From: =?iso-8859-1?q?hale=20dana?= <uberscully_1@yahoo.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000 20:20:03 +0100 (BST)
Subject: my fanfic-by Sunny
Source: direct

Title:Little X

Author: Sunny

Summery:Scully tells her unborn child about his/her
father

Catagory:post Ep/ Inside Ep. Lots of MSR

Rating:Nothing nasty lurking a couple of sexual
references PG

Spoliers:Requiem, lots of Requiem

Disclaimer: Not mine Never were wish they were thank U
Chris for the loan (I promise not to break them)

Archive: Anywhere, just let me know.

Feedback:YES! to :uberscully_1@yahoo.co.uk

Author's notes: I am British (Welsh actually) so you
may notice a few language difference, ie.Lift
/elevator etc. I've tried my best to use American
terms but some always slip through the net. Also this
is the first time I've put anything out on the net so
be gentle, I've done better ones honest!!

"One is the loneliest number"

Three weeks now little X, three weeks your Daddy has
been gone and it isn't getting any easier. I have to
call you X because I cannot bring myself to think of
you with a name because a name would mean you were
born and I had chosen it myself, by myself without you
Daddy and I don't think I want to do that, I don't
want to go through this alone.

Selfish I know considering what a large responsibility
I hold over him being gone. I should have known
sooner, I got too caught up in Krycek and that woman
to think about medical records and I should have
that's what I'm supposed to look at science is why I
was assigned to him in the first place, although
little is the same as it was back then we've all
changed.

He'd forgive me I know he would but that doesn't mean
I can forgive myself. He'd remind me I was sick and
smile and tell me it was hormones messing with my
head, I can see him now he's back looking thinner but
smiling his arms around my huge belly where you have
grown and he's talking softly telling me everything is
fine.

But that is fantasy my imagination fuelled by the love
and tenderness he has shown in the few short weeks
we've been elevated from bestfriends to the loft
platform that is lovers. I do love him deeply little X
and I want you to know him too but I cannot bring
myself to take you through seven years of our history
yet, I need to allow you to see him as I do now, by
taking you through our last few days together then
maybe you'll see what I mean.

I know we were both happy about going back to Oregon
excited even. It was where we had our first assignment
together what now seems like a lifetime ago and
fitting we should return now that we had reached this
new stage in our relationship. I think I hope Mulder
wanted me to come over that night, I'm sorry that I
almost didn't, you see little X I was feeling worse
than I let on, I felt sick earlier that day I felt
sick even before we left for Oregon but as usual I
brushed it off, I was tired I was getting a cold,
whatever I'd become good at lying to myself about how
I really felt your Daddy is proof of that. But the
dizziness scared me, anything to do with my head
scares me now, I was sick you see little one, very
sick because of the time they took me away, the ones
who took your Daddy so when I felt my head spin I had
to go to him.

I could see the concern wash over his face as soon as
he opened the door,and I felt sorry I hadn't said
anything sooner, we'd made a pact when we moved our
relationship on that we'd be more open I had betrayed
that already. 

He wanted it to end he wanted me to go, I wanted to
fight him to tell him I wasn't going without him, but
my body felt weak and from somewhere inside of me I
sensed he and I were going together wherever our life
path was leading, if he spoke to me of leaving the
Bureau I felt somewhere he was having doubts of his
own. I also knew then how deep his feelings for me
were, I always knew I know that now but there is a
small difference between knowing something in your
heart and realising it for the first time, he was
willing to let me go, for Mulder this was important,
he already had lost his mother and sister this year
and to be able to let me go too showed me his feelings
ran deep enough to surpass the selfish needs he held.

We lay together a long time , I felt his breath on my
neck, my eyes were closed but I sensed he was not
asleep, I am guessing he knew the same about him. I
silently contemplated his words think them over, he
was talking about ending it all of it, without the
X-files what would I do I was as much a part of them
as he and I could not let it end for me without him
walking away with me, contemplating my words I formed
the sentance to tell him

"Mulder" I whispered, 

"Shhhhh" he said nuzzling my neck softly and brushing
my hair back, "Sleep"

"Mulder no, listen to -" I stopped mid sentance as a
wave of Nausea hit me colliding with the dizziness
which had just returned.

