From: Rebecca Rocha Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 23:02:40 -0500 Subject: REPOST: MELTDOWN Meltdown AUTHOR: Rebecca R. aka Xfnatc RATING: PG-13 CATEGORY: Mulder & Scully romance DISCLAIMER: You know the drill. Mulder & Scully and all related characters belong to Chris Carter, Tenthirteen Productions, and Fox Network. Any graphics are my creations, please do not copy and use without e-mailing me first. ARCHIVE: If you like it, I'd be honored. Just let me know. O.K. This is my first posted story. It's basically a short throw-away romance, but I really need feedback. Please take me under your collective wing, but try to keep any criticism constructive. Thanks !!! MELTDOWN Scully sat at her desk, typing furiously. Quiting time had come and gone a couple of hours ago. Her shoulders and back ached with the strains of the day. Her eyes were red and irritated. She was sporting several scrapes and bruises that she failed to tell Mulder about. Scully stopped long enough to rub her tired eyes, then resumed typing. They had been lucky today. They had tracked the perp for a week, weaving a case from the seemingly inconsecuential breadcrumbs left for them to follow. Now she was tying up loose ends, glossing over the stranger aspects of the case, and stressing the hard forensic evidence that would hold the case together in court. She reached back in vain to try and knead her tired muscles. She stared blankly at the screen, the words she had just typed swimming out of focus before her. Her thoughts turned inward." How many times have I been right here" she thought "tying up the loose ends of some bizzare case." True, they had solved this one ,as they had so many others. But when she looked at it objectivly, she wondered if it had brought them any closer to their goals. " Their goals!" She smiled a little bit at the thought. She had been using 'we' and 'they' more, and more in her thoughts and conversations. She had long since quit pretending that Mulder's goals hadn't become her own. They had been united, not by what they had gained, but by what they had lost. Mulder had lost his father, his sister, his faith in God and country, and a promising career. Scully had lost her sister, her daugter, and her career was quickly plunging down the toilet. They had tried to take her life but she had fought and won the battle on that. Unfortunatly, nothing she or Mulder had done had been able to save her daughter. Emily.... Memories came flooding back in an uncontrollable rush. Seeing Emily for the first time... Sitting on the floor with her and watching her draw... Emily in the hospital; watching her in the MRI machine... Each burst of sound shooting into Scully's heart, like an M-16...Her family's disbelief, then quiet support...Mulder's lies,meant to protect her, but only hurting her more...The funeral, opening the casket to find only dirt, and her small gold cross...Mulder gently leading her away... She literally had to grit her teeth against the onslaught of memories that had slipped out of the depths in wich they had been buried. Tears spilled from her tired eyes, causing them to burn. Her hand covered her mouth, cutting off the involuntary moan that threatened to escape her lips. Hoplessness consumed her, wiping out her happiness, her hope, and her reemerging faith in God. Her insides were a pile of twisted rubble, blasted by the strength of her grief. Since Emily had died, she felt like she had fallen down a dark cold well, and was screaming soundlesly for someone to rescue her. " Thats it!" She said, slamming the casefile shut, "I'm done for tonight." Scully grabbed her things and hurried through the dark, deserted halls of the Federal Building. She pulled her mind from the past, and concentrated on getting home. She eagerly covered her despair with thoughts of relaxation, and a bubble bath... She had been taking lots of long, hot bubble baths lately. As if they could cleanse away the stress of her job, and soothe the bad memories that had been plaguing her. Scully hurried home, she fixed herself a simple meal, and rushed through her nightly chores. Finally, after deciding her house was in order, she prepared for her bath. For Scully bathing was almost a religious experience. Candles illuminated the soft blue tile walls of the bathroom, casting her huge, freestanding, cast-iron tub in a warm, soothing glow. She filled the tub with a hot torrent of water, adding freesia scented bubble-bath, as she did so. Satisfied with the rising level of the bubbles, she began to undress. As she did, she began examining the cuts and bruises she had received earlier that day. The worst one by far was the long, nasty, purple, bruise already forming on her calf. She was just glad Mulder hadn't seen her, as she tripped on the stairs she had been running down, and rolled