From: DAMACIA JOHNSON Date: Thu, 02 Mar 2000 14:58:41 -0500 Subject: xfc: Lost Innocence and Pure Evil By Mulderslady Source: xfc Lost Innocence and Pure Evil by Mulderslady Part of the What if stories universe DISCLAIMER: They don't belong to me, wish they did. Only Lara, Tom, and Gini do. RATING: Pg-13 to R, I'm horrible with ratings CLASSIFICATION: S, A, Mental MT, Budding MSR, Pre-XF Flashbacks, past M/O KEYWORDS: Budding MSR, Mulder angst Mental MT, Pre-XF Flashbacks, Past M/O SPOILERS: Red Shoe Diaries, first part of season six URL: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Capsule/5160/whatif.html FEEDBACK: Please!!! at damacia@home.com ARCHIVE: Oh yeah, anywhere!! SUMMARY: What if the only reason Mulder hasn't pursued a relationship with Scully, was because of a tragic relationship in his past? Part of the What if Universe, a group of stories that ask the ever intriguing question, What if . . . Special Thanks must go to Zalman King. The imagery in the Red Shoe Diaries inspired this story and Mulder's bathroom in all my recent Alternative reality fics. It's a must see event! :) ********************************%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "That's the thing about light. If you look at anything hard enough, long enough in the harsh light of day, you will eventually see its flaws. That's why everything I make, I design with lots of shadows. Shadows make things beautiful, special. Your shadows make you beautiful . . ." Jake from the Red Shoe Diaries ********************************%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "Fox?" Mulder bolted awake "Lara?" "Mulder, wake up it's time to go. Who's Lara?" Scully asked amused "Huh?" "You fell asleep. I don't blame you scut work can do that to you." "Oh sorry Scully." "Well at least you didn't drool." Mulder chuckled and closed his briefcase. 1 a.m. "I love the way you look." Her bright smile as she danced around him. "I love the way you smell." "Do you know how lucky you are to enjoy your work as much as you do?" "I love the way you taste." "Let's go away tomorrow Fox." "I can't baby, I have a meeting." "I love the way you smile." "Marry me Lara." "I love the way you scratch me." "You don't know everything about me Fox." "I love the way you moan." "Shadows make things beautiful, special. Your shadows make you beautiful Lara." "I love the way you come." "I don't care what your mother says it doesn't change the way I feel about you!" "This isn't about my mother!" "I love it, I love it, I love you." "Lara? Oh god Lara?! Why?" Her wet cold body in his arms as he slowly lifted her out of the tub and laid her on the cool bathroom floor. He wrapped himself around her and cried. "As gentle as a jackhammer." Mulder bolted awake, sweat pouring off of him. He quickly dialed Scully's cell phone number. "Scully. What do you want Mulder?" "How did you know it was me?" "You're the only one who would dare to call me at this ungodly hour. What happened?" "I love you Scully. I love everything about you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." "Um Mulder, it's 2 in the morning, are you okay?" "Yes fine. I love you. I've loved you for a long time." "Are you drunk?" "No, just seeing things clearly." "Did you have a nightmare?" "Yes, Scully? Can you come over? I need to tell you something." "You haven't said it all yet?" Scully teased "No, I need to tell you a secret, my only secret Scully. I need . . . I don't want there to be any secrets between us anymore. I want you to know everything about me. I want to know everything about you." "Ok Mulder, I'll be there in 45 minutes." Scully came into Mulder's apartment slowly. It was unnaturally dark and still. "Mulder?" "Over here." She looked and saw him on his couch. His fish tank illuminating him, as he turned on a lamp. He was only dressed in his pajama bottoms, the ends of his hair still wet with sweat. "Hey, that must have been an intense nightmare." Scully said sitting on the couch next to him "No, it just brought back painful memories. Scully . . . I meant what I said on the phone." "I know Mulder. You know I feel the same way. What do you need to tell me?" Mulder placed a photo album and a small red diary in her lap. He placed his arms around her and cuddled her close as he opened up the photo album. "Wow, you look so different." Scully said, gazing at the picture of her partner. His hair was longer in front, neatly tapered in back; his smile was easy and carefree. "So young?" "No, so innocent. How old were you?" "26, this was the year that made me the way I am today." "I thought Sam . . ." "No, that started my quest for the X-files. This was the year I learned about love, betrayal, lost innocence and pure evil." Scully leaned into his warm closeness and looked up at him. His mystical eyes were clouded with worry, and pain. What ever it was deeply scarred this man before her; shaped him, what was it? He flipped the page and a 5x7 of a beautiful woman stared back at her. Medium length wavy brown hair, soft green eyes, a bright face and smile. "This is Lara. She was