"Scully??" Panic rose in his voice as I struggled to
untangle my self from the blankets and race to the
bathroom,

"Ill ...dizzy....feel...sick.." I managed before
freeing myself from the sheets and racing towards the
bathroom.

He was close behind me luckily for him not so close
that he had a front row seat for the first time I was
violently sick, but he did for the second and third.
He sat here pushing my hair back with one hand rubbing
my back gently with the other, after the fourth time I
leaned on him heavily my body begging for his support
my mind likewise. He let me rest for a few moments
before pulling me around to face him, I could see the
familiar look of concern on his face, but his eyes
have changed, it goes much deeper now, he gives me a
lopsided half smile which seems to say, it's alright,
I'm here and for once I don't feel like fighting.

He reaches up to the sink and dampens his washcloth
then tenderly begins to try and clean me up. I feel
like a child or an invalid but I let him do it, we
both need him to, it's away of showing our trust and
our love. Gosh little one I can never get used to
saying that but it's true I love him, I love Fox
Mulder your Daddy, # other people see it more than we
do, I think Skinner knew, I hope one day you'll see it
too.

He cleaned me up best he could, but in the rush to the
bathroom I'd rotten my white shirt in a mess, seeking
permission first in my eyes he carefully unbuttoned it
and tossed it to one side, 

"I'll be back now" he said and disappered into the
bedroom, slowly I followed him, I had no desire to sit
on the cold tiles any longer than neccercairy.

He looked up from his bag when I walked in, "I thought
you'd be warmer in this." he said holding up a
sweater,

"Thank you." I said. he crossed the room to me and
slipped it over my head. Pushing my hair back in a
rough attempt to tidy it he reached down and took my
hands in his,

"What's wrong Scully?"

"I don't know Mulder, I can't explain it, ..." I
trailed off too tired to rack my brains further for
any medical conditions.

"How long Scully , really?" he knew he always knew
when I was hiding something,

"A week or so maybe." I saw the change in his eyes
there, he was upset I knew but concerned, "It's not
like it's all the time most of the time I'm ok but
sometimes I don't know I thought I was tired." 

"Why didn't you say anything we shouldn't have come
here if you were sick"

"I wanted to come as much as you did Mulder, we needed
to come back, it's where it all began."

He reached his arms around me and hugged me tightly
for a moment, "Go back to bed" he whispered in my ear.
My body suddenly coming down from the adrenaline rush
that came with the prospect of an argument suddenly
drained and it must have shown physically, I was
suddenly leaning very heavily on him, then he was one
again helping me into bed.

Moments later he was there himself facing each other
this time my head buried in his neck. "It has been
worth it Mulder, hasn't it?" I asked giving him my
answer telling him it was time to stop, but only if it
was truly time, "Seven years have we found enough?"

"It's no longer a question of what we have or haven't
found Scully," he whispers softly into my hair, "It's
what we have lost of ourselves." he paused taking a
deep breath, "I have spent seven years searching the
skies and have I ever found wheat I was looking for,
each time we find a new piece of the puzzle the
picture on the box is changing and we lose a piece of
ourselves, it's taken me this long to find you Dana, I
don't want to hurt you any more."

"It's not always about you Mulder, I chose to be here
to carry on, I chose to stay by your side because I
felt a responsibility to you I felt you needed me. It
took both of us to get here Mulder, it has to end but
not until it ends for us both."

He kissed my head, "I can't give you an answer right
away." he said to my hidden question,does it end now?
I was asking he knew me my thoughts what I meant,
that's why I loved him Little X he was so completely
inside of me somewhere somehow we became one,

"Not that it maters" his voice came through my half
slumber we'll probably be fired by the time we get to
D.C.

I don't know if they planned to fire us Little one, I
came in late after making a doctors appointment and
sleeping late both on Mulder's orders I wonder now
what might have been if they had or if rat boy and
that woman hadn't arrived. Your Daddy was not happy,
Krycek had killed his Father and was responsible for
countless problems in our investigations, he also
killed my sister. But they had things to say that he
couldn't resist from even them, answers he had long
sought, that now to me seemed too good to be true.

