrying her around when she wouldn't settle, but for the most part had been more than relieved when Scully hadn't pushed him to take care of the child. After all this was a 'female' thing, all mothers instinctively knew how to take care of their young. Didn't they? Recently he'd begun to wonder whether this really was the case. Abbie never stopped crying, he was beginning to suffer from sleep deprivation. Suddenly it hit him. What a complete ass-hole he'd been! If he, who could exist on a couple of hours sleep a night felt like this, what about Scully? The poor kid needed her sleep, she had always zoned out whenever she got the chance! He had teased her about it for years. Scully, who had always been so neat so tidy had become so disheveled. Didn't wash, didn't get dressed, didn't seem to care about her appearance. What was worse, she didn't seem to give a damn about him and his needs. He'd tried to get near her, touch her, cuddle her; she'd either get up to the baby or fall asleep on him. She would turn on him, yelling at him like a fishwife. He just didn't understand her anymore. She'd got everything she wanted from life; all her dreams come true. Why was she so pissed of with life? He just didn't know what made her tick. To be honest, he'd been glad to get back to work. He didn't have to put up with her ranting one minute, sobbing the next. He'd been so confused! And that episode just before he'd been sent off on this latest assignment; she'd virtually thrown him out of the apartment, no kiss goodbye, no "take care of yourself" nothing. He'd felt so hurt, didn't understand what was wrong. He'd just wanted a wife, a family....Did *she* know That? Had he ever actually told her, asked her? Did she know that he thought of her as his wife already? Had he asked to marry him? He'd assumed that eventually they would get married, but he'd never actually given the when part of it any thought. Had he ever told her anything? He knew his inter-personal skills sucked, but they had always communicated so well. Hadn't they? All that time when he was missing. Yes, they could communicate non-verbally; but did they ever talk, say the words to each other? No. What was it with them, that they couldn't, wouldn't tell each other how they really felt about anything, everything. This had always been their problem, eight years together and they still could not articulate about the things that were most important to them. Monsters, mutants, alien conspiracies and the most bizarre theories; yes. But anything personal, things that needed to be said, forget it! By the time he got off the plane, he realized how much he was to blame for all this. He hadn't been there for her at all, none of them had. They'd all had their own personal expectations; but had anyone asked his Scully what she wanted, what she needed? 8:21 AM He lay here beside her now, holding her in his arms; caring for her for the first time in so very long. He admitted how thoughtless he'd been, how self-centered. She was too independent to feisty to ever ask for help from anyone. How much support had he given her? None. She'd been left pregnant, frightened, alone. She'd worked right through the pregnancy trying to find him, to support herself, keep things going until his return. Then she'd been thrown in at the deep end and been expected to swim. Their relationship was so very new, she'd gone through all that on her own; with no support from him. *Of course* she didn't know how to act around him. He sure as hell had no idea either. It had taken a near tragedy before anyone would come to her aid. It would be tough, getting over this. The fact that for a brief moment in time she'd wanted, almost needed to kill her beloved child. He felt a momentary flash of insight. How many other loving parents had come to this; been driven to go on further? Had it started out like this for his own parents? Had they just not had the strength of character to turn away? Had that been the reason for his own miserable childhood. What was most important for Mulder was that she had fought this murderous survival instinct, fought it and won. In the depths of her despair, she'd found courage. Instead of hurting her child, she'd gently picked her our of the water, wrapped her safely in towels and left her on the bath mat; she'd managed to walk away, before she totally freaked out. His Scully was so strong, yet so vulnerable. He silently promised her that he would make things right for her. She'd never have to go through anything like this alone again. They were partners for life; a family. He would learn; do whatever it took to make them happy. She stirred in his arms, Then tried to push away, her eyes opened wide; looking up at him in terror. He wouldn't let her go. He held her to him, rocking her gently. There was nothing to forgive, he could never judge her! She clung on to him as her body was racked with sobs; cleansing and healing her mind and soul. They lay holding each other, they could work it out; They'd finally returned to each other after all this time. They had discovered hope, and with that, the end to the darkness of their despair. There was the sound of the key tuning in the lock, and from outside the door, came the disgruntled yelling of their infant daughter. End. Feedback to me, pretty please! ewa@whatewa.com *~*~*~* 'Tread softly for you tread on my dreams.'