From: Icemulder <icemulder@hotmail.com>
Date: 2 Feb 2003 07:14:53 -0800
Subject: Magical Land of Muffins and Pie, (1/1) Perry
Source: atxc

TITLE:The Magical Land of Muffins and Pie
AUTHOR:Perry
EMAIL ADDRESS:icemulder@hotmail.com 
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT (ARCHIVE STATEMENT):Ask me first
RATING:PG
CLASSIFICATION:T/H
KEYWORDS (CONTENT WARNING):Mulder/Scully friendship, and pies
SPOILER WARNING: None that I can think of
SUMMARY: Mulder and Scully are on assignment to the Magical Land of
Muffins and Pie, a land where an evil villian is stealing all the
mini-muffins, and all the adults are pastries

Mulder looked around him. The sky was a pale pinkish color, the trees
all packed with soccer ball
sized cherries. A cute little bunny with huge, cute, glistening eyes
hopped playfully by. The path
leading to the bright city was made of graham cracker crumbles, and it
was as smooth as silk, and
no one ever fell down. The grass was sweet and tangy to the taste,
thick and bouncy to the touch.
The entire country-side of the city was tinted in a majestic gold. Up
ahead, the city streets were
paved with gold coins, the markets all giving out free, tasty treats
to hungry passerby. The city
looked cheerful, inviting, mystical. 
Mulder felt like he was going to puke. 
How had he ended up in this nauseating city? 
It was Skinner's fault. 
Skinner had assigned Mulder and Scully to this case. He told them to
go to this place, because an
evil villain was terrorizing the citizens. Mulder hadn't thought it
sounded like an X-File, but this
place ...This place was weirder than any X-File he had ever read! 
Scully was behind him, staring at the bunny that had hopped by. 
"Mulder, since when do bunnies eat licorice?" Scully asked. 
Mulder turned around, the bunny had a strand of red licorice, and was
munching it heartily.
"I have no idea, Scully. Look at this place! This is-" Mulder couldn't
finish his sentence. Just
looking at the town made him sick. He motioned to Scully, "C'mon, if
we have to investigate
what's going on, we might as well get it over with." 
Scully nodded, "Sooner we get out of this town, the better." 
They began walking up the graham cracker path towards the city. Mulder
began laughing so hard
he had to sit down in the middle of the road when they approached a
tall sign made out of cake
YOU'RE ENTERING THE MAGICAL LAND OF MUFFINS AND PIE, WELCOME 
"Scully, I can't do this," Mulder gasped in-between laughs, "I can't
be professional in this place!"
"C'mon!" Scully pulled Mulder up, and they walked into the city. 
THE MAGICAL LAND OF MUFFINS AND PIE 
"Hello, Hello, how may I help you, kind visitors?" the shop keeper
took Scully's hand and
grinned, showing off his blinding white teeth. 
"Um, yes, I'm Agent Scully, and this is Agent Mulder, we are with the
FBI. We need to speak to-"
"The Fanciful Banquet Inquire? Is it that time again already? Okay, my
choice would have to be,
um Mr. Spoon's Christmas luncheon, that was just immaculate and--" 
"Wait, Fanciful Banquet Inquire, Mr. Spoon? What are you talking
about?"
"The FBI, every year you people come around and all of the citizens
tell you who is the best
candidate to win the Banquet of the Year Award. I'm voting for Mr.
Spoon," the shopkeeper
grinned once more at Scully, not noticing Mulder, who was crouched
down behind a huge candy
display, turning red from holding in his laughter. 
"No, no, the FBI, the Federal Bureau of Investigation," Scully said,
wishing Mulder would help
her out. 
"Hmmm? I have never heard of such a thing," the shopkeeper's grin
faded, "Who are you people?
Lunatics? I'm just trying to run a simple business, I can do without
madmen and women. I already
have enough problems with the One!" 
Mulder stood up, and hurried over to the counter, "The One? Who's the
One?"
The shopkeeper looked at them in shock, "We do not speak his name, he
has brought great terror
to our land, our people." 
"Could you say it, just once?" Mulder pleaded. 
The shopkeeper stared at them for a minute, deciding. Then he nodded,
and leaned close to them.
