From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Mon, 30 Aug 1999 19:02:48 -0500
Subject: The List by K Barthel
Source: direct

Reply To: cazmike@magpage.com


Title -  The List
Author - K. Barthel
E-Mail address - send it care of:  cazmike@magpage.com
Rating - R
Category - MSR
Spoilers - Milagro
Keywords - romance
Summary - After 6 years, its time to let go of regrets.
Distribution - Gossamer and all others -- all I ask is that you let me know 
                      via e-mail.
Feedback - yes 
Disclaimer - The X-Files and its characters are property of Chris Carter, 
1013 Productions and the Fox network.  No copyright infringement is 
intended.  This is pure fan fiction....that is all.


The List


He sat next to her, quiet and still.  It had been 3 hours since the paramedics
and the police had left.  The neighbors quietly crept back into their 
own apartments, and the flashing lights from the emergency vehicles 
receded into the night.  The only physical sign of the night's activities was 
the rather large blood stain on the apartment floor and the once white 
blouse that Scully was wearing, now covered in her drying blood.

He was worried.   Never had he seen her lose her composure as she had 
tonight.  Never had he heard her cry out so loudly, so hysterically.  Never 
had she held him so tight and for so long.  She had clung to him for so 
long that the blood soaking her clothes now soaked his.  His dark gray 
tee shirt now smeared with her blood.  He did not care.  He was worried.

The paramedics had done their best in trying to ascertain the damages 
to Scully for the blood loss appeared to be great.  A quick examination, 
all that Scully would allow, only succeeded in confusing them more for 
no wound was found.  A bruise, the size of a fist, had started to appear 
on Scully's chest, but with no sign of any puncture or laceration the 
medics were at a loss.   When they tried to persuade her to go to the 
hospital she stubbornly said "No" so they gathered their equipment and 
left her alone with the tall man introduced to them as her partner.

She was quiet and still and Mulder was at a loss as to what to do.  Her 
eyes did not appear to be focused on any one thing in the apartment, 
rather just staring off into oblivion.  

"Scully" he said quietly, hoping she would at least acknowledge his 
existence.  She turned slightly but her eyes remained unfocused.  It was 
as if she was not sitting next to him at all, but rather far away in a place 
he could not reach.  He was watching her drown in her fears and for all 
his education and knowledge he was at a loss as to what to do, so he did 
the only thing he could think of.....he moved closer, reached out and held 
her hand.

"Scully, talk to me" he pleaded.  

"Look" he continued, "I know that what just happened was something 
neither you or I are yet able to explain,  but staring off into space is not 
going to make it go away,  you need to talk to me."

She remained still, his words soaking into her brain for the first time 
since he found her on the floor.  She remembered the feeling of death 
surrounding her like the hand that had gripped her heart, she remembered 
the intense pain that had convinced her of her oncoming death,  
she remembered "The List." 

Then came the darkness.  A total black that surrounded her like the 
darkest of nights and she remembered feeling herself give into the 
blackness, welcoming it as a relief to the pain, a medicine for death.  Then 
she awoke to see Mulder, to realize her life had not yet ended and there 
was still time to complete "The List."

"Jesus Scully -- talk to me" Mulder yelled.  "You are scaring the shit out of me!"

"I'm fine Mulder" she said quietly.

Mulder grinned slightly at the word "fine" for it was one he had heard 
many times before.  He had silently wished that he had received a nickel 
for every time she at said 'that' word.  How many times had he heard it in 
the last six years?  How many times would he hear it tonight?  However 
tonight was different, tonight he would not except it.  A hysterical and 
out-of-control Scully was not what Fox Mulder was used to and the word 
"fine" definitely did not describe Scully tonight.  He could still see the terror 
in her eyes and in her body language.  She was curled up on the couch, her 
legs tucked under her as if she was trying to hide.  She had pulled the suit 
jacket she was wearing tight across her chest, the fabric gripped tightly in 
her hand.  

"Do you want a drink" he asked, hoping she would continue the 
conversation.

"Yeah, that would be nice" she replied, surprising Mulder at her quick 
acceptance.

He quietly walked into the kitchen looking over his shoulder several times 
to make sure Scully was OK.  He fumbled through the cabinets until he 
found a bottle of red wine he had bought a few weeks back. Grabbing two 
glasses from the cupboard and the corkscrew from the drawer he returned 
to the living room and sat next to Scully.   

"I assumed you needed a little something more than water, so I hope you 
don't mind" he said as he placed the glasses on the coffee table and started 
removing the metal wrapping from around the neck of the bottle.  