uncerimoniously down to the landing. She began to critiqe herself as she stood in the glowing light. She had good skin, though a part of her wished she didn't have freckles. She was athletic, but not necessarily muscular. She turned and examined her profile. Right now she was thin, but her weight tended to fluctuate a little. She wished for about three more inches in height, but she really wasn't that short. Mulder just made her look that way. Her breasts were small but proportional. She noticed, with pride, that the sagging weight of time had not found them yet. They still kept teir college era perkiness. She cupped them breifly, gently running her hands down to her soft, red, curly, nether region. She smiled indulgently; Mulder had often wondered if she dyed her hair. In the soft light it shone like burnished copper. Only her wounds marred her appearence. " Oh well," she shrugged to herself, " the bruises will go away, but what about the rest?" She knew that there were emotions raging deep inside her, but on the surface, she only felt drained and dissconnected. The tornado of feeling inside her, turned into a hot, dry, dust devil, by the time it reached the surface. She felt like she and Mulder were turning endlessly inside it. Her budding faith in God had withered away in the hot desolate desert of her grief. Shaking off these thoughts she went quickly over the cold tiles , and stepped into the hot soothing waters. Slowly, luxuriously, she sank, untill only her nose poked out from the bubbles. She stayed that way a long time..... Later, Scully sat wrapped in her white terry robe, sipping hot tea and watching the late movie. She had curled up on the couch, and was just starting to get good and drowsy, when a knock at the door snapped her to attention. She jumped. "Who is it?" she yelled as she headed tward the door. She peered through the keyhole. " It's me, Muld....." The door swung open, reavealing Scully in a white terry robe, and wet hair. " Mulder it's midnight." Scully stated in accusation. " Yeah, but I was pretty sure you'd be up." " What do you want?" was her terse reply. Mulder hesitated, then stepped inside. She hadn't invited him in, but he would be dammed if he was going to stand in the hall like a fool. He turned to face her. " I just came by to see if you were all right." He reached out, and to her surprise he ran his fingers through her wet hair, then abruptly stopped and walked tward the kitchen. Scully watched him as he went. " I'm fine,in fact, I was just getting ready to go to bed." Mulder looked at her seriously, ignoring her irritation. " Your lying." he said, finally. Scully was a bit taken aback by his acusation, but she let it slide. " I said I'm fine." She sighed, resigning herself to his intrusion. " Do you want some hot tea?" Mulder nodded. Scully got her mug and headed for the kitchen, " Sit down, I'll be there in a second." Mulder dutifully went to her couch, and sat down, turning so that he could see her as she bustled about. It occured to him that she looked differrent, though he couldn't pinpoint why. It hit him finally, when she approached, tea cups in hand. " What?" Scully said, noticing that he was staring at her, open mouthed. " Your not wearing any..." He reached up and touched his face, then gestured to hers. "...makeup." Scully's eyes narrowed " And!" Mulder looked embarrassed " Nothing," he said, as color krept up his neck and spread accross his cheeks. " It's just, I don't ever remember seein you without *any* makeup." Scully smiled "Well, if I would have known you were comming, I would have been prepared." " You wouldn't have let me come, if you had known I was comming." She nodded in agreement. " God forbid, that I should keep you from comming." she teased. Mulder couldnt take his eyes off of her face. Without makeup, Scully looked more frail than she normally did, but also, more beautiful. Her lips were moist and full, and a soft fleshy pink. Her skin was pale and dotted with frekles. Her little mole that she so meticulously covered at work was clearly visible. Her eyes were deep pools of clear azure. Their blue brilliance framed only by her long, red, natural lashes. In a word, she was breathtaking. " Drink your tea before it gets cold." Scully commanded. She didn't know what had gotten into Mulder, but his intense scrutiny was making her nervous. She was tired, and as much as she loved Mulder's company, she really wanted him to leave. " O.K. Mulder so you've come to check on me, and as you can see I'm fine." Mulder just reached out, and flipped back the bottom corner of her robe. Scully quickly pulled it back down, but it was too late, he had already seen it. She could see hurt and anger flash in his eyes. " You call that fine!" Mulder leaned in close, " I saw you Scully, you were limping when you came out