Here's the Gossamer Classification, Long As I Live - Jeannine Ackerson - Rating PG-13 Classification - ASR Mulder Angst; Mulder/Scully Romance. Mulder reflects on his and Scully's past with the X-Files as he decides whether or not to ask her to marry him. From: J. Ackerson Subject: New story - Long As I Live Rating: PG-13 for a bunch of well placed swear words. Spoiler warning: If you’ve seen up through “Wetwired” you’re safe. Disclaimer: The X-Files and the characters portrayed therein are property of C. Carter (the Lord of the Files), Fox Broadcasting, 1013 Prod., etc. “Long As I Live” by John Michael Montgomery is also used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended. Relationship: ASR. Major Mulder angst and then some Mulder/Scully romance. Anti-relationshippers warning is hearby in effect. (So if you don’t like this kind of stuff, don’t read any farther.) Summary: Mulder reflects on his and Scully’s past with the X-Files as he decides whether or not to ask her to marry him. Hi all! Well, here’s another song story. Why struggle to create a story from mid-air when there are so many songs that are just crying out to inspire a story. And in this case, this song fairly screamed “Mulder angst.” So I just let loose the story that I knew was there. But anyway, on with the story . . . Long As I Live By Jeannine Ackerson He’d been contemplating this for a while. Hell, he’d been working up his nerve to do it for over three years. And this time he was finally going to do it. Today. Within the hour, Fox Mulder was going to ask his partner, the woman he loved and wanted to be with forever, to marry him. Or not. Damn, this is hard, he mentally cursed at himself angrily. To possibly loose the best thing that ever happened to him on the slightest, remotest chance that he could have something better with her. He’d thought for a long while that she might feel the same way he did. There had been times when he was sure he’d seen something similar to his love for her in her eyes. A deep desire and longing that just about took his breath away. He would swear he’d seen it when he’d come back from the “dead”. And in the car when she’d brought him the root beer. Hell, there were a dozen or more other times that he had thought he’d seen it, and he had committed them all to his eidetic memory. But one stood out from the rest. One that he remembered with great fondness. It was when she’d woken up from her coma. They’d had this emotional conversation between their hearts that was communicated through their eyes. He’d never forget the feeling as long as he lived. It was as if his soul was telling her’s how much he loved and needed her. And he’d felt something sing deep within him with the belief that she’d returned those emotions. So, he thought she might be in love with him. But he didn’t know for sure. Though, all he had to do to get the answer was to ask her. She wouldn’t lie to him, would she? Nah, he thought to himself with a wry grin, she lies really badly and I’d know it if she was lying. And if she loved him, he’d ask her to marry him. She’d have to give him an answer: yes or no. And she’d say yes if she was in love with him, right?!? She wouldn’t turn him down. No, she wouldn’t, would she? In all the times he’d thought about asking her, he'd never contemplated her really turning him down. Ok, he mentally admitted to himself, so I’ve thought about it. A lot. It was hard not to. What did he have to offer Scully? A life of chasing aliens and ducking government conspiracies? Danger and pain at every turn? His own messed up mental state, and his obsessive behavior? Yeah, I’m certainly a prize catch, he thought sarcastically. The thing is, he mused to himself, is that she already knows this. She’s seen me at my worst. Ok, maybe not my “worst,” he thought sorrowfully, because it was while she was missing. She hadn’t seen him alone in his apartment at night, sitting on his couch in the dark wondering what he could have done differently, how he could have changed things. She hadn’t see him agonize with her mom over the memorial service, the headstone, turning off the life support. She had no idea that it would have just taken the slightest push to send him over the edge, and into that black oblivion she was skirting on. Because he would rather have died with her than live without her. The joke of it all was, if anyone had told him four years ago that he’d have been assigned a partner he’d die for; that he’d be madly, totally in love with, he would have laughed in their face. It wasn’t until Special Agent Dr. Dana Katherine Scully walked through his basement door that the joke wasn’t funny anymore. It was a painful truth. The truth. Funny how that word seemed to follow him around. The truth about extraterrestrials; the government’s secrets; his sister’s disappearance; the way he felt about Scully. All truths, but only a few had been realized. Ok, so only one had been realized. The one about his loving Scully. The biggest problem wasn’t finding out if she loved him. It was asking her to marry him. How do I ask her? he wondered absently. Do I just blurt out, “I love you Dana, and I want you to marry me.” ? That certainly was the truth, but not very subtle. As he started to mull it over again, for the twentieth time that day, the stereo suddenly started a new tune. He’d been listening to some dark, depressing music. A couple of CD’s he’d bought because they had appealed to his tortured nature. But this wasn’t one of the CD’s he’d put in. It wasn’t even his. And as he listened closer, he realized it was country western. It was soft, almost crossover pop, but country nonetheless. And suddenly he knew whose it was. Scully’s. Her CD. He didn’t have a clue how it had gotten into his CD changer, but it was playing now, and the lyrics were beautifully haunting. His mental debate subsided for a time as he listened to the words which he was sure this man had stolen from his very heart and soul. “The