He said in not more than a whisper, "Lord Souparious," (pronounced
Soup-air-ee-us) the
shopkeeper winced as if the name was painful to say. 
"Kay, um, who is the leader of this-, " Mulder paused, willing himself
to say it without laughing,
"Land of Muffins and Pie?" 
"Oh, King Archibald Appleberry, of course! He lives in the Muffin
Palace on Blueberry Avenue!"
The shopkeeper pointed down the road. 
A MAN NAMED OCTOBER 
"Mulder, are those mini-muffins running around?" 
"I don't know how to answer that Scully." 
"They are! Why are they mini-muffins?!" 
"Because, ma'am, they are not fully grown muffins yet, they are only
babies."
Scully whirled at this voice, that seemed to be almost inside her ear.
An old man with fruit-stained overalls was standing behind her. He was
wearing a rather large
straw hat, and work boots. 
The man must have noticed how Scully had checked out his appearance
because he had laughed
heartily and said, "Today was my day to work in the fields, ya know,
pick fruit for The Banquet of
the Year Award next week. Privilege to work on it, it is. Mah friend
Matthew is a cook this year,
big step up from last year, I'll tell ya. He was working on banners.
Usually only youngins' do that,
but King Appleberry made an exception. Felt real bad for 'im, I was on
the serving team mahself.
Some say gatherer is a step or two down from server, but at least I'll
be able to enjoy the Banquet,
not be a waiter. I don't hafta dress up fancy neither," the man
stopped to take a breath, "You two
ain't from around here, are you? I can tell." 
Mulder stepped up, "No, we are from the FB-um Federal Bureau of
Investigation."
"Oh, right. What's that?" 
"We fight crime, in fact we are here to help you all, to stop the
One."
The man grinned, "Course you are, all the others were, too. A course,
I haven't seen the others,
they disappeared a while ago!" 
Scully swallowed. Disappeared? What had Skinner gotten them into? 
"What is your name, sir?" Mulder asked. 
"October La'mode, but you can call me October," the man smiled, "I
must be heading now, town
meeting in a few, and I want to wash up a bit. Will I be seeing you
two there?"
"Most likely," Scully edged closer to Mulder, "Goodbye October." 
"Toodle loo!" And with that, October walked away. 
PALACE OF MUFFIN SIZED PROPORTION 
The Palace was huge. Mulder stepped back onto the street. A man on the
corner of the street with
a lolli-pop cart watched him. A lot of people watched him. Mulder and
Scully stood out. They
were both wearing clean, black suits, while the rest of the city, they
were not. The women were
dressed in long, wavy dresses that looked as if they were made of
clouds. Not that they were
see-through, oh-no, the dresses were brilliant shade of red, purple,
cerulean blue
(Oh-No!),orange, any color that you could possibly think of. The men
were dressed in elegant
multicolor robes and polka dotted suits whose dots flashed different
colors. The townsfolk
were all brilliant and shiny, even their hair seemed to be of
different hues.
It was sickening, really. 
Mulder motioned to Scully for her to come closer to him. He pointed up
towards the Palace.
"Please tell me that doesn't look like what I think it looks like," he
moaned.
"If you think it looks like muffin, it does," Scully frowned. Why did
it look like a muffin?
"Only fat people eat muffins," grumbled Mulder. Scully stared at him
for a beat, then back at the
building. 
"That's why they call them muffins," Mulder giggled. 
Scully shook her head just as great bells began to sound. The bright
towns people began to make
their way into an auditorium that looked suspiciously like-- 
"A pie," Scully finished my sentence. 
"Well, we told ol' October we was going to this there town meeting, so
um guessin' wesa better
go on in," Mulder imitated October's way of speaking. 
"I reckon," Scully said with a smile. 
THE TOWN MEETING 
"Alright, everyone just calm down, if you would just stay seated, I'm
sure we can work this out!
He only meant that while the chocolate chips were important, in this
event, the blueberries are the
ones that should be center stage!" A squirrelly looking man banged on
the microphone, trying to get
the angry crowds' attention. Finally he gave up, and called the
vice-president of the banquet
committee. 
The vice-president cleared his throat, "I'm covered in chicken blood."
"Okay, and now the president of the committee," the squirrel man cut
into the woman's sentence
type thing. 
