From: spooky42@juno.com Cc: Live2Watch@aol.com Subject: *REPSOST/RE-EDIT* "Lovecalls VI: Menage-a-what?" Date: Thu, 18 Sep 1997 16:16:49 EDT =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= "Lovecalls VI: Menagé-a-what?" written by GreenFish post date: 14th September 1997 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey, all! Sorry I've taken so long (once again), but school is once again running its course, and as I discover to much dismay that balancing my real life, and what I actually like to do doesn't work quite the way I like, my fanfic and what-not is getting further and further pushed back. Apologies. Anyway, this is to all the people who sent me feedback recently! I'll get back to you about it... but I *so* appreciate your support! Thank you so much-- all of you! Please! Keep letting me know how I'm doing! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= DISCLAIM: Mulder and Scully aren't mine... I give myself up to Chris Carter and company, and also due credit also goes to the people at "Loveline." If you haven't heard and/or watched that show yet, give it a try. It'll gross you out as much as make you laugh for head off. I hope I'm doing the same for all of you. This one's for my sister. You =know= who you are. DISTRIBUTE: Anywhere (keep my name and e-mail with it) RATING: PG-13 CONTENT/SPOILER: This involves a little mature content and language-- nothing too horrible, but be advised. No spoilers. ARCHIVE: C; H SUMMARY: Dr. Dana and Mulder discover that love problems sometimes come in multiples... causing *multiple* complications... X-Files/Loveline crossover. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= PLEASE NOTE: All the names used in here I've picked off the top of my head. Any similarities to *anyone* are purely *concidental.* All situations/problems (that are "true") are used with permission, and are not meant to flame, or hurt anyone. Thanks. And on with the show... "Lovecalls VI: Menagé-a-what?" (part 1/1) MULDER: Hey, Dr. Dana... it's that 'Da, da, da' song. DANA: What? MULDER: You know, from that Volkswagen commercial? Where the guys are just driving around and doing nothing? DANA: Kind of like our last case... MULDER: Hey. DANA: I bet you don't know what they're saying in that one part. MULDER: What part? The part where they're not going 'da, da, da'...? DANA: Yeah. MULDER: All right, I bite. What are they saying? DANA: 'Ich leibe dich, du leibst mich nicht.' MULDER: *Pardon?* DANA: 'I love you, you don't love me.' It's German, Mulder. MULDER: Oh, of course... I forgot about your multi-lingual talents, Frau Scully... DANA: I just took German in college... jeez... MULDER: Are we going to finish the theme song? DANA: You were the one who interrupted it, Mulder. MULDER: No, I-- oh, yeah. Never mind... DANA: Are you ready yet? MULDER: Ready what? DANA: To start the show? MULDER: Oh... yeah, I suppose. DANA: Well? MULDER: Well, what? DANA: Are you doing the introduction, or am I? You always complain that always interrupt you when you do it. MULDER: Fine, you do it. DANA: I didn't say-- MULDER: Do the stupid introduction, Scully! My God-- we've just wasted an entire conversation on nothing! DANA: Touché... anyway, I'm Dr. Dana, this is my crabby partner, Fox Mulder... MULDER: Shut up, Scully. DANA: I rest my case. Anyway, you're listening to another episode of Lovecalls, the show where you call in with your love, sex, or other problems, and we'll do our best to help you solve them. Today's theme is 'multiples.' We've had people call in from time to time and ask us about having sex with more than one person at a time. Just for you, we're devoting an entire show to that. MULDER: Yea. DANA: Mulder, for God's sakes, would you lighten up? MULDER: Why? Just because these people get more sex in one night than I've had in the last six months... I should be happy? DANA: Is this what your big funk is about? MULDER: Funk? Where the hell did you pull =that= word from? DANA: I think you're really depressed about the fact that you haven't had sex for a while... MULDER: And what's =your= prize tonight, professor? DANA: Mulder... you know... you've really got to, lighten up. MULDER: Dr. *Dana!* DANA: Just helping relieve some tension. Meanwhile, let's take our first phone call-- Jane, 25, you're on Lovecalls. JANE: Hello? DANA: Yeah... Jane, tell us about your problem. JANE: Yeah, um... okay. I agreed to have a threesome with my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. MULDER: Oh boy... DANA: Shut up, Mulder. What happened, Jane? JANE: Well... it was fun... DANA: But--? JANE: I think I like her better. DANA: Your boyfriend's ex? JANE: Yeah. MULDER: Have you ever had feelings like that before? Towards another woman, I mean? JANE: No... that's why I'm wondering-- I mean, am I a lesbian now? Now that I liked the girl? I mean, I like, I don't know if I really like her like, a lot... but like, she did things when we were in bed together that my boyfriend couldn't do... MULDER: Like--? DANA: Mulder, I really don't think our listeners need to be divulged in that department. The point here is, Jane, you need to decide whether you really like her better than your boyfriend. There are enough complications here as it is-- not including