From: "Lisa Jaynes" Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999 14:52:02 PDT Subject: MSR Source: direct By: Scullystar Please send to other archives as long as my name reamains intact. To The Reader: I realize that this story seems to be a bit out of date...I appologize...apparently I didn't send it in correctly and it has been lost up until now. I hope you enjoy it and I hope I get feedback! Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. Chris Carter does. So sue me. What are you going to get out of THAT? Rated:PG Spoilers: The End Author's Note: I was bored one Monday....this is what happens when I'm bored on a Monday at 4:05 in the afternoon....and listening to Sarah McLachlan..... Lost xxxxxx I can't even begin to imagine how we got to this point. It all seems like this bad dream that the both of us are going to wake up from, but as much as I wish it were just a dream, I know that, not only is it the worst nightmare I've ever had, it's real. As I watch my partner look around the remains of our basement office, I can't help imagine what my life would have been like if I haden't defied my parents and gone into the FBI. I know that I wouldn't have ever have had to endure the pain I've been through these past 5 years. I wouldn't have had to worry about dying from cancer. I wouldn't have had to watch my only daughter die in a hospital room at the age of three. My sister would still be alive if I'd gone on to become a doctor like my family had expected of me. But with all this knowledge of what my life could have been like, I can't ever imagine what my life would be like without Fox Mulder.He's as much a part of me now as the blood rushing through my veins. He always will be. So I stand before him now watching him stand as still as a statue, and take a step toward him. I can't even begin to try to comfort him now with words, so silently, I put my arms around him, holding back tears. What must be going through his head now. What he must be feeling. He doesn't make any attempt to return the embrase, but I keep holding onto his arms anyway. I rest my head on his chest and we stand there in what was once his pride. What was once our work and his crusade. I barley notice Skinner as he makes his way through the burnt debris of our office, and I hardley hear him as he tells us both to go home. That there is nothing we can do here right now, and to get some rest tonight. Neither of us will be asleep tonight. Not after what has happened here. And I think by the way he looks at me that our superior knows this, but is trying to be comforting in some way. I step back from Mulder, and take his hand in mine. With Skinner watching. With the remaining firemen stepping around us, I pull him out of the office, and surprisingly he puts up no fight. It isn't until we actually reach my car in the parking lot that he speaks. He still holds my hand and I find myself being pulled into his arms. " They've won this time, Scully." I honestly can say that I never would have thought I would hear those words from his lips. I am shocked. Shocked that he would say that, and shocked that he would accept defeat so easily. His arms are still around me as I look up at him. My eyes fill with tears again, and in his eyes I can see that he is sharing my sorrow. His hand moves up to touch my face and I try to force a smile of reasurance, but it is lost and I just hold him again. It took us a half-hour to get back to my appartment. I led him into the darkened livingroom and he looked at me in the light from the window. I knew what was coming. We stared at eachother for a few minutes before he made a move. He closed the distance between us without a word and capture my lips with his for a deep kiss. If this was the solace he needed tonight, then I would happily supply it. Leading him to my bedroom, I wondered what would happen between us in the morning when he woke up and realized what we'd done, but quickly stopped. We needed this tonight as we had so many other times in the past. But this time it was for real. This time there was nothing stopping us. There were no X-Files anymore. They were gone. Now we didn't have to hide the feelings from eachother. We would be reasigned. No more X-Files. No more Mulder and Scully. Mr. and Mrs. Spooky. Never again. So we lost ourselves in eachother in my bed for god-knows how long, said our I Love You's, and stayed in eachothers arms the whole night. I woke up the next morning to find him asleep next to me with one arm thrown protectivly over my stomach. I woke him with a gentle kiss to the forehead and he surprised me by gathering me close and kissing me deeply good-morning. We didn't speak a word of the night before. It seemed clear that he wasn't upset about it, and I wasn't upset about it, and we would continue with this new aspect of our relationship full force. We got dressed and made our way to my car. Neither of us had to be in today, but, clothed in jeans and t-shirts, we made our way back to our office in silence To pick up what we could of what remained of the X-Files. As we made our way to the elevator, the other agents in the hallways watched us pass by with solemn expressions, their silence in some way expressing their regrets to us, but to me it was like a sea of shallow faces. They don't know how to feel. They don't know what is lost. I wish they would all go away. I want Mulder and I to be alone today as we pick up the memories in our basement office. Mulder is silent as we enter the blackend room. I am still reeling. I still can believe that this is what has become of everything we've worked so hard for. I stand next to Mulder for a long time as we survey the damage. There is nothing salvable here. Nothing that we can take home with us to remember these times together. Nothing but the " I Want To Believe" poster hanging in almost perfect condition in back of Mulder's desk. It's edges are chared, and burnt, but it's message still reads clear, and true. I watch Mulder as he makes his way over burnt deris to the space behind his desk. He looks at me for a minute somehow trying to get my approval before removing the poster form the wall. I nod to him and he takes it down carefully. He looks at me again, and tears are in both of our eyes. I go to him now. I go to him and hold him as I did last night here in the office, and he holds me back, the poster dropping to the floor by our feet. I hear his crying, feel him sobbing against me, and finally let myself go as well. " There's nothing left to fight for anymore, Scully. They've won this time. There's no reason for our cause." I look up at him now and brush the tears away from his face. " Don't say that, Mulder. It's not over at all. We still have so much." Mulder pulls me close and holds me against his chest. " You haven't given up, Scully?" " Never. Not after all we've been through. How can I now? How can you? After everything? This is just going to make us stronger, Mulder. They can't break us apart now. They can't end it like this. And we can't let them. It's what they want." Not caring who saw, he leans in and kisses me deeply. I hold him here in our destroyed office, the memories flooding my mind of all that happened here in these past five years, and kiss him back. Even after everything that has gone on in the past few days, we remain strong. We clean up around the file cabinets, and hs desk. trying to find some piece of what was lost. Every few minutes we would look at eachother and smlie. We know now that nothing is going to stop us. Not even if they destroy the X-Files. We won't be stopped. We gather what we can from the floor and the charred remained around his desk, and take one last look around the office. I feel him take my hand in his as we make our way out of the office. He stops and goes back in. He has forgotten something. He returns with a photograph of the two of us taken on a case...I don' t remember it being taken, but it has been tacked to Mulder's memo board next to the poster for a few weeks now. He holds it gingerly in his hands as he looks at it. He smiles at me for a minute and we walk out of the building hand in hand. I won't be seeing that office again for a very long time, we both know, but at this point, I don't give it another thought. That smoking bastasrd must have done this to hide something, and discourage us, but he won't win. We won't let him. We'll fight them all until they've lost. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx By the shadows of the night I go I move away from the crowded room That sea of shallow faces masked in warm regret They don't know how to feel, they don't know what is lost Lost in the darkness of a land Where all the hope that's offered is Memories of being taken by the hand And we are led into the sun But I don't have a hold on what is real Though we can only try What is there to give or to believe I want it all to go away I want to be alone Sympathy's wasted on my hollow shell I feel there's nothing left to fight for No reason for a cause And I can't hear your voice and I can't feel you near Lost in the darknes of a land Where all the hope that' offered is Memories of being taken by the hand And we are led into the sun But I don' have a hold on what is real Though we can only try What is there to give or to believe I wanted a change knowing all I could do is try I was looking for someone......... -Lost Sarah McLachlan-