world’s been spinning round since time began And when it stops is out of my hands So I could swear forever for all its worth Or give you every day I have on earth” “Long as I live Long as I breathe With every heartbeat I’ll need you near me I won’t leave you behind Till the Lord says it’s time To go with him I’m yours, long as I live” Oh, wasn’t it the truth. At that thought, he chuckled inwardly. He was her’s alright. And he had been for a while now. She was the one person who could motivate, challenge, and support him all at once. Yet she was the same one who consistently knocked him on his ass when he went to far, was a jerk or just needed to be reminded that he was human. And for all those things, he loved her. More than his life. Forever. Like the song said, as long as he lived. Cause he was certain that there was no getting over falling in love with Dana Scully. It was a permanent condition. A terminal illness with no cure whatsoever. Not like he wanted one. Loving Scully was as easy as breathing. And as necessary. All the times he’d nearly lost her had just made that need greater. Even from the beginning he’d known how important she was to him. He’d learned it early in their partnership, the first time she’d been in real danger, and he’d been helpless to aid her. It had been when Scully had been held hostage. He remembered standing in front of the local police and Bureau personnel assigned to her rescue, explaining to them in careful, controlled words where and how they were going to search for her. It wasn’t until the end, when he had started to tell them what the assignment meant to him that he nearly lost it. He remembered with difficulty the choking feeling he had in his throat as he spoke the last few words. Even back then, he ‘somehow’ knew what losing her would have done to him. And it had only gotten worse as time went on. The list went on and on. Tooms, Berry, Pfaster, Modell. Each of them had attempted to take her from him. Even Cancer Man and the consortium had tried. But none of them had succeeded. And he would be eternally grateful for that. No matter the other obstacles, pain and suffering he’d been dealt in his thirty plus years, he’d have to admit he had led a charmed life. He hadn’t lost her, his other half. The better part of himself that without, he was less than a whole person. Sure, there had been many times they’d been separated, both physically and emotionally, but never spiritually. Even through his despair at her abduction, and the long, debilitating months that followed, a small part of his heart and soul had still felt her presence. It had been the one thing that had kept him going. That unrecognized connection to her that urged him to wait for her return. Except now he knew what that small piece of him was. It was the part of himself that was hers. That was *her*. His mind wandered away from those thoughts and focused on the music again. “No matter if there’s mountains you can’t move Or harder times than you thought you’d go through When the weight of the world’s too much to bear Just remember I’ll always be there” He realized as much as he loved her, he hadn’t always been there for her. When she’d been abducted, then again when she’d found out about the implant. Actually, as he thought about it some more, he hadn’t been there a lot of times when she’d needed him. And that hurt him more than he’d ever thought possible. Even *he’d* hurt her, he realized guiltily. Every time he ran off without her it hurt her. And the times he hadn’t trusted her when she was trying to help him. Or when he hadn’t respected her beliefs. And then there had been the women. He wasn’t sure if they had hurt her. That wasn’t true. He knew his near liaison with Detective White in Comity has pissed Scully off. And then his attraction to Dr. Bambi. Even when they’d had the misfortune of being ‘teamed’ up with Phoebe, Scully had stubbornly placed herself between him and his hurtful ex. The one that bothered him the most was Kristen. It had been a mistake. He’d turned to her in his despair, and committed the ultimate sin. He’d betrayed his partner. Ok, that wasn’t quite true. He felt that he’d betrayed *her* by being with Kristen. He’d known for a while before Scully’s abduction that he was in love with her. And when she had been taken, he’d lost his soul. Like Melissa Scully had told him, “you’re in a dark place, much darker than where my sister is”. And she was right. He’d been outside of himself since she’d been taken, and hadn’t returned until she had. It wasn’t until that moment that he realized how closely their lives were intertwined. And that thought was echoed in the words of the song that still played as the man sung the chorus again. “Long as I live Long as I breathe With every heartbeat I’ll need you near me I won’t leave you behind Till the Lord says it’s time To go with him I’m yours, long as I live” “Moon and stars aren’t mine to give Neither is eternity But I’ll give you a promise tonight That I can keep” No, he wasn’t able to promise her those things. Forever, the stars, even a normal life. Hell, he didn’t have much at all to give her. All he had to offer was his love and his life. And she’d had both for a long time now, even if she hadn’t known it. And that was the crux of the situation. He had already given her his heart. Only she didn’t know she had it. With just a few words he could reveal it to her. Make her realize what she had, the power she owned. He loved her. He needed her. He trusted her. But to win her, he had to tell her. “Long as I live Long as I breathe With every heartbeat I’ll need you near me I won’t leave you behind Till the Lord says it’s time To go with him I’m yours, long as I live” As the last line reverberated in his mind and in his chest, he decided. He had to see her. To tell her. To ask her. He had to try. He had to tell her the truth. Reaching for the phone, he hit the speed dial button for her place. He wanted to make sure she’d