From lone_jaguar@geocities.com Fri Mar 28 21:55:47 1997 Subject: [xff] Losing Control Ain't Bad By Nicole van Dam (1/1) From: lone_jaguar@geocities.com (Nicole van Dam) -------- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Dana Scully and Fox Mulder belong to Chris (who-wouldn't-meet-my-sister-so-she-had-a-coffee-with-the-guy-who -played-DPO-and-sold-a-movie-and-a-CD-to-Nick-Lea (true story)) Carter, 1013 Prod. and FOX Broadcasting. No infringement is intended. Go ahead... take me to court... It'll give more of a life than I have now. Rating: R, S, V Summary: Scully lets something slip... Total of 4 stories in two weeks!!! Cooooool... Sorry to those who don't like 1st person... I don't usually do it (I don't like it either), but this fit... Kinds cheesy toward the end, but don't kill me for it... I think it's a good cheesy... Anyway... Got to go to bed, school tomorrow... groan... quarter after twelve now and I gotta get up in about six hours... double groan... take that into consideration while you're reading this too... zzzzzzz Comments, suggestions and flames are always welcome. Though, I should add, the flames will be used for various things. Warm my house, roast weenies, toast marshmallows (even if I don't like them that much) and well . . . amuse me because I love fire. :-) Enjoy. Losing Control Ain't Bad Nicole van Dam aka: The Warfarine Dealer lone_jaguar@geocities.com It had always been my mother's loving embrace that brought me out of the cold, dark place that only nightmares and horrible visions existed. A warm hand stroking my hair, a soothing voice, hushing me back to sleep. And I would always go. Things have changed, as they often do. I still have my mother as a shoulder to cry on, which I rarely do, and a very good friend to lend an ear, which I hardly use. It's always been difficult for me. Telling people how I feel was never part of my genetic makeup, it seemed. I always felt that I could deal with the problems myself. So I guess when it finally slipped out in the heat of the moment, I kind of screwed myself. Sure, it was never a secret that I was attracted to him. It was never a secret that he was attracted to me. Maybe that's why it happened. It was like he already knew. Standing in the middle of a downpour, my eyes half shut because of the rain, I stared at him about to run off to follow one of his stupid, half-cocked leads. I wasn't going to go with him, I wasn't going to let him lead me into that situation again. It wasn't like I didn't like going with him, it was just getting too hard; too difficult to just pick up and go. "Come on!" he said, pulling my arm. He had a faint smile on his face and I could tell he was enjoying himself. He always liked leaping off into the darkness... idiot. "No," I told him. I thought. I stared up at him, the rain drops sliding down both our faces, wondering what his move would be. His face sank like a little boy's would after being denied another cookie. But he was good at recovering from those things. "Okay... I understand." And he turned away. Not exactly the response I wanted. I suppose I just could have let him leave. It's not like he wouldn't have come back. He would have. He would have come back broken, bruised and beaten... Like a child beaten at a bike race... A man losing his love. And I would have been there for him. I would have comforted him, held him, let him cry on my shoulder. And I knew that; I'd be waiting. But seeing his back shrink smaller and smaller as he walked away stirred something inside me. There was something deep inside of me that stood up in utter defiance. So when he was twenty feet away, I couldn't control myself. "Mulder, I love you!" I yelled, relieved to get it off my chest, but completely terrified that he'd heard it. And you could tell he'd heard it. He stopped dead, like a deer caught in headlights. Like he had been frozen in time; stuck in suspended animation. He still hadn't faced me, but I could imagine the look on his face. I said to myself. Then he turned to me. He walked slowly, looking like he wasn't sure he'd heard me correctly. His face had grown softer; his eyebrows slightly raised. It seemed like he was walking much slower than he actually was, and I wanted to run to him. My feet were glued to the spot; my hands frozen at my sides... I wish my heart had been. It was beating so quickly, I was sure he could hear it. I wondered absently why it was beating so fast. Was I afraid he heard me and didn't love me back? I wasn't sure at that precise moment; the only thing I was aware of was that if my heart didn't pace itself soon, I was going to have a heartattack. Okay, so it wasn't really appropriate to profess the prohibited love I felt for my partner at the time. I don't know why