of that stairwell. I could tell you were in pain. Your just so damn hardheaded!" Mulder's voice cracked. " What made you feel like you had to cover that up?" " Mulder I..." She couldnt find the words. She hung her head and shrugged. Mulder's voice turned gentle, " Scully, after all these years, you know I wouldn't patronize you. I just feel you need to let me know what's going on in your head sometimes." He lifted her head, his fingers holding her gently under the chin. His thumb traced the contour of her cheekbone. " You just seem so sad lately, and alone. When you got hurt, it upset me that you wouldn't even tell me." Mulders gentle words, and amiable manner was loosening the emotions inside her. She fought hard to keep back the tears trying to well up inside her. She *was* sad, and she *did* feel alone. She was tired of fighting it. One tear escaped and tumbled on to Mulder's hand, which was still holding her head up. Scully's voice was shakey but she tried to explain. " I'm sorry Mulder. I'm just having a hard time right now. I felt like the last thing I needed was for you to be worrying about me instead of catching the bad guy." Mulder chuckled, giving her head a playfull shake. She was breaking his heart, sitting there so forlornly, but he tried not to show it. " I caught the *bad guy*, and I was worrying about you anyway." Scully tried to smile, but it came out more like a grimace. Two more tears slipped out and came tumbling down. She looked deep into Mulder's green eyes. They were clouded with worry and concern. His fingers began to trace the contour of her chin, in long placid strokes. " Why have you been so sad Scully?" His voice was butter. His other hand reached for her shoulder, then thought the better of it. He grabbed her hand instead and gave it a squeeze. His other hand stopped tracing her chin, and came to rest, strong and warm against her neck. Scully was a little overwehlmed with his closeness. She had always been attracted to Mulder, but she had always been able to hide it under professional decorum. Over the years they had formed a bond that had become stronger, and more fulfilling than anything either of them had ever experienced. That decorum was nowhere to be found at this moment. His touch brought forth the overwhelmingly raw emotions that she had repressed for so long, Reconnecting her with the open wound of her bleeding soul. She tried to tell him why, but all that came out was a sob. Instead of pouring out her heart, she buried her face in his chest and cried. Mulder, shocked at his partners lack of composure, did the only thing he could do. He put his arms around her, held her tight and rocked her, and stroked her hair and back. He spoke soothing nonsense to her, and kissed her hair and so on... Slowly Scully's sobs turned to hitches, and her hitches to sniffles, and finally she quieted. They stayed that way for quite a while, arms wrapped tightly around one another. The perfect moment was broken when Scully's selfconciousness finally kicked in, and she pulled away. She could see Mulder's eyes shining with shared tears. She wanted nothing more than to feel his strong arms around her again, and his lips kissing away her tears. Instead, she excused herself, and went to wash her face. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, her face was blotchy and red. Her hair was frizzy and sticking out in peculiar places, she could sum her appearence up in one word, hellacious. Despite her appearence, as she splashed water on her face and ran a brush through her hair, she realized she felt better than she had in weeks. She still felt like shit, but she had recconnected with her emotions. It was a starting point that she could work from, and with Mulder's help, deal with the feelings she had dissconnected herself from for so long. It was a scary step for her. She had come a long way from the person she had been in college. That person had been lively, ambitious, and worn her emotions on her sleeve for everyone to see. She had come to see that period of her life as an emotional mess, and had hated the lost helplessness, and uncontrolability of her pesonal life. At some point she had taken control, and had focused all her energies on her career, relegating her softer, emotional, side to a small part of her rigidly controlled environment. She was smart enough to realize, of late, that the more she tried to control her emotions, the more out of contol they got. She checked herself in the mirror, with a crooked grin. Mulder was certainly seeing her at her worst, and he wasn't running away.... When she got back, she saw that Mulder had brewed a pot of coffee. She laughed, in spite of herself. " Hot tea's not really your thing, is it?" Mulder smiled back and handed her a steamy cup. They stood in the kitchen, comfortably silent, sipping