"Ladies and gentlemen, it looks as if we are having a rather safe
week, the One has not been back
for, well, a week," The crowd cheered at this, "But, no one is saying
that we will be safe next
week. Keep your mini-muffins indoors at all times possible. They
should take the shuttle to school
in the morning, back home in the afternoon, and be with you at all
times in-between."
"Mulder, do you notice anything....strange about these people?" Scully
whispered to Mulder.
"Well, other than the fact that most of them are huge pastries with
eyes and mouths, I have no
idea what you're talking about, Scully." 
"Now, everyone, the FBI will be coming next week, so keep in mind who
you would like to honor
with this year's Banquet Of The Year Award!" The president let the
crowd whisper about this for
a minute or two before continuing, "Now, our school principal,
Professor Cupkaken would like to
say a few words." 
A half man half cupcake came onto the stage, "Your mini-muffins and
children should have their
end of term reports next Monday, so make sure you see their grades.
Unfortunately, due to safety
issues, we cannot allow Summer holiday schooling, but a select few of
our teachers are willing to
tutor a student or two on certain days of the week. As you all already
know, our holiday
activities camps are also closed this coming vacation, but rest
assured, local business' are
putting together camps for your young ones. Some of those camps
include Swimming camps at
our local pool. Money and Budgeting camps at the bank, Business camps
at our shopping outlet,
in addition to many more. See our lovely Mrs. Spoon for pamphlets." 
The squirrelly man returned to the podium to adjourn the meeting. 
THE CHAOS THAT TAKES PLACE AFTER TOWN MEETINGS 
"Well, that was interesting." 
"I hope we get invited to many more town meetings." 
"Yeah, well---" 
Mulder was cut off by a loud, long, high-pitched scream. He and Scully
whirled around to see
people all crowding around Mrs. Spoon, who had her back to them, and
was looking up at the
sky. 
Suddenly, everyone started screaming. When Mulder looked up, at first
all he could see was
black, until he realized that the sky was supposed to be light, it
wasn't time for night. The sky was
covered in what looked like a big, black cloud. 
"He's here!" screamed a plump apple cobbler. She took her little pies,
and they began to waddle
away. 
All of the mini-muffins began to sob, and the larger muffins circled
around them, in a weird
protective shield. 
"Mulder," Scully began to say, but never finished. There was a bright
flash of light, the wind began
to whirl, and she felt as if she was being lifted off the ground.
Scully kept her eyes closed, but
even if she had opened them, it would have done no good. It was too
bright to see anything. She
groped for something to hold onto, preferably Mulder, put nothing was
in reach. Then she felt as
if she was falling, she opened her eyes, and saw nothing but red. 
Then she hit the ground. 
And all was black

This is what happened when Mulder, the first to wake, woke up. 
THE LAND WITHOUT MINI-MUFFINS 
He rolled over, and rubbed his temples. Mulder was dizzy, and felt
even more nauseous than when
he first entered this godforsaken land. 
Mulder sat up, but kept his eyes closed, remembering the feeling of
being lifted really high, then
crashing to the ground. He saw red 
Blood 
all around, then he passed out. For how long? Mulder, with caution,
opened his eyes.
BloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBloodBlood

It wasn't all red. It wasn't blood. The sun was about to set, he was
seeing the sun's setting
reflection over everything. Oh, but what was this? The sun setting?
Mulder checked his watch, it
was well past 8 o'clock. How long had he been out? 
'Not as long as everyone else' he thought, looking around. Everything
was a big pile of people,
and pastries. Everyone was lying in a big heap, he was on the outside
of the pile. He had to find
Scully. 
'There she is,' Mulder ran to her. She had conveniently fallen on the
outer ring of the townsfolk heap as well.
Mulder picked her up and carried her away from the mess. He laid her
on one of the steps
leading up to the palace. Mulder didn't have a degree in medicine,
like Scully, so he had no idea
what to do. 
Or what happened, why were all of these people lying like this? What
had that black cloud been?
And, where was it now? And, where had all the mini-muffins gone? 
As Mulder looked around, he noticed that all of the mini-muffins had
disappeared.
SCULLY COMES TO 
Why am I so sore? What is going on? What was that black thing? 