I said anything at all. It just came out; I had no control. Me, Dana Scully, Mayor of Controlville. Nothing could break my exterior, it seemed. Not any monster, no UFOs, no obnoxious agents from The Old Boys Club, nothing. Even him. He made me so mad sometimes, I'd wanted to give him a good shot to the head, but I controlled myself. Maybe that was my problem. My control was slipping. It seemed like it disappeared completely when he stopped in front of me. He was so close, I could feel the heat from his body against my face, not that it was entirely unpleasant. I looked up at him, and he down at me. Our size difference almost made me laugh. He was almost a full foot taller than I was and I still sometimes thought that he was crazy and needed a smack. Size was never something that intimidated me. I smiled faintly, hoping to make good of the situation, hoping he would smile back. But he didn't. He looked so captivated, I was becoming a little self conscious. The hand he raised to my cheek was warm and gentle. My eyes shifted to it quickly, then back to his, which had wandered to the rest of my face. I swallowed, waiting for his move. It was like chess. An analogy I probably wouldn't have used, but it seemed to suit nicely. Try to control the four middle squares. The board is like a hill, you control the top, you control the hill. I suppose he controlled the four middle squares. I waited for him to make his move. Always be at least five moves ahead of your opponent. I think that's why I never liked chess. Too many possibilities. I chewed on my bottom lip; the wait was killing me. Did he feel the same way I did? If so, fabulous, if not... I guess I could live with it. I'd feel like a complete doorknob for yelling 'I love you!' to someone who didn't love me. But if I blurted it out, I guess it needed to come out. I searched his eyes for his answer. Hell, if he wasn't going to tell me, I can figure it out. I'm not an FBI agent for nothing. But then his eyes changed, which threw me off my search. They deepened, it seemed, and my heart rate accelerated. I swallowed again. I thought. Then his other hand came to join the other; framing my face. My breathing was becoming a little harder to grasp and I wished he would just say something. I was even going to accept the 'no, I don't love you' over this silence. I was about to say that I didn't mean it when his lips touched mine. It startled me and I sucked in a quick breath. I settled into it gradually, becoming familiar. This seemed to be the only thing I didn't know about him. I knew he liked the Knicks, the Redskins, sunflower seeds, regular coffee. I knew that he became too restless when he was inside too long. I even knew he liked boxers, though, I found that out in the most undesirable situations... He was usually unconscious at the time. But I didn't know this. I was beginning to think that I should have said 'I love you' sooner. I knew his answer was in concrete when his arms wrapped around me. My arms, in turn, moved around his neck; one hand in his wet hair. It was the most euphoric feeling, the man whom I loved, loved me the same and I could tell he had for a while. We opened to each other and the sky joined us; the rain pounding even harder and for some reason, we didn't care. I knew when I got home, I was going to have some kind of cold, but I just didn't care. This... me and him... was enough. Needless to say he stayed with me... ============ THE END January 5, 1997 ============ El amor lo conquista todo :-) "I was terrified of sharks, but I wanted to swim with them anyway." --Gillian Anderson "You're not afraid of the dark, are you?" "Depends on who I'm in it with." Bailey Malone in Profiler "I'll be Watching You" Woolford Gem no. 10 (something my Math teacher actually said in class) "Excuse me, but there's someone on the floor talking." Death to Roborat!! >:-) From lone_jaguar@geocities.com Fri Mar 28 21:56:05 1997 Subject: [xff] Facing The Truth By Nicole van Dam (1/1) From: lone_jaguar@geocities.com (Nicole van Dam) -------- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Fox Mulder (I'm gonna spell it without having to delete "Mudler" first sometime soon... anyone else have that problem?) and Dana Scully do not belong to me... if they did... well... nevermind... Let's just say things would be a little different... They (both of them) belong to Chris (I'll-be-nice-to-him-this-time) Carter, 1013 Prod. and FOX Broadcasting. No infringement intended... I promise I'll put them back this time... promise ;-) Rating: R, S, V Well... this is the same as Losing Control Ain't Bad... only from Mulder's point of view... I think it's a little cheesier though, it was written in one night, what do you expect... you may want to read that one