Subject: *NEW* "Lovecalls VII: It Takes One to Tango" by GreenFish From: spooky42@juno.com Date sent: Thu, 05 Feb 1998 16:16:13 EST ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Lovecalls VII: It Takes One to Tango" written by GreenFish post date: 18th September 1997 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know I'm going to be put under fire for this topic, but "Seinfeld" handled it so well in an episode they called 'The Contest.' If you watch the show, you probably know which one I'm talking about. They managed to address the topic without ever saying the word... unfortunately, I'm not that dignified, nor refined. But, I do dedicate this story to all the people from that show, because of the way they =did= handle it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DISCLAIM: I don't own 'em... they belong to the 'Master of Yuppie Mobidity' and his gang. Due credit along goes to the Loveline crew-- they still make me laugh to this day. That's something else. DISTRIBUTE: Anywhere (keep the name and e-mail with it) RATING: strong *R* (bordering on NC-17) for explicit subject matter. CONTENT/SPOILER: Again, if you're really sensitive about content, stay away. I don't want to get flamed because I told you so. No spoilers. ARCHIVE: C; H/R SUMMARY: Mulder and Dr. Dana discuss that one topic that no one talks about, but almost everyone will, and/or has done. Loveline/X-Files crossover. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PLEASE NOTE: All the names of the callers in here I've picked off the top of my head. Any similarities to *anyone* are purely *coincidental.* All situations/problems (that are "true") are used with permission, and are not meant to flame, or hurt anyone. Thanks a lot, and enjoy. "Lovecalls VII: It Takes One to Tango" (part 1/1) MULDER: Good evening, all... welcome to another night of Lovecalls... DANA: Tonight's guest is James Spader, fresh off his new movie, "Crash." MULDER: That always reminds me of that Dave Matthews Band song. DANA: You listen to Dave Matthews Band? DANA: You listen to Dave Matthews Band? MULDER: You'd be surprised what I like. Likewise, many of our listeners may be surprised at tonight's topic. DANA: It's not something that people usually talk about. MULDER: But the question is, do you do it? DANA: Are you asking me? DANA: I think we should address this later. MULDER: No, I'm curious. I mean, how do you do it? DANA: Mulder, I really don't think this is appropriate to talk about on the air... MULDER: Do you do it yourself? Or do you use something-- DANA: Fox Mulder, for God's sakes, *shut up!* MULDER: Obviously, this is a sensitive topic with a lot of people... so since I have to work with Dr. Dana, and not with our next caller, why don't we go to the phone. Jack, 23, you're on Lovecalls. JACK: Yeah, hey. MULDER: What's going on, Jack? JACK: Well, my problem is two-fold. First of all, I was wondering-- if you don't do anything with your instrument--- I mean, will that render it less potent, or something? DANA: Do anything, how? JACK: I mean, like... anything. I'm not talking about peeing, but I've never had sex, and I've never fiddled around down there, so... MULDER: Never? Not even to, you know, make sure it's still down there? JACK: No. DANA: I know you haven't ever had sex, Jack, but have you ever gotten an erection, or had ejaculation before? JACK: Yeah, sure. DANA: But not induced by self-stimulation? JACK: No. MULDER: Don't look at me, Dr. Dana... this one's all yours. DANA: Thanks... Well, Jack, have you ever been abused, sexually harassed, anything like that? JACK: No, no... all the relationships I've had have been good, and non-sexual. MULDER: What, is this guy in Care Bear land? How did he get past the mold? DANA: Mulder... Well, so you've never felt the need, Jack? JACK: No. DANA: I don't know what to tell you, then.. I mean, if your sexual drive is okay.. well, if you don't mind me asking-- how have you received an erection in the past? JACK: Typical guy stuff... seeing a nice-looking girl, thinking about sex... DANA: But you've never masturbated, nor had sex before. JACK: *No*... I was just wondering if that will affect my potency when I =do= start having sex. DANA: I can't imagine why it would, Jack. Obviously, if you can have a healthy erection, and you don't wait until you're 70 to have intercourse, then you should be fine. JACK: Okay, thanks. DANA: Jack, you said your problem was 'two-fold.' What was the other part? JACK: My name... it's my biggest pet-peeve when people say 'jack-off.' It's like a personal insult. DANA: Do you think that may have had something to do with why you don't