From: Louise Kingwood Date: Thu, 16 Apr 1998 22:27:06 -0700 (PDT) Subject: "A Matter of Faith" Title: "A Matter of Faith" Author: Louise Kingwood E-mail address: l_kingwood@yahoo.com Rating: PG Category: SA Spoilers: Revelations, minor Beyond the Sea spoiler Keywords: Mulder/Scully UST Summary: Mulder's answer to the question "How is it you can go out on a limb whenever you see a light in the sky . . . ?" Disclaimer: The characters Fox Mulder and Dana Scully do not belong to me. They belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and FOX Brodcasting. I am not making any money by using these characters. Author's notes: I know this subject has probably been covered before, but since this episode was just shown again recently in the US, I decided to add my two cents. Also, this idea has been running around in my head for a while now. I, like Scully, truly wondered *why* Mulder had such a hard time believing in things like miracles or in some sort of a "Higher Power". Then, I guess you could say I had my *own* "revelation", and this story is what came out of it. Oh, and I'm taking a complete stab in the dark with Fox's age when his parents divorced, so please don't flame me for inaccuracies. Warning: Angst Alert!! If you don't like angst and choose to read this anyway, please don't flame me. I *did* warn you. Feedback is always welcome. Any kind of constructive criticism is appreciated. Flames, on the other hand, are *not* appreciated and will be ignored. Distribute anywhere you like as long as you keep my name and e-mail address with it and you ask me before you do. Once again, this is dedicated to Sally Bradstreet and Anne Vermillion, two of the best friends and beta-readers anyone could ask for. "A Matter of Faith" by Louise Kingwood Special Agent Fox Mulder shifted around in his seat, trying to get comfortable. He wasn't sure why he was having trouble relaxing on this flight back to D.C. He looked over at his partner, Dana Scully, and saw she was already dozing lightly. From the look of her, he guessed she nodded off a few minutes after the plane had been airborne. Usually, he too would be getting some much needed rest on the trip home after a case, but his body was betraying him, not letting him settle long enough to close his eyes. Maybe it was trying to fit his body into the cramped space of an airplane seat. Or, maybe it was the uncomfortable direction his thoughts were taking. Or, to be truly honest with himself, where his thoughts had been this entire case. He looked over at the woman next to him and thought back to their conversation in the motel room, just before Kevin had been kidnapped. She had asked him "How is it you can go out on a limb whenever you see a light in the sky, but you're unwilling to accept the possibility of a miracle? Even when it's right in front of you?" He cringed inwardly at the incredulous tone in her voice; that he, the believer, could become so skeptical when it came to something like this. And, he let himself admit, the hurt he had heard there, as well. The same kind of hurt she had shown after telling him about believing in what Luther Lee Boggs had to say. He abandoned the idea of comfort and turned his attention to the view outside the window. he thought. But, if he was again honest with himself, how could she? Her family had been strong in it's faith. The Mulders, at best, had been lapsed Protestants. And while as a boy he had believed in the existence of God, there was no mention of Him in the Mulder house. There were services at Christmas and Easter, but no prayers. No Grace beofre meals, nothing said at bedtime, other than a "Go get into your pajamas." or a simple "Goodnight, Fox." But even though there was no nurturing of his faith, young Fox Mulder believed in God. Believed in His existence. Believed that He answered everybody's prayers, even though you may not have known that they had been answered. He had believed for all of his young life, ever since he was old enough to understand who and what God was. Until that faith was broken. he wondered, a little surprised as he realized that he had never really thought about it before. The automatic response he gave himself was But the more he thought about it, the more he came to the conclusion that it hadn't been that night in November. It had come later, because at that time, he still believed enough to pray for her return. And pray he did. Every night, before he went to sleep. When he woke up in the morning. Even the time it took walking to and from school was filled with prayer. He prayed long and hard for Sam to come back. But she didn't. But still, Fox Mulder had faith. So he continued to pray, not as often as before, because he thought maybe God was getting annoyed with hearing from him so much. He just said a prayer at night and one in the morning. He always kept it simple. "Please, God. Bring my sister back home." As time went on, and he got older, Fox became aware of the state his parents' marriage was in. He saw his father retreat more and more into the bottle. He saw the cold hatred in his mother's eyes when she looked at Bill Mulder. He realized that something had to be done. He also realized that at the