From: Silk1023 Date: Mon, 4 May 1998 00:03:20 EDT Subject: "Loser By Choice?" Title: "Loser By Choice?" Author: Sara Magee Rating: NC-17 (Sexual Situations/Language) Classification: MSR/A Spoilers: Small Potatoes Summary: Mulder and Scully get some advice from the Lone Gunmen (imagine that) on how to deal with their feelings after the Van Blundht case. Then they do it. Disclaimer: All characters in this story belong to Chris Carter, 1013 and FOX. I wouldn't dream of saying anything else. But what they do here (excuse TLG characterization...I needed a foil) is totally mine. Since they'd never do it on the show. (At least according to CC) Anyhow, don't sue me, I have nothing. Warning: This does contain our favorite agents finally giving into their baser instincts with each other, which WE ALL KNOW ARE THERE...but after a lot of angst and a visit from TLG of course. If you're against this, or not a relationshipper...you probably should skip this one. ************************************* "Loser By Choice?" Dana Scully's Apartment 8:30 PM "You ever wish you could go back and do things differently?" The words echoed through Dana Scully's mind nearly every day now. The thing was, she didn't know any more. Used to be, she'd say yes, she wanted to change a lot of things. Her relationship with her father,with Missy. The whole abduction horror. The pain she'd put her family through. The pain she'd put herself through. The pain she'd put Mulder through. The pain she'd put Mulder through. She knew she'd never be able to forget the expression on his face when he burst through that door and saw her with Van Blundht. Albeight, she thought it was him. And that's where everything went crazy. She knew the embarrassment would stay with her for a while. The moment she realized it wasn't Mulder almost in her arms ... well, best not go there. What really got to her, was the way it had affected her relationship with Mulder. She had realized, after a long, restless night of soul searching, that she was in love with her partner. That's what scared her most. Sure, she couldn't count the times she'd have jumped him if he ever offered. He'd managed to fulfill all her fantasies, and then some, each night in her dreams. But she'd always pushed those feelings down. They didn't' have that kind of relationship. They were each other's best friends. But that night, she realized she loved him and wanted him more than she ever had anything in her life. In a strange way, she had Eddie to thank for that. When he'd shown up at her door, as Mulder, she'd been surprised to say the least. Yes, her heart had jumped a couple of beats as she saw his smile through the peephole. When she'd seen him carrying the bottle of wine, her heart had sped up even more. And they'd talked. Really talked. She'd told him about that stupid fire, and the engine pumper... and Marcus. Hell, she'd told Eddie more than she'd told anyone in her life. She'd thought it was Mulder. And she'd realized, she liked the way Eddie had played Mulder. She liked the way he made her feel. As if she was the only woman in the world to him. As if she was more than just a "partner," more than just a "friend." The real Mulder never asked her if she wanted to talk. He never would remember her friends names if she told him. He never would have gotten her to almost kiss him. It should have been a clue, a glaring warning sign. But she'd ignored it, wanting to see the Mulder that was laughing with her, talking with her, making her feel things she hadn't let herself feel in a long time. She'd wanted the real Mulder to be that way. And she knew he could. If he'd only open up a little bit to her. Talk to her every now and then, not try to stay so alone. She knew she was just as guilty. All her "I'm fines," pushing him away the few times he'd shown her that softer side, offered a shoulder to cry on, to lean on. Offered to hold her. She'd pushed all that down, preferring to think she could deal with it on her own. She'd been brought up that way. You had to fend for yourself when you moved as much as they did. She wasn't used to talking about her feelings, her needs, with anyone. But they needed each other. He needed her, just like she needed him. These past five years had been hell, but they'd come through them. But they wouldn't have made it if they hadn't had each other. That was the one thing she was more sure of than anything. Eddie had only made it clearer to her. He'd made her realize she loved Mulder. But now, the way things were, she didn't know if it was worth what she'd lost. Ever since the "incident" as she had decided to call it...things were strained between the two of them. Sure, they were able to work, get along, and in general, act as if nothing had happened. But the closeness was gone. The unspoken communication was missing. They rarely talked any more, even about work...they'd get through the day, and Mulder would always take off, mumbling about somewhere he had to be. She knew he didn't have things to do those nights, he never had before, why should that change now? Unless he wanted to get away from her. The thought hurt. Not like they'd ever done things outside of work. But at least they'd had dinner several times, and he'd call her at all hours of the night. Not any more. She missed him. More than she wanted to admit. Things just didn't seem right without him there. She missed the conversations, she missed his laugh, she missed his light touch on her back...she even missed the arguments. He never contradicted her now, never put up a fight if she disagreed with him. Damn it! She'd come to depend on those arguments. She guessed the saying "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" rang true in this situation. "You ever wish you could go back and do things differently?" The sad fact was, despite the pain she was in now, how hurt she was by Mulder's attitude, she didn't know if she'd change things or not. If Eddie hadn't been Mulder... she wouldn't have realized that what she wanted was Mulder. She wouldn't have seen what he could have been like ... if he wanted to. She knew it wouldn't always be that way. But then again, she didn't think it would feel right if he didn't stay her skeptical, believing and trusting Mulder. But the gentler side was there...it was nice for a change. It made her feel special....it made her feel like they were really best friends. If