the fact that you involved yourself in a threesome with your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. That in itself was setting you up for complications. But not only that, do you really feel committed to her, or was it the sexual experience? JANE: Like... uh... I don't know... she was really good, and I'm kind of feeling like I'm attracted to her now, but I don't really know... MULDER: Jane, you're at that age where you're going out with all kinds of people-- and you have to know that you're not going to know exactly what you want. But you do realize that you have to figure out something here. You can't have this both ways... it's like, trying to be friends, and be attracted to them at the same time... it just.. doesn't work... DANA: What? Why did you stop? MULDER: No reason. DANA: Are you going to finish your explanation? ... Mulder? MULDER: Ohhhh-- yeah... like I was saying, you can't go out with your boyfriend, and be attracted to his ex-girlfriend at the same time. You have to make the choice about what you're going to do. JANE: What should I do? DANA: Jane, we can't tell you that... that's something that you're going to have to figure out on your own. And it's not going to be easy, but only you can decide what you really want to do. If you keep involving yourself-- like in a threesome-- with both of them, you're not only going to complicate yourself, but their lives as well. Think about it, and then do what you feel you really want, okay, Jane? JANE: I guess so... DANA: You know so. Now go. MULDER: You know, Dr. Dana, you should really be a counselor. I can see you going, "And how does that make you feel?" DANA: Whatever you say, Mulder. You're the one with the degree in psychology. MULDER: Deviant psychology, Scully... I'm a profiler... "I'm a doctor, not a magician!" DANA: Next call, please... MULDER: Did you have a call cued up? VOICE: You didn't tell me to cue it up right now! MULDER: We should have given Paula a longer vacation... PAULA: Fox, do you really want me to force you to do what you don't want me to do? MULDER: What's that? PAULA: Do you really want to know? I've got a little treatment called 'Twelve Degrees...' MULDER: Uh... so, do we have a caller? All right, we have Dina, Carrie, Jim, and Andrew ... you're all on the air, and on Lovecalls... DINA, CARRIE, JIM, ANDREW: Hello... Hey... DANA: Since we want to do this right-- and without confusion, why don't I start with Dina, here? DINA: Yeah? DANA: Dina, why don't you tell us something about what's going on? DINA: All right... I was dating Andrew. And we went out one night on a double date with Carrie and Jim. And afterwards... it was a movie and dinner, we went back to my apartment-- MULDER: Wait, we didn't catch how old all of you are-- CARRIE: I'm 20, Dina's 19, Andrew and Jim are both 21. JIM: We're cousins. DANA: You and..? JIM: Andrew. I'm Jim. DANA: Okay... but Dina's speaking... let's have her continue. DINA: Okay, so we were out on this double-date, and then we came back to my apartment. DANA: Right. DINA: And the guys had gotten us some alcohol, so we all started drinking... and that's when it kind of, um... JIM: You came onto me, first, Dina! MULDER: Whoa, whoa, whoa... Jim, what the hell are you talking about? Let's hear what happened. JIM: All right, so we're all sitting around, and the girls are getting a little more drunk that we are, I guess, and then, uh... DINA: You jumped me, Jim. JIM: You didn't protest! DINA: Well, uh.. CARRIE: Wait a minute, wait a minute... that was totally unfair for you to blame Jim, I mean-- especially after Andrew came onto me. DANA: Andrew came onto who? ANDREW: Yeah, but he was also touching me as well. MULDER: Wait a minute, wait a minute... you guys are cousins! ANDREW, JIM: Yeah... DANA: Mulder, this isn't right... MULDER: Look, you guys really need some help here. But going beyond that-- what the hell is the problem here? We've been babbling on, and no one has explained the problem! DINA: He came onto me! JIM: She wanted it, and besides, Andrew was having fun as well! CARRIE: They were all drunk... and Andrew wanted me, anyway... ANDREW: But only after Jim did that, and then Dina got it on, I had to feel like I was doing something... hey, I wasn't drunk-- DINA: Don't deny it, Andrew... you were totally drunk... CARRIE: No kidding... you all were... JIM: Wait a minute; I resent that-- I knew exactly what I was doing... DANA: What the *hell* is going on here? JIM: Andrew came onto Carrie, even though he already had started on me... CARRIE: Wait-- but you were already fucking Dina-- MULDER: Excuse me-- language? Uh... FCC regulations... CARRIE: Whatever. Anyway, that's not the point, Jim... ANDREW: I just wanted to have fun, for God's sakes! MULDER: Look, *none* of you are-- DINA: You're all a bunch of assholes, anyway! MULDER: This is ridiculous. This is what I suggest. You all hang up. Take a deep breath. Think about what the hell you just did, and what you said. Pick up a phone. Call a group counselor... and schedule in a *long* block... because you're going to need it. JIM: What? A counselor--? CARRIE: He does have a point, you know... DANA: For once, I do agree with my insane partner. What you four all need to do is go in and seek some