Scully looked at the glasses on the table and then back at Mulder now 
wrestling with the metallic wrapping around the neck of the bottle.  The 
war was won quick enough and the defiant wrapping was tossed onto the 
table.  A small "pop" signified the removal of the cork and Mulder poured 
the deep red liquid into the glasses.  He quickly sipped some from his own 
glass before handing  the other glass to Scully.  She reached out to take the 
glass from Mulder only to have her hand shake so badly that she quickly 
pulled it away from the glass as if she had been burned.  Mulder swallowed 
hard as he realized that Scully was still shaken by the night's events.  She 
had told him that she was "fine" but her body had betrayed her.   He moved 
from the sofa and sat on the coffee table directly facing Scully, her wine 
glass still in his hand.  He starred at the floor a few moments trying to think 
of something to say and then decided to take the direct approach whatever 
the result.

"Let's try that again shall we" he stated, raising the glass up to Scully's 
mouth.  She pulled away from his helpful gesture almost immediately.  
Slowly she raised her eyes to meet his own.  Her deep blue eyes were filled 
with tears, almost to the point of overflowing, and her lips quivered as she 
started to speak.

"Mulder, don't do this" she said quietly.  "Don't baby me.  I'm an adult 
and I'm fine.  I'm just a little shaken by everything and need a few minutes 
to get control."

Ten cents --  he thought as his imaginary cash register rang up the second 
nickel of the night.

"Scully" he interrupted.  "You've had over 3 hours to gain 'control' and it 
doesn't appear to be working."

"I am not babying you!  I'm trying to help"  he softly scolded.

"Scully you're shaken and all I'm trying to do is give you something to 
help you to relax."

"Now" he continued, "Either you let me assist you in drinking this glass 
of marvelous Merlot or you can try it yourself, although I think you will 
wear much more of it than you'll swallow."

A small smile crossed Scully's face for a moment and she again looked 
into Mulder's gray eyes.  He was right and she knew it.  Her hands 
continued to shake and she knew she needed something more than Mulder's 
caring ways to calm her nerves.  She nodded silently to him and he again 
raised the glass to her lips.  Her small hands wrapped around his and he 
guided the glass to her lips.  The warm red liquid slid down her throat 
almost too easily and she was immediately glad she had accepted his help.  
Her stomach warmed almost immediately and when Mulder tried to move 
the glass away from her, she glanced at him and said "No."  He again 
guided the glass towards her and she drank again.  The process was 
repeated two more times before the glass was empty and Scully's cheeks 
started to glow a pale shade of red.

Mulder put the empty glass on the coffee table and looked back at Scully.  

"Do you want to get cleaned up?" he asked noticing the drying blood 
that still covered her clothes.

Scully looked at him quizzically.   She did not have the strength or 
desire to travel across town to her own apartment, but a shower and 
clean clothes were definitely tempting. 

"You want to take me home" she asked disappointingly.

"No" he stated quickly.  "I don't think you should be alone tonight.   
I'm sure I have something around here that you can wear.  My shower 
works, I have clean towels and you are welcome to both of them."

She nodded once again, almost too tired to answer him.  Mulder 
reached across the coffee table and grabbed the bottle of wine. He filled 
her glass and then started to speak .

"Why don't you try to drink a little more of this and I'll see what I can 
do about finding you something to wear, OK?"

"OK" she replied quietly. 

Mulder stood up and walked slowly towards his bedroom.  He 
immediately tried to think of something he might own that could 
possibly fit Scully   He stopped at the bathroom door, glancing over his 
shoulder at Scully and got an idea.  He smiled to himself as he entered 
the bathroom and began searching the linen closet.  A broad smile 
crossed his face as his fingers found what he sought.   He turned the tub 
faucet on and started filling the tub with warm water.  As the bathtub 
continued to fill he walked into his bedroom and started rifling through 
his dresser looking for some sort of clothing fit to be worn by Scully.  
Looking down he noticed the tee shirt he was wearing , still smeared 
with blood, and removed it quickly,  throwing into the wastebasket on 
the other side of the room.  He grabbed another out of the drawer and 
slipped it over his head.   He continued to rummage through the drawers 
until he found an old light blue denim shirt and a pair of gray sweatpants 
he thought would do for Scully.    He walked back into the bathroom 
turning the faucet off and smiling again at his accomplishment. He went 
back into the living room to find Scully still curled up on the couch, the 
half empty glass of wine sitting on the coffee table.  He could see a few 
spots of wine on the table top, as well as on floor, but Scully did manage 
to drink some of it on her own so this was definitely progress.

"I think these will do" he said matter-of-factly to her as he handed her 
the clean clothes.