Eddie hadn't been Mulder... she wouldn't have realized what she wanted from life. That she wouldn't settle for what she couldn't have. She'd seen what she wanted. Hell, he'd been right beside her the whole time. She wanted Mulder...all sides of him, from gentle...to the skeptical...to the believable...to the downright violent. She loved him. She knew that now. She wondered why she'd ever doubted it. But was it worth knowing, if she didn't do anything about it? She knew she should try. Try to talk to him. Confront him and make him discuss what had happened that night. They'd never talked about it. Never. It had remained an unspoken subject. Taboo. But she needed to talk about it now. She needed to get things back to where the used to be. She needed to get things straight so she had her best friend back. The person she trusted most back. And then maybe she could gain a lover. She sighed, feeling the depression wash over her. She loved him. She wanted him like she had no other. But she didn't know if she had the courage to confront him with it. She didn't' know what to do. "You ever wish you could go back and do things differently?" ******************************************************** Fox Mulder's Apartment 8:30 PM Fox Mulder figured he was about to go off the deep end. Literally. Even the Lone Gunmen had gotten on his case about what was bugging him...and that was something you didn't see every day. He sat on his couch, staring listlessly at the blank TV screen in front of him. He felt like a loser. "I was born a loser, you're one by choice." Eddie Van Blundht's comment had stuck with him ever since that visit. It wouldn't seem to go away. He knew he'd never forget the feelings that had run through him when he'd burst through Scully's door and seen her just about to kiss Van Blundht. Rage. Sickness. Hurt. Lust. Because the first thought that had sprung to his brain was that he wanted to be where Van Blundht was. In Scully's arms, kissing those red rosebud lips. Sitting on a couch, drinking wine, getting to know the real Scully. He'd seen her expression as she'd looked from Van Blundht to him, then back, watched her push him away and jump up, looking flustered. He had been trying to keep himself under control. His body was screaming at him to go straight to her and show her what he really kissed like...not what Van Blundht had been about to do. His mind couldn't get past the irrational hurt he'd felt at seeing him in her arms. Of course, she'd thought it was him. Which brought up another whole set of problems. She'd obviously been enjoying his company. Enough to relax and drink wine. Enough to smile at him. Enough to almost kiss him. She'd never done that with him in all their years together. Nearly five years. Yet Van Blundht had gotten under her skin, albeight by being him, in a matter of hours. Jealous that Eddie seemed to be able to get through to Scully in a way he never had. It hurt. It hurt a lot more than he thought it would. Although he knew a lot of it was his own fault. He pushed her away at times. He drove her crazy with his paranoid ideas. Hurt her over and over by ditching her, even when he thought it was for her own good. He turned away from her the few times she'd even hinted at offering something more...to paranoid about a case, to scared to face his feelings. But she'd had some fault to. Every time he'd tried to get close to her, wanted to hold her, to make her feel better, she'd push him away. She'd put on that "I can do everything by myself, I don't need you" facade...and shut herself off from him. She always wanted to deal with her feelings herself. Even when they both knew she'd be better off getting them out. Admitting she needed help, needed held every now and then. God, those times he wanted to hold her. All the things they'd gone through, the horror's they'd seen, the pain they'd put each other through. He'd wanted to hold her so many times...he flashed back to the scenes he played over and over again in his mind. Holding Scully after that bastard Pfaster had terrorized her. Seeing her nearly run to him and wrap her arms around him when he'd returned from that hellhole in Russia. Feeling her fingers clasp his hand tightly while watching Modell....all times he'd wanted to grab her and wrap her in his arms and never let go. But she never let him. And he never took the initiative and did. He was too scared. "I was born a loser, you're a loser by choice." Some choice. He didn't' even know how to go about bringing this up to Scully. "Hey Scully, do you know you're the star of my dreams nearly every single night? Do you know how many times I find myself clutching my cock...imagining it's your hand, your mouth...how many times I hear you scream my name as you come...feeling you're tight hot body wrapped around mine? Do you know how much I want you?" Do you know how much I love you? He'd known he loved her for quite a long time. He'd just never let himself admit how much until he'd seen her about to kiss Van Blundht. He just didn't know how to tell her. So he'd avoided her. He knew it hurt her, knew it made her uncomfortable. He too missed their unspoken communication. He missed having her around. He missed those midnight calls, those touches on her back. But he wouldn't do anything to bring them back. He couldn't. He knew he had to let the anger and fear go. He needed to talk to her about this...but he didn't know if he had the courage to do that. It'd be putting his whole life, his heart, on the line. He didn't know if he could live with the rejection if she didn't want him. She was a part of him, by now, so deep a part, he didn't know how he'd live without her. And she wouldn't be around much longer if he didn't do something about it. He knew that as surely as he knew his own name. He knew she'd bury the hurt and pain, and do the next best thing...get away from it, by getting away from him. He didn't want that...every part of him cried out at the thought. But he didn't know how to tell her, how to cross the huge chasm that had grown between them. "I was born a loser, you're one by choice." *************************************************** Dana Scully's Apartment 9:30 PM Later that night, Scully was curled up on her sofa in the middle of one of the better dreams she'd had lately. In it, Mulder was next to her, his large hands running delicately over her body, making her cry