professional help. Getting involved all together like that was obviously a mistake in the first place, but you're not going to be able to get it straightened out unless you can have someone to go between you-- MULDER: With the goddamn patience... DANA: -- to be able to help you out and get this solved. Mulder and I are on all of your sides, but we just don't have the time to help you. You promise you'll go in and seek some help? CARRIE: Yeah. ANDREW: Well.. JIM: You want us to see a shrink? CARRIE: Oh, shut up, Jim! DANA: You guys? MULDER: Look, we'll be right back with our special guest star tonight... Shannon Tweed... DANA: Who did you get? MULDER: I couldn't find anyone else so last minute... especially after Madonna cancelled... PAULA: You guys-- you're still on the air! MULDER: Oh-- sorry... we'll be right back. DANA: All right, so we're back here with Shannon Tweed, stars of such movies as.. uhhh... Mulder, why don't you say-- you've got her entire collection, anyhow. MULDER: I do not! SHANNON: Thanks, uh... ... What did you say his name was again? DANA: Call him Fox. SHANNON: Foxxxx.... MULDER: Damn it, Scully-- stop telling people to call me that! Even if... DANA: Even if *what,* Foxxxxx...? MULDER: Shut up, Scully. SHANNON: Uh, I'm feeling a little neglected here... MULDER: Sorry, anyway-- back to my intro... she's been in such movies as 'Cold Sweat,' 'Hot Dog... the Movie,' 'Night Eyes 2... and 3'.... SHANNON: Have you seen any of them-- Fox? MULDER: ...errrgh... don't *call* me that... DANA: He's seen all of them. Trust me. He's probably got your entire collection. SHANNON: Really? MULDER: Uhhhh... Scully, how do you know that much? DANA: I know a lot more about you than you think, Mulder... why do you think I'm a doctor? SHANNON: So, have you two ever slept together? MULDER: What--? DANA: Sleep with *Mulder?* MULDER: No kidding. SHANNON: Have you ever thought about it? MULDER: Thought about it? DANA: Why would I be thinking about that? PAULA: Hey, Dana... what about that one time you came in and were telling me--? DANA: Shut up, Paula! MULDER: No, no, no... what about, Paula? PAULA: I don't know... DANA: Paula, do you want to live tomorrow? SHANNON: So you're telling me you two have never slept together? MULDER: No... DANA: God, no. SHANNON: Wanna break some rules? DANA: No thank you. MULDER: Seriously? DANA: Mul-der! You *can't* be serious...! MULDER: No, no... of course I wasn't... uhhh... let's take a call... Gena, 18, you're on Lovecalls... GENA: Hey, Dr. Dana... Mulder-- love the show. MULDER: Thanks. Okay, so what's your problem? GENA: Well, for my freshman year of college this year, for the first semester, I did a study abroad program-- over in Sweden. MULDER: Yeah. GENA: And while I was there, I met up with a bunch of nice people... and they introduced me to these parties. DANA: What kind of parties? GENA: They, uh... called them 'round tables.' Where the guys would line up and... DANA: Gena, did they do that to you? GENA: Yeah. DANA: What did it do to you? GENA: Nothing, luckily, but... I just... SHANNON: What, Gena? GENA: I found... I can't get off now, unless... unless there's more than one guy there. DANA: You can't reach orgasm unless you're with multiple partners? SHANNON: Men or women? GENA: Well, it doesn't really matter, but it comes more easily if I'm with men. DANA: Gena, you do realize this is a problem. You see, having sex with multiple partners is not only damaging to you emotionally, but you have a much higher risk of contracting diseases, and pregnancy... GENA: Yeah. DANA: Jesus, I've been saying this all night... but seriously, Gena. You have to talk to someone. And you have to go see a gynecologist to get that area checked out. Especially after something like ... GENA: Okay... thanks... DANA: Mulder, what the *hell* are you doing? You almost made me laugh out loud in front of that caller! She hung up now! MULDER: Shannon was just showing me, uh... SHANNON: Nothing he-- and I'm sure you-- haven't seen before. DANA: You'd be surprised about Mulder. MULDER: Hey! SHANNON: You know, though... I think I like this radio thing-- I did a movie called 'Sexual Response' in where I was a radio sex psychologist... kind of like you guys. DANA: Yeah, sort of... SHANNON: Of course, in the movie, my character coerced people into doing all sorts of things... MULDER: What sorts of things? DANA: You know what? I don't really want to-- SHANNON: Oh, I'd be happy to show you, Fox.... let's just bring Dr. Dana over here... DANA: Uh... I don't think so... MULDER: You're going to use Scully? SHANNON: This won't hurt at all... MULDER: I don't know if... DANA: I didn't know you were sensitive there, Mulder. MULDER: I'm not-- DANA: Sure you are... that's cute... you've got a sensitive spot... SHANNON: Well, while our partners get to know each other a bit better, I guess that's all the time we have... until next time... MULDER: Sculll-eeee... nooooo... DANA: God, you're such a baby-- SHANNON: B'bye, all! ... Ende ... Did you like this one? Write me and let me know! Would you, or do you know someone who'd like to appear in an upcoming Lovecalls story? Drop me a line... you might just see "someone" you know! thanks for reading! the address is : spooky42@juno.com