my fiance." "Was?" "She . . . she killed herself." Mulder choked on the words. Scully gasped silently as Mulder turned through the photo album. A picture of him and Lara together, he was holding her close, his eyes closed as he nuzzled her hair gently. He turned to a picture of Lara in a gorgeous free standing tub, the light coming through brightly colored stain glass, bathing her with color. "Where was this taken Mulder?" "Our apartment." "Wow! It's beautiful" "I moved after her death. I really thought she was happy. She was happy, then . . . here." Mulder closed the photo album and opened the red diary in her lap. On the first page there was a picture of Mulder and Lara. They were on the beach, smiling and laughing, his arms around her loosely. "I found it after her funeral, when I was cleaning out her stuff to take to her mother. It told me everything I needed to know." "I . . ." Scully started. "I want you to read it." "You read it to me Mulder." Mulder nodded and turned to the first page "June 7th, too happy, too excited, left work early and danced, danced, danced . . ." ** Lara danced around her apartment wildly. She had never felt this good in her life, the biggest contract ever, all hers! A move like that she was a shoe in to make full partner. Mulder came in and watched her flitting around the apartment. Must have had a good day, he thought as he put down his briefcase and walked up to her with open arms. She stopped dancing and ran to him, hugging him tightly as he swung her around in his arms. ** "Six months and he's already become more necessary than food. He's my prince charming, he knows everything about me, even my secret affair with my teacher in college. My life is an open book to him. I want some of my mystery back" Mulder stopped reading, chewing his bottom lip slightly, holding back the tears he felt brimming in his eyes. "Mulder?" Scully asked concerned "I'm fine, I need to tell you, it just hurts." Mulder turned the page and continued reading "Another 14 hour day. We are both equally dedicated to our work. The only difference I decorate the interiors of buildings and Fox, Fox catches criminals with his mind. I watch him now, hunched over his desk, his hands running through his hair as he wrote furiously. He removes his glasses and looks over his notes again, nodding triumphant." ** "Do you know how lucky you are to enjoy your work as much as you do, and to be as good as you are, and to be rewarded for it? I envy that Fox, I really do." Mulder smiled and turned towards her, holding her face in his hands gently "Come here." He said softly as Lara sat in his lap and cuddled into his chest. "I love the way you look." She blushed and looked up into his loving eyes. "I love the way you smell. " He nuzzled his nose into her hair, taking a deep breath of her vanilla scented shampoo. "I love the way you taste." He touched the tip of his tongue on her cheek, making her giggle. "I love the way you feel." His hands caressed her arms and side, making her look back into his eyes. She smiled and sighed softly "I love the way you smile. I love the way you scratch me." She blushed and giggled again "I love the way you moan, I love the way you come." She kissed him gently on his full lips; he pulled away from the embrace "I love it, I love it." "Fox . . ." "I love you." He said capturing her mouth with his, his tongue tasting her. She pulled away, rising for his lap and dancing playfully towards the bedroom. Mulder followed quickly, closing the bedroom door behind him. ** "He was always so gentle with me, like I would break, but I need something more, I need some adventure. I don't know why, what I have with Fox is great, but I need a secret just for me." Mulder stopped, trying to gain his composure so he could continue. Scully smiled up at him and kissed him gently on the lips "You ok?" She asked, her voice concerned and soothing "Yeah, I'm ok." He answered back quietly, then starting to read again "August 4th, I had to get glasses today. Of all the nerve! Fox just smiled at me when I told him and put his on. 'We'll be twins.' He said. He's so strange and sweet, so unaware of my need for secrets. I went to Lenscrafters, that's where Fox gets his glasses. That's where I saw him. He seemed strange for the store. He seemed more the construction worker type. Shaggy hair, a definite muscular torso, beautiful green eyes, boyish good looks and he knew it. His confidence oozed from him as he came up to me. When I asked him, he told me this was a part time job on days he wasn't able to do his construction work. Score one for Lara the profiler, Fox would have been so proud. Tom, I think that was his name, openly flirted with me, touching my face and leg as he fitted frame after frame on my face. He caressed my hair and told me I was beautiful. Though Fox told me and showed me how much he adored me every day, it was just something about the way this man said it. The attraction was instantaneous; he was perfect. The perfect boy, the perfect ploy, the perfect secret. So different from Fox that the two would never cross paths or be confused. He sensed my decision, and handed me a piece of paper as I left. "That's my address. 