"Scully! You're awake!" Mulder rushed to Scully's side. 
"What happened?" 
"That black thing, I think it was The One, and all the mini-muffins
are gone!"
"Did The One take the mini-muffins?" 
"You're quick!" Mulder sat down beside Scully, he was eating a cookie.
"Gimme some of that cookie," said Scully, sitting up, "Do you remember
how at the town meeting
they were all so protective over those mini-muffins, saying to stay
with them at all times?"
"Yup, and when that black thing came, all the big muffins made a wall
around them."
Scully yawned, and looked around," Is everyone else still knocked
out?"
"Yes, you are the second to wake up," Mulder broke off some more
cookie for her.
"Who was the first to wake up?" Scully gladly accepted the piece of
cookie.
"Well, me. Was that not obvious enough?" Mulder dodged Scully's
swinging palm.
Scully stood up, looking around, she was deciding something," When
everyone comes too, we
must see the king." 
"Why?" asked Mulder, as he stood up too. 
"We need some supplies. We are the only ones who can fight this thing,
Mulder. We have to."
Mulder nodded," I think you're right Scully. We should help all these
people, some of those guys
over there look like the fall made them lose a lot of their filling." 
THE KING AND US 
Once the townsfolk came out of the strange passed out state they were
all in (which took several
hours), Mulder and Scully went to see the king. 
This is from the kings point of thought [view]. 
Not again. This thing has got to be stopped. Who are these people? The
man is tall, and very
handsome, I only mean in a general way, I'm not gay. And the woman,
with bright red hair, why
are they here? To help? To fight? Do they actual think they can fight
The One? When all of the
others have died, they think they will survive? I suppose I should
give them a chance. They are
different than the rest of us. Neither of them were affected by The
One this afternoon as the rest
of us were. They appear to be strong. Are they strong enough for this
task? Is their partnership
strong enough to be more powerful than The One? I think not. 
"Please, sir. You were speaking out loud, and while I do not think
you're gay, I do know that we
are strong enough for this. The others, they were desserts. We are
human beings, we can fight."
*The king talks like Aslan in that one episode of South Park, with the
'Richers', if you don't know
what I mean, WHY NOT? WHY DON'T YOU WATCH SOUTH PARK? 
"Listen, you may think you are strong, so have many before you. But,
you do not understand The
One's power. Only one thing in our entire world can defeat him." 
"Napalm," interrupted Mulder "Lots and lots of Napalm." 
"SILENCE! You do not understand the power of the pie! The almighty pie
is by far more greater
than your Napalm, the almighty pie is stronger than The One, but only
those who want the pie, but
do not want to use the pie, can have the pie. We want to use the pie,
therefore, we cannot get the
pie." 
"Huh, kinda like Harry Potter!" 
"SILENCE! This is NOTHING like Harry Potter! Maybe I should allow you
two to venture on to
The One's lair, only then will you understand how wrong you really
are! Only then will you
understand the power of the pie! Oh yes, my friend, you will see the
pie, but The Almighty Pie,
will not be yours!" 
"So, uh, can we go?" Mulder stepped forward. 
"BACK! BACK I SAY! I will let you go, but, I must give you a few
things for the trip, Bakery's
Policy." The King bellowed. 
"Of course." 
"You may have a map of where the lair is, a knapsack a piece of
rations, The Great Slice, and
chips." 
"Chips?" Mulder questioned. 
"Money," whispered Scully, "What, sir, is The Great Slice?" 
"The Great Slice will help you on the journey, but I cannot say how.
Off you go! Randall here will
give you the things, go on now. Scat." 
THE JOURNEY THAT LIES AHEAD 
They were given a large, decaying map leading to the Lair, a small bag
apiece of cookies,
cupcakes and berries, a sack of 'chips' and a green velvet sack that
was mighty heavy.
"Are you sure he said that we can't open the bag?" Mulder groaned,
"It's sooo heavy."
"Don't open it, Mulder. The Great Slice is in there, and Randall said
if we open it, it will lose all its
powers and be useless." 
"I wish we had the pie, it would defeat him," Mulder grumbled. 
"NO! Don't think like that! If you want to use the pie, you will not
get the pie!"