out his name, beg for his touch. She saw his dark, hazel eyes, looking into hers with so much passion, so much love...felt him fill her to bursting, he was so large, and strong, and hard and real...hear him scream her name as he exploded into her frantic body....feel her own release and breathless cry that went with it. She woke, panting, and feeling a pain and loss so great she couldn't think straight for a moment. He wasn't there. He hadn't just made wonderful love to her, taken her to places she'd never been...she was alone. Like she always was. Like she always ended up. She felt a single tear work it's way down her cheek. She hated this feeling of aloneness. She'd never felt it until Mulder had changed. Mulder always seemed to fill the void, he was always there. Now, she felt more alone than she ever had in her life. She didn't like the feeling. She admonished herself as she wiped the tears off her face. There was a knock on the door. Her heart leapt as she noticed the time. 11:21..PM. There was only one person that would come knocking at her door at that hour. He hadn't done it in weeks, but now... She felt a blinding smile cross her face as she jumped off the couch, heading for the door, needing to see him, needing to know he was there. He'd come to her...she knew it was going to be alright. She didn't even bother to glance through the peephole, grabbing the chain and freeing it, unlocking the door and throwing it open. Only to see the sheepish looking faces of the Lone Gunmen. Her face fell, but she quickly recovered. "Hey guys, what's up?" She asked, hoping her voice didn't sound as depressed as she felt. The fact that these three paranoid men were at her apartment hadn't registered yet. She was still trying to recover from expecting Mulder. "Uh, hi Scully," Buyers spoke up, "we uh, well, we were just in the neighborhood, and figured we'd stop in and see how you were...we haven't seen you for a while." Buyers looked relieved he'd gotten it all out. She looked at the three of them shuffling their feet and for once, not seeming intent on getting into her apartment and away from "someone" following them. Suddenly, she laughed. They really were funny some times. "Come on in guys.." she said, opening the door as all three of them piled in. As soon as she shut the door behind her, she ushered them into her living room, motioning for them to have a seat. As they all sat down, still looking uncomfortable, a thought struck her. "This doesn't have something to do with Mulder? Does it?" she tried to control the sudden fear in her voice, "is something wrong? Did something happen to him?" Frohike cut her off. "No, No..." he seemed more flustered, and she smiled a bit, her heart slowing down as she realized Mulder wasn't in danger...at least not known to these guys. "We, uh...well..." Buyers tried again, but couldn't seem to finish. Langley took over. "Hey Scully, we just thought we'd hand deliver you the latest "Lone Gunmen," see how you were...you know...get out for a change..." he said with a sheepish smile. "Really?" she asked with a smile, "that was sweet of you...thanks." She took the paper they offered her and put it on the table. "Guess I know what I'm doing tonight..." she said, somewhat morosely...not noticing the reaction this got from the three men in her living room. They quickly exchanged glances, and the only motion made was a slight nodding of Buyers head toward the two men. He spoke again. "So, you and Mulder haven't been in asking for our help on any cases lately...at least, you haven't," he amended quickly, "Mulder's been out with us a bit....but he always seems so stressed and unhappy..." Buyers trailed off, as all three men watched her reaction. That was the first thought that flew through her head, one she quickly pushed away. Why should she care? He had a life, he should be able to spend time with anyone he wanted...so then, why did the thought hurt so much? She just wished it was her... She wasn't aware she sighed audibly at the thought ... or that she had been silent for several minutes ... but the three men watching her were. Frohike thought, with a sigh. Buyers thought He winced at the image that brought up. Langley's thoughts were running along the same lines too he added as an afterthought He smiled at the picture it brought to his mind. While they were thinking, Scully was still trying to process her thoughts on the fact that Mulder had been spending his time with the Lone Gunmen and obviously been miserable... and she knew these three usually paranoid men had to be worried about Mulder's behavior, if they specifically mentioned it to her. She only hoped she wasn't being blatantly obvious about her own thoughts. She found herself asking questions about what they'd done with Mulder...what information he'd needed, where they'd gone. She told herself she was cloaking it all in a "concerned partner" air ... but one look at Buyers, then Langley, then Frohike told her differently. She sighed, audibly again and spoke through the silence. "How pathetic do I sound? And how long have you know about Eddie?" She asked wryly, figuring they'd figured it out from Mulder and her's behavior... and those sources of information they had she didn't even want to touch. They all looked at each other guiltily, until Frohike spoke. "We figured, after two weeks of Mulder's attitude, something had happened with you two... added to the fact he was driving us nuts..." this throw in received nods from the other two.. "so, knowing you both, we used our connections to find out what happened several weeks earlier...Van Blundht was the only case we found...we pretty much read "able to take on any appearance" and figured it out from there..." he only blushed slightly at the admission. "Well, you figured right," she said wryly, figuring if they knew already, it wasn't worth feeling embarrassed about. They'd seen her through tough times before. "We're guessing Eddie turned into Mulder and..." Langley actually looked embarrassed as he went on, "and, um, acted on his feelings for you...only, the real Mulder must have figured it out as well...?" he trailed off looking at her. "Walked in right as Eddie was about to kiss me..." she said flatly...seeing the wince in all three pairs of eyes. she thought to herself, She shrugged off the thought. As she'd said before, they obviously knew, no good trying to play