From: Darthlance@aol.com Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1999 21:09:02 EDT Subject: The Lone Gunman Helpline(1/1) Title: The Lone Gunmen Helpline(1/1) Author:Darthlance Disclaimer: NO infringement on anyone's copyrights is intended. Feedback appreciated and answered: Darthlance@aol.com. Please? Spoilers: none Archive: OK V: PG: Parody Summary: Mulder needs lovelorn advice from the LGM Episodes dialogue if any: Chris Carter and 1013 writers Notes: Thanks to Mary Greten of the Beta Reader's Circle for assistance and for putting up with my over-(and under- and mis-) use of commas. Also thanks to my friend Anna, who has to put up with me, being the only other X-Phile in our entire school. The Lone Gunmen Helpline "Typical day," Byers thought. He glanced up from his phonetap only to find Langly and Frohike in a heated debate. "The CS162 is not the newest one made! It's the CX251 that we want!" "No it isn't, Frohike. You have the wrong file." "I do not." "Do to." "Do not." "Read it and weep." Frohike looked incredulously at the screen in front of Langly. Langly smiled smugly up at him. "Next time get your info straight." "Cut it out guys." "Shut up Byers," replied Frohike and Langly together simultaniously. The phone rang. "I got it!" "No, I have it. Move out of the way, you punk-haired dumbass." "Hey watch it!" Langly tripped over Frohike sending them both falling in a heap. "Ouch," Frohike complained. "Well if your fat ass wasn't in my way, I wouldn't have tripped over it." Byers stepped over them both. He sighed in resignation as he picked up the phone. "Who is this?" "It's me, Mulder. You can stop the tape recorder." "I can't even reach the tape recorder," Frohike complained. "Get off, you overweight Teletubby." "Shut up, Goldilocks." "Hey Mulder. Are you calling for a reason?" "Uh, yeah. I kinda got in a fight with Scully today. Could you suggest anything?" "Ooooh. The big bad G-man needs help." Frohike dragged himself up and dusted his clothes off. "Like he could get it from you. Hey Mulder need some work? Frohike's lovelife would go in your special filing cabinet." "Shut up, BLOND virgin." "Yeah, you WOULD want to find out." Byers rolled his eyes at the immaturity of his collegues. "Mulder, are you still there?" "Yeah. And I might just take Langly up on that offer." There was a loud knock on the door startled the Gunmen. "Frohike, go answer it. I'm on the phone" "He'd better not. He'd scare them off." "Shut the Hell up." Frohike moved toward the door. Looking through the peephole, he gasped. "There are men in black jackets out there!" "What's going on?!" Mulder nearly shouted almost deafening Byers. "We're with the CIA," one of the men said. " May I please speak with one," he paused, glancing at the clipboard in front of him, "Mr. Langly?" "Heh. They're probably busting a drug ring. They way you look, we'll be arrested in a second," whispered Frohike. "The CIA doesn't bust drug rings, you idiot," Langly replied nervously. He undid the locks and opened the door, hands shaking. "Mr. Langly," one of the men said, his expression made unreadable by his dark glasses. It was not a question. Langly looked worriedly at each of the men. "Yes?" "It has come to our attention," the man said, glancing at each of his companions, " that the mailbox in your name is crooked." "It is violating code 977B of the United States Postal regulations," added the man on the left. "Uhhh. Um, sorry about that," Langly replied confused. "You will have this problem fixed as soon as possible." The first man looked disapprovingly at him. "I will, sir." Langly promised. "Then our work is done. Thank you for your time." "Uh, you're welcome." The men turned around and walked down the hallway. Langly sank against the wall in relief. "I'm glad that's over." Meanwhile, since no one had bothered to tell him anything, Mulder was frantically yelling into the phone. "What's going on?! Are you guys all right? I'm coming over there right now!!" Absentmindedly, Byers turned to the phone in his hand. "Oh. Mulder are you still there?" "Yes! What the hell is going on?" "Um, the CIA just dropped by. They needed to talk to Langly about the state of his mailbox." "What?!" "Never mind. Getting back to the subject..." "Yeah, Mulder, what happened?" Frohike chimed in. "Uh. Well, um. OK. I was in my office this morning and Diana came in." "Yeah, OK. Then what happened?" "Well, um, she kissed me." "I'm gonna go work for the FBI!!" "Frohike, we're trying to help Mulder." "Yeah. Shut up, runt." Frohike attempted to punch Langly for his comment, but failed miserably and was knocked off balance. He swayed haphazardly for a second, then crashed into a file cabinet. "Ha, you couldn't hit an alien if it probed you!" Sighing, Byers turned back to the phone. "So, she kissed you, Mulder. That sounds pretty serious to me." "Yeah. I thought this was about Scully." Langly chimed in. "It is. Well, Diana came in like she was going to talk to me. She pushed me on the desk. And then she kissed me. "So what does that have to do with Scully?" Byers questioned patiently. "Scully walked in and saw her kissing me." "Well, I can understand why she might be a tad angry with you." "But it was totally involuntary!" Mulder complained. "I bet," Frohike muttered under his breath. He received a kick from Byers for his comment. "Did you try to tell Scully this?" "Yes. But she wouldn't listen." "Mulder!" "OK, so I made a mistake, all right! Happy?" "Not really. Tell the truth." "OK. After I got away from Diana, I tried to talk to her." "Scully or Diana?" "Scully!" "Ok, so what did she say?" "She got really angry when I asked her what was wrong. She said that I trusted Diana, and not her." Byers felt like reaching through the phone and smacking the thickheaded man on the other end. "Mulder! Hello! She saw you kissing her! And then you ask her what's wrong? You need more help than we can give. I'd suggest a full frontal lobotomy." "What? How could that help?" "OK. Listen very close, because I am going to speak veeerrryy slowly. You have been partners with Scully for over six years, correct?" "Yeah." "You told us that you love her, right?" "Yeah." "Am I receiving monosyllabic answers?" "Huh?" "Never mind. Have you ever told her that you love her?" "Yes. But she didn't believe me!" "OK. Put that thought aside. Now, knowing that you love her, why did you kiss Diana? Didn't this feel at all wrong to you? "Huh?" "All right, I'll put it more plainly. WHY DO YOU STILL TRUST A LYING BITCH????" Mulder was too stunned to answer. "OK. Now we have that settled. Now Mulder, go drive to Scully's right this minute. Even if she says she doesn't want to talk, press the issue. This is very important. Explain what happened, then tell her your true feelings. This may solve the problem." "Ok! Thanks Byers!" "Oh, and Mulder." "What?" "If Diana tries to kiss you again, remember; you have a gun." "Ok. I'm going right now." Byers hung up the phone tiredly. He looked towards Langly and Frohike and was surprised to see that the two had not started fighting. They were too spellbound by the conversation. "Wait a go, Byers!" "Yeah, great job! You should start a counseling business!" Byers smiled and looked down at his ring. He glanced at the clock and noticed that it was time to meet Suzanne. Fin Please send feedback. This is my first attempt at fanfic, so be nice.