From: SZink22446@aol.com Date: Tue, 18 May 1999 00:34:23 EDT Subject: The Martians are Coming The Martians are Coming! By Eric Otten Rating R Spoilers:None Key words: Parody/Crossover Summary: FBI agents Dan (Ghostly) Scully and Dr. Liz (Foxy) Mulder are after a Martian who has crashed. The creature is being helped by a TV reporter, while another evil but beautiful reporter is also after the story. The fearless agents can't fail, unless paperwork gets in the way! First of all, this story has absolutely no relationship whatsoever to the current X-Files or My Favorite Martian movies, or to any TV Show past or present. If it does, well, I am only borrowing characters. For those who may unfortunately have missed the previous 32 thrilling chapters, here is a brief synopsis. A Martian has crash landed on our planet. In exchange for his help in rebuilding the space ship, the Martian has agreed to let Tom O'Toole, the TV reporter who found him, record his visit to broadcast after the Martian has safely left our primitive Planet. They need 22.4 pounds of enriched uranium to power the ship (as well as 200 kilos of licorice candy, which the Martian hopes to sell on Mars, as Martians are addicted to the stuff). After them are a couple of FBI agents, Mr. Dan (Ghosty) Scully and Dr. Liz (Foxy) Mulder, who are trying to capture the Martian to prove that the truth is out there. The villain is Tom's rival at the TV station -- the incredibly well endowed and bitchy, daughter of the owner of half the TV stations on the West Coast, Miss Tricia Talbot, who is trying to steal the story and the tapes. After many thrilling and breakneck adventures, Tom and his Martian comrade get the Uranium. The FBI agents are foiled, as they forgot to turn in their expense reports and have been called back to Washington to fill out 212,016 pages of paperwork. ***************** All seemed well! They were putting in the Uranium, when Tricia came over to 'visit'. Poor Tom, even though he knew she was an evil woman on the inside, still had hopes of getting inside that body himself! These lusts were, of course, against the advice of the Martian (the creature had to disguise himself with a series of masks bought from costume shops; currently he is wearing a Bill Clinton mask, under the theory that people will believe anything from the lips of a person who looks likes like this). Tom stared lustfully at the incredibly beautiful, well endowed Tricia. She was carrying a bottle of champagne. "A Peace offering," she cooed, with enough sex and sugar to cause both cardiac arrest and diabetes. Tricia opened the bottle, and the wine came pouring out. Tom thought, 'I know just how the bottle feels!' He was hard already. With her long black hair, perfect face and figure (great tits and ass! She was Miss TV news last year) Tricia was, frankly, irresistible. "I don't know if I can trust you, Tricia?" Tom wondered. She giggled, "What can a poor, defenseless woman like Moi do against a BIG STRONG MAN LIKE YOU?" (She affected a fake French accent.) Tricia turned her back and wiggled her great tush. While Tom was staring at that, she put knock out drops in his glass. The floor came up and hit Tom pretty darn hard. When he came to, Tricia was gone, and so were his tapes and disks! The Martian bent over him and helped Tom up. "Why did I trust her? Oh, why? Now the bitch has stolen my story, she's going to break it before my friend the Martian has a chance to leave! What an idiot I am!" "True," said the Martian, "but that's split Guppsphkght! We've got to get them back." When they got to the studio, they found Tom couldn't get in, as Tricia had asked her doltish, doting daddy to bar him from the studio. Also, the Martian discovered that only Tricia could get the tapes from the vault with her finger and voice print. She was due to go on live at 8PM with a special report. "We're doomed!" groaned Tom. "Why did I do my thinking with my dick? Why?" "Let's go to Tricia's house," chimed in the Martian. "There's a trick or three up my three sleeves." ********************** Unbeknownst to our intrepid heroes, the FBI agents were back on the trail. They had completed their paperwork from software they downloaded from the Internet, which made Government computers fill out their own forms! Foxy Mulder spoke in her breathless, sexy voice, "Scully, are you sure we should be following them? One looks like the President!" Dan Scully sighed, "The truth is not only out there - but it's hitting you right in the face! Haven't you noticed the President seems to have three arms?" "Now that you mention it," Mulder replied, sounding all the more foxy, "that does seem a little strange." ********************** When Tom and the Martian got to Tricia's mansion, they had to subdue the security guards. The Martian used a form of Martian Martial arts, the knee pinch. It makes you run away from the pincher as you think you owe him money! Tricia looked up, her visage absolutely stunning, wearing a red dress with a neckline that plunged so low that it could drill for oil. "You?!? Well, you idiots will never get away with this! The tape is safe in daddy's studio! Only Moi can get at it!" "I know," said the Martian calmly. He aimed a strange devise at her, and a beam shot out which enveloped the beautiful young woman. For a moment, she stood there inert, then ran her hands over her lush body. "GYRTPMP!, do I feel strange, Tom," came from her lips. "Martian?" Tom queried. Tricia grinned, "In the flesh!" She staggered over in the high heels, the mind inside the body not yet allowing the body to do what it does naturally, and took the device from the unmoving tentacles of the 'Martian'. "You traded bodies with Tricia. Hot Damn!" said Tom. He looked at his friend's new body. "Er, do you think we have time -" He started fondling the sexy body. Despite himself, the Martian got hot, but said, "Tom, get