dumb. "Ohhhh Boy..." Frohike said on a breath, "that would explain his testiness of late...." "Yeah, and he doesn't want to talk about it..." Scully continued, looking down at her hands, "every time I try, he changes the subject, or suddenly remembers someplace he has to be...and we've lost our closeness..." she hesitated a moment before whispering, "I miss him..." Buyers looked uncomfortably at his two compatriots, not quite sure how to process this Special Agent Dana Scully. "He misses you too you know...." he said softly...."and it's gotta be eating him up as much as it is you..." "Yeah," she said cynically, "it's really eating him up, he won't talk about it, hell, he'll barely talk to me anymore...he's really missing me..." "Scully, think about this a minute..." Buyers, ever the voice of somewhat reason spoke, "This is Mulder you're talking about...the man with more insecurities and hang ups than...well, hell, anyone I can think of...except maybe us...the man who is so passionate about his beliefs but stupid about a lot of other things...he's lost most of the people he's ever loved, his sister, father, mother...and almost you...that's what convinced us by the way, he was crazy, is always crazy anytime you're in danger, or missing, or gone...I truly believe seeing you with Van Blundht prayed on those inadequacies...and he's scared as hell to tell you, thinking you won't want him...to quote him, "he's no Eddie Van Blundht either," I believe...so he pushes you away...it's his self defense, he always does this...you know him...think about it..." he stopped as he saw her expression. He smiled to himself as he saw her small smile. "Okay, I see your point...but still..." she looked uncertain, "you'd think, no matter how scared he was, he'd at least say something..." "What's stopping you from making the first move?" Langley added, "it's the 90's you know...it is acceptable." "What do you think I've been trying to tell you??" she said irritably, "I've tried, he won't listen...I don't know how to make him listen..." she looked depressed again. "How do you do it on all your cases?" Frohike asked her matter of factly....bringing up a point she couldn't deny now that she thought about it. "Well, I guess..I guess...I just tie him down and don't let him move till we've had it out..." she trailed off at the image that thought evoked...then noticed the expressions on Frohike's face..."arguing you guys...arguing" she said as they laughed. "Why wouldn't that work in this situation as well?" Buyers again chimed in. "You know boys...you bring up a very interesting point...." she smiled at them again. "Well," Frohike said as he stood and patted her on the shoulder, somewhat awkwardly, "think about what we've said, really think about it Scully, and try to talk to him, take the first step...don't let him walk away from you...don't let hurt and sadness split you two apart...they've done too much to tear you guys away from each other now ... you've been through more than most married couple go through in a lifetime..." he stopped a moment at her wry look, then amended, "ok, you've been through more than any regular human couple go through in a lifetime, ....but...you belong together...any one of us could have told you that from the beginning...actually, neither of you is right for anyone else...you just have to do something...face him, face your truth...the one inside you...you'll know what to do..." he stopped, looking embarrassed at the serious tone his long winded speech had taken. She smiled at him, then at them all as they all stood up. "I'll think about it guys...I promise" she said softly, as she followed them to the door. "Do that...and if you need any help..." Langley looked at her for a moment..." you know, any special items or anything that might help..." he trailed off as she lightly hit his shoulder... "Go on, get out of here...enjoy your night out...I hope you're going to do something normal...like a movie...or pizza..." she raised a brow at their answer. "Not a chance, we've got several systems we want to check out around here..." Frohike said as the other two nodded. She laughed as she watched them file out... "Thanks for the pep talk guys...strange as it sounds, coming from you... I feel better..." she said, smiling slightly. "Anything for one of our two favorite agents..." they said in unison as they waved and headed out. She laughed as they disappeared, and then went back inside locking the door behind her. She went over to the couch and curled up, thinking about all they'd said. They really were sweet when they were trying to be nice. They also cut straight to the heart of the matter. She knew Mulder was scared....hell, so was she...she knew he loved her...but what way? She knew the Lone Gunmen were right, the only way to end this was to ask, confront really...then live with the answer. She might have to leave him, and though the thought broke her heart, she knew she couldn't work with him if he couldn't feel more for her than friendship. Hell, she couldn't work with him if things stayed as strained as they were now. She'd either have him totally...or not at all. She was tired of halves...she wanted wholes. She mused to herself, deciding she needed to get some sleep. Too much emotion in too short a period of time. Very unlike the normal Dana Scully Friday night. She padded into her room, dropping her clothes on the floor. Normally she would have folded and put them away, her fathers military training insisted she do this every night, but tonight, she was feeling...rebellious... She bypassed the drawer she usually kept the t-shirts she slept in...and instead, opened the very bottom drawer of her dresser and pulled out a dark green teddy. She slipped the material over her head and let the silky material float down around her body. She looked at herself in the mirror for a moment, smiling wryly at the vision she made. she thought with a laugh. she thought, smiling sadly, realizing that would probably never come to be. She headed back to the couch, for some reason, her bed seemed cold and lonely...at least the couch offered tv...and sound...and no room to miss a body that had never been there. She was so tired...the talk with the Lone Gunmen had worn her out...she needed sleep, she'd think about it tomorrow. She sighed as she felt the silk caress her body softly as she drifted off into dreams...of