8p.m. don't be late." He said, his eyes boring a hole into my soul. I smiled as I took the paper from his hand." "So she cheated on you then?" Scully asked slightly confused "No, Not then." He said starting to read again "When ever I get up the nerve to do something I always run the other way. Maybe it was a good thing though, Fox was in a playfully mood when he got home that night. ** "I think you spend you whole life in here." Mulder said as he kneeled next to the high-backed tub. "Maybe." She said, cracking her eyes open and smiling at him. His hand teased her thigh as it disappeared under the water, teasing her folds carefully. "You're so mysterious. You're like one for those Victorian mystery boxes. You open one, there's another." He dipped a finger deeper into her and she hissed slightly and smiled. Some one's playful tonight, she thought as she waited in anticipation of what was going to happen next. "You open that one and there's another." He said, his another finger entering her and brushing her clit, she bucked slightly "You open that one and there's another." Another finger joined the other two, slowly driving her crazy with desire. She sighed and leaned towards him, resting her head on the edge of the tub. "Fox?" "Yeah baby, what?" "Let's get away tomorrow. Drive down to the pier, stay in a cheap motel all day." He smiled "I can't, Reg and I have 3 meetings tomorrow, I can't reschedule." "Please." "I can't." "Please." Lara begged, her voice husky. "I wish I could, but I can't baby, I can't." He said, kissing her gently on the lips and pulling away from her with a sigh. "Come on, let me dry you off." She got out of the tub and leaned into his awaiting arms. He dried her slowly, teasing her damp body with the soft towel and his mouth. He dropped the towel, letting his lips and fingers, learn and seduce her. She claimed his lips hungrily and eased him, fully clothed into the tub. He chuckled softly, giving her a quizzical look as she climbed over top of him in the confined space. She kissed, nipped and licked him into passionate frenzy, kissing him in his favorite place under his chin, listening to him whimper softly. She loved that sound, a sound only she could hear, and only she could make him utter. He slipped out of his soaked shirt as she undid his pants. She eased them off, freeing his captive erection as she threw his soggy pants and boxers out of the tub. She captured his lips again, kissing him hard, leaving him breathless when she pulled away. She hovered over his straining erection, smiling down at him. His face flushed, his eyes closed tightly from longing, as she sheathed his length in her warmth and made love to him slowly, carefully bringing them both to a release. ** Scully blushed wildly. She needed more than him? Why? She thought as she turned to Mulder. He smiled at her flushed face "Maybe we could try that." He said, hugging her tighter to him and kissing her temple lightly. She looked from his loving, aroused glance and looked down, seeing the bulge in his lap and blushing more. "Maybe after you finish telling me everything." Mulder smiled and continued reading "He held me all night and we talked about everything. That night just increased my need for a secret. I put on my glasses the next evening and looked at myself in the mirror. "Tell me not to go." I begged my reflection, but it didn't help as I headed to HIS house. He was waiting for me. Everything was different with him. He made love to me like he worked on the street, as gentle as a jackhammer." Mulder choked on the words "I don't understand, why did she need . . ." Scully asked, seeing the effect Lara's betrayal still had on him. "Later, later." "Take your time." Mulder nodded as he continued reading. "Once is a forgivable sin, twice is the point of no return. I should have known better than to see him again. I should have known better than to start it in the first place. He won't leave me alone. He calls me at work, calls me at home, and drops by the office. I don't know what to do. If I don't see him, he said he'd find me. Why when I have a good thing going, do I always have to check mate myself? It was after my 25th birthday party that it happened, the moment that should have been the happiest in my life. It only made me sadder, made me regret my stupid choice, my need for secrecy." ** "Come on baby one more." Fox said as Lara pulled back the bat and broke the piata. She heard the gift clunk to the ground and picked up the box. "Is it candy?" She teased as Fox took off her blind fold and she looked at the small box. "No, come over here, let's do this right." He said as he led her to the couch and kneeled down in front for her. She opened the box to find another box. She smiled and opened that one to find a velvet box. She opened it to reveal a marquis cut diamond. She looked deep into Fox's burning hazel eyes and knew immediately what was going to happen next. He took the ring out and put it on