masturbate? JACK: Possibly. DANA: Did people ever exploit your name in that context? JACK: When I was in junior high... DANA: Mm hmm... the anxiety of it-- the negative connection goes back to your memories from then-- so if you associate it in a negative manner, you couldn't be able to see the act itself as a positive one later on. JACK: So you think this is unconsciously why I don't... DANA: I think that has =everything= to do with it. MULDER: Wait a minute-- I'm feeling left out here. You're taking my job, Dr. Dana-- DANA: Excuse me? MULDER: Who's the psychologist, here? DANA: Go ahead, then, professor. MULDER: I'll just pretend I didn't hear that last part. Anyway, Jack, what you need to do is form a positive view on the act itself. JACK: I don't have any problem with it... I just don't like to do it myself. DANA: Mulder, you can't argue that point. He doesn't =have= to do it-- and shouldn't -- if he doesn't feel a need. MULDER: Whatever. DANA: Look, Jack... you don't have to do it, and you'll be perfectly healthy. But keep in mind that doing it is perfectly healthy as well, okay? JACK: Okay. DANA: You do whatever you feel like. JACK: Okay. MULDER: I don't get that at all. The guy's 23 years old, and has never played with himself. DANA: Jeez, Mulder, you were practically shoving it down the guy's throat... when it was obvious he just didn't like it. MULDER: That just doesn't seem normal... for a guy. DANA: Yes, well, he had a good reason to be weary about it... and besides, he even mentioned that he didn't have a problem with it; just that he didn't do it... Besides, how old were you when you first-- eh-- discovered you had something there? MULDER: I can't believe you just said it that way. DANA: Don't avoid the question, Mulder. MULDER: How old were you? I bet you didn't do anything until you were in college. DANA: I asked you first. MULDER: ... eight-teen ... DANA: You waited until you were *eighteen?* I'm really surprised ... especially after all those comments you made to Jack. You should really be embarrassed, Mulder. MULDER: Yeah, but he hasn't had sex, either. DANA: When did you lose your virginity? MULDER: On the air? DANA: Fine... whisper it to me. How? She made you do it to yourself? The first =time?= MULDER: Fine-- just explain it on the air, Dr. Dana! ... Yes, I had to masturbate in front of her! All right? DANA: Mulder, there's nothing wrong with that... Anyway, we need to take our next caller... MULDER: But you never told me-- DANA: ... Brandon, 18, you're on Lovecalls. BRANDON: Hey there. MULDER: Okay, what's up? BRANDON: Well, I'm at college right now, and I share my dorm. Anyway, it's about my roommate. DANA: What's he do? BRANDON: He, uh... likes to... ... pleasure himself ... DANA: That's normal. BRANDON: Yeah, but he does it while I'm in the room.... and he's loud about it, too! MULDER: I know I'll kill myself for asking this, but loud how? BRANDON: Like ... uhhh... grunting, and stuff ... DANA and MULDER: Ehhhhhwww.... BRANDON: I seriously don't know what to do about it! DANA: Mulder? MULDER: Maybe you should give him hints about masturbating with stealth... smooth, quick ... like a ninja. DANA: Mulder, you =didn't= just say that. MULDER: Ooh... bad choice of words... I just meant... DANA: I have to say, Mulder, in this case, I think his best route is direct avoidance... you should talk to your RA about switching rooms... does John know you know about it? BRANDON: Well, he must; I mean-- he's loud enough! DANA: I don't know what else to tell you... because confronting him could be awkward. BRANDON: Uh, yeah... MULDER: I have to agree-- I mean, there's nothing wrong with the guy and these manly needs-- but he should be able to perform quietly, you'd think.... I would talk to your Residence Advisor, like Dr. Dana said... BRANDON: Okay... oh, and a word of advice for the day? DANA: Okay, this is new... BRANDON: I used to work in a clothing store... Always watch out for guys who wear trench coats with pockets that go all the way through. MULDER: Ew. DANA: Well... that's nice. Thanks, Brandon... and keep our advice as well. BRANDON: Okay, thanks. MULDER: Well, that was just gross. DANA: I hope he's able to switch rooms... MULDER: Yeah-- they should stick all the loud ones together so that they know what they sound like. DANA: Mulder! ... Anyway, we'll be back right after this... MULDER: Okay, here's where we get to introduce our guest-- James Spader. MULDER: Scully, are you going to say something about him? DANA: Some call him sexy, others call him creepy... but there's no doubt that James Spader is one =fox= of a movie star-- MULDER: Scully! You did that on