From: Msk1024 Date: 25 Nov 2003 01:03:28 GMT Subject: NEW - Marginal (1/1) by Michelle Kiefer Source: atxc TITLE: Marginal AUTHOR: Michelle Kiefer E-MAIL ADDRESS: MSK1024@AOL.COM DISTRIBUTION: Archive if you like--just tell me where. DISCLAIMER: The characters belong to 1013, Chris Carter, and to the X-Files. SPOILER WARNING: FTF, The Beginning RATING: R COMMENTS: Written for the Haven Nov 2003 Guilty Pleasure Challenge. Challenge elements at the end. One of my newer guilty pleasures is "wallow fic." Jealousy, /otherness. It doesn't really matter who the jealous one is or who the "other" is with. I'm an equal opportunity wallower. In this case, Scully is the jealous one and the "other" is Diana. Marginal Scully never used to watch the clock. In the old days, she'd be surprised to find that it was after eight o'clock, having been so caught up in the work she'd lost track of time. Mulder would be doling out intriguing little clues, waving alleged photos of Big Foot in her face and before she knew it, quitting time would be long passed. Lately, she watched the time display in the corner of her computer, willing it to reach the magic number that released her from the monotony of fertilizer manifests and chemical company orders. Life in the bullpen was excruciating--endless boredom relieved only by the lack of privacy. Mulder was humming to himself, a habit he'd adopted lately. Lounging back in his chair, he stared at his computer screen. He might have been in a trance except for his right hand purposely moving his mouse back and forth. "Mulder." "Hmmm." "You're humming again." "Sorry," he said, sounding distracted. Mulder had been there but not there for days. She knew he missed his basement lair. He was like a nocturnal creature stunned and listless when caught in bright sunlight. She almost missed the tension that had festered between them after the disastrous OPR hearing. The air had been thick with anger and for the first time in their partnership, Scully wondered if they'd be better off apart. She knew he was hurt and disappointed in her. Hell, she had her share of bitter feelings, too. They didn't speak of it after that last confrontation over Gibson Praise's file. Maybe they both recognized that the stakes were too high; there was too much to lose. So, instead, they'd drifted into a tentative peace of polite greetings and cautious glances. After years of being comfortable with each other, this cut more deeply than a knife. Scully couldn't stand it a moment longer. This stasis had gone on long enough, she thought. Someone had to make the first move, and it might as well be her. "Um, Mulder, I was going to order a pizza," she began. Mulder looked up from his computer, obviously too surprised to answer. They stared at one another, on the brink of *something,* until a noise from the doorway drew their attention. Someone was clearing her throat. "Fox? Are you ready to go?" Diana Fowley stood in the doorway, coolly elegant with her coat draped over one arm. "I'm absolutely starved." "I'll be down in a minute, Diana." Mulder stood and began moving papers around his desk. "Don't be too long," she admonished gently, crossing the room to him. She trailed her fingers lightly over his tanned forearm. "We barely have time for dinner before the movie. The free passes are only good at the eight o'clock showing." "I have to power down my computer. I'll meet you downstairs," he said firmly. With a resigned sigh, Diana turned to leave. "Nice to see you, Agent Scully." Scully busied herself with tidying up her desk and gathering her things. She couldn't quite read Mulder's expression. Was that guilt or embarrassment she saw there, or was he just afraid she was going to cause a scene? "Let me guess--this isn't just dinner and a movie," she said, hating herself for sounding like a jealous girlfriend. "No." He shook his head and stuffed hands in pockets. "I don't know what to say, Scully." "How about 'good night'? You don't want to keep Agent Fowley waiting." She removed her purse from her desk, shutting the drawer with more force than she intended. "I just..." "What?" "I must have missed something along the way. Maybe I just wasn't paying attention." She gripped her car keys so tightly, she could feel the sharp little ridges of the metal. "How long, Mulder?" "A few weeks," he answered. He didn't seem to be able to meet her eye. She nodded, not trusting her voice. Damn, if she started crying, she'd put her service revolver to her temple and pull the trigger. "I see," she said finally. "I guess it all makes sense, now." "What are you talking about?" "Do you remember the day I brought you Gibson's test results?" At his nod, she went on, "You wanted to know if I was asking you to choose. It looks like you'd already made your choice." She moved quickly to the door, brushing past her partner. "Scully, wait! It wasn't like that..." Mulder called after her. She rushed down the hall, taking the stairs rather than waiting for the elevator and risk another painful conversation with Mulder. She willed herself not to cry, biting her tongue in an effort to keep control as she pounded down