"Who cares? We're gonna die anyway, why can't I wish for a pie?" 
Scully didn't say anything. Instead, she focused on the rocky road
(actual rocks, not ice cream) they were traveling on.
After 2 hours, it had gotten too dark to see. Mulder laid down in the
middle of the road, and fell
asleep. Scully went off to the side of the road (less dangerous) to
sleep.
* * * * * * 

"OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!"
Scully woke up instantly. Who was screaming that utterly girlie
scream? Mulder, of course.
"Why was you sleepin' in the road, sir?" 
"I-I-was not!" Mulder limped over to Scully. 
"He ran over me! That guy with the pumpkin cart RAN OVER ME!" Mulder
whined.
"Is anything broken?" 
"No, I don't think so." 
Mulder and Scully turned back to the pumpkin cart man, who looked
remarkably like a lolli-pop.
The man had a large, wooden cart on wheels, brimming to the top with
sparkling orange
pumpkins. The cart was being pulled by a chocolate moose (get it?) and
the man had been riding
atop the pumpkins. 
"Where are you too headed?" The lolli-pop man jumped off the top of
the crate, and offered them
both a pumpkin. 
Scully, who was starving, bit into the pumpkin, and realized it wasn't
really a pumpkin at all. It was
shaped like a pumpkin, and the outer coat was orange candy, but it was
easy to bit into, and the
inside was made out of whipped chocolate. (no wonder I get so hungry
when I work on this
story!) 
"We, we are trying to get to-The Lair," Mulder said, finishing off his
pumpkin.
"Ooh, wow, that's a long way from here, weeks walk if I do say so
myself. It's only 2 days trip if
you're riding, though. I'm going halfway, to a village. You can ride
with me, and I'll set you up
with some transportation, if you'd like," the lolli-pop man ushered
them over to his cart, "You can
sit on this back bench, no offense, but too much weight will crush mah
pumpkins."
"Non taken. We'll go, right Scully?" Mulder turned to Scully, who was
packing up their
belongings. She was obviously ready to go. 
The lolli-pop man gave them two more pumpkins each, and they began to
ride.
THE NOT SO MAGICAL LAND OF COOKIES AND CAKE 
The sun was setting when the sign welcoming them to The Not So Magical
Land Of Cookies and
Cake came into view. 
Mulder nudged Scully, who had fallen asleep, "We're here," he
whispered in her ear.
She sat up abruptly, and looked around. She saw the sign and made sure
they still had their food,
money and most importantly, The Great Slice. 
Now, while the Magical Land Of Muffins and Pie was sparkling and gold,
and magical, this Land
of Cookies and Cake, was not so magical. It's streets were lined with
cobblestone, it's buildings
made of cement. It looked like a normal village. It was a normal
village. The townsfolk were
people, not pies, not muffins! 
"Where are all the pastries," asked Mulder. 
"The One took 'em all," the lolli-pop man said sadly. 
Mulder and Scully looked at each other, this would not be good. 
THE UNWELCOMING COMMITEE 
When Mulder and Scully entered the town with the lolli-pop man, they
knew right off the bat that
they weren't welcome. They got dirty looks from all the people in the
land, and were even denied
a car. The loll-pop man said they could use his cart if all else
failed.
The lolli-pop man gave them shelter for the night. 
It was a small shack, very close to the exit of the town. Mulder and
Scully weren't very warm, but
it would due for the night. They ate the pumpkins that the lolli-pop
man provided, and discussed
their travel plans, i.e. The Lair. 
"I think it's really big, and dark and scary," said Scully. 
"Me too, it's probably covered in fire like that place in Shrek!" 
"Oooh! I loved that movie!" 
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. 
I say, "Who is it?" 
No answer. 
"Who is it?" 
There's no answer." 
"WHO IS IT?" 
They're not saying anything. 
(Sorry, Weird Al moment!) 
The door was knocked on again. 
Mulder stood up, and slowly walked over to it, cocking his gun. Scully
did the same.
Mulder reached for the brass door handle, he could hear the angry
grunts from a lot of people on
the other side of the door. 
"Grab The Great Slice," Mulder whispered, as he turned the knob. 