first... I think I'm writing too much... That's two in the past two days... I don't seem to be getting to bed any earlier and I don't like walking in minus fifteen weather at seven thirty in the morning NOW it decides to snow... BTW, I have exams coming, so this'll probably be the last one for a few weeks... groan... but knowing me... just remember: Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. :-) Hey, Rachael: This one's for you... ;-) Summary: Mulder confronts Scully's slip-up... Comments, suggestions and flames are always welcome. Though, I should add, the flames will be used for various things. Warm my house, roast weenies, toast marshmallows (even if I don't like them that much) and well... amuse me because I love fire. :-) enjoy. Facing The Truth Nicole van Dam aka: The Warfarine Dealer lone_jaguar@geocities.com Friendship never really meant much to me in the past. Ever since my sister disappeared, it's just been me. Sure, my mother was there, as was my father, but they didn't seem to care for me as much as they said they did. Now everything has changed... For the most part, anyway. The few friendships I have now I value more than anything. The Lone Gunmen have always been there for me; albeit they usually lost track of what I was there for and started rambling about some conspiracy or other. Usually I was interested in that stuff. Which leaves Dana Scully. Sure, I never really thought that she was there for good, and initially, she later told me, she wasn't. VCS Section Chief Blevins had assigned her to me to give them enough ammunition to blow up the X-Files. I smile now, every time I think of how their 'brilliant' plan backfired. Ever since then she and I had been best friends; inseparable. Which made it harder and harder to leave her standing in that puddle. Late at night, rain coming down like God had it in for me. I got an anonymous tip and, as always, dragged her out with me to the tiny airport about twenty minutes from Bethesda. I didn't want to walk away from her. I wanted her to come with me more than anything. I valued her not only as a friend, but a protector. She was the only one who was ever covering my back and not trying to kill me at the time. I wanted her at my side all the time; didn't want to go off without her, though I often did to protect *her*. She hated it, I know... Still hates it. Which makes me wonder why I still do it. Old habits... "No," she told me. The comment ripped at me, clawing at my insides with razor talons. I almost knew she was going to say that anyway, but it still stung. I nodded and turned slightly. "Okay... I understand." And I turned my back on her and started walking. I wanted her to do something. I didn't want to go without her. I willed her to run and catch up with me so I could smile at her and we could face the world. I even slowed a little when I was ten feet from her, but realizing she was staying put, I continued my normal pace and started off. I knew better than to think she would do anything other than tell me I was walking to my death, or to have a safe trip. She had said that to me once, that I was dead. Though, it was called for; running in front of about ten men armed with M-16's isn't the brightest thing to do. I don't think it was the initial four words that caught my attention, I think it was her voice. I wanted to hear it so badly at that moment, I stopped dead. Then I realized what exactly she had confessed. "Mulder, I love you!" I silently thanked God to have it raining afterall. Those words shot straight to my heart and the rain did wonders to disguise the tear that fell. I heard nothing after those words. I wanted her to keep talking, to tell me something more, but she didn't. I turned slowly, still not sure I heard her correctly and the look on her face sent a different message. She was afraid. Afraid of really only one thing that I could think of, and that was my answer. This answer would change almost everything and not for the first time... I didn't care. I knew that she wouldn't have said what she did if she didn't mean it, she wasn't that kind of person. Hiding her feelings was something that she was very good at and it took me the four years we've known each other to finally be able to read her. I walked toward her, concentrating each step of the way because if I didn't, I knew that their shaking would give me away. My hands dangled at my sides as I stepped through each puddle and stream on the tiny runway; the rain relenting. The darkness was making it a little hard to see, but there was no mistaking the look on her face. It was one of fear, anxiety and hope rolled into one. I wasn't sure how I looked, but I knew it must be like I just won the lottery and was still trying to breathe after