be there when he arrived. On the second ring her sweet voice answered. “Hello?” Scully said into the receiver. “Scully, it’s me. I’m coming right over, so don’t go anywhere, ok.” he informed her quickly in a tone that brooked no argument. Without giving her a chance to answer, he hung up the phone and headed for the door, pausing only long enough to get her CD from the stereo before he walked out and literally raced to his car. Minutes later, he was standing outside her place, hand raised to knock. As his fist came down on the hard wood, he heard her come quickly to the door. She threw the door open, looking up into his face expectantly, wondering what was happening that would bring him to her doorstep on a Saturday afternoon. As he let himself in, she closed the door silently and turned to follow him in towards the couch. “Scully, sit down please. I need to tell you something, and it’s going to be a lot easier if you could just let me say it,” he blurted out in a nearly unintelligible slur of words. That alone got her curiosity raised, but she obediently took a seat on the couch. Then she watched him cross her living room to her stereo, where he opened up the CD drawer and loaded a disc into the player. With a few punches to some buttons, the track he’d spent the last five minutes at his apartment listening to started up. Turning, he looked over at her petite form seated on the couch, clothed in blue jeans and a old sweatshirt, and thought it was the loveliest thing she’d ever worn. It wasn’t until her eyes met his that he almost lost his nerve. Their piercing blue was awash in some emotions that he just couldn’t identify. On top was the questioning, but below it . . . he was sure he could see amusement and caring. Now all he had to do was get out the words he wanted to say and see if the look changed. Wandering back to the couch, he ended up kneeling beside it, and her. This way he was closer to her eye level, and could watch her reaction as he dropped his bombshell. Taking a deep breath, he blundered his way forward. “I found this album in my CD player. I think it’s yours, though how it got there’s still a mystery to me,” he explained, taking an easy tact to start. Then before she could answer he continued. “But what I wanted to talk to you about has to do with this CD. There’s a song on here, the one playing actually, that got me to thinking. About you and me that is.” Scully had heard John Michael Montgomery’s voice, and had realized what CD he was talking about. He’d never believe her if she told him that she’d snuck into his apartment and left it in the stereo, hoping he’d listen to it. She knew he needed a change from the depressing band albums that he liked. And it looked like he had listened to it, and that one song had made an impression on him. The question was, what kind of impression. Then she struggled to listen to the words, and almost blanched. It was a love song. What was Mulder . . . ? “Scully, I’m sure you know the song that’s playing, and the lyrics as well. And when I heard them, well, it brought home a lot of things for me, and I made a decision,” Mulder said simply. He was still battling his nerve and was finding that going slowly was helping him keep his new-found courage. That and the song still playing in the background, reminding him with its words of his own feelings for the woman sitting in front of him. Reaching out, he took her hands from her lap, holding them tightly, possessively. It was now or never. Gazing into her eyes, he let fly the words in his heart. “Dana Katherine Scully, you are the most amazing woman I have ever known. You’re my best friend. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. And . . . I’m in love with you,” he confessed emotionally. He’d watched her eyes, and the layers of complicated emotions seemed to melt away as he spoke. And as the last words fell from his mouth, there was only one emotion that was visible through those two windows to the soul. Love. Pure and simple. And it was a sight to behold. It wasn’t until the tears began to pool and spill from them that he became concerned. “Dana?” he asked nervously, reaching a hand to her face, his fingers brushing lightly at the tears slowly streaking down her cheek. Forcefully she cleared her throat, and caught the hand he had on her cheek with her own. And then she smiled. It seemed a little nervous, and a little guilty, but mostly she looked pleased. Quickly she used her other hand to wipe away the remaining tears, and looked at him. This man that meant so much to her, kneeling on her living room floor offering her his heart. “I love you too Mulder. So much,” she replied, her voice choked with tears and emotion. Her declaration sent his heart soaring. He’d been right. It had been love that he’d seen in her eyes all those times. And now that he knew she loved him, that last question was the only one left to ask. “Do you love me enough to marry me?” That question nearly started her crying again. His controlled, strong, and confident Scully was crying because of him. But he was consoled by the fact that they were tears of joy, not of pain. His only concern now was that she hadn’t answered him yet. Again he took hold of her hands with his, and caught her gaze with his own. And he waited. He didn’t have to wait long. “Yes, I do.” With that, she slid from the couch and fell into his embrace. They knelt there on the floor holding onto each other tightly. They’d work it all out later. Right now they just needed to know that they’d crossed that line together. That they loved each other. And that was all they needed to know. The rest were just details. And as they held each other, feeling the love they shared envelop them like a warm blanket, the song began its final chorus. “Long as I live Long as I breathe With every heartbeat I’ll need you near me I won’t leave you behind Till the Lord says it’s time To go with him I’m yours, long as I live” -End- Hope you enjoyed it. J.