a hold of yourself! We have no time for this; maybe later, though? As an AH scientist, I think it might be worthwhile exploring human sexuality." Tom reluctantly turned to the body of the Martian, and said, "What about him? her? it?" The mouth of the alien vainly tried to form words, and fell flat on its face, breaking the Clinton mask. "Tricia lacks the intellectual power to operate my body. Even in her own body, she was lucky to make correct change. We have evolved so far beyond the pathetic human race, that to even speak or operate the complex mechanism that is our fleshy envelope, takes more intellect than most human's could attain. She's safe enough. After getting the tapes and getting your job back, I will return to my wonderful body and trade back." The Martian crawling on the floor sighed with relief. Scully and Mulder observed Tom and 'Tricia' leaving. Mulder observed that she was staggering in the high heels as she got into her Ferrari. "Did you notice, Scully, that she had trouble walking? I wonder what that means? Scully!" Furious, she turned to her partner, "Couldn't take your eyes off her tits, huh?!" He flushed. "If you don't keep your eyes off other women, you will really be a ghost, because I am going to kill you!" Hurriedly, he changed the subject. "This is our great chance, I'll search the mansion, while you search O'Toole's place. Keep in touch, the --" "Yeah, I know, the truth is out there! But what the fuck makes you think our government or people in general give a rats ass about the truth?!" The man flushed, then sputtered, "Mulder, your language!" The foxy woman just snorted and sped off, while Scully snooped through the grounds. Picking the lock on the back door, Scully stared agape at the grotesque three armed alien watching reruns of Gilligan's Island. The visitors must be lower on the evolutionary scale than he expected! It was the stupid episode where a mad scientist swaps bodies. Isn't that silliest damned plot, he thought, as he wondered how to cuff a three armed creature. After Scully let loose a giggle he couldn't suppress, the alien turned and looked imploringly at him, mumbling something in an unknown language. Triumphantly, he called Foxy Mulder on the cell phone. "So you found a three armed Martian, huh?," Foxy replied. "Well, everything is pretty normal at O'Toole's." "Normal?" said Ghostly Scully, disappointed. "Yep, that is, if you ignore a space ship in the garage!" "Great work you foxy thing!" Mulder just purred, "I also found the missing shipment of licorice!" She just loved the stuff. Meanwhile, unaware of this disaster, Tom and 'Tricia' were walking up to the studio safe. The apparent Tricia put her finger (the middle one) up to the safe and said 'her' name and the safe opened! Great! They had the tapes and the disks, and were walking away when Tricia's big fat daddy walked up and gave his protesting 'daughter' a bear hug. The Martian submitted with bad grace. "I'm so proud of my little girl!" Tom whispered to the Martian, "I hope he didn't damage the device to switch you back?" The incredibly beautiful girl sighed with relief as she took it out from the huge cavity between her gorgeous breasts. "No, it's Okay!" She then took a few steps in the five inch heels and tripped. The irreplaceable mind switching devise went skidding across the floor. Daddy came back puffing excitedly and his large size 14EE foot came down and CRUNCH! They looked at each other, and Tricia started crying. "Don't cry dear, daddy will replace it!" The Martian rolled her big, beautiful eyes skyward. "As if!" "Well, I've got BIG NEWS - the FBI has captured the Martian!" "What?!?" Tom and Tricia shouted in unison. "Yeah, believe it or not, at our house, Tricia!" Mr. Talbot said. "The creature seems pretty brainless." "Ain't it the truth!" said Tricia, crying some more. "Also," he added, "they found the spaceship in your garage, O'Toole! Now, both the Martian and his ship are on their way to Area 51 under a maximum security escort. Look you two, you better bury your feud. Kiss and make up, and share the story." Tom and Tricia stared at each other. The incredibly endowed Tricia Talbot stared out of TV screens all over the world, and smiled and said, "So this is Tricia Talbot and Tom O'Toole, signing off with one of the great stories of our time, the one the government tried in vain to suppress!" A cheer went around the studio - it was rating and Pulitzer time. Impulsively, Tom kissed Tricia, who stared at him in surprise, her breasts heaving. Epilog. One year later. Foxy Mulder stared with disgust at her red headed partner. "Give it up Scully, the Martian is just too fucking dumb to learn English!" "You're probably right, damn it, Foxy! I just can't figure out how they built space ships!" "Maybe they got them in a box of intergalactic crackerjacks!" He laughed. "As good an explanation as any. From all our tests, this creature is bimbo dumb." "Forget it for a while, come on back to my place for some hot and heavy sex," said Foxy Mulder. "You're on!" said Scully, flushing to the roots of his red hair. The former beautiful and rich Tricia Talbot reflected on how unfair life was, trapped forever, tortured and tormented as a creature from outer space, while the body stealing creature was blazingly using her body to do the 6 o'clock news! And from the notes she stole, she knew that Martians lived three hundred years! Three hundred years of this! "Mughtyffhghg!" she said - vainly trying to say 'life really sucks!' Meanwhile, in what had been Tricia's mansion, Mr. And Mrs. O'Toole, winners of the Nobel and Pulitzer prizes, were nestled together on the couch. Tom grinned lustfully at his gorgeous young wife. "Come here and give me a kiss, my favorite Martian, you!" She giggled and complied with enthusiasm. There were advantages to this body after all - lots of advantages! The End