Mulder.... ************************************************************************** Dana Scully's Apartment 1:25 AM She was again dreaming Mulder was making love to her. His hands were sliding up and down her body, his mouth devouring hers in a devastating kiss. She was frantically running her fingers through his hair, over his chest, down between his legs... The feeling was incredible, she was moaning and arching against him, frantically rubbing herself against the rock hard rod she could feel in his pants. She finally managed to get his zipper down and wrapped her hand around his pulsing member. His own fingers were working magic on her clit...but she wanted him in her...finally, finally, she felt him press against her, begin to enter her... The pounding on her door brought her out of her dream in a flash, panting heavily, whimpering slightly. she thought angrily to herself as she tried to catch her breath, She managed to drag herself off the couch still trying to control her breathing, mind still half into her erotic dream. She was so tired and upset she didn't even bother with the peephole again, simply unlocking and opening the door still trying to open her eyes completely. There was a moment of silence, then a deep, angry voice filled her ears. "What the hell are you doing answering your door in that??" Mulder said, anger evident in his voice. she thought, her stupid heart still speeding up at the sound of his voice, Suddenly his words registered as she came fully awake. she thought inanely, not feeling the least embarrassed. She looked up at him, too tired to answer, too tired to fight back. What she saw in his eyes made her heart leap. Yes, anger was there. But more than that, so was desire. She knew she couldn't mistake that emotion. It swirled through his hazel eyes, deepening them to almost black. And (her foolish heart took hope) she could have sworn she saw love. "Scully...answer me...." his voice was still angry, but she could hear the desire lacing through it. "I was sleeping Mulder, something you should be doing at" she checked her watch, "1:30 in the morning." They stared at each other for a moment, before Mulder's eyes dropped down her body. She could feel a blush rising to her face as he slowly dragged his gaze back up to her face. "Alone?" he asked quietly, menace still in his voice. She saw red. "What business of yours is it whether I'm sleeping alone or with someone?" She said with a calmness she wasn't sure where she found. "Just answer me Scully...am I interrupting anything? I know your social life is pretty non-existent, unless you've somehow got Van Blundht in there..." She slapped him. Hard. "How dare you!" she said, anger warring with a deep hurt inside her, "How dare you come to my apartment in the middle of the night and act like some outraged father...or brother...telling me who I can and cannot sleep with..." He cut her off, his own voice rising. "I'm not your father Scully, or your brother..." he said, menacing again, looking harshly at her. The only thing that stopped her from slamming the door in his face was when she looked up into his eyes. Pain this time. And hurt. And guilt. And still, desire, and lust. And love. "Mulder, if we're going to air this now," she looked at her watch again, "get in here and we'll do it in private instead of putting on a show for my whole building." She opened the door all the way as Mulder brushed past her and headed into the living room. She closed the door behind her, taking a deep breath as she followed. she sighed to herself. She sighed again trying to gather her defenses to deal with Mulder. The time had come. He'd brought up Eddie. Now it was time to sort this out once and for all. She hoped they were both ready for this. Taking a deep breath, she turned to face her partner. *********************************************************** That was the first thought that went through Mulder's dazed brain as he got a look at Scully as she opened her door. was the second thought. He could feel his erection spring to life. She looked fantastic. The green teddy hugged her perfect breasts, accentuating their upturned tips, showing through the thin material. It also barely covered her ass. Somehow, short as his partner was, her legs looked like they went on forever. And so much bare skin. He began to sweat, thinking what she'd look like if he removed the garment with one quick tear. Then uncertainty set in. It was the middle of the night. She had been sleeping. Normally, he didn't think she wore this kind of thing when she was alone. Was she alone? The thought stunned as well as angered him. But it did no good. The lust was running too high mixed with his anger. He regretted the words as soon as he uttered them. "What the hell are you doing answering your door like that?" he said, cringing at the menace he heard in his tone. He knew it was the wrong thing to say, especially when, after a long look at him she remained silent. "Scully, answer me..." he cringed again... but he couldn't stop, especially when she finally told him she'd been sleeping, what he should have been doing. He knew he shouldn't have said it as soon as it was out. But he couldn't seem to control himself. "Alone?" He saw the hurt hit her eyes, and immediately regretted the words with all his heart. But he was too angry to take them back. "What business of it of yours who I sleep with?" she said, obviously trying to hold her anger and pain back. He spoke before he thought again, jealousy and anger driving him. "Just tell me Scully, are you alone? I know your social life is non-existant, or do you have Van Blundht in there..." He saw the slap coming, felt her palm connect with his cheek, calling himself every name in the book as he let the pain fade. "How dare you ..." she continued, but he wasn't paying attention. God she was beautiful when she was angry. And with no bra on, he could see her beautiful breasts swinging with her movement. Her eyes were shooting fire at him, her little figure tensed in outrage. His mind continued along this track till he heard her last words. "..you're not my father, or my brother." He knew that. God did he know that. For some reason, that outraged him again. "I'm not your father...or your brother..." He expected her to slam the door in his face. He needed her too. He deserved it. he thought to himself. Then, he looked in her eyes. Yes, there