age of fourteen, there wasn't much he could do. So he once again turned to God, and the prayer was added to. "Please, God. Bring my sister back home. Please, don't let my parents split up." It came to him then, the comfort, or lack of comfort, in his seating arrangement forgotten in his musings. With his eiditic memory, he remembered the day he stopped believing. He had come home from school like any other day, but something was different. Packed suitcases were standing by the door. At the time, he didn't think much of it. Maybe his father had to go off again. He didn't let himself wonder that, if that were the reason, why were there more suitcases standing there than his father ever used? He went upstairs to put his things away, then came back down to start his homework. His mother was sitting in the living room. She wasn't doing anything, just sitting there, like she was waiting for something. She looked up as he walked in the room. He went over and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She smiled at him then and asked how his day was. He was right in the middle of telling her about some stunt a kid in his English class pulled, when his father walked through the front door. There was a pause as he took in the sight of the suitcases. He then calmly walked into the living room and asked, "Teena? What's going on?" It was then that Fox Mulder heard the last words he had ever wanted to hear. Teena Mulder looked her husband in the eye and told him "I'm leaving Bill, and I'm taking Fox with me." She then stood up and placed her hand on Fox's shoulder to propel him forward. They stopped at the foot of the stairs. She told him to go back up and get his books. He was too stunned to argue with her and did as she said. Nothing more was spoken by her while they were there, even though his father ranted and raved the entire time. Fox came back downstairs again, put on his jacket, and helped his mother with the luggage. He remembered his father's last words that day. "Fine. If that's the way you want it, then that's the way it'll be." And he shut the door behind them. The second he heard the lock click shut at their backs, that was when Fox Mulder lost his faith in God. he thought, coming back to the present, a touch of anger coloring his thoughts. But maybe he *did* have that power, maybe he *was* strong enough. How was it that a God who was supposed to love His children, chose not to care enough about one young boy whose heart had been broken? That was why he had lost his faith. God had betrayed him. It was the same kind of betrayal of trust his father had shown. But at least his father had tried to make amends before he died. So far, God hadn't bothered. It was then that he realized that his thoughts had occupied the entire flight back to Washington. They were almost ready to land, and Scully was waking up. As he looked at her, he mulled over his thoughts and decided that he wanted - no, *needed* - to talk to her about this. He needed to try and get her to understand why he felt the way he did. A new thought then struck him. After the way he had acted throughout this whole case, would she *want* him to explain? That thought nearly paralyzed him with fear. That this woman - his partner, his best friend, the person he trusted more than anyone - might not want to listen. Might not want him to try and explain his actions in Loveland, Ohio. He might have hurt her enough that she wouldn't want to hear what he had to say. And that scared him even more, because the last person he'd ever want to hurt was Dana Scully. The plane came to a stop at the gate, and his body went into automatic pilot, putting his coat on and getting his carry-ons together. It was a good thing this was second nature to both of them, because if he had to think about what he was doing, he'd never get off that plane. His mind too busy replaying those thoughts of "What if . . . ?" Or, the worst one he could think of, These thoughts raced around in his head like demented greyhounds as his feet propelled him down the ramp and into the terminal. He couldn't keep his fears from getting the best of him as they claimed their luggage. All the way out to her car, he kept stealing worried glances at her, and if she noticed, she gave no indication. The entire drive back to his apartment was filled with his mental ramblings. Only, instead of "What if?" they had changed to "Why would she want to?" As they turned to corner to his apartment, he took one last look at her - his partner, his best friend, the person he trusted more than anyone - and he had his answer. It was the same thing that kept her going over the past few days. It was the same thing that made her go into that recycling center alone. And it was the same thing he thought he had lost forever. He was still looking at her as she switched off the ignition and turned to face him. All the fears and doubts and "What if's?" and his own questions of why she did what she did faded before a simple realization. It was just a matter of faith. With a confidence he hadn't felt for a while, he opened his mouth to speak. "Hey, Scully? D'you mind coming up for a few minutes? I need to talk to you about something . . . "