purpose! DANA: -- just out with his latest movie, "Crash." Please welcome movie actor James Spader to the studio-- MULDER: What did I say about that annoying applause tape? DANA: You can do the 'schwing' noise, I guess. <'schwing' noise-- from the movie "Wayne's World" comes on> JAMES: Hello. DANA: Welcome to the studio, James... JAMES: Great to be here. DANA: Anyway, you starred in the movie "Crash," a film about sexual arousal in car collisions... JAMES: It's a dark subject, yes... MULDER: But speaking of the concept, I have Kelly, 17, on the line... hello? Kelly? KELLY: Yeah. MULDER: Tell us about your problem. KELLY: Well, okay... it's kind of weird. Okay, my boyfriend can't get off unless I masturbate for him... in the car. DANA: And you wanted to know if that was okay? KELLY: Actually, I was wondering if you could get pulled over for that. DANA: Well, as enforcers of the law by day, Mulder and I know... but I want to know what James thinks first. JAMES: That's really an odd question. I'd say, you wouldn't be likely to get pulled over unless your boyfriend started swerving all over-- MULDER: That's not the only thing that'd be going all over... DANA: Mulder! JAMES: Anyway... like I was saying, if it impairs his own driving-- MULDER: Does he play around with himself while you do it? KELLY: He has it out, but he doesn't mess with it... he just has me do it... DANA: Does his driving become affected-- especially when he goes into orgasm? KELLY: Not really, I mean... MULDER: You realize, Dr. Dana, this is probably the grossest show we've ever done. DANA: You keeping tally, Mulder? MULDER: No, I just-- JAMES: So what's the official verdict? Illegal, or not? MULDER: Go ahead, Dana. DANA: Of course, Fox... DANA: Officially, of course, this is all completely illegal-- KELLY: But we're in the car-- isn't that like, private property, or something? DANA: On private property, yes, but when you're on the road, it's considered public domain. MULDER: Not to mention the hazard or chance of distraction when he finally does, er... get off. DANA: However, you're unlikely to get pulled over unless your boyfriend is driving recklessly, especially because of that... or if you were topless, per se, and there was an obvious case of indecent exposure. JAMES: Yes, despite the artistic connotations of the movie, "Crash"-- DANA: 'Artistic connotations'--? MULDER: Hey, you gotta market the movie somehow.... it's all about sex, basically, anyway... JAMES: Thank you... but anyway, I seriously think if he has to get off while in the car, either do it in your driveway at home, or go somewhere deserted-- there's too big a chance there that something could happen. DANA: I just don't think it's a good idea at all... MULDER: I do agree with my uptight partner, here.. DANA: 'Uptight?' Wha--? MULDER: ... it's just not a good idea to engage in fetish-like behavior-- especially in this medium. A car is too dangerous a thing... KELLY: But my boyfriend can't get it any other way. DANA: Kelly, food for thought... first of all, you're supposed to be older before you can officially have sex, but beyond that, getting caught in this could get you in quite a bit of trouble. JAMES: So you're basically saying, do whatever you want, but you'll really hit yourself if you get caught... MULDER: Bad wording there-- 'hit yourself'... DANA: No comment, *Mulder,* but yes, to Kelly. Do you understand what I'm saying? You do realize that what you're doing is very dangerous? KELLY: Yeah... sure. Thanks. JAMES: Think she'll listen to you? DANA: No-- not until she actually does get caught... or gets in an accident. I really worry about people like that... MULDER: Can't save the world, Dr. Dana. DANA: I know... anyway, that's all the time that we have for today. Thanks to James Spader... and do you have any closing comments, Mulder? MULDER: Yeah. You never answered my question from earlier. DANA: About what? MULDER: About the masturbation thing. When did you first discover that you had something of value down there? DANA: We don't have time for this, Mulder... we'll see you all next time... MULDER: You haven't heard the end of this, yet, Dr. Dana ... -- the end -- ========================= "Some people don't masturbate because of religion. I masturbate religiously." -- Adam Corolla, 'Loveline' ========================== ---- so, what did you all think? I know this is totally the topic that people don't talk about... and I thought-- 'a forbidden topic... have to do it!' If you enjoyed it, let me know. If you'd like to appear in a Lovecalls, or know someone who would, write me with your question ... the address is: Thanks for reading!