He tried to protect me to tell me I shouldn't go, and
I believed him, it was logical, I was the abduct, they
were taking abductees again, therefore I should stay
behind, I tried to accept it to let him go, I even
convinced poor Walter Skinner to go instead of me. And
now I think maybe I should never have let either of
them go. I curse myself for not looking harder, I am
even beginning to curse our last moments together
thinking that time could have been spent discovering
more quickly the truth behind these abductions, a
truth to save your father.

Foolishly my heart ruled my mind, confused by emotions
(and hormones as well it seems) I left the Bureau to
see Him once more before he left, I felt compelled to
remind him once more to be careful, for al the use
that did. Using my key to get into his apartment, as
familiar as my own to me I found him in his bedroom
tossing clothes into a small rucksack another bag with
equipment loaned from Frohike lay in the corner.

"Hi" I said softly, he hadn't heard me come in.

"Hey," he replied "have you found anything new?"

I shook my head, "No, Mulder do you need to go? can
you trust the word of a murderer and betrayer?"

"No Scully I can't but on the remote chance his right
I can't risk it." he crossed the room and placed his
strong hands on my shoulder, "It's not about the
smoking man or Krycek, it's been # them for too long,
it's about those people."

"I understand Mulder, if you save them can you find a
way to stop? I don't think you can, if you find them
if you find the ship then we're back chasing aliens
again, and for how long, another seven years another
ten?"

"Then walk away Scully, this isn't about you anymore
it's not about either of us, it's about people out
there we can help."

"And at what expense Mulder?" I put my hand up to his
cheek, "I know what you want to do but you told me it
has to end, you're right it has to end for both of
us." I paused and reached up placing a kiss on his
lips, "Mulder I can chase monsters and murderers and
hell even that Flukeman thing forever but I can't go
on digging myself deeper into a conspiracy that takes
so much away and never allows anything back."

H He paused regarding me for a moment I open my mouth
to speak again to apologise for being so blunt but I
am suddenly dizzy again and a sharp pain in my
abdomen, I lean on him again, and he steadies me.

"Dana I'm sorry, I know how you must feel," he strokes
moves me onto the bed where I sit and he strokes my
face, "We've both lost so much and gained so little I
know, , but this could be it, this could be the end."

"And if it's not?"

"Then it has to end somehow."

I smile weakly at him, "I don't want to lose you
again."

"You wont." he said, with a half smile that become
cheeky with his next thought, "And if little grey men
start pouring out of the woods I'll push the Skin man
in front of me."

I don't know why but that made me cry, I felt the
tears on my face before I even realised I was crying,

"Hey." he said softly taking me in is arms, "It's
alright,"

"Sorry Mulder," I said struggling to regain control,
"I don't know what's wrong with me."

"You'll be fine Scully." he said placing a kiss on my
nose, "I'll be back in a few days, then why don't we
take some time off. We we need to spend some time
together, I I need to be with you." 

If I'd thought about it I'd have known he as trying to
tell me something but Iwas consumed by the dread
welling inside of me, "Let me come with you." I said,

"Dana" he said reaching to me kissing me gently,
"Don't make me..... I don't want to lose you, you know
that. Let me go."

I nodded again,meaning it this time, I had to let him
go, I couldn't make him responsible for losing those
poor people, I couldn't leave him wondering if he
could have helped. I think it was more than the ship
that drew him there it was the thought he could stop
some families going through what he had with his own
sister and it was just my own selfish needs that held
him there.

"I said I didn't want you to go alone," I told him,

"I'm not Skin man will be here soon." he said with a
quirky smile, he loved using the man's new nickname, 

"No Mulder," I said and reached behind my neck to take
off the small gold cross I always wore and fastened it
around his. He clasped my hands as I moved them away,
holding them both between his much larger hands.

"I'll see you soon." he said "and if I'm gone ..." he
hesitated taking in a reality neither of us dared to
think of, if only I knew then it would become reality,
"If I'm gone longer than expected," he continued,
"Come here to this bed , close your eyes and I'll be
there."