Just as Scully stuffed the bag in her pocket, the door burst open, and
caught on fire. Hundreds of
townspeople with flamethrowers and crossbows and other kickass weapons
were outside, and
wanting our heroes' blood. 
Mulder grabbed Scully, and they ran. The angry mob followed. An arrow
grazed Mulder's left ear,
making him call out in pain. 
"C'mon, Mulder, there is a car up ahead, beside the entrance." 
Scully broke from Mulder's grip and sprinted ahead, Mulder was blinded
with pain, from the tiny little cut on his ear. Scully swung the doors
open to the car and threw The Great Slice's heavy bag inside, and sat
down in the
driver's seat. 
While Scully searched for there key, Mulder fell over, another arrow
just nearly missing him. Someone in the back started to fire a machine
gun. This got Mulder moving again. He ran as fast as he could to the
car, and reached it just as Scully found the key. Mulder swung the
passenger door
open and pushed The Great Slice aside and he scrambled inside. Scully
started the car and the
angry mob was closer than ever. Mulder slammed the door as Scully
floored it.
They were on the road, in no time, and after a half hour, had totally
lost the angry mob.
But now they faced another life-threatening problem 
THE LIFE-THREATENING PROBLEM (S) 
"What do you mean, no food? We must have something!" Scully was going
to slap Mulder if he
didn't say he was joking, "It's over a day's drive to this place, and
you're telling me we don't have
any food?" 
"Well, no we don't. We had to rush outta there, but at least we have
The Great Slice!" Mulder
picked up the velvet bag, and patted it. 
"Shut up, dorkweed," snapped Scully. 
"Don't call me that! That's rude!" 
Scully ignored Mulder. She continued to drive. Scully wanted to get
the pie and kill The One so
badly. But, she knew in her heart, that thinking of using it was not
the way to get it, it was the way
not to get it. Mulder laid back, close to sleep. 
When he awoke, the car had stopped, It was daylight, and Scully was
breathing hard.
"What's going on?" asked Mulder, reaching for The Great Slice's bag. 
"We are here," Scully pointed ahead of them, at a huge stone mountain.
Fire was coming out of
its holes and a black cloud was coming from it's top. 
"Oh my god," Mulder got out of the car. 
"What are you doing?" Scully got out after him. 
"We are here, Scully. Let's do this thing." 
Mulder and Scully walked towards the mountain. 
THE MEETING 
Mulder looked back at Scully, who was laying on the floor, out of
breath. They had just climbed
the mountain. (I know that part and the driving was pretty quick, but
I want to get to the kickass
fighting sequence) 
They were standing in front of a huge orange door, most likely the
entrance to The One's Lair.
"Scully, is it too late to turn back? "Mulder helped her to her feet. 
"Much too late," Scully walked towards the door. 
The door swung open, and Mulder and Scully rushed inside. 
At first, the giant room in which they had ran into looked empty.
There were a few piles of rocks
(that went around 60 or 70 feet in the air) here and there, but no
horrible Lords or tortured
mini-muffins. 
"We must be in it's living room, "Mulder walked a little farther into
the room, when suddenly, the
entire place began to shake. The Great Slice's bag fell from Mulder's
grip and skidded into
the shadows, as if it was being pulled. Scully began to run for it,
but a sudden roar came from
within the room. 
"Oh no," Mulder ran to Scully, she couldn't see it. Mulder knocked her
to the ground just as a
giant arm/tentacle came from above, trying to hit her. 
"Why couldn't I see it?" Scully asked. She could see it now. It was a
gigantic, scaly tentacle, with
bony fingers on the end. Boils covered the entire thing, which seemed
to be coming from the
shadows in the ceiling. 
"I don't know Scully, but don't let it leave your sight," Mulder
jumped to his feet, as did Scully.
The arm came down again, this time Mulder and Scully got out of the
way, and ran towards The
Great Slice. 
"Mulder, let me get it," Scully screamed over The One's never-ending
roar.
Mulder ran from Scully towards a large metal length of pipe that
suddenly appeared. Mulder
didn't have time to wonder where it came from. 
He picked it up, and looked for the arm. It was coming from all
directions now, must be multiple
arms. He smacked one away from him, then saw Scully, who was holding
the velvet bag, trying to
open it. 