coffee. Mulder was not really sure what he was doing here. He had been really angy at her lack of honesty with him. He had sat, for a couple of hours, angrily mulling it over in his mind. At some point, he decided instead of turning different scenarios around in his head, he would march over there and call her out on it. He would go to the ends of the earth for her, and she knew it. But he'd be damned if he let her put their lives in danger due to a lack of communication. He had been totally unprepared for her vunerable condition when he got here. It had thrown him totally off. Scully was known as the " Iron Maiden ", she was tougher than he was. Early on, she had nipped any chance of romance in the bud, whith her almost obsessive professionalism. Unfortunatly for him, it couldn't change the condition of his heart, he had fallen for her years ago. He had given her the respect she deserved, and instead, had worked hard to deepen their proffesional and personal friendship. He'd contented himself with loving her from afar. You couldn't work so closely with someone, for so long, without getting to know them rather intimatly. Over the years he had seen small cracks in her emotional armor, showing him the kind-spirited and loving woman underneath. Still, he had never seen anything like her outpouring of emotion tonight. It suggested that there was alot, that even he, didn't know about her. Scully sat her cup down and began to speak. " Mulder, I,m really sorry for the way I have been acting. I've been having trouble putting Melissa and Emily's death behind me. Works been hard enough, as it is, and I don't want to burden you with my problems. You have had so many of your own." Mulder tried to interrupt her, but she cut him off. " Please, let me finish." She looked misrerable; Mulder realized it was the first time in a while that she had shown any real emotion. He leaned against her kitchen counter and let her speak. Scully took another sip of coffee, and continued.... " It's just..." Se tried to find the words. " With each new X-File, even if we solve it, we seem to stay just out of reach of our ultimate goals. I feel like were swimming upstream, and no matter how much harder we swim, we still stay in the same place. And, if we let up any, we get swept away with the current! I feel like we *are* being swept away... right under the rug." Her voice cracked. she was near tears again. Mulder stepped close and put his arms lightly around her; she didnt even seem to notice. " I want so much, to bring those people to justice, who have taken so much from us!" Mulder pulled her body close to his. Scully gave in and laid her head on his chest. She shut her eyes, and exhaled in a long slow breath. 'God this feels so good.' she thought. She wished he would hold her forever. Mulder stroked her hair, " I feel the same way Scully." He kissed the top of her head. " I fight feeling all the time." His hands came up and slowly and began to knead the tired muscles in her shoulders. His hands spread out with long languid strokes. " I also fight the guilt of having dragged another person into this web that I've been caught in; especially someone I care so much about." Scully looked up at him. She could see his heart in his eyes, and she was blown away at the fusion reactor of emotions that burned within them. " Even if we can't prove it right now, we've gotten so close, Scully! The puzzle peices are starting to come together, and somewhere out there is the peice that will complete the picture and bring it all into focus." Scully looked hopefull, wishing the passion of his beleifs would rub off on her. " You sound so sure." " I have to be." He kissed her forehead. " If you can trust me, then I'll be sure for both of us...that is, untill you find your own faith to go on." Mulder faltered. She stood comfortably within the protective circle of his arms, her face raised tward his. Her peircing blue eyes shown with pain, and hope. Her lips were slightly parted, and Mulder was drawn to their silky texture. Before a concious thought could tell him otherwise his lips were on hers, and his brain became lost in a hailstorm of desire. Scully had seen the change in Mulder's face as he went from caring friend, to something altogether dangerous. Before she could pull away to a safe distance, Mulder bent down and kissed her. In that one moment, all the walls they had built between each other finally crumbled away. At first Mulder's kiss was chaste, lips pressed softly to lips, but his desire was hungry and his mouth wanted to taste more. His tongue slipped cautiously into Scully's mouth, as if he was amazed that she hadn't laid him out on the floor yet. Her eyes widened, and she tried to pull away, but she was trapped. Mulder's grip on her tightened, and he pressed her roughly against the cabnetry. Timid