Scully looked up at Mulder and started unfolding her legs from beneath 
her body where they had been for several hours.  She slowly arose from 
the couch, letting the blood rush back into her cramped legs.  As she 
started to walk towards the bathroom a wave of dizziness washed over 
her and she grabbed at the chair sitting by the desk.  Mulder saw her 
waver and he rushed to her sides, putting his hands on her shoulders 
to steady her.

"Are you all right?" 

"Must be the wine" Scully replied.  Mulder's thoughts were different.  
How much blood did she lose?  Should she have gone to the hospital?  
The paramedics had assured him that, although there was a great 
amount of blood on Scully and on his apartment floor, the blood could 
not have belonged to Scully.  There were no signs of any wound,  so the 
blood had to belong to her attacker.... or did it?

Scully started walking slowly towards the bathroom again, but this time 
Mulder walked with her, his hands lightly placed on her shoulders just 
in case 'the wine' came into play again.  As she pushed open the bathroom 
door Mulder released his light grip and started to turn away, walking back 
to the living room.   As Scully walked into the bathroom what she saw 
startled her.  The bathtub was nearly overflowing with bubbles.

"Mulder" she said quizzically.  He turned to see her starring at him, her 
left eyebrow raised.  "Since when do you own bubble bath."

"It was a free sample I got in the mail" he lied.  "Just never got around 
to throwing it out so I figured you might like it."

"Thanks Mulder" Scully said as she closed the door behind her.

Fumbling with the buttons on her jacket, Scully sat on the edge of the tub.  
She removed the suit jacket  and tossed it onto the floor, knowing that she 
might never want to wear it again.  She had an abundance  of black 
jackets, so she could well afford to lose this one.  She slipped off her shoes 
and stood to remove her slacks.  As she slipped the slacks down her legs 
she winced as a small pang of pain crossed her chest.  She had struggled 
quite a bit when she was fighting for her life so a few muscle pulls were 
to be expected.  She slowly undid her blouse, fumbling with the blood 
soaked buttons.  As she removed the shirt, throwing it angrily into the 
corner of the room, she noticed amidst all the blood that covered her bra 
and chest,  a bluish-black bruise was forming just below the elastic band 
of her bra.  She slipped her fingers into the waistband of her underwear 
and removed them quickly, then unhooked the stained bra and threw them 
both into the pile of ruined clothes.  

She slowly stepped into the bathtub and was relieved that Mulder had run 
the water hot.  How did he know?   She loved hot baths and showers, but 
that was something she had never told Mulder, yet the water was just the 
right temperature and she slipped into the water gratefully.  

While Scully soaked in the tub Mulder paced nervously around his 
apartment.  He found a small rug in the hall closet and threw it over the 
bloodstain on the floor.  Scully did not need any reminders of the days' 
events.  He shuffled into the kitchen and looked around for some food 
suitable for dinner.   Mulder was never one to keep a kitchen stocked and 
now he was ruing that fact.  He looked in the refrigerator and did not find 
anything he thought appropriate for dinner.  Some three day old lunch meat 
and four day old bread did not sound too appealing to him, so he knew 
Scully would not appreciate it either.  As he closed the refrigerator, he 
noticed the pizza and Chinese take-out coupons stuck to the door with a 
wide variety of magnets.  He walked into the living room and thought about 
asking Scully what she would prefer for dinner, but he knew her answer 
would be she wasn't hungry.  An executive decision had to be made, so he 
picked up the phone and dialed Mr. Chen's House of China and placed a 
rather large, albeit appetizing order.  He then phoned the liquor store down 
the street ordering a few more bottles of wine.  Scully was not the only one 
shaken by the days' events. 

Forty-five minutes later Mulder had the coffee table set for a feast.  A fresh 
bottle of red wine was open and awaiting Scully's arrival along with a virtual 
Chinese food feast.  He had decided to order mostly appetizers so Scully 
would be able to have choose her meal without feeling obligated to eat 
whatever Mulder had thought she would want.  He looked at his watch and 
then approached the bathroom door quietly.  

Knocking lightly on the door he asked "Scully, you OK?" 

Several seconds passed before he heard, through the door, her reply. 

"Yes, I'm fine." 

Cha-ching  -- Mulder's imaginary cash register ringing up the third 
nickel of the night.

"I ordered some Chinese -- you hungry?"

He heard movement in the bathroom and the door slowly opened.  A 
freshly scrubbed Scully stood before him, his denim shirt hanging from her 
body like a child wearing its mother's clothing.  The sweatpants were not 
much better.  She had rolled the legs up two or three times and they still 
dragged the floor.  Her red hair, wet from the bath, was combed back.  To 
Mulder she was the most beautiful thing he had seen in his life.  He felt a 
warm rush of blood between his legs and he silently cursed himself the 
feeling.  Scully smiled slightly as she slowly walked by him,  her eyes 
looking towards the coffee table, now nearly overflowing with different 
take-out boxes and cartons. 