was anger, and hurt. But he could also see desire. Simmering in the back of those usually so cool blue eyes. It made his heart leap. He figured he was seeing things, but didn't refuse when she told him to take this into the apartment. He stormed past her, heading for the living room, wondering if he was ready for this. ************************************** Fox Mulder's Apartment Earlier that Night It had been a hellish night. He'd been sitting at home, cursing himself for the way he'd treated Scully. He knew he had to do something, but didn't' know what. When the knock at his door had come, he'd thought it would be Scully. His heart leapt at the thought, she'd come to him. She wanted to talk. They'd settle this. When he'd found the Lone Gunmen on the other side of his door, his expression fell. "Oh, hi guys," he said, trying to get over the depression of not seeing his partner. "Some welcome Mulder," Langley said with a laugh as they pushed past him into the apartment. "Expecting someone else?" Frohike said with a grin, making Mulder cringe. "No, not really, I suppose since you're here, something's come up..." he sighed, figuring work might help him get his mind off Scully. "Not really Mulder, we were just out checking a few so-called security systems in the neighborhood and decided to drop by to see if you were in a better mood than you have been the last month. Obviously we were wrong..." Frohike didn't sound angry though. "Yeah, well, tough. What did you guys want?" Mulder asked, wondering what they were up to. The three gunmen looked at each other, then back at Mulder. He looked like hell, they thought. Even worse than Scully had. He was tired, gaunt, hadn't shaved in at least a week, wearing messy sweats, a torn tank top, and the same lost look that his partner had been wearing an hour earlier. They sighed and Buyers finally spoke. "You look as bad as she does you know.." he said quietly, each man watching their friends reaction. "Who does?..." Mulder asked with a frown, wondering who they could mean...certainly not... "You know idiot," Langley added, "you're ever so beautiful but distressed and upset partner, one Dana Katherine Scully." "Though she did look beautiful," Frohike added with a sigh, his eyes taking on a faraway look... He didn't notice Mulder stiffen. But the other two did. "Just where did you see her boys..." he asked, trying not to let the fear and the hope spring into his voice. "At her apartment, obviously pining for you just as much as you're doing for her..." Buyers said matter of factly. "What do you mean," Mulder looked flustered, "yeah, we've been having some problems, but what makes you think we're "pining" for each other..." they cut him off. "Oh shut up Mulder," Frohike said with a sigh, ignoring the look of shock on his friends face, "you know damn well the two of you are made for each other, hell, the looks you two exchange are hot enough, and because of some stupid incident with a geeky, loser guy you've let that come between you, when what it should have done was make you realize you're true feelings..." He trailed off at the expression on Mulder's face. "What the hell do you three know about Van Blundht..." he asked quietly, the menace in his tone making the three men shift, "I assume you know, since you're here..." He looked at them for a moment then sighed. "I'm not even going to ask how you found out, but I'm assuming you know everything..." he trailed off forlornly, sinking back onto his couch. "Yeah we do Mulder" Buyer said, in a no nonsense voice, "so why aren't you doing anything about it? You obviously haven't talked about it...you're driving each other, not to mention us, crazy with this silent treatment, anger, and jealousy..." "Mulder, Van Blundht took on your personality, your body, you...IT WAS YOU WHO WAS COMING ONTO SCULLY...she wouldn't have been like that for anyone else but you." Langley was getting tired of all the sidestepping. Mulder looked at them before he spoke. "But it wasn't me, Van Blundht was being as far from me as possible...I've never gotten Scully to look at me like that, to talk to me like that, to even think about kissing me like she was going to do with Van Blundht...." He looked depressed again. "So, why don't you try to tell her that, try to open up to her a bit, let her in..." Frohike added this time. "She never lets me," he said harshly, "every time I want to get close to her, she turns away, she says she's fine and that she can deal with it herself...she doesn't need me...she doesn't even want me..." he laughed harshly..."but now, I can't seem to function without her." The four men sat in silence for a while. Finally Buyers spoke. "Okay, but what about you? Samantha has always been your quest, your dream, you're reason for everything. Scully knows this, she's stayed with you because she believes in you, and you're belief that you'll find Samantha. But," he paused for a moment, looking straight at Mulder, "That's changed, hasn't it? Sam's still important, but not as important as Scully. You were crazy when she was "gone," you still get crazy when you don't know where she is...she's become the center of your life, because you work with each other, you compliment each other, hell, you've been through so much together, seen so many things together...you're not going to be able to find that with anyone else...but have you done anything to tell her this...to let her know how important she is to you?...think about it." He finally trailed off, noticing Mulder slowly begin to nod his head. "Okay, okay, I see your point," he conceded, "but how do I tell her this, do I just come out and say, Scully, I love you, I want to spend my life with you, working with you, having kids with you, hopefully finding Samantha with you???" The three men looked at each other, then back at Mulder. "Why not?" Langley said matter of factly, "the way things are, what have you got to lose?" Mulder thought about that for a moment, then nodded. "You're right...sad but true, you're right..." he sighed. Then something hit him. "Wait a minute, what did you mean earlier when you said Scully was feeling the same way...just what have you three been up to tonight?" He looked suspiciously at them. "We just stopped by Agent Scully's apartment to hand deliver the latest Lone Gunmen, we hadn't seen her for a while...and..." "You were just in the neighborhood..." Mulder