From: Date: Sat, 1 Aug 1998 12:49:53 EDT Subject: Memories and Nightmares Memories and Nightmares From: U2mulder@aol.com Disclaimer: you know the drill, they ain't mine they are HIS (CC that is) I am just borrowing them again. I am not making any money from this and Like I have said before, you can't get blood from a turip. All of the charectors in this story belong to FOX. Summary: Scully's memories about her abduction are surfacing and it brings about dire changes. Scully gets abducted again. Mulder's sanity is on the line, can he survive Scully being abducted again and pull himself up long enough to find her. Catagory: MS angst, story Dana Scully's apartment May 29 1998 6:30 a.m. "NOOOOOO!" Dana Scully bolts upright in her bed and grabs her head. She is covered in sweat and her head is pounding. She struggles to get control of her breathing and tries to shake the images from her head.She has been getting nightmares for a few weeks now and with the nightmares come blinding headaches. She has been worried that her cancer might be coming back and has sceduled tests to see if it has but with the case load that she and Mulder have she hasn't been able to keep her appointments. The nightmares are bits and pieces of things she never conciously remebers happening. bright lights, a white room and men. She and Mulder have been investigating another group of women who claim to have been 'abducted' < God I'm getting sick of this>and she assumes that the nightmares are from what the women have been describing . She doens't want to think or admit that maybe her own memories are coming to the surface. The thought of it frightens her and she hasn't told Mulder about the visions or headaches. She doesn't need him to mother her into remebering what had happen to her in those three months. She doesn't know what do believe anymore. Mulder isn't sure either. He bounces back and forth between believing and not, that in itself is strange enough but then for her to suddenly believe in the possibilty of aliens is downright, well *spooky*. Knowing that sleep would be imposible she decided to get dress and go to work. J Edgar Hoover building Basement 7:30 a.m Fox Mulder was starting his second cup of coffee. He had been her for an hour already. Insomnia could be a blessing or a curse,depending on your outlook and right now it's a curse. He has been pouring over the last batch of reports on thier current case. He runs his hands through his hair and leans back in his chair. He doesn't know what to believe anymore. All of this is taking it's toll on Scully and he was worried about that. She has been acting distant and isn't talking to him much about it. He hasn't been exactly *Kind* to the way she is accepting thing and for once not questioning. He has been the one with all of the questions, the one with the doubts. It scares him to see her starting to believe all of the things he once did and now it's putting him in the hot seat. His thoughts are interupted by Scully coming into the office. "Hi Mulder" He looks up and is surprised to see her so early. "You're here early." "Yeah well I couldn't sleep so I figured I might as well come in and get an early start" she tells him. He notices that she looks pale and haggard, like she hasn't slept in a week. "Are you o.k. Scully? You look pale." She waves her hand and says "I'm fine Mulder" and he knows that is the standard Scully answer to everything, the world could fall down around her and she would say she is fine. She gets herself a cup of coffee and sits behind her desk and rubs her temple. "I just haven't been sleeping well and have been getting killer headaches." "Well if you need anything let me know" he tells her and the look of concern on his face brings a small smile to her lips. The next few hours go by quietly. "Mulder I'm going home, I can't shake this headache" Mulder gets up as she stands and walks over to her " Do you want me to drive you home?" " No I think I will be...." she grabs her head . her face is a mask of pure agony, she starts to fall to the floor and Mulder reached out and catches her before she hits the floor. "Scully!!!! What is it, what's wrong?" She doesn't hear him. She is in a white room, there are men standing over her. She struggles to get off of the bed that she is lying on but she can't move. "Scully answer me!!" Mulder is frantically trying to reach her but her eyes are wide and full of fear. She sees the drill coming down toward her forhead, she tries to scream but she is paralized, she can only hear the screams inside her head. "Mulder....help me" she whispers in a stangled voice "Scully.....Scully!!!" She hears Mulder's voice in the hazy background and blacks out just as the drill is going into her head. Georgetown Medical Center Later that day Mulder was sitting by Scully's bedside. His head is in his hands, he is trying to get a grip on himself. The doctors had run a battery of test on her to find out what was wrong. Nothing could be found. They ran a CAT scan and during the procedure Scully regained conciousness and stated to scream. Mulder who had been sitting outside, ran into the room when he heard her screams. She was trashing wildly and couldn't be calmed . Mulder went to her side and gathered her into his arms. after a few minutes of his whispering to her she calmed and the nurse gave her a sedative to ensure that Scully would remain alseep for the rest of the procedure. Now sitting beside her sleeping form he was worried about what was happening to her. In the years they have worked together he has never seen the look of pure terror on her face like he had seen today. There have been time of fright and fear but nothing like this. He wished that she would open up to him about what was happening but she hasn't.. Mulder sat up straight when he heard her moan soflty in her sleep. " It's ok Scully, you're safe" Mulder murmered to her as he took her hands into his. Scully opened her eyes and looked at Mulder's worried face. Her eyes widen and look at her surroundings. "Where am I?" "You are at Georgetown Medical center Scully. Do You remeber what happened?" He wants to know if she can remember what brought