the steps. Scully kicked the door at the bottom of the stairs, a satisfyingly loud crack resounding through the stairwell. Reaching parking garage level, she stood in the doorway and carefully scanned the area. Empty thank God, she thought, dashing to her car. The last thing she needed was to spot Mulder and Agent Fowley as they went off on their date. Fuck you, Fox Mulder and the horse you rode in on. One in five billion, my ass. You make me a whole person. Well, that was worth plenty of nothing. What Mulder really wanted was someone to agree with him and not challenge his theories. Diana probably believed fourteen impossible things before breakfast without batting an eye. *Oh Fox, you're so brilliant. Oh Fox, you're absolutely right. Oh Fox, I agree completely.* Well, he was welcome to her. Scully hoped they'd be very happy together as they blindly accepted every yahoo's eyewitness account of a UFO landing on the roof of his doublewide trailer. Scully drove home on autopilot. She toyed with the idea of picking up a pizza on the way, but quickly nixed it. Pizza would remind her of Mulder and the office and her embarrassment and Diana Fowley and she'd rather eat dirt than think about that. Slamming the car door, she looked up at her building before turning away. She had some supplies to pick up first. Scully walked to the video store on the corner. Maybe she could obliterate the day from her mind by watching somebody else's troubles. She wandered up and down the aisles of the store, picking up boxes and putting them back down. "Steel Magnolias"...nope. She didn't want to cry and that movie always left her sobbing. "Conspiracy Theory"...too much like real life. "Singles"...absolutely not. She did *not* want to examine the single life. "Fatal Attraction?" Possible. Very possible. "Thelma and Louise." Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. She brought her selections up to the register where the cashier looked at the two videos and then up at Scully. Could the woman read the state of Scully's emotions? The cashier's springy red hair stuck up like a troll doll. She clucked her tongue and nodded her head in sympathy, her hair wagging back and forth with the movement. ********** Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Mulder watched his partner leave the bullpen, wishing he could take back the last ten minutes. Hell, he wished he could blow the last month out of existence. He and Scully had become so close as they recovered from the their experiences in Antarctica. Suffering from exposure, hypothermia and things the doctors couldn't attach names to, they'd arrived home weak and weary. Mulder had thought just maybe they'd finish what they'd started in the hall outside his apartment before the bee sting and Scully's collapse. They were so close to breaking through that last barricade to intimacy. He wanted it so much it hurt, and he thought she did too. He'd assumed Scully would support him in getting the X-Files back. Surely now, he thought, she would believe. But Mulder had fatally misjudged her ability to rationalize away what she didn't want to deal with and was blindsided by her denial at the OPR hearing. It had all gone to hell after that. He'd been so angry with Scully. Being around her was dangerous. It would be so easy to lash out at her with words he couldn't take back. Better to avoid her and not further damage the already battered partnership. That was how he came to be in the bullpen late one night, having managed to be out on business most of the afternoon until he was sure Scully was gone. Diana had stopped by and he'd found himself caught up in the enjoyment of talking to someone who didn't challenge his every word. If he'd felt disloyal to Scully, he pushed those feelings away. Diana listened to him, smiled at him, complimented him. Accepted him. And god, how he craved that acceptance. They'd talked for a long time that night, finally leaving the Hoover Building and going to Diana's apartment. She'd tossed a meal together, performing magic with leftover chicken and a few vegetables. He found himself remembering how easy it was to be around her. They slept together that night, and if it wasn't thrilling, it was...nice. Comfortable. Familiar. They only repeated the act a couple of times since that night, though they spent a lot of time together. He knew she wanted more. He should have wanted it as well, but he didn't take her up on the unspoken open invitation. Mulder told himself that it was none of Scully's goddamn business what he did on his personal time. He told himself that he was a free agent. He told himself he didn't owe her anything. But he hadn't really thought about what would happen when she found out. Scully had looked as if she'd been pierced through. He hadn't expected that. There had been such distance between them lately; he took full responsibility for the majority of that. But Scully had pulled away first by not supporting him at the hearing, and he'd convinced himself she no longer cared for him the way he cared for her. Obviously, he'd misjudged both Scully and his own feelings. He knew Scully disliked