She smiled as she said "Are YOU hungry Mulder?"

His heart rejoiced at the smile.  This was the Scully he knew, this was 
the Scully he never wanted to live without.

"Well, I didn't know what you wanted to eat so I figured we would just 
have a smorgasbord" he replied.  

He lightly put his right hand on the middle of her back and guided her 
to the sofa.  He picked up one glass of wine and handed it to her, hoping 
silently that she would be able to hold the glass without shaking.  He was 
happy when she easily took the wine from him and sipped at the red liquid.

"Thanks" she said and he watched as her eyes started darting from box to 
box wondering what they contained.  He knew Scully loved Chinese food 
and his executive decision appeared to be correct.  The hot bubble bath had 
worked, the wine had worked and if he was correct, once Scully ate some 
food she would be back to her old self or at least that's what Mulder hoped.

He sat next to her on the sofa and started opening each box, announcing 
with great pleasure what each contained.  He was doing his best at making 
this night appear to be nothing more than a casual dinner between friends, 
even though he knew he could not be further from the truth.  Scully almost 
died tonight, and no amount of wine or Chinese food could make either of 
them forget that fact.

Two hours later the table was littered with empty cartons and another empty 
bottle of wine.  Mulder was amazed at Scully's appetite but he made no 
attempt of stating that fact.  She had eaten hungrily, trying each appetizer as if 
it was the first time she had ever had the food.  The wine also was consumed 
with great passion, both Mulder and Scully enjoying the spirits.  

Scully let out a rather loud belch and then said "Excuse me" quickly turning 
red with embarrassment.  

Mulder laughed and said "No problem" following with a loud belch of his own.  
Scully laughed at Mulder, the wines effect keeping her worries in check.

"You done" Mulder asked as he started to get up from the couch.  Scully 
flashed him a quick look of surprise, as if she could have eaten one more bite.

"Yes, I think the only thing left is the paper of the cartons" she said smiling 
back at him.

Mulder started gathering the empty cartons and Scully rose to help him. 

"No" he stated, "You stay there, I'll do this."

"I can help" she slurred slightly as she started picking up the cartons.  

He grinned silently to himself as he watched a not to sober Scully walk 
towards the kitchen balancing three boxes in one hand, the empty bottle 
of wine in the other.  It did not take long for them to clean up the remainders 
of the feast and Mulder put a pot of coffee on while Scully excused herself to 
use the bathroom.

Scully emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later only to have Mulder 
pass her in the hallway, himself needing to use the facility.  When he came 
out a short time later he found Scully standing in the kitchen trying her best 
to pour the steaming hot coffee into two mugs sitting on the countertop.  He 
noticed her hands shaking and silently hoped it was due to the wine and 
NOT to the days' activities.

"You need help" he asked, then quickly cursing himself for using the H word.  

Scully looked over her shoulder at Mulder and said "Yes, I think I should have 
stopped at one bottle of wine."  She put the pot back onto the coffeemaker and 
stepped back so Mulder could finish the task.  As she started to grab the one 
mug, Mulder reached out, putting his hand on hers, "Let me, you go get 
comfortable" he said.   She nodded, knowing that Mulder was much more sober 
than she, and turned slowly walking back into the living room.  By the time she 
sat down Mulder was already by her side and placing the two steaming mugs 
onto the coffee table as he sat down next to her.

They sat quietly at first, Mulder searching for something to say and Scully 
wanting to say nothing at all.  She was doing her best at trying not to think about 
the events that had transpired that day.  But try as she might,  Scully could still 
she the man in the hooded sweatshirt, the sound of her service revolver being fired 
again and again, the intense pain as his fingers penetrated her skin..... and the 
Goddamned "List"!

"You want to watch some TV?" Mulder asked. 

"No" she replied.  "I'd rather just sit here for awhile."

Mulder stood up and walked over to the old stereo in the corner in the corner 
of his apartment.

"How about some music" he asked.

"Sure, fine, whatever" she snapped.

Cha-ching he thought, as yet another nickel was deposited.  Twenty cents and 
going strong 

Mulder walked over to Scully and began to speak, "You might feel better if you 
just talk about it   I know what happened tonight scared you.  It scared both of us,  
but my God Scully you're alive,  and as far as I'm concerned that's all that 
matters!  Padgett is dead, that psychic freak is gone and you're alive" he stressed.

Scully looked at Mulder, again her eyes filled with tears.  How could she 
explain to him how she felt?  How could she tell Mulder the thoughts that were 
running through her mind?  She had not been able to do it for the past six years, 
how could she do it now?

"I'm just tired Mulder" she lied.  "Too much wine, I guess."

