From: mike metelsky Date: Tue, 26 May 1998 21:28:17 -0400 Subject: New to ATXC: Looking for the Truth 1/? By: Lauren:) Looking for the Truth by:Lauren:) PG: I think! Spoilers: Lots through beginning of 5th season Classification: VA, UST I'm a romantic, so if you're not into that, bail now. Summary: Missing scene from Redux II: Scully writing in her journal. Hey Everyone! My name is Lauren,(Not Chris Carter) which means that the characters of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully don't belong to me. I know big surprise, right! They belong to the previously mentioned CC, 1013 productions, and FOX. If you want, go ahead sue me. All you'll get is my schoolbooks and tons of X Files memorabilia. Like you guys need more of that. Anyway on with the show. This is my first ever fanfic. I just came across it and realized that I never finished the sequel. I'll post it next. There may be a part three depending on feedback. Let me know. XXXX Dear Diary, As I lay here in this hospital bed; my deathbed, I can't help but to think that I've failed. Not just failed myself, but Mulder, too. By dying, I feel like I've cheated him. When I'm gone, he'll be alone again. And worse than that, he still won't have the truth, his truth, our truth! The truth is out there. I know it and Mulder knows it. As much as I am the skeptic, I want to believe that the knowledge of the truth is out there. Whether the truth is as I see it or as Mulder sees it, I don't know. What I do know is that this truth has come to affect my whole being. Mulder is my truth, the only thing keeping me together; Samantha is his truth, the only thing tearing him apart. He means so much to me. He means everything. Right now, more than anything, I feel guilty for abandoning him. He needs his truth. He needs Samantha, but now I'm too weak to find her. I would give up the world for him to be happy, but instead, I'm being torn out of it, leaving him alone. I don't know if I'm more scared of dying, or more scared of leaving him behind. Death for me now is inevitable, but why can't he be spared? Why can't he get to live a happy life; one he so deserves? My greatest regret in life is never telling him about my truth, never telling him what he really means to me. He deserves that much. I was foolish for not telling him before, but I'd be even more foolish if I told him now. How can you tell someone that you'll love them forever, when tomorrow may very well be your last day on Earth? I wish I could give him the unconditional, undying love he so deserves; but that's impossible. I will love him even after my death, but what good will that do him? My faith, or what's left of it anyway, tells me that when I die, I'll be in a better place. I'll go to heaven. What about Mulder? What about him!?! Where will he be? In his cold basement office, alone?Damn it, It's not right. Without eachother, we are just fragments; pieces of the whole that our love makes. Pieces that will be forever torn apart. Dana K. Scully XXXX New! Looking for the Truth II: My Life Closed Twice 2/? X X X She is dying. Just three little words. She-is-dying- I still can't grasp that concept. This is the one time that I don't want to believe. This isn't supposed to affect me. She is just my partner. For God's sake, she was sent to spy on me. Somehow, that doesn't matter. That doesn't make it any easier. The truth? I love her. I can't live without her. We've both already lost so much. This will be the final loss. She'll no longer have to suffer. Hopefully, the God she so believes in will take her in his arms and give her angel wings so she can fly. She will be reunited with Ahab and Melissa; something she's wanted for a long time. Somehow, even that isn't much of a consolation to me. She is my life. She has filled my live with more love than I have ever known. Without her, I will be empty. Alone again, the story of my life. It reminds me of a poem I read in high school. After Sam's abduction, it seemed appropriate, but now, even more ironically so. My life closed twice before its close, It yet remains to see, If immortality unveil, A third event to me. So huge, so helpless, to conceive, As these that twice befell, Parting is all we know of heaven, And all we need of hell. First, Sam was taken from me. That resulted in the loss of my mom. Sure she was still there, but she gave up on herself. She gave up on Sam. I always blamed her, but now I feel guilty for that. It's hard to move on without the one you love. It's not her fault. She tried; she really did. Without Scully, I won't have the strength to continue either. The X-Files are in her. My quest started about Sam, but now, it is about us. What is the worst of all is that I can't do anything to help her. Believe me, if I could, I would. I would give up my life to have her's spared, but unfortunately, live doesn't work that way. I have to be strong. I have to pull through. I have to hold myself together, at least until she is gone. After that, I can't make any promises. While she is still here, I just have to keep a smile on my face. I wish I could take her in my arms, hold her and kiss all of her pain away. I want to lay her in her bed and make sweet, passionate love to her until all of her worries are forgotten. I can't. If I did have her, if I just touched her like that once, I'd never be able to let go. When she dies, I die. Telling her how I feel now won't solve the problem. She will still move on and I will still be here. I believe that we could have had something special. Actually, we did have something special. I just wish I could have acted on my feelings before it was too late. Jeez, listen to me. I'm talking like she is dead already. It's just a matter of time now. I just have to sit and wait. Our love is written in the stars. Unfortunately, it will never be. Our paths never had the change to cross. We never gave it that chance. Our lives have run parallel for five years now, so close, but afraid to take that last step. Now, instead of crossing, I'm still going straight, but Scully- she's going in the opposite direction. Farther and farther out of reach, until one day, she's gone. Fox W. Mulder X X X So what did you think? Pretty bad, huh. Let me know. Do you think it is worth writing a third part, where Mulder and Scully read what each other wrote, after Scully is cured? Email me, Please.