Diana. His partner had made her feelings abundantly clear from the moment Diana Fowley had reentered his life. It had surprised him that Scully had become so defensive in the presence of another strong woman. He thought Scully's confidence was unbounded. To be honest, Diana didn't like Scully either, but Mulder wasn't sure how much of that was a reaction to the attitude that wafted off Scully. Maybe it had to do with the fact they were both strong willed women who were more used to the company of men than other women. Shaking his head, he reached for his coat and left the bullpen. When he reached the lobby, Diana was seated on a bench, her coat folded over her lap and an annoyed expression on her face. He apologized again and she smiled, rising to take his arm. He barely tasted his dinner, barely registered any of Diana's conversation, and barely followed the plot of the movie. His mind was back at the office, seeing Scully's face, playing the scene over and over. *It looks like you'd already made your choice.* But he hadn't chosen Diana over Scully. It was more a matter of Diana offering shelter in the storm that was his life. She didn't fight him every step of the way. Sometimes, he grew weary from the constant uphill fight to get Scully to open her eyes to the truth. Diana was a friend. Diana was comfortable. She accepted him. Diana loved him. It would be so much easier if he loved her back, but he didn't. Not in the way she needed him to. The truth of the matter was, no matter how difficult their relationship, he loved Scully beyond all reason. She didn't give an inch, fought him on every point, had more sharp edges than a porcupine, and he couldn't live without her. The depth of his feelings for her had flooded over him that day in his hallway when she came to tell him she was leaving. On some level, he'd always loved her, probably from the very beginning. Her loyalty and fierce courage had been hard to resist. She had a crush on him back then. Mulder could picture her resolute little face on a moonlit stakeout. He'd been so tempted, but he'd resisted because they had work to do, and he didn't want to get sidetracked. Two abductions, a life threatening illness, several crushing personal losses later and she was still there. She showed up every morning and took her place at his side. Getting sidetracked seemed trivial in the face of all that. He loved her, breathed her. "Fox?" Diana brought him back to the present, where he sat on her sofa with a cup of coffee. She'd invited him up after the movie. Perhaps he should have gone home, but he'd followed her up as if he were hypnotized. "I'm sorry, Diana. What were you saying?" "I asked you if you wanted a piece of cake." Diana's head was tilted to the side as she studied his face. "Oh, no. No thank you. I'm not hungry." "You're still thinking about the office, aren't you?" About the office, about the woman in the office looking at him with hurt in her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm just a little distracted." "Fox...I care about you. You must know that," Diana said, resting her hand on his arm. "It breaks my heart to see you so unhappy." "What makes you think I'm unhappy?" he asked. Avoiding her eyes, he took a sip of his coffee. "You haven't said more than two words all night. You look like you're in pain. Frankly, you're not that good at hiding your feelings. You quarreled with Agent Scully, didn't you?" At his nod, she went on. "About me?" "It doesn't matter, Diana. Please, don't worry about it," he said, covering her hand with his. "This isn't going to work, is it, Fox?" Diana asked, pulling her hand away. "No. I don't suppose it is. It isn't fair to you. You deserve so much more." "I wish you wouldn't decide what I deserve, Fox." Diana sighed, folding her arms around her and settling back against the sofa cushions. "You think you love her..." He nodded, putting his cup on the coffee table. There really wasn't anything more he could say. "I'd better go." *************** She was going to have to work out for an extra hour tomorrow to make up for tonight. Scully lay back against the sofa cushions, a quilt spread over her, watching the closing credits of the movie. The wreckage from both childhood and adult comfort food was strewn on the coffee table: empty containers of Boston Market mashed potatoes and gravy, Haagen-Dazs Praline ice cream, two frozen Snickers bars and a dozen pixy sticks. She felt slightly nauseous looking at the mess. She pulled the quilt up around her, fingering the worn cotton like a toddler with a security blanket. So far, she'd managed to avoid a full-fledged crying jag, but it was just a matter of time. She had to snap out of this funk, certainly before work tomorrow. She was acting like a jealous girlfriend, which was completely ridiculous. Scully had no real claim on Mulder's affection. But she had thought they had an understanding. She'd been in love with Mulder for a long time, maybe from the beginning. Brilliant, troubled, obsessed--he hadn't been an easy man to love. Scully was never one to turn her back on a challenge and Mulder certainly was that. Too