"How about I fix up the bed for you and you can try to get some sleep" he 
replied tenderly.

"I'd rather just sit here for a while" Scully said as she motioned towards 
the couch.

"All right" he replied, "but don't get mad at me when you wake up with a 
crick in your neck" he said grinning.

"Never" she said and leaned back into the cushions closing her eyes 
almost immediately.

Mulder grabbed one of the mugs of coffee and walked into the kitchen, 
not wanting to wake Scully he occupied himself with cleaning the rest 
of the dishes and quietly taking out the trash.  The book he had been 
reading on psychology was still sitting on the end table.  Grabbing the 
book  he sat on the floor next to the now sleeping Scully and tried to 
read a few chapters but his thoughts continued to replay the events of 
the afternoon.  He saw  Scully lying on the floor covered in blood, he 
heard her screams as he had exited the elevator, and those damn gunshots!  
How many times had he almost lost her?  He listened to her quiet breathing 
and his mind drifted to somewhat happier times.  The day she first walked 
into his office, wide-eyed and nervous, the night mosquito bites enabled him 
to see more of Scully's body than he had dreamed.  How long had he been in 
love with Dana Scully?  Was it the first day they met, or the day after?  He 
closed his eyes and smiled for he knew his dreams would soon take him to 
the place he longed to be.  In Scully's arms.

Two hours passed before Mulder was awakened by screams. 

Scully was thrashing about on the couch, her arms and legs wildly flaring 
about, fighting off a demon of her dreams.  Mulder got up quickly, gently 
putting his hands on her shoulders.  

"Scully, it's OK, wake up" he said quietly, hoping not to startle the frightened 
woman. 

Scully continued to fight, screaming "No, no, no" again and again.  Mulder 
squeezed her shoulders tightly,  trying desperately to wake her.  "Dana wake 
up, it's me .... Mulder" he said, not realizing he had used her given name. 

Her eyes flied open, wide with terror.  "Oh my God" she spoke hoarsely, "It 
was only a dream."

"Yeah" he replied nervously, "and a pretty bad one at that."

"What time is it?" she asked, running her fingers through her now sweat 
dampened hair.

Mulder glanced at his watch and replied  "A little after midnight.  Why - you 
have somewhere to go?" he added sarcastically trying to make the best of a bad 
situation. 

Scully just looked at him and then reached across to grab her now cold cup 
of coffee. 

"Here, let me heat that up for you" he said as he tried to reach for the cup,
but Scully had already begun drinking the cold brown liquid.  He hated 
when she did that.  How could anyone drink cold coffee?  She had done it 
so many times that  Mulder should have grown used to it, but it still ran 
shivers down his spine.  He grimaced silently as he watched his sleepy 
eyed partner finish the entire cup.

"Be right back" she said as she got up from the sofa and walked towards 
the bathroom tugging at the waistband of the baggy sweatpants she wore.  
After relieving herself of the many glasses of wine she had drunk, Scully 
starred into the mirror as she washed her hands.  Her hair was tangled 
and damp and creases on her face seemed to match those that were 
stitched into the sofa.  She looked around the room and found Mulder's 
comb on the shelf, using it quickly as if he would have cared, she placed 
it back on the shelf and returned to the living room to find Mulder flipping 
through channels on the TV.   As soon as she appeared, Mulder hit the "off" 
button and the television went silent.

"You can leave it on" she said quietly, as if not caring one way or another.

"No" he replied, "You need your sleep."

"Been there, done that" she said quickly and plopped back onto the sofa.  

"Mulder" she asked "Do you ever think about dying?"

"Scully" he began, "It's an inevitability, everyone dies eventually, why 
think about it?"

She shrugged her shoulders, the overly large denim shirt hardly moving 
from its position.  She got up and walked to the kitchen, returning with 
another bottle of wine, two glasses and the corkscrew.  Mulder eyed her 
suspiciously, never having seen Dana Katherine Scully so free with the 
spirit of the grape.  She handed him the bottle and the corkscrew and 
placed her hands on her hips impatiently.

"No" she continued, "I don't mean the act of dying, I mean your final 
thoughts as you slip from this place to the next.  What would they be?"

It was Mulder's turn to shrug as he won yet another war with a cork.   He 
filled both glasses and handed one to Scully, noticing her hands shaking 
ever so slightly as she took the glass.

"I've honestly never thought about it" he replied, lying through his teeth.

"Well I have" she responded as she walked towards the window.  Moving 
the curtains aside she noticed nothing outside except the street lights and 
a few cars passing by on the street below.   Glancing over her shoulder she 
continued with what she knew would be the hardest conversation of her life.

