Disclaimer: Fox Mulder, Dana Scully etc. are the property of Chris Carter, Fox Broadcasting and Ten Thirteen Productions and are used without permission. No infringement of copyright intended. I do this for the love of it! Note: The Rubber Rainbow actually exists - you can find it in Victoria, B.C. No infringements intended. Constructive comment and criticism welcome, anything else will be cheerfully ignored! Summary: Mulder does some *personal* shopping! Rated NC 17 for adult content and swearing. A Little Something For The Weekend by Carol Gritton (jimcaz@dircon.co.uk) Fox Mulder looked around furtively, then quickly slipped into the shop. He fervently hoped that no-one had seen him........ "Good afternoon, sir. Welcome to The Rubber Rainbow. How may I help you?" The silken female voice made him nearly jump out of his skin. He hated it when sales assistants pounced on him as soon as he set foot through the door. He turned, and his eyes almost popped out of their sockets. She was gorgeous - soft, dewy skin, sapphire blue eyes, legs up to her shoulders, *sensational* figure...... but regrettably not his type. "Er, I'm just browsing, thank you," replied Fox nervously, sure that his cheeks were red hot. The beauty smiled. "Please do. If there's anything I can help you with, don't hesitate to ask." "Thank you," said Fox, his voice sounding strangely half strangled. With that, she thankfully left him to his browsing. The store was aptly named - Fox had never seen so many different types of condoms in his life. There were myriad shapes and sizes, colours and textures. According to the small advertisement he had seen in a magazine, the store carried a selection of over two hundred condoms from all over the world, and he could well believe that claim. He picked up one pack - a leopardskin design, feather light and extra extra large. "Don't flatter yourself!" snorted a derisive little voice to his right. Shit! That little imp was back - the red one with the horns and tail that sat on his right shoulder. Fox decided to ignore him, but the imp wasn't having any of that! "I said......." "I heard what you said!" hissed Fox in a low voice, placing the condoms back on the shelf. "What do you want?" "There's no need to take that tone!" pouted Imp. He let the silence hang for a moment, then said, "So, Mulder - you're hoping to score this weekend, huh?" Imp had a lascivious grin on his ugly red face. "That's none of your business!" replied an angry Fox. "But it's true though, isn't it? I was beginning to wonder what was taking you so long!" leered Imp. "Marie's not that sort of woman," said Fox primly. But there was an element of truth in what Imp was saying. Things had been hotting up between Fox and Marie for the past couple of weeks, and he was sure that this weekend he was going to strike it lucky. Fox moved over to another display. He glanced down at his shoulder. "Are you still here?" he asked resignedly, seeing Imp still sitting there. "You don't get rid of me that easily!" grinned Imp. "More's the pity," said Fox under his breath. "What was that?" demanded Imp. "Nothing!" trilled Fox. Imp watched Fox as he picked up a variety of products, studied them, then put them down again. "What do you want condoms for, anyway? They only spoil your enjoyment. Besides, she's bound to be on the pill!" Fox sighed. "You are *so* ignorant! Haven't you ever heard of safe sex?" Imp snorted. "The only safe sex in my book is no sex! I can't see *you* getting very far with that one!" "What's *that* supposed to mean?" demanded Fox. Imp gave a triumphant grin. "You thought I didn't know about your video collection, didn't you?" "What's that got to do with anything?" "I've seen you, sitting there late at night, one hand on the remote, the other........" "Okay, okay - I get the picture!" hissed Fox, blushing with embarrassment. "I'm sure you do!" smiled Imp. Fox glared at him. "You're an evil little son of a bitch, do you know that?" Imp placed a hand over his heart. "Mulder - I'm hurt! How can you say such a thing?" "Easy - just watch my lips!" he snarled. "Nah - that's not your colour," said Imp, as Fox considered a pack of fuchsia pink rubbers. "Who asked you, anyway?" demanded Fox. Imp decided to ignore him. "I think you should go for the red." Imp glanced to their left. "What about those over there?" "What, these?" asked Fox, selecting a pack of black condoms covered in knobbly bits. "I don't think so somehow." "Not very adventurous, are you?" sneered Imp in disgust. "You might as well have gone to the drugstore........." "Look - when I want your advice, I'll ask for it, but don't hold your breath!" "Ooh, we are touchy, aren't we?" "Isn't there somebody else you can go and annoy?" Fox was rapidly losing his patience. "Didn't you know, Mulder? I'm your own personal little devil!" replied Imp, grinning. Fox glanced over at the beauty - the last thing he needed was the poor woman thinking that she was cloistered with some nut who couldn't stop talking to himself. Thankfully she was engrossed in a magazine. "She's something else, isn't she?" lusted Imp dreamily. "I hadn't noticed," asserted Fox stiffly. "Sure you hadn't!" scorned Imp. "What I wouldn't give......." "I don't think I really want to know," said Fox wearily. "Look, why don't you just go away and leave me in peace?" "What?" "GO AWAY!" hissed Fox loudly. "Is everything alright, sir?" Shit, now he'd disturbed Beauty. "Everything's fine," he replied, mustering a smile. He snapped his head round to glare at Imp. "Now look what you've done!" said Fox in a low, frantic voice. "Me?" squeaked Imp. "I didn't do anything!" "Yeah - that's what Eugene Tooms said, and look what happened to him!" Imp looked aghast. "You wouldn't!" "Try me!" grinned Fox maniacally. Imp gulped. "Okay - let's deal. You buy something, and I'll leave you alone." Was that desperation Fox heard in Imp's voice? He decided to play it cool. "Let me think about it," he replied. He gave a secret smile - he wanted to make the little shit sweat. Five minutes passed. "Okay - you've got a deal." Fox took his selection to the cash desk. Beauty rang it up, and he handed over the money. "I'm sure you'll be very pleased with these, sir - they guarantee maximum satisfaction," she purred, looking him up and down as she slipped the item into a bag. thought Fox, as he pocketed his purchase, equally sure that Beauty was speaking from personal experience. He wouldn't have been surprised if she hadn't road tested every product in the place. Fox took his package home. Once safe within his own four walls, he opened the bag and shook it, so that the little packet fell onto the coffee table. He picked it up and studied it. What had possessed him to buy the bright orange, cherry flavoured ribbed condoms? And they were one of the more restrained products on offer! Marie would run a mile if he presented her with that! Not that she was the straitlaced type, he thought hastily. No - he couldn't inflict these on her. He picked up the packet, took it through to the bedroom and tossed it into his underwear draw. Oh well, at least it had got rid of that bothersome little imp! Fox slipped on his jacket and did what he should have done in the first place - he headed for the drugstore around the corner. he thought to himself as he handed the plain, no frills condoms to the cashier. He picked up his purchase, and as he slipped it into his pocket, he could have sworn he heard a familiar little voice saying, "Coward!" The End