bad she was such a lousy liar. A few "I agree completely--you're just brilliant"s and Mulder would be her lap dog instead of Fowley's. Scully kicked her sock-clad feet under the quilt in frustration. What a damn fool she'd been. She'd been spending her evenings alone while he'd been boinking Ms. Torpedo Boobs. The doorbell startled her. Scully tossed off the blanket and went to the front door. Rising up on tiptoes, she peered through the peephole to see Mulder standing there. He looked deadly serious, staring at the door with hands clenched into fists at his sides. "Oh shit," she whispered. She really wasn't up to another confrontation with Mulder and she certainly didn't want to have her nose rubbed in his love affair with Diana Fowley. "What do you want?" she called through the door. "Let me in. Please. I need to talk to you." "Go away, Mulder." "I'm not going to leave until you talk to me." Sighing, she pulled the door open, and Mulder walked into the room. "It's late and I'm tired, Mulder," she said, arms hugging her midsection. He walked past her, then turned to face her. "I can see that," he said, looking down at her blue flannel pajamas. "I promise not to keep you up. Um...can we sit down?" She gestured toward the couch with an exaggerated wave. He sat down, his eyes taking in the evidence of her misery. She fought the urge to pack up the videotapes and clear away all the garbage. Why hide the damage? No point in having false pride now. "I wanted to talk about that happened at the office." "It's none of my business, Mulder. What you do on your own time..." She curled up in the easy chair, tucking her feet under her. "I never meant to hurt you," he said, softly. "That's very comforting," she replied, sarcasm evident in her voice. "I feel so much better now. I don't understand, Mulder. You stood outside your apartment and told me how important I was to the work--to you. You were ready to kiss me. Was that some kind of ploy to keep me from leaving?" "Of course it wasn't. I...I meant everything I said. You do complete me. Scully, I love you." "You love me," she repeated, incredulous. "You love me. Well, sleeping with Diana Fowley is a strange way to show that." "I didn't intend for that to happen. It just did. Things were so bad between us after we lost the X-Files. I was lost..." "And Diana found you." "My life was falling apart. I guess yours was too, but all I could see was my work being ripped out of my hands. I was *this* close to the answers, for all the good they were going to do me. I knew what I'd seen--and you seemed to doubt me." He dropped his head into his hands, and she wondered for a moment if he was crying. She found herself rising and crossing to sit next to him. Her hand moved to rest on his shoulder, almost as if it had a will of its own. "I never doubted you," she said, softly. "I doubted myself. More than anything I've ever wanted in my life, Mulder, I wanted to prove what you'd seen was real. I couldn't trust my own perceptions, so I relied on science to give me the proof the OPR board would accept. And I failed. I couldn't do it." He looked up and she could see the tears glistening in his eyes. "We are a pair, aren't we?" he asked, his voice choked with emotion. She nodded, smiling through her own tears. "I guess we are." "I wish..." he began, shaking his head. "What do you wish, Mulder?" she asked, her voice gentle. "I wish we could just start over. Not pretend it didn't happen, but..." "But?" "Scully, if you'd let me, I would spend the rest of my life showing you how I feel." "I already know how you feel, Mulder. I do." He'd shown her his heart in a thousand ways. Mulder's capacity to love knew no limits. He forgave every fault in those he cared about, opening himself up in ways she could only wonder at. She'd never told him how she felt. She guarded her borders, protected her heart and let him put his feelings on the line. And it was time for that to change. "I love you." His look of surprise at her words broke her heart. She reached up to caress his cheek, her fingers grazing the soft skin and stubble. "I'm sorry I never told you before, Mulder. But I do." He raised his hand to mirror her action and cup her cheek, stroking his thumb lightly over her skin. Slowly, he slid his fingers along her neck to rest over the tiny scar at her hairline. He drew her to him, closer and closer until she could hardly breathe. Their lips met, tentatively at first, and then with all the emotion that lay between them. His mouth was softer than she could have imagined. She felt herself drowning in the sensation of his tongue gently parting her lips. Emboldened, she pressed herself against him. He felt warm and solid through the fabric of her pajamas. Finally, they pulled away from each other, but just a little. She gasped for air, looking into his eyes and smiling at the love she found there. "Let's do it, Mulder. Let's start over." End Challenge elements: 1. The movie "Singles" 2. troll dolls 3. A "blankie" 4. Pixy Stix 5. Free movie passes for two 6. a cake Author's notes: Thanks go to two special ladies, Sybil and Kel, for love and support.