"When the doctors told me I had cancer" she started, "I didn't believe them. 
There was no way I could have such a dreaded disease.  I was 29 years old 
for Christ sake, my whole life ahead of me.  Who the hell were they to tell 
me I was going to die!"  She leaned against the desk, nervously fingering 
the glass in her hands.  She turned toward Mulder and spoke again.  

"But it was true, I was dying.  I remember the doctor coming into my 
hospital room and telling my mother and I there was nothing else he could 
do.  I remember him leaving the room and Mom holding me, rocking me as 
we cried together.  Her for yet another loss of a daughter, and me.......crying 
for a life I never had a chance to live."

She took another swallow of her wine and continued talking, her voice 
quivering as she spoke.

"That night, after Mom and Bill had left, I lay awake thinking about all the 
things I had wanted to do with my life, all the places I always wanted to visit.  
I made a list that night, of all the things most important to me and then I 
prayed to God to let me live so I could complete my life ...... and my List."

Mulder had not looked away from Scully since she began speaking.   
Mesmerized by her openness, he had never heard Dana talk like this before 
and he was afraid that any minute she would stop.  A pin could have been 
heard dropping in his apartment that night.  It was as if the night had stopped 
for Scully to speak and the world would not continue until Dana completed 
her journey.

"And I lived" she continued after a long pause.  "I went into remission, the 
cancer was gone and life went on the way it had.  I forgot The List and I 
never looked back."

"I didn't think about The List I had made until the night, several months ago,  
in the hallway" motioning with her head towards his apartment door.  

Mulder knew immediately what night she was talking about, a night he would 
never forget,  for that night was almost the turning point in their relationship, 
something Mulder still cursed himself for not completing.

"Who would have thought that a sting from a bee would have brought that List 
back into my thoughts full force.  As I laid on the floor trying so desperately to 
breathe,  I remember thinking I was going to die and then.................. I 
remembered The List............. and the fact I never even tried completing it." 

"Through no fault of my own" she said raising her glass to Mulder as if to toast 
his chivalry, "I survived....and life went on just like it had before and The List 
was forgotten once again."

She walked slowly to the coffee table, offering Mulder her glass to refill.  Fox 
did not think twice about filling the glass,  for Scully was talking to him about 
things he had never heard her talk about and if it was because of the wine, so 
be it!  He needed to know.

She walked back to the desk, once again leaning against it for support.  She 
took another drink from the glass and sighed.  Mulder knew she was not 
finished with her story, nor did he want her to be, but he knew she was growing 
nervous with the honesty she professed.  He sat and waited for her to continue.

A few minutes went by before Dana spoke again, her voice sounding nervously 
weak.

"I hadn't thought about The List since that time, and then my trek to New 
York to help an old FBI friend ended up with me on a photographer's 
darkroom floor with a bullet in my chest.  I remember the pain and watching 
as my life's blood flowed from the wound.  I remember seeing a bright light....... 
whether it was from the doorway or from God.......I'll never know.........and 
then I remember thinking I was going to die and, or course, I remembered 
The List.  It came back to me as if I had wrote it minutes before.  All the 
words, all the promises.......all the regrets." 

"Yet again" she continued, "I survived.  Life went on, the list was, once 
again, forgotten."

She took another drink and turned towards the window, not able to look in 
Mulder's direction anymore.  He had not moved from his position on the 
couch.  Although his only thoughts had been to run to her, to hold her, to 
make her feel safe,  Mulder stayed glued to the couch knowing Scully 
needed to continue.

"Until this afternoon" she said quietly, "when I lay on your floor, believing 
I was to die.  I silently made myself the same promise.........God let me live....
....there are things I still need to do.....and here I am....alive."

"But tonight was different Mulder" she spoke, "Tonight I decided that 
FOUR times is the charm......and I won't live another day with regrets."  
She turned towards him, the tears in her eyes reflecting the light from 
the table lamp.

As Dana thought about the next words she was about to speak her heart 
started pounding in her chest.  She looked at the glass she held in her 
hand, debating but for a second to drink the last swallow as if it would 
give her the courage to go on.  She felt her blood coursing through her 
veins, her head pounding with the fear of the words.  Mulder felt it too.  
He knew the words Scully wanted to speak, he knew them as if they were 
his own self.  He had wanted to say them for so long but could only find 
the courage after an ample supply of pain medication, in a hospital in the 
Caribbean, had been administered to him.

Dana nervously fingered the glass, looked up at Mulder and in a weak 
and quivering voice said,  "I'm in love with you Mulder."

The world stood still for Fox Mulder.  He started to get up from the 
sofa when Scully loudly said "NO!" holding her hand up in the air as 
if to fend off his approach.

"Mulder" she said quietly, "I'm scared."