no longer, Mulder's glutinous tongue greedily tasted her. His hands traveled over her body, slipping inside her robe. To his amazement and her amusement, he discovered that all this time, she had been wearing nothing but panties under her robe. Scully felt her long dulled senses come alive as Mulder's strong hands left trails of fire in their wake. All thoughts of work, and consequences were obliterated. She had loved this man a long time, and the time had come to open her heart to him. Her body needed no urging, and of its own accord, her hand snaked up his back and pulled him even closer,as she began to kiss him back. They stood there for a long time, completly lost to the outside world. Finally, Scully came up for air, and began to trace a path of kisses along his chin, his cheeks, and his eyes. one hand played in his silky brown hair, her other wraped itself comfortably around his waist. Things were going way to fast right now, but they had the rest of their lives to figure things out. Scully was content. Mulder's eyes were luminous. A big goofy grin stretched across his face. Scully watched wonderously at the interchangeability of Mulder's features. He could go from hearthrob to geek, and back again in the space of a second. " I love you Scully!" Scully searched his face, her emotional state was to fragile for her to respond, but her heart welled with happiness. She wanted to say it back, but she hesitated. The silence stretched between them. Mulder pulled away and took a step back. High patches of red stood out on his cheeks. His elation faded into embarrassment. Six years of emotion had been behind those words, and apparently they had fallen flat. " I'm sorry..." he backed up another step, dissapointment showing plainly on his face. " I'd better go." Scully realized he had gotten the wrong idea, " It's OK..." Mulder laughed bitterly, guilt at his indescretion rose up, like bile inside him. " I went too far Scully!" He stalked out of her kitchen, " I never should have come over!" Scully regarded him calmly, almost clinically. " How long have you felt this way?" " Look Scully..." Mulder snatched his jacket off of her table, "...I really don't think I can discuss this with you. Don't worry though, it will never happen again!" Mulder could think of nothing more than getting the hell out of her apartment. He berated himself for his stupidity. Scully *had* kissed him back. The memory of her small hands running up his back were imprinted, probably forever, on his senses. He could still taste her on his lips, where her tongue had met his in intimate discourse. What he couldn't understand, was her lack of response when he had said he loved her. Had he been that far off? He glanced her way, and to his surprise he saw her smiling, a glint of amusement dancing in her eyes. " What? Do you think this is fucking funny?" Scully was non plussed by his anger, " Well, I was just wondering how long you had been feeling that way. You see, I've been feeling that way for a long, long, time." She gave him an uncertain smile. Mulder's body was a canvas of expressive emotion. " Scully, please, don't play games with me." Scully gestured to her red puffy face, " Do I look like I'm in the mood to be playing around." Mulder looked as if the sun was dawning across his face. " Scully you don't want to know how you look right now." Scully crossed her arms and sized him up. She nodded, a wicked smirk playing across her lips. " I'm sure I do, but I wonder what you are gonna look like after I kick your ass!" " Oh No, Scully-Fu!" Mulder teased, as he dropped his jacket back down and went to her. Scully hugged him tight, " I love you Mulder! You should never have to doubt that." " I love you to G-Woman. So what now?" Mulder said as he captured her waist, keeping her close. Scully gave Mulder's nose a playfull bite. " You are sleeping on the couch, and I am going to bed." " WHAT!!!???" " I don't know what you were thinking, but I'm tired." Mulder looked her over. She really did look like hell. Not quite the way he had imagined she would look for their first romantic encounter. Still, it was enough that they had finally crossed that invisible line. He could wait for her. They only had the rest of their lives to explore all the facets that they had kept hidden from each other. Scully really was tired, but she was content, for the first time in a couple of years. She and Mulder had finally come together, and each found the half that made each other whole. Happiness, like a pure beam of light, cut through the darkness she had been lost in for so long. She knew that she would pay for it tommorrow, but sleep would have to wait for another night. " Mulder." " What?" " Want to tuck me in?" FINI -- Send E-Mail to: rr1013@ev1.net All that can be imagined, need ever be lost. (Clive Barker)