"No, Scully, Don't open it!" yelled Mulder, running over to her. 
"Mulder, it could help us," called Scully. From above, two arms came
swooping towards her at a
deadly speed. 
"NOOOOO!" Mulder ran over to her, swinging the pipe above him. She
didn't see the arms as
they slapped her across the head, making her fly across the room,
immediately knocked out.
Mulder ran towards the bag, but it was gone, sliding away, but still
in sight, by some unseen force
again. 
One of the bony fingers came down, and took Mulder's pipe. It then
picked up Mulder, and
carried him over to the top of a high 70 foot tower of rocks. Mulder
stood the best he could,
trying to keep one eye on the finger, and the other one on Scully,
trying to see if she was still
alive. 
Mulder gave up trying to find Scully, and turned to the finger, which
went up into the ceiling, then
there was a bright flash of light, then in front of him, was The One. 
THE STANDOFF WITH THE ONE 
It was as tall as the tower Mulder was standing on, and Mulder was
face to face with The One.
"SO, MULDER. YOU WANT TO KILL ME." The One said in a loud, booming
voice.
"Um, technically speaking, "Mulder stared into the huge, glistening
eyes, "Kind of."
"YOU SHOULD KNOW, I PLAN TO TAKE OVER BOTH WORLDS, FOX. HUMAN AND
DESSERTS." 
"But, you will never, there is no way, "Mulder had no courage what so
ever.
The One laughed, knocking Mulder over, and down ten feet. Mulder was
hanging on to the rocks
by just one hand. He tried to swing himself up, but couldn't. Then he
found a better grip.
The One laughed heartily, "I WILL CONTROL BOTH WORLDS, MULDER. WITH
THE PIE,
I CAN CONTROL EVERYTHING!" 
"NO! YOU CAN'T! YOU CAN'T HAVE THE PIE, YOU WANT TO USE IT TOO BAD!"
Mulder climbed up the rocks, so he was standing in front of The One
again.
"YOU SHALL NEVER HAVE IT EITHER, MULDER. YOU WANT THE ALMIGTY PIE
JUST TO KILL ME!" 
"THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE WRONG! I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH THE ALMIGHTY PIE! ALL I WANT IS TO STOP YOU, PIE OR NO PIE. I
JUST
WANT SCULLY TO BE OKAY,I JUST WANT THE PASTRIES TO COME BACK, I JUST
WANT TO STOP YOU FROM TAKING OVER BOTH WORLDS! I DON'T WANT
THE PIE'S STRENGTH, I DON'T WANT IT'S POWER, I JUST WANT TO DEFEAT
YOU! "Mulder screamed, getting louder and louder with each word. 
Out of the corner of his eye, the velvet bag began to shake. 

THE GREAT SLICE
Mulder watched the velvet bag. The Great Slice, something was
happening to it. The One was
watching it, too. 
"What's going on?" Mulder's eye's didn't leave the velvet bag.
"You have done it now," The One actually sounded scared.
"But, that's only The Great Slice, it isn't the Almighty Pie!"
"Silly human, The Great Slice is The Almighty Pie. As soon as it is
sure you are worthy of the pie,
it returns to it's true form."
The velvet bag exploded, and the room was filled with golden light. A
huge pie (cherry) took the
bag's place. The pie was larger than The One, and definitely larger
than Mulder.
"I can't be worthy of the pie!" Mulder was frightened now.
"FOX, WE MEET AT LAST. DON'T BE FRIGHTENED, FOX. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE
WHO IS WORTHY OF THE PIE. NOT THE OTHERS, NOT SCULLY, YOU. SCULLY
WILL BE ALRIGHT, FOX. AS FOR YOU," the pie turned to The One.
"You can't defeat me! I don't care what they say! I'm the most
powerful thing in both
worlds!" The One shouted.
The pie swelled up, and bellowed, "I THINK NOT! YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND
THE
POWER OF THE PIE! YOU WILL, HOWEVER."
The One backed up, ready to fight the pie. Mulder began to climb down
the rock tower. It wasn't
a good idea to be 70 feet off the ground when a monster and a pie were
fighting.