We both know why, this is where we began where we
moved up that important level, maybe where you began
too little one, either here or our office but your a
little too young for that right now.

My mind drifted as he finished packing, if wandered
around the seven years of our partnership the few
weeks of our courtship and into the future into.....
who knew? t took me a few moments to register he'd
stooped and was looking at me the deep Hazel of his
eyes searching my face for answers. Smiling he lay on
the bed near where I sat,

"Come here." he said.

Silently I lay next to him our bodies touching, 

"What is it?" he asked,

"It's not knowing, not knowing what you're getting
mixed up in, not knowing what's wrong with me,
...Mulder I don't know, I just have this feeling."

Smiling a gentle loving smile I so rarely got to see
he used a thumb to stroke my forehead, "You need to
stop thinking so much." he said "It's getting crowded
up there."

"There's always room for thinking of you Mulder"

He lifted my chin which had been buried in my cheats
with a finger and kissed me gently, the warmth of his
lips bringing life to me, "I'll always have room for
you Scully, no matter what."

"I love you Mulder." this caused me to fight tears
again.

"I love you Scully, don't ever doubt it."

Smiled weakly and reached for his lips when a pounding
on the door startled me into pulling away,

"The Skin-man." Mulder said wryly.

Getting up I refused to let go of the hand that had
become entwined in mine Mulder seemed to understand. I
needed him little one, something inside me was
screaming not to let him go, maybe that something was
you.

Skinner stood in the hallway casually dressed a small
holiday in his hand,

"You ready Mulder?" he asked,

"Yeah come in sir," he said, as theAD entered I saw
him take a glance at our hands guiltily I dropped
Mulder's hand and stood like a naughty teenager, given
what I'd tell him a short t time later holding hands
seemed nothing, he is the only one who knows you see
little X who knows about you.

Mulder busied himself with his bags while I stood
uncomfortably in the living room with Skinner.
Eventually he came back and bags in hand made his way
to the door, stopping before walking out he put his
arms around me, I'll remember that hug for a long
time, his scent engulfing me as I held on tightly,
Skinner's eyes were burning in my back but as we
pulled away our eyes met and it could have been God
himself standing there and we wouldn't have cared,
pulling Mulder's head towards mine you lips me, a kiss
that started as a soft goodbye turned to fulfil a need
that deepened as the seconds ticked by, Mulder's lips
wet and strong met my own and his teasing tongue met
mine in a dance that was neither words or emotions but
two souls kissing, saying goodbye, needing, holding
onto each other for as long as the could. We pulled
away and Mulder moved to walkout, not before planting
a soft kiss on my hair, his way of saying he'd be back
to finish what he'd just begun, our gaze never broke
until he was out of sight.

And he was gone.

There is nothing more to say little X he was gone and
for three weeks there has been black, there has been
work and revelations of sorts but there has been no
light, the light that was Mulder has gone. You
illuminate some of that dark, you'll tell me this is
disgusting as soon as you are able, but each time you
cause me to vomit or give me the need to eat sunflower
seeds there is some of him here with me.

Do you see now Little one how I loved him? do you see
know why you need to know how he left before you know
how it began? You couldn't know how important the
events that led us there were before you knew where
they led us.

Do you understand why I feel so guilty, I could have
saved him if I'd known earlier what they wanted, but I
selfishly fulfilled my own needs, and I'm sorry now,
I'm sorry I couldn't be sure you'd have a Daddy. I've
tried for you Little X but I don't know what to do, I
spend all my time searching but there's nothing to
look for, nothing left to hunt. I'm trying to put
myself in his place what he did when I was gone, but I
need to protect you too. They stop me too when I try
they say I'm clouded by my emotions. I think they
might be right. 

I came here today, like I do often to think of him but
also to see if he had stored something, anything that
might help them find him. They don't let me help much
I'm too "Emotionally involved" any information I come
up with is brushed under the carpet by anyone but
Skinner, at least he's a believer. I searched
everything and now I'm lying on his bed thinking of
him, like he told me to. Iknow I came here to help him
to search find something, but you see little X I did
find something that gets me emotionally involved......

I found this ring