said wryly. "Yep," the three chimed, smiling at each other. "Okay, I'll bite, what did she say?" he looked at them like a puppy waiting for an owner to pick him out. "Why don't you go ask her yourself?" Frohike said, looking back at him. He contemplated that for a moment, then smiled. "You know, I think that's a very good idea...a very good idea..." he said quietly "Thanks guys, I needed that..." "Anytime" they replied, smiling at him. "Okay, well I hate to break this up, but I believe I have someone I have to go see..." Mulder smiled to himself as the men rose. "You do that," Langley said, looking back as they headed out the door, "and if you need any help, anything at all..." "Good-bye boys" Mulder said with a laugh as he shut the door. But even that thought couldn't stop the smile from breaking out across his face as he knocked on her front door. ******************************* Which brought him back to the present, here, in Dana Scully's living room, waiting for her to lam into him for being a total jack ass. he thought ironically as he heard her enter the room. But, a part of him was relieved. It was past time they had this out. He would go for broke. It might be the only way they could salvage things. Or it could destroy them. The two partners stared at each other for what seemed like years. Scully couldn't bring herself to look away from his eyes. They were a deep dark black, reflecting all the emotions going through his head. She knew she should be outraged at him, and she was still a little mad, he'd said some hurtful things. But her dream was still with her. The vivid image of him thrusting into her was burned into her mind. And here he was sitting on her couch, her living breathing fantasy. Well, her living, breathing, outraged fantasy. she smiled slightly, then pulled herself back. They needed to talk first, they had to settle this. Mulder's brain was thinking along the same lines. The sight of a Scully wrapped in a nearly transparent, body clinging piece of green silk was wreaking havoc on his nerves. And another part of his body as well. All he wanted to do was pull her into his arms and bury his mouth against hers. Slowly strip that green silk away from her body, or rip it off her in one quick jerk, then to feast on her lovely, naked body, laid out for him in all her glory....he brought himself back with a jerk, realizing he was getting ahead of himself. His living, breathing fantasy was very angry at him right now, with good reason. He figured they wouldn't be getting anywhere like that tonight. He sighed. "Mulder, let's get this out in the open." Scully decided to plunge in, the sooner it was over the better. "I know you've been upset about the whole...Eddie Van Blundht incident," she paused then hurried on before he could say anything, "and all I can say is I'm sorry...I don't know what came over me, I mean, he was so convincing...you'll never know how guilty I feel about the whole thing, and you're expression when you came in...I thought you hated me...it took Buyers to point out the obvious...." she paused again, feeling his eyes on her. "I know, and I've apologized, but you have to let it go, it's over, it's done, he's in jail, we can't let this affect us, affect our work...our friendship, face it Mulder you've been acting like a jerk, and it's time to stop." Her eyes wouldn't meet his now as she sank onto the couch on the opposite end from him. "Scully, did you ever stop to think why I might be acting like this?" he asked gently, wondering if she'd actually answer him. She still wouldn't meet his gaze. "Well..." she trailed off... "Scully, look at me." He commanded, and saw her raise her eyes. His heart filled. That was his Scully. "Scully, I've acted like a jerk, I know it, and I apologize, but you see, I was eaten up with jealousy...seeing so green I couldn't stop myself from lashing out at you...I wanted to blame you for it all, but I knew it was only myself that could take the blame...actually, it was Frohike that made me see that...I'm so sorry...but..." "Why were you jealous Mulder?" she asked softly, still keeping her eyes on him. He smiled at her gently. "Don't you know Dana?" he said softly, reaching a finger out to stroke her cheek, "because when I burst through that door, the first thing that went through my head wasn't to save you...it was to take Van Blundht's place and show you how the real Mulder kissed. I wanted to be Van Blundht. I wanted to be the one in your arms. And that's something I've wanted for the past four years." She looked at him, and he saw the smile break over her face. It was going to be okay. "Then why don't you show me?" she asked quietly, staring him straight in the eyes. Mulder looked at her, and gently drew her face to his. Their breaths mingled, hesitating a fraction before he touched his lips to hers. It was a gentle kiss, a tentative kiss, a soft touching of mouths. For all of about three seconds. Then it got out of control. His hands dove into her hair, bringing her mouth harder against his. He felt her lips open to his seeking tongue and drove into the sweet cavern. His hands fisted in her hair, drinking in her smell, her taste, her essence. God she tasted sweet. God he tasted sweet. Scully couldn't believe this was really happening. Her Mulder was kissing the living daylights out of her, and it was better than her dreams. Much, much better. She grabbed handfuls of his hair, pulling his lips closer, trying to become one with him. She pressed her body against his, loving the feel of her nipples brushing against his chest, the feel of his strong arms running up and down her back and over her ass. She gasped as she felt him pull her into direct contact with his straining erection. God he was hard. God she was soft. Mulder couldn't believe he was kissing Dana Scully. Actually, he was doing a lot more than that. He managed to gain enough breath back to lean away, just far enough to get the straps of the teddy off her shoulders, freeing those glorious breasts to his gaze. His hands went straight for them, cupping and stroking the hard little tips. He groaned as he heard her moan of ecstasy. His heart jumped into hyper speed as he felt her small hand reach down and cup him in her small palm. His own groan drew a smile from his partner. "You like that....Fox?" she asked wickedly, using his first name to see what effect it would have. "God