"LISTEN, YOU!" The pie hopped over to The One, "YOU HAVE UPSET THE
ALMIGHTY
PIE, YOU MUST PAY THE CONSEQUENCES!"
The One backed up once again.
"YOU HAVE ANGERED THE ALMIGHTY PIE. YOU HAVE TORTURED ITS PEOPLE,
DESTROYED ITS VILLAGES. I AM THE ALMIGHTY PIE, FEEL MY WRATH!"
Hundreds of cherry bombs (get it?), cherries that exploded poisonous
juice came at The One.
Thousands, really. 
Mulder dodged as many as he could, trying to make his way towards
Scully.
"THE POWER OF THE PIE COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF THE PIE COMPELS YOU!"
screamed the pie, and something happened to Mulder.
All of a sudden, he was filled with more courage than he had ever had
in his entire life. He felt
stronger, bigger (even though he was still only 6 feet tall, standing
beside a 70 foot monter and a
140 foot wide pie).
Mulder turned to The One, pulled out his gun, and shot a single bullet
at The One.
It exploded, The One exploded.
The One was finally dead.
And, it was all thanks to Mulder.
"YOU HAVE DONE A GOOD JOB, FOX. NOW, RETURN TO THE MAGICAL LAND OF
MUFFINS AND PIE. ALL THE VILLAGES HAVE BEEN RESTORED, AND THE
PASTRIES AND MINI-MUFFINS ARE BACK WHERE THEY BELONG. EVERYONE
KNOWS IT IS ALL THANKS TO YOU, FOX. YOU MAY HAVE ONE FINAL REQUEST,
FOX. ASK ME ANYTHING, THE TRUTH OF THE CONSPIRACY, THE TRUE IDENTITY
OF THE ONE, ANYTHING AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE YOUR ANSWER."
Mulder looked at Scully. She wasn't moving.
"OH, RIGHT. FORGOT ABOUT THAT," the pie shot a golden ray right at
Scully.
She began to stir.
"Who was The One?" Mulder asked, running to Scully.
"I'M NOT SURE OF HIS REAL NAME, BUT I DO KNOW HE SMOKED A LOT OF
BUBBLE GUM CIGARS, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING."
Mulder knew what he was saying, even in this messed up world, the
Cancer Man controlled all.
Or rather, the Syndicate.
Mulder hugged the now healthy Scully, and they started their journey
back to The Magical Land
of Muffins and Pies.
THE BANGUET OF THE YEAR AWARD
"I do wish you would join us at the ceremony, Lord Mulder," Archibald
Appleberry said,
"Mr. Spoon's Christmas luncheon is sure to win."
Mulder laughed, and put his arm around Lady Scully, "That's okay, King
Appleberry, we must be
off. The human world needs our help as well."
"Of course. Of course," the king sadly lead them to the hot air
balloon (Oh, shut up. The Wizard of
Oz was nothing like this!) 
Mulder climbed into the hot air balloon, and helped Scully up. Scully
wrapped her arm around his
waist as they waved goodbye to the townsfolk.
The hot air balloon lifted higher and higher, taking them back to the
land of------
"MULDER, FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING GOOD AND HOLY, GET OFF THE
GODDAMN COUCH!"
Mulder jumped off the couch, face to face with an angry Scully.
"W-what's going on?" Mulder asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
Had all that been a dream?
"You've been asleep, we have to go, we're late."
"For what?"
"Skinner wants to see us. He has an assignment for us. The place where
we are going sounds like
some fairytale land to me." Scully walked out the front door, leaving
a frightened Mulder.
EPILOUGE
Mulder looked around him. The sky was a pale pinkish color, the trees
all packed with soccer ball
sized cherries. A cute little bunny with huge, cute, glistening eyes
hopped playfully by. The path
leading to the bright city was made of graham cracker crumbles, and it
was as smooth as silk, and
no one ever fell down. The grass was sweet and tangy to the taste,
thick and bouncy to the touch.
The entire country-side of the city was tinted in a majestic gold. Up
ahead, the city streets were
paved with gold coins, the markets all giving out free, tasty treats
to hungry passerby. The city
looked cheerful, inviting, mystical. 
Mulder felt like he was going to puke. 
How had he ended up in this nauseating city? 
It was Skinner's fault. 
THE END