"Of me" he questioned, still standing next to the couch.  

God ...how he wanted to run to her but he was frozen, unable to take 
a step,  knowing that the truths both of them held so secretly were 
about to be set free.

"No" she replied, "I'm frightened by the feelings I have for you."

"Do you know how many times I have thought of this moment" she 
continued.  "Do you know how many times my dreams have woken 
me.............dreams of you, Mulder............dreams of us!"

"These feelings terrify me!" She stated emphatically, and before 
Mulder could say a word, she continued,  "I no longer feel in control 
when I have them.  I feel as if I will be swallowed up if you so much 
as touch me.........God help me...........please help me."

It took Mulder four long strides to reach Scully.  He wanted so badly 
to hold her, to kiss her fears away, but the feelings she had confessed 
to him matched his own.  How can one human being want so much to 
have another,  yet be afraid to reach?

Scully felt the heat of Mulder standing next to her.  She could smell 
the fragrance of the soap he had used, his cologne,  his breath rich with 
wine.  She knew if she looked into his eyes all would be lost, yet if she 
did not she would die.  She brought the glass, still in her hand, to her 
mouth and drank the last swallow of wine...... and then their eyes met.

Mulder looked into her deep blue eyes with all the desire a person 
could ever have.  He saw in them a burning that matched his own and 
he took the final small step towards Dana.  He reached out slowly with 
his right hand, touching her face ever so slightly.  Dana's eyes closed 
slowly, letting herself drift into the feelings she had so long denied.   
She felt his hand move under her chin, tilting her face up towards his 
and she felt his breath on her face, hot with wine, hot with passion.  
Her eyes opened and starred into Mulder's and she watched as he slowly 
moved his mouth towards hers.

Their lips met slowly, hesitantly both wanting so much, yet both afraid 
to dream that this was possible.  The kiss was soft, non-invading......yet 
more powerful than either had ever known.  It lasted for but a few 
seconds and they pulled away, both heady from the experience.  Scully 
had imagined time and time again what this moment would be like, yet 
nothing her imagination to come up with equaled the feelings that this 
simple kiss brought.  A heat she had never known coursed through her 
body, making her legs weak and her body damp with the passion she felt.  
Mulder felt it too.  Moving through his body like a freight train out of 
control, the evidence felt in the tightness of his jeans.  He looked down at 
Scully, as if to ask permission to kiss her again.  He watched as her eyes 
left his own and wandered down his face, stopping at his lips.  She 
looked again into his eyes, then at his lips and then closed her eyes as 
Mulder's mouth again pressed against hers.

Their lips slid against each other with a passion building by the second, 
both wanting more, yet both still afraid of the consequences.  Mulder 
could not hold back anymore the hunger he felt for Scully, letting his 
tongue touch her lips ever so slowly.  Her mouth opened to welcome him 
and together their tongues began to dance the dance of passion and desire.  
Scully's right hand still held the empty wine glass and she slowly moved 
her arm back towards the desk depositing the glass safely on the surface.  
Both hands now free,  she wrapped her arms around Mulder's body and 
pulled him close.   His large hands ran up and down her back,  pulling 
her closer and closer to his body, needing to feel the curves of her body 
pressed against his.    

The kiss ended slowly, each needing air but needing each other so much 
more.  Mulder put his lips to Scully's forehead kissing it lightly then 
continued his journey traveling down Scully's face, kissing her cheeks, 
her nose, her chin and finally returning to the sweetness of her mouth. 

Scully's mind was reeling as Mulder continued to kiss her.  Her body was 
on fire, molten lava running through her veins.   Wet with the passion that 
Mulder had unleashed, her knees weakened as his tongue entered her 
mouth once again.  Mulder heard Scully moan as he continued to kiss her, 
stroking her back with his hands, pulling her body hard against his again 
and again.  He brought his right hand along Scully's side, letting his hand 
glide slowly up, rubbing the side of her breast as it traveled higher.  Scully 
moaned again, louder this time, as Mulder's hand cupped her breast through 
the thin faded denim shirt..  Her mouth pulled away from his, her head 
tilting back as she sighed.  She looked at Fox with the darkest of eyes, filled 
with the heat and passion he had stirred.  He let his hand drift down towards 
the bottom of the shirt, slipping under the fabric to rest on her naked stomach, 
slowly stroking her skin as it again traveled north to its destination.  

His hand, strong and firm, cupping her breast was all she could stand and she 
moaned, "Fox, please..........I don't think I can................please...."    

Mulder pulled away to look in Scully's eyes and nodded a silent yes.  He 
grinned a small smile, kissed her on her cheek and proceeded, very easily, 
to scoop her into his arms.  A small smile was all Dana could return to him, 
the passion so heavy in her body, all she wanted was to be with him.......
.. to hold him........to make love with him.

Walking into the dark bedroom Fox debated for a minute in turning on the 
light.  As he placed Dana carefully on the bed, he reached over to the night 
stand and turned on the lamp. Mulder had waited too long to have Dana in 
his bed to not want to see her love him as he loved her.  Slowly he lay down 
next to her, touching her face as he did.  Dana's eyes were wide with a fire 
that burned deep into her soul and as Fox started slowly unbuttoning  the 
denim shirt she closed her eyes, nerves winning out over passion.  As the last 
button was freed from its hole, and her shirt fell open,  Fox saw the large 
bluish-black bruise that had formed just below Dana's breasts.  

He gazed at her face and said softly, "Dana, look at me."  

Scully opened her eyes slowly and watched as Mulder moved over her 
and tenderly kissed the bruise.  

He looked deep into her eyes and whispered, "You're beautiful."  

Dana's fingers laced themselves through Fox's hair, pulling his head 
towards her, wanting to feel his mouth on hers again.  Mulder had 
other ideas.  He pulled lightly away from her grasp, moving downward 
until he found her breast with his mouth.  

Dana instinctively arched her back has Mulder's lips completed their 
quest.  Gently tasting, nipping and licking his way from one breast to 
the other Dana could do nothing to stop him in his journey, nor did she 
want to.  The basic instincts deep within her took over.  Her breathing 
becoming more rapid the further Mulder's journey took him.  As his 
hands roamed across her body she closed her eyes and languished in 
the feelings washing over her.

The need to feel his body against her own gave Scully the power to 
tug Mulder's tee shirt from his pants.  With shaking fingers she found 
the zipper on his jeans, tugging it downward, needing to feel him in her 
hand.  Mulder pushed back away from Scully in order to better free 
himself from his blasted clothing and her eyes opened wide, almost 
frightened with the feeling that something was wrong.  She grinned 
when,  with one sweep of his arm, his tee shirt was removed and  flung 
across the room.   Seconds later his jeans followed suit, his urgency 
equivalent to hers.     He leaned across the bed to Scully and finished 
removing her shirt. She did not seem to notice the spaceship pattern 
on his boxers as he slipped them from his body and quickly lay back 
onto the bed, pulling Scully to his side.  His hands once again began 
roaming her body with tender caresses,  nibbling at her earlobes with 
tiny love bites.  His hands found the waistband of the gray sweatpants 
she wore and his fingers slipped easily inside, pushing the garment 
down her silky legs and onto the floor.  He let his hand wander slowly 
back up her leg, pausing just for a second when he felt the tiny red 
curls between her thighs. 

 Scully breathed deep and moaned his name, "Mulder...........Oh God.....
........I need you" she pleaded, again arching her body towards him, 
inviting him to become her lover.

Mulder felt the same urgency as Dana, having thought of this moment 
for years was more than enough foreplay for him.  He needed to have 
her, to hold her, to feel her wrap herself around him and beckon him 
inside. 

Slowly he began to kiss her again, long slow kisses, deep with passion 
and need.  He moved on top of her, careful not to hurt her already 
bruised chest, and her legs instinctively parted for him, beckoning 
him inward.   Dana's eyes slowly opened to see Mulder looking at her, 
his gray eyes dark with need, she felt him push against her opening 
and then enter her slowly and completely until they both were one.

"Oh my God" she gasped as Mulder slipped deeper into her, her 
tightness wrapping around him.  

Mulder sat back on his haunches, pulling Scully's hips closer until he 
was fully inside her.  They had both waited so long for this moment.  
It was as if neither wanted to move, instead staying so still all they could 
hear was the breathing of the other.  Then Mulder withdrew ever so 
slightly and Dana moaned, a soft feminine moan of desire.  Within 
seconds a rhythm between them had developed and before too long the 
passion grew too great.  Mulder knew he was not going to last for very 
much longer, Scully knew the same.  Her body was no longer her own, 
her actions came from deep within and her desires,  built on years of 
want,  were pulling her faster and faster into the whirlpool.

"Oh God" she gasped, feeling the first waves of orgasm wash over her.  

Mulder watched as her body began to quiver under him, moving with 
him as he continued sliding in and out of her, unable to control the 
raw passion between them.  Fox felt his own body begin to lose control, 
the sheer site of his beautiful Dana climaxing under him, sent him over 
the edge, and he blissfully emptied himself into her.

Slowly Fox pulled himself from Dana's body and a small moan escaped 
her lips.

"You OK" he said worriedly.

"I'm fine Mulder" she breathed.  "Very, very fine."

Cha-ching.

Cha-ching.