yes, Dana...don't stop" he groaned as she increased the pressure of her palm through the material of his jeans. Suddenly, he had to touch her. He heard her own gasp as his fingers reached down between her legs and dipped into her warmth. God she was wet...and she wasn't wearing anything underneath that teddy. With a growl, he pulled away and took the teddy in both hands, ripping it clean in two as her body was finally revealed to him in all it's glory. "My God Dana...." he said, noticing she didn't shrink away from his gaze. She simply stared at him, letting him see all that she was. "Mulder," she said, "that was my favorite teddy" she said with a pout. "Don't worry Scully, I'll buy you a new one for the next time I rip it off you..." he growled pulling her back against his painfully aroused body. "Oh, that sounds like fun, but someone right now is wearing too many clothes himself..." she went for his zipper as his own hands whipped his shirt over his head. They both groaned as their naked bodies finally pressed together. Hard against soft. Both so hot they could barely stand it. Mulder's mouth swooped down her chest taking one nipple deep into his mouth and sucking hard on it. "Mulder...oh God..." Scully moaned, her breath coming in gasps now, not believing these feelings. "God, this feels so much better than in my dreams..." she managed to get out, feeling him smile against her breast. "So, you've dreamed about this with me have you Dana?" he asked, drawing away from her breast, ignoring her moan. "Of course, haven't you?" she said coyly. "More than you'll ever know..." he said wryly, the smiled wickedly at her. It was a full teeth smile. She knew she was in trouble. She couldn't wait. "What?" she asked. "I think it's time to put our dreams to rest and let reality take over..." he said as his mouth suddenly buried itself between her legs. She nearly screamed as she felt his tongue between her legs. It swirled over her moist lips, and circled her clit, always coming close, never quite touching it. "Mulderrrrrrrr...." she barely managed his name... "Mulder, please..." She couldn't take this anymore. He was driving her crazy, if he didn't touch her there, right now, she was going to go crazy. "Please Mulder...oh God, please...." He obliged. She screamed and arched her hips off the bed against his moving mouth as he finally took her clit between those pouty lips and sucked hard on it. She could feel the orgasm rolling over her in waves. she thought, as her hips ground themselves against her partners face. She couldn't believe the pleasure she was feeling. She felt herself slowly floating back to earth, and felt Mulder slide up her body, to place a gentle kiss on her lips. She tasted herself. She wanted to taste him. "Wow," was all she could get out. Mulder laughed. "Not bad for "Spooky" Mulder now was it?" he asked, kissing her again. "That was great Mulder, now it's my turn..." she said, as his surprised look turned to one of ecstasy as she pushed him onto his back and took his cock into her mouth. "Dana....oh my god...." he hissed as he felt her mouth circle his head, slowly stroking up and down his straining shaft, running over the tip each time she came up... His hips began thrusting powerfully into her mouth, he looked down, only aware of the red hair spread across his lap, his partner, his Scully, with her mouth surrounding him, swallowing him whole. "God..." he groaned as her pace increased...he couldn't take this...he wanted to be inside her, now. He pulled her head away, ignoring her gasp as he pushed her onto her back. "Together Scully, this first time, and always..." he managed as he positioned himself, rubbing against her wet entrance. "Now Mulder," she replied, aroused again by his words.. "I want you in me now... Do it Mulder..." He didn't need to be told twice. With one quick thrust, he was buried to the hilt. They both cried out at the sensation. It was heaven. It was home. Mulder began a slow and easy thrusting movement, taking his time, watching her reactions, wanting to get it right. This had to be good for her. "Harder, faster....more Mulder...I'm going too...." she ground out...speeding her hips up in time to his. At the words, he lost control. He began thrusting into her hard and fast, as so deep she thought she could feel him in her throat. They pounded against each other, her hips meeting each of his thrusts. "Fox!!!!!........" she screamed as she felt her second orgasm, much more powerful than the first wash over her. "Dana!!!!...." his own scream echoed hers as he felt himself explode into her warm and trembling body. Feeling her spasms milk him for all he was worth. They came back to earth slowly, neither quite believing where they'd taken each other to. Mulder wrapped her in his arms, pulling her face against his neck, their breathing slowly quieting. "I love you...." the words were whispered against his throat, softly, almost inaudible. "I love you too..." he said into her hair, and felt her arms tighten around him. She pulled away a bit to look up at him, wanting to get it out before sleep over came them. "Mulder, I'm sorry for everything, but I'm glad it got us to admit our true feelings..." she said softly, letting her love for him shine in her eyes. "Me too Dana...I'm sorry for the pain I've cased you...what I've put you through..." he looked into her eyes as he spoke seeing her acceptance. "Scully," he went on, "you know we have to be very careful about this...if they find out..." "Shhhhh," she said, placing a finger over his lips, "I know that, but together, we can do this. I love you and I'm not going to let them take this away from us...." He looked at her for a moment, then smiled. "Okay, then we're in this together?" he asked with a smile. She smiled back and kissed him. "All the way...till the end..I'm yours...you're mine...any questions??" she asked. "Not a one...not a one...." he replied, kissing her back. They settled down, sleep slowly claiming their tired bodies. "Mulder...." her voice was almost a whisper. "What?" he replied, almost asleep himself. "You do realize you really aren't a loser now, don't you?" He laughed. "Yeah Scully, I think you've proven that...." "Good," she replied, smiling as she settled deeper against him. They drifted off to sleep wrapped tightly in each other's arms. ****************************************************************