her finger, whispering "Marry me Lara." Lara let out a chuckle/groan/sob of joy and guilt. "Is that a yes?" "Oh Fox, oh you don't want to marry me, I'm so screwed up." He got off his knees and sat on the couch next to her, taking her into his arms. "God I can't even drive! I'm so screwed up, I can't even get a drivers license." She said tearing from his arms looking out the window. He came up behind her and kissed her neck gently, wrapping his arms around her again. He nuzzled her neck lovingly as he whispered into her ear "Shadows make things beautiful, special. Your shadows make you beautiful Lara, but I love you and I want you to marry me." ** "Shadows make things beautiful." Scully said with a smile. That's so true, she thought as she looked into Mulder's pain ridden hazel eyes, "Did she say yes?" "Yes, she did and we went to see her mom few days later. It was the day after that, that she killed herself. I'll always remember that after noon on the way back from her mothers, she jumped out of the car and ran off. I don't remember the argument and she didn't write it down, but she wrote down what happened after she ran off." He said starting to read again. ** "I don't care what you mother says it will never change the way I feel about you!" Mulder shouted as Lara ran off into the rolling field. "This isn't about my mother!" Lara screamed back. Mulder ran after her, putting on a burst of speed and tackling her gently. She smacked at him with her hands and he grabbed them, shaking her gently trying to make her look at him "Look at me! What are you afraid of?!" She leaned up to kiss him and he shook her firmly "This isn't going away! What are you afraid of?!" "Love. I'm afraid of being loved." ** "That poor girl, she was dealing with some serious issues." "More serious than I ever thought. Even worse the guy she was involved with on the side was pure evil." Mulder started to read again "I set up an appointment to met with Tom, to break it off, but we ended up making love. He told me he would never leave me alone. I'm made a mess of my life, I've ruined it forever with Fox, myself, my mother. Tom is not what I want, but I can't get rid of him. I've let my Fox down; I haven't loved him the way I should. I don't deserve his love, even if he doesn't believe me. There is only one thing for me to do. I need to remove myself from this world for pain and set them free. I need to set my Fox free of the chorus of my failures and my guilt. He's so sensitive and I'm sorry if it hurts him, but I hope he finds someone who can love him like he deserves." Tears flowed from both Mulder and Scully's eyes as he closed the red diary. "She killed herself for the wrong reasons. Oh Mulder, I'm so sorry." "I found her." He said in a detached manner. "What?" "I found her dead that night. I walked into the bathroom when I saw the light on. I thought she was in the tub like she always was. She was, but the water was blood red. I quickly pulled her from the tub, held her in my arms. She was so cold, I knew she was dead as I looked over her body, seeing the long deep slash marks running up her arms. I cried, I've never cried that hard in my life. I didn't understand, I thought it was my fault. I laid her on the ground and I laid next to her, held her one last time. Secretly wishing that I'd die too so I wouldn't have to live without her. She had taken off my engagement ring and wrote me a note that simply said "I'm sorry, I loved you." You remember Reggie Perdue? He was my partner back then and he found me the next morning still holding onto her, tears still coming out of my eyes as I slept. I was a mess, it took him two hours to get me to let her go. I screamed, I cried, I fought him then I just stopped. I sat on the couch and I didn't move; I kind of slipped into a catatonic state. Reggie and his wife Gini came over, cleaned up the bathroom, made arrangements with her mom for the funeral. Her mom even came over one night and just held me crying. I guess she just needed someone to listen. On the day of her funeral, Reg came by early just in case I still hadn't moved and he needed to get me moving." ** Reggie looked into his vacant eyes and fought the tears welling in his own. He never thought he'd see the day that something broke Mulder. Nothing phased Mulder, he envied his ability to distance himself. After some of the horrors he'd seen, he wouldn't have been able to make it without Gini. Mulder, he did it all on his own, he was invincible. But now, now it only took this to break him, a woman. The woman he loved killing herself. "Killing herself and me finding her dead Reggie. I found her, I held her and she was dead." He said softly as if answering Reggie's thoughts. "Yeah I know Mulder. I know." "When's the funeral?" "Today, today is Friday. She died on Tuesday." "Oh . . . I need to shower and change. I have to look nice for her." "Yeah that's a good idea." "I have to stop and get her flowers too." "Um Mulder? She . . ." "She can't go without her favorite flowers. I have to get her flowers." "Ok we'll stop and get her flowers." Mulder