her here. memories start to float to the top and she realises what had happened. " Oh my God Mulder I remember!!" The terror is in her eyes again and the monitors start to beep wildly with the rise in her blood pressure. " It's Ok Scully. What is it tell me." He is getting worried again, this is not like her. " I am starting to remember about my abduction, It's coming back to me." she looks in his eyes and feels herself relaxing , knowing that for the moment she is safe. "What??? Are you sure?" "I have been having nightmares, I didn;'t want to tell you. It's been coming back to me in bits and pieces . but for the past week I have been remebering whole pieces of what happened to me." She tells him. Mulder is in semi shock. Not being able to take in what she has just told him. "Why didn't you tell me?" I didn't want to worry you. I thought it was from the case but it isn't. I didn't want to say anything until I ws sure" She knows that he will be woried none the less, no matter what she says. "Dana honey." Mrs Scully walks through the door of Scully's room and goes to her daughter's side. "Are you ok sweetie?" she hugs Dana and looks over at Mulder now quitely leaving the room "I'm ok mom" Mulder hears Scully telling her mother, leaving to let them have some time alone. As Mulder is walking down the hall A.D. Skinner is jogging up to him. " Agent Mulder how is she?" he asks the younger man. "they can't find any physical reason for what happend but they will keep her over night for observation." "Well what happened to her?" " She said that she hasn't been sleeping well and has been having headaches. She was just about to leave when she just grabbed her head and fell to the foor. Sir she says that she is remembering her abduction." Skinner can see that Mulder is concerened about Scully. Hell with everything she has been throughin the past few months he is worried about her state of health too. "Go home and get some rest agent Mulder." "I can't do that, I gotta find out what I can and help her."Mulder says to him "I am the resident expert on night- mares." he says with a lopsided grin on his face trying to hide his feelings.Mulder leaves Skinner standing in the hall as he makes his way out of the hospital. Scully's apt three days later. 8:00 P.M. Scully come home after putting in a long day at work. She has been remembering more and more. She has been able to keep a journal of the images that seem to plauge her almost every waking hour. She goes into the bathroom and starts the water for a nice relaxing bath. putting on a Luther Vangross CD she slips out of her jacket and pours herself a glass of wine and checks on her bath. "Mommy..."she turns her head and sees Emily standing in the shadows of her dining room.Oh no not this, please anything but this! Scully closes her eyes willing this not to be happening. She opens her eyes and she is in the room again. looking down at her is the faceless man. she is on the table again but this time she sees her distended stomach.< Oh my God> she silently screams. < Emily > . But it can't be possible, how could she have a full term baby in three months! Flashback... She feels herself floating upward. She sees the ship, it's like nothing she has ever seen. It's triangular, silent dark. She sees a portal open up in front of her. There are men onboard, dress in while,thier faces hidden. she tries to struggle, tries to scream but she can't she is paralized.the fear of being trapped in her own body is overpowering, the feeling of helplessness is frightning. A flash of light and she is back in her apartment. Scully wakes up to find herself on the floor. Her heart is racing and her head pound visiously. The clock reads 11:12 . < I've lost three hours!> the reality hits her and she starts to shake. Crawiling along the floor she reaches her phone and dials Mulders number. "Mulder." " Mul.." Scully tries to talk but the words wont come out. "Scully what is it? Are you alright?" She hears the concern and fear in his voice " I need you.... It happened again Mulder. I saw Emily and.... and" he hears her sobbing on the other end. "I'll be right there Scully hold on." He runs out of his apartment and rushes to Scully's house. He knocks on the door but she doesn't answer. He opens the door with his key and sees her still sitting on the floor crying. He goes over to her and wraps his arms around her shaking body." Shhh. I have you, nobody is going to hurt you." He whispers to her and waits for her to stop. "Mulder I saw her again. she was here. I know what happened and how she came to be" she whisper to him. "I was in a room and I remember the tests. I was pregnant... but how..." she doesn't want to say what it means. She tells him everything she can remember. the aircraft, the men, the faceless one. she tells him about the Air force base. Not knowing the name but knowing that there was one she was brough to. Mulder is stunned, he cannot begin to comprehend what she has gone through. the abduction itself, the physical scars, the cancer and Emily, now this. He thinks of the fetus he found in the geriatric center that had Scully's name on it. He never told her for fear of hurting her. the fact of having no children was hard enough until Emily came along and now to know that there was another 'child ' out there would kill her. But for them to discover fully what had happen to her he has to tell her. "Scully. I have to tell you something." He takes her face in his hands " I know that this is going to be painful and I never ment for you to find out but I have to tell you." She stares at him not knowing what to expect but trusts him fully and urges him to go on " When we found that geriatric compound with all of the elderly pregnant women I found something" < this is going to kill her and it's my fault again> " I... I.." he can't go on "Mulder tell me. I have to know" Her eyes tell him of a trust he is about to betray that will hurt him ore than it will her. "I found a fetus in a sort of cryo container, it had your name on it Scully." the silence is deafening New York The Consortium " She remembers too much. We were assured that she would remember." 'heavyset man' