Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001 16:37:11 -0500 Subject: xfc: Listening to the Dream (1/1), by Ms. AM Source: xfc Title: Listening to the Dream (1/1) Author: Ms. AM Email: ALMowry@pathway.net Rating: NC-17 Spoilers: Up through Three Words Category: VA Keywords: MSR, SPOV Diclaimer: Um nope still don't own them. Archiving: All the usual places Goss. Ephem. etc. and whoever else wants it. Summary: "It was almost the perfect life, Scully, the normal life. Why did I dream of it then--why with her? I don't know, I really don't.... But there was this boy and I can remember the ocean, a dream within a dream, maybe. He seemed so sad... sad and lost." Author Notes: I actually wrote this the night before Three Words aired so I hope you can forgive any inconsistancies with what actually happened in the episode. Many, many thanks to my beta D, you're the best! Listening to the Dream (1/1) I haven't seen him in three days--three *long* days. Even phone conversations have been short and perfunctory. I was naive to think that having Mulder back, alive, would make everything okay. So many things have happened. I've changed--and Mulder has changed as well. Not surprising really, how could he not? I took him home to his apartment just three days ago. Those three days have seemed longer and I've felt more alone than I did the entire time he was missing. The feelings of loss I'd had when I thought him dead and buried were still present and oh-so-strong. For, although the strange and intangible bond we have always shared from the start has been tested, it has never been severed. Maybe it has now. He's back, but his words the other day left me hurt and confused.... * * * * * * * * "Having you back... Mulder, my prayers were answered." Mulder was leaning against his desk, watching the aquarium and the brightly colored fish swimming therein. "You cleaned my fish tank, Scully?" he asked, his voice tinged with humor. I wondered if he'd heard what I said, but when he looked at me I knew he had. Mulder's eyes held an emptiness I had seen before, in my own eyes as I tried to piece my life back together after my own abduction. I couldn't believe he didn't know how different things were after all we'd been through. "Scully," he began. "I'm having trouble--I mean I can't even believe any of this is really happening." He stood and walked over to me, reaching out to cup my face with one hand. "I don't want to do the wrong thing, Scully. I don't want to hurt you." He brushed my tears away with his thumb and sighed. "I don't want to hurt myself either. Scully, I see things on your face, questions and answers, but *I* need to find *me*." As he dropped his hand, his fingertips just grazed my stomach. The child within me moved into that contact point with a force I hadn't felt before. I gasped and Mulder jerked his hands away, bowing his head and turning. His voice was hoarse when he spoke. "I need some time, Scully." I walked out of his apartment in a daze. The moment I got back to my own, I sank to the cold, hard floor and cried myself to sleep. * * * * * * * * It's been three days and now I find myself driving to his apartment wearing my coat over robe and slippers with my hair barely dry from bathing. My mother would have a fit, I think as I pull up to the curb. I can't explain my impulse to myself let alone anyone else, so I don't even try. I've often used the stairs before, but the elevator is much easier these days. After what seems like an eternity spent in it, I slip the key into the lock for apartment 42. I don't really care if he's sleeping or not--if he is, I'll just watch him breathe for a while. If he's awake, I'll tell him the truth as best I can. I had--no--I needed to see him, just to be sure. Sure that I'm not dreaming and I'll wake up standing in a graveyard near a freshly dug plot. I ease the door open and am met by a kind of *thump- clank* sound. The light coming from the bedroom is low, but I can see his shadow moving. Moving closer until I stand in the doorway, I see Mulder doing arm curls. He's naked except for maroon boxers and I am mesmerized by the movements of his muscles, the sheen of sweat dotting his skin. The weight bench I'd had delivered for his physical therapy seems to be working. Mulder is still thin and scarred, but I can already see a difference. He's healing. Without my help. Without me. "Mulder." His name slips from my lips. His body goes still and he sets the weight down with another, louder *THUMP-CLANK*. He turns and sees me, his eyes widening. "Scully? Did you drive over here dressed like that?" he asks, amusement in his tone. I nod my head, tears cascading down my face. I'm so tired of crying, of my life being one tragedy after another. "What's wrong?" he asks, his forehead furrowing while concern fills his voice now. "I, I just had to see you--I wanted--I needed to see you...." Silence fills the room until I manage to whisper. "Please don't send me away." His eyes soften and the same voice that lured me onto a softball field one night works its magic once again. "C'mere Scully." He stands as I reach him. "Here, sit down, Scully." He motions for me to sit on the bench, takes my coat off and helps me slide back so I'm resting on the incline. The position seems to thrust my stomach out even further. I'm more than aware my bathrobe has opened far enough for Mulder to see as much or as little as he wants. I'm very curious where this is leading when he straddles the bench, facing me and I notice his hands tremble as they unknot the sash to my robe. His right hand comes up, one finger tracing a straight line from the base of my throat to just below my breasts. He stops and looks at his own chest and his eyes are haunted when he starts to rise. "Let me put on a T-shirt or something," he mutters. "Mulder," I stop him with a hand on his arm. He gingerly sits back down and I lean forward and kiss the pinkish-red scar adorning his sternum. "It's okay," I whisper before leaning back. He sighs and parts my robe fully, his hands cup my breasts, fuller now than when we last were together. I moan as his fingers and thumbs grasp my nipples, rolling them gently. I close my eyes, letting the sensations move through me. "I saw Diana pregnant." My eyes open with his statement; I don't want to hear this. He smiles, but it's a sad smile. "Before, Scully, before us. It was just a dream, but I accepted it until you came and pulled me back. It was like jumping from one scene to another. She came to me with seduction in mind but I don't remember the sex. The next day she said I was a child, that I needed to grow up and to do that I needed to become a father." He goes from kneading my breasts to tugging my nipples into points. I close my eyes again and listen to him talk. He needs this. "It was almost the perfect life, Scully, the normal life. Why did I dream of it then--why with her? I don't know, I really don't.... But there was this boy and I can remember the ocean, a dream within a dream, maybe. He seemed so sad... sad and lost." I moan a little louder when one of Mulder's hands takes up residence between my legs. His fingers trail flames of desire through my folds, teasing and stroking my clitoris. "I thought I gave it up to be with you, but not in the way it sounds--I didn't think you and I were meant to have a normal life together. In the dream, I didn't know why I had it with her, but I did know why I couldn't have it with you. The difference was that, until then, I'd never allowed myself to realize I wanted it so much. Even in my dreams I didn't allow myself to have it with the woman I wanted. I thought the only way I could have you was as a partner, a friend. "If a dream is an answer to a question, then I had mine the minute you pulled me back from the death and the lie I was allowing myself to drown in. My answer was--is--you." Tears threaten behind my eyes, but Mulder's fingers continue to dance across my skin, causing passion to override sadness. "When you asked me to father a child, I almost said no. I didn't listen to the answer my dream gave me, but that little bit of hope for something more normal caused me to say yes. I'm not sure I really thought everything through-- did I want to be a father, did you expect me to be one... did you want *me*, too? "Scully, when you told me the last attempt didn't work, I felt as if I'd followed the wrong path--that I should have told you no. But I was afraid. I was afraid you wanted a child so deeply that... that it didn't matter if it was mine." Two fingers push inside of me, his thumb circles my clitoris. "I was wrong, Scully, wrong to give up on a dream. Dreams aren't always answers, sometimes they're possibilities waiting to happen." Mulder's lips surround my left nipple and as he sucks and flicks his tongue over the hard peak, I cry out with my climax. He pumps his fingers slower and stops when the contractions of my vagina still. He's not touching me anymore and I open my eyes to find his eyes closed and his body trembling. His erection isn't content to hide, finding its own way out in the open through the fly in his boxers. "Mulder?" The pain coupled with lust I see when he opens his eyes frightens me. "I want to remember all of it, Scully. I want to remember what it's like to fuck you and make love to you, but most of all I want to remember the night we made a miracle." I search his face, I'm not sure if he's being serious. Does he really not remember or is it just that it's been so long he can't believe it wasn't all a dream? If I say no, will I ever get this moment back? Though not recently, I've had cramping and spotting with this pregnancy and I know sexual relations would be forbidden. "Make love to me, Mulder." He stands and removes his boxers, then leans over and kisses my lips for the first time since he's been back. I start to stand, intending to head to the bed since positions are limited with my new girth. Mulder stops me before I get very far. "Just lie back, Scully." He sits back down, bringing his groin flush with my own. I can feel his penis already parting folds and seeking out a place to sheath itself. Mulder's right--we can make love facing each other. The incline of the bench will keep my breasts accessible and my stomach out of the way. "Ready, Scully?" I nod and gasp as he lifts me slightly, gaining a better angle and thrusting into me partway. I start to squirm in his grasp, needing him inside me all the way. One more thrust and he's there. His moan is long and low as he lets his breath out with a whoosh; I think he was holding it. I realize I'm circling my hips when he pants out, "Stop, Scully, give me a moment." He just feels so good and it's been too long since we've been together. I'm about to say 'now, Mulder, please' when he pulls out and slides back in. Our moans are in perfect harmony when he repeats the motion again... and again.... He drops my hips down and changes the long strokes to short, quick jabs. Then he reaches out and tugs on my nipples until I'm sobbing with pleasure as two orgasms sweep through me, one on the heels of the other. "God, Scully--I want to kiss you," he groans out as he lifts my hips up again, his pace increasing in both speed and strength. My hands move from the long bar above my head to hold my stomach, but I do kiss my fingers and hold them to Mulder's lips. He sucks them into his mouth and starts to bite down, but stops himself. Instead he throws his head back and growls with his own climax. I swear I can feel each pulse as his penis twitches and empties inside me. We both stumble to the bed, where I crawl in first and he presses himself against my back. We lie in silence for a while, each listening to the other breathe until our respirations match. Finally I hear Mulder, his voice tentative as his hand rests on my hip. "Scully? Can I...." I don't even answer as I smile and pull his hand all the way around me. His palm is hot on my skin and his fingers splay out to cover my stomach. I can feel his smile against my neck. "I thought it'd be kinda soft, but it's hard. You sure there isn't a basketball in there? I've looked all over my apartment and I can't find mine." I blush and hide my face in the pillow a little. "It's at my apartment Mulder." "What? I knew it! You had your wicked way with me and all this time you wanted me for my basketball." I nod my head. "Yes, you're right, Mulder. It's much better company than you--it only makes noise when I bounce it against the floor." It's so good to hear him laughing that I keep playing along. "Why don't you come pick it up over at my place? No hurry, of course." "Of course," he echoes. The baby begins to move against Mulder's fingers, not hard kicks but more like pushes. Maybe it's the pre-birth version of a handshake. I don't know, but I find myself drifting into sleep. "This is real, isn't it, Scully?" Mulder whispers with awe. "It's real, Mulder. It's real," I reply before sleep claims me. The End... sort of. (Those who want a little more angst read on. However this is speculation of the trailer for the next 5 eps so you may not want to be spoiled) Extra little Bit of angst..... I want Mulder, I need him with me. If I'm going to lose this child I don't want to do it alone. Why isn't he here? The bleeding has stopped, but the baby hasn't moved and I'm scared. The nurse comes in, breaking into my thoughts. "Dana there's a gentleman out here--well there were lots of men here earlier. It's against hospital policy, but I'm going to let him come in to visit in a while. "If you stay stabilized through the night and tomorrow, you'll probably be released the next day." I doze for a while, but am instantly alert when I hear the door open. Mulder is by my bedside, pulling the lone chair up close. "What happened, Scully? No one would tell us anything." "You had every right to be in here, Mulder. Why weren't you?" I remember a day when Mulder couldn't have been kept from my bedside, nothing would have stopped him. He looks down at his hands. "Do I?" "What exactly are you inferring, Mulder?" He shakes his head and takes my hand. "Nothing, nothing." He plays with my fingers, giving each one its own little caress before bringing them to his lips. I see him squeeze his eyes, but a tear leaks through anyhow. "But *you're* going to be okay, aren't you?" "Yes, *we* are," I stress with relief as I lay a protective hand over my unborn child. Looking down, I realize my hand suddenly seems much too small for such a momentous task. "Did... did *I* cause this?" Mulder asks softly. "What?" "You know... did this happen because we, because I...." I finally understand what he's talking about. While I'd like to reassure him our love-making didn't cause this, I'm not sure and I can't lie to him. "I honestly don't know, Mulder." "I'm so sorry, Scully," he whispers before placing his hand over my stomach. He lays his head there also and I can't help but run my fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry," he repeats into my flesh. The baby finally kicks and I smile. "Apology accepted, Daddy." The end. Authors notes: Death to ambiguity! The baby needs to be Mulder's, 'nough said.