smiled at Reggie and nodded, getting off the couch of the first time in three days. Funeral Everyone whispered as Mulder came through the crowd and stood by her mother. It was outside, like she would have wanted. The casket was open and Mulder looked at her as the priest gave his sermon. He smiled "She was so beautiful." he said quietly "Yes she was, it's a shame." Her mom responded. "I got her flowers, and I brought her ring. She can't go without them." He said walking up to the casket. He petted her hair gently, slowly running his fingers over her face. The priest stopped, everyone's eyes focused on Mulder "What's he doing?" Gini asked Reggie concerned, "Is he okay?" "He's fine, he's saying goodbye." "I loved you too, I'll always love you. You forgot this." Mulder said to her, gently lifting her cold hand and placing his engagement ring back on her finger. "You forgot that." He said, tears choking his voice as he placed a red, a white, and a peach colored roses on her chest and placed her hand over them. He leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips. "I miss you." He said, smoothing her hair and stepping away, his head bowed slightly as the tears fell down his face. Reggie placed a comforting hand on his shoulder as the casket was lowered. Patterson came up to Mulder and patted his shoulder. "I'm sorry Agent Mulder. Lara was a very special woman, if you need sometime . . ." "Yes sir, I need some time." "I'll request it for you. You come back when you're ready." ** "Patterson willingly gave you time off?" Scully asked incredulously "Yeah I was kind of shocked too, but Patterson always liked me. I think he was grooming me to take his place. I . . . after Lara was gone . . . I found her . . . I found her diary and I found out about what happened. I was crushed. I've never been so broken in my life. I voided the bathroom like the plague, it reminded me of her, and it made me wonder what I could have done to prevent her death. You know what was really spooky?" "Something that spooked spooky?" Mulder laughed "Yeah you know that song by Duran Duran what was it called . . .Ordinary World? It would play when ever I turned on the radio. It was like it was written for my situation." Scully pulled from his arms for the first time in hours as she went over to his stereo and looked though his CDs. Classic rock, the Cranberries?, ok I have to ask him about that one later, Oasis, The Doors, I just knew that would be there, there it is Duran Duran. "What you didn't like the Rio album?" "What?" Mulder said, smiling at her. "You know the one that had Hungry like the Wolf on it. Man, I love Duran Duran. Always have." She said putting the CD in and pressing play. "Tell me more. You told me about lost innocence, now pure evil." Scully said snuggling back into him again. Mulder pulled out the photo album again "This was me 3 weeks later." "Oh my god, you look so different." Scully gasped in horror. He had lost too much weight, dark circles under his eyes, he looked pale, lost. "Yeah I'd lost about 30 lbs. I couldn't sleep. It's around that time that I started sleeping with the TV on. It was also when I got a call that changed my life and introduced me to pure evil." ** "Mulder." "Mulder? Hello. My name is Tom, she's dead, isn't she? She killed herself, didn't she?" "Yes she did. Who are you and what do you want?" Mulder asked sharply "They all do. They always get in too deep and the only way to get out is to kill themselves. I love having that kind of power over people, over life and death." "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "Just letting you know that I know. It hurts, doesn't it? It hurt you when you find out about her and me." "No." "No?" "No, it hurt me when I found her dead because of what you did to her, and I will not rest till you are brought to justice!" Mulder slammed down the phone and grabbed his jacket, leaving quickly. "Mulder hey, I didn't expect to see you for another week or so." Reggie said looking at Mulder "You look horrible man, you okay?" "No, I need some information." "Sure anything, what you need?" "Info on a Tom White and some other suicides." ** "I don't understand, you investigated him?" "Yes, and what I found horrified me. At least 50 women, all suicides, all having been associated intimately with Tom. He got off on it. It infuriated me that he got off on women killing themselves over him, because of him and I . . ." "What Mulder? What did you do?" "I . .. Reggie and I went to talk with him and I avenged her." ** "Mulder, are you sure about this?" "Yes." "Look, without just cause we can't arrest him." "We have just cause, he's an accessory to murder." "Suicide is not murder." "Yes it is. She murdered herself." "You making this personal. Look, Lara wasn't happy . . ." "Lara WAS happy! She was happy before she met this guy. Reggie, you don't know the whole story. Please, just whatever happens, promise me you won't tell anyone." "Not even Gini?" "Only if she promises not to tell anyone." "Why? What are you going to do? Mulder?" Mulder stayed silent as he