From: Kate Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1998 22:03:58 -0700 Subject: Me (1/1) by Kate ~Me~ by Kate < just a lil Scully vignette that popped into my head one night... ~~~~~~~~~~ I remember... I remember being a child and saying "When I grow up..." It changed. I wanted to be a teacher... in the navy... a pilot... a vet... the usual things a child dreams of. When I was eight I decided I wanted to be a doctor. I remember saying once at school "My name's Dana, and when I grow up I want to be a doctor and help people." It's funny, that. That day I was so certain who I was, what I was, what I wanted to be. It all seemed so simple. But it's not so simple any more. Who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I want to be? I used to be able to answer those questions quickly, without hesitation, but now I don't think I even know the answers. Who am I? I'm Scully. Dana. Dana Scully. Which one of those? I can't be all three at once. I can't be Scully, the dutiful, hard-hearted Ice-Queen FBI agent, Dana, the woman who's been through more heartbreak than I could ever have imagined, *and* Dana Scully, the person, daughter of Bill and Maggie Scully, who payes her taxes and works hard and tries to live a normal life. Normal. Hardly the word I'd use to describe me, myself, my life. But then, what is normality? I don't think I even know any more. For me normality is waking up every morning not knowing whether I'm going to lose Mulder or not. Whether I'm going to lose another member of my family in a war I don't know if I even want to be fighting, don't know who I'm fighting against, and don't know how to make it all just stop and leave me alone. Sometimes I think I'm going to go crazy, but then I just remind myself that if I did Mulder would have nobody to keep him sane. Hell, maybe Mulder and I'll just end up going insane together. What was it Mulder said once? 'Sometimes the only sane response in an insane world is insanity.' That's really stuck with me, and the more I work with Mulder and the more we discover about the truth and everything else in this tangle, the more I think about it. The more I think that I am giong crazy, trying to cope with this. I never expected this when I signed up for the FBI. I thought I'd be investigating, chasing criminals, astounding my superiors with my genius. Boy, was I wrong. To this day I still don't know why they put me with Mulder. I mean, why me? In my darker moments I've even wished that they hadn't, that being partnered with Mulder has cost me my life. My sister. But as soon as I think that I regret it. Because this crusade is now just as much mine as it is Mulder's. And as I told him, I can't give up. I won't. Because I know that in the end we will find the truth. We must. To die without finding the truth and exposing the lies would make our work pointless. We can't let that happen. We have to find the truth. We must. We will. We must. Who do I want to be? This is hard... I can't even decide who I am.. how can I decide who I want to be? I don't want to be the saviour of the universe, the person who saves all of mankind. And yet, strangely enough, it seems that that's what Mulder and I have turned into. It's us against the bad guys. Being a superheros was never actually one of my ambitions. But Mulder and I are superheroes. We never get killed by the bad guys, and yet we never seem to kill then either. It just goes on and on and on and on, fighting little battles, retreating, wounded, only to battle again the next day. I hate it, and yet I won't give in. I refuse to let them win. Who am I? I'm Dana Katherine Scully, and I'm thirty four years old. I'm thirty four years old and my job is my life. My life is my job. My job is with Mulder. Mulder is my life. Who do I want to be? I want to be a human being. How can I achieve that? I don't know. I don't feel like a human being. I don't seem to feel much at all these days. I feel fear, I feel sorrow, and I feel lonliness. No happiness, no cheerfulness, no joy at life and living. I want to feel these things. I want to feel alive. Looking back, I always took feeling like that for granted. But now, with the weight of the fate of the world resting on my shoulders, I don't have the luxury of being happy and loving and of enjoying life. Who do I want to be? I want to be someone who has people who care about them, and I want to care about people. But the truth is that I don't care any more. I care only about Mulder, my mom. I can't afford to care more than that. Who do I want to be? I want to be Dana Katherine Scully, the woman. I want a life, a career, a lover, a husband, a child. I want to know that when I die I will have done something - made a difference. I don't want to die and have nobody care. What do I want to be? I want to be an FBI agent. I want to be a doctor. I want to be a wife, a mother. I want to be Mulder's partner, I want to be an investigator. I want to be a helper, a leader, a followed, a nurturer. I want to be someone. I want to be. And at the moment, I am nothing. My name is Dana Katherine Scully, and when I grow up I want to be a human being, with feelings and the freedom and ability to express these feelings. When I grow up. When I grow up. But I am all grown up. So where did I go wrong? ~end~