hearing the numbers. It was an interesting way to put it, the lottery. That basically described our relationship. You draw the six numbers, and hope to God they don't explode in your face. When I came to a stop in front of her, she looked up at me. I wanted to tell her I loved her too, that I would do anything for her, but the words were just not finding their way around my tongue. It was incredibly frustrating. I had never had trouble saying anything to her before, but now, there seemed to be so much riding on those three little words that she wanted me to say; that *I* wanted to say. I raised my hand to touch her face, like I had done long ago under different circumstances. I watched her eyes shift almost nervously to it, then back to me, but I didn't look her in the eye and I think that frustrated her. I took in the rest of her face, absently stroking her cheek with my thumb and I saw her swallow. She was waiting. I had never looked at her so closely before, which made me wonder why I hadn't. I knew she was a beautiful woman, but most of those thoughts were shoved to the back of my mind. It was like she had a sign on her: "Partner: Do Not Touch". Everytime I saw that sign, I wanted to rip it off and defy it. I knew I needed to do something when I saw her chew on her lip; something she always did when she was running out of patience. She looked at me again and for the first time, I saw what I had always wanted to see. I knew my expression must of changed slightly at that because her breathing changed cadence. I raised my other hand to join the first and lowered them slightly, staring into her face. I figured if words weren't going to do the trick, perhaps the action will. Her mouth opened a little and I could tell she was going to say something, so I took that opportunity and lowered my mouth over hers, taking it gently into a kiss. She stiffened at first and I knew I had shocked her, but she loosened little by little and relaxed into it. It was fabulous, even better than I had ever imagined, which was quite a few times. I hoped the message was getting across, but in case it hadn't really registered, I moved my arms around her, pulling her closer. The transmission was obviously received. Her arms came around my neck, one hand burying itself at the back of my head, and I knew it was good. It felt absolutely wonderful having her in my arms for the reason I wanted her there, no deaths, no abductions, just love. It even sounded cheesy to my ears, but I loved the sound of it. When we relaxed ultimately, all barriers breaking down, the rain started pounding itself against the tarmac. We didn't seem to notice, however, well, we *did* notice, we just didn't care. I pulled away from her extremely reluctantly, but for the sake of oxygen deprivation and looked at her. I swallowed and released her, letting her slide down my body. She stared straight ahead and took in a ragged breath and expelled it. "You okay?" I asked her softly. I reached out instinctively and she came closer, pressing herself against my wet clothing. I felt her nod. "Yeah, fine." She pulled back and looked up at me. "Just a little overwhelmed." "Glad to be of service." I bowed slightly, faint smile on my face. I think it was the smile that spread across her face that solidified the words for me. There was a comfortable silence before I looked at her to see the smile was gone. "We need to talk," she said and I nodded. It was important. If we were to go through with this, we'd need a plan of action to keep it away from peering eyes. "Coffee?" I suggested. It was her turn to nod. "Your place, or mine?" I smiled. I had always wanted to say that. She smiled. "Mine's closer." I reached around her shoulders and pulled her to me; her arm snaking its way around my waist. I knew it was going to be a long night, but it didn't seem to matter anymore. Not as long as she was there. I hugged her tightly. "Close is good." ============ THE END January 6, 1997 ============ "I know what I want to say to you my love But when I try to speak the words slip away Without you by my side I don't want to face the world It's much too cold for me without your warm embrace." --The Northern Pikes "Kiss Me You Fool" "A chance, possibly, for sure, maybe, on Monday." --David Danter "I took a dagger in the stomach - it should be okay, as long as it gets a chance to clot." --Dana Scully in "Come My Love I'll Tell You a Tale" by Grace Millar Top Ten things men want from women -- Dennis Miller 10. Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone enduced fog, and lead us into the light... Woolford Gem No. 3 (things my Math teacher ACTUALLY said in class) "I object to non-attention people." There's too much blood in my caffeine system Death to Roborat!! >:-)