kicked in Tom's door. "FBI freeze." "Fox Mulder, about time you came around. Who's he? Your new lover?" "Oh he's dead now." Reggie said cocking his gun, itching to pull the trigger. "He's my partner. This is between you and me." "Yes it is. What you going to do shoot me?" Tom said comically when he saw that Mulder hadn't lowered his gun. "Yes I am." Mulder said coolly, taking off the safety, "But first tell me why?" "Why what?" "Why her? Of all the women in the world, why did you have to take my Lara from me?" Mulder said, tears choking his voice. "Because I could. Plus dang it, she was a dish! I couldn't pass up the challenge. She was one of the few that didn't jump at me right away. I needed more charm, more persuasion for her. But she came, they always do, then I don't let them go till they kill themselves." Reggie gasped at the revelation "Your one sick bastard!" Reggie said "I enjoy the power. It's fun to see the power I have over people's lives. Life and death. How'd you feel when you found her dead? You want to know how it feels to know she's dead because of me? I feel powerful I feel like there is nothing I can't do and there's noting you can do about it. I didn't kill her; she killed her self. You can never pin this on me, Foxy boy. If you were man enough to satisfy your woman in the first place, I wouldn't have been able to take her, make love to her, mess her head up, exert my power over her. You're just as much to blame as I am. So go ahead, pull the trigger, but there will be no one left to blame but your self." Tom said smugly "Then I guess I'll have to live with the guilt, won't I?" Mulder said, pulling the trigger quickly, killing him instantly. Reggie gasped "Mulder!" "Oh god, Reg . . . please . . . please don't . . . please don't tell anyone." Mulder said tears coming down his face. "Come on lets get outta here." Reggie said, pulling him out of the house and into the car. Reggie picked up his cell phone "Hey, yeah a shooting. I don't know we came to interview the guy about some suicides and found him dead. Who knows, probably gang related, you should see the area. Thanks Danny. Mulder? He's okay. He's taking some more time though, he's not ready to come back yet. Thanks bye." Reggie hung up and looked at Mulder, who smiled at him weakly. "You owe me big time Mulder." Reggie said sternly "Thanks." "Bur first, you owe me an explanation." ** "So you explained?" Scully asked softly, shaken by the confession of murder she just heard. "Yeah, he understood. He said he would have done the same thing. I wasn't the same after that. I went back to work 2 weeks later, but something was missing. I had lost my innocence; I had seen a horror that should never have been witnessed by anyone. Pure evil. It was soon after that I found the X-files and I left VCS/BSU and the painful memories behind. I only saw them in my nightmares." "Your apartment, when did you move?" "I moved after I killed Tom. I couldn't stand to be there anymore, too many ghosts." "Well hopefully you only have good memories from now on. I'm going home, I'll see you later this afternoon," She said looking at her watch and checking the time, 7 a.m., "Then we can talk about us ok?" Mulder nodded and pulled her into a sweet chaste kiss, full of promises. "Try and get some sleep. Sweet dreams my beautiful Fox." Scully said as she walked out of the door. Mulder stopped the CD in the stereo and was about to pull it out when he pushed play again. He stretched out across the couch and looked at his picture of Lara again. He brushed his fingers across the picture longingly and sighed. "I loved you, I loved you so much." He whispered as he shut the photo album and smiled as his song came on. Closing his eyes, he let the words wash away the demons of the past. Came in from the rainy Thursday on the avenue, thought I heard you talking softly. I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio, still I can't escape the ghost of you. What is happening to it all? Crazy some say Where is the life that I recognize? Gone away. But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world, somehow I have to find. And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world, I will learn to survive. Passion or coincidence once prompted me to say. Pride will tear us both apart Well now prides gone out the window cross the rooftops, runaway. Left me in the vacuum of my heart What is happening to it all? Crazy some say Where is the life that I recognize? Gone away. But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world, somehow I have to find. And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world, I will learn to survive. Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed, feared today, forgot tomorrow Here beside the news of holy war and holy need, ours is just a little sorrowed talk, blown away. Just blowing away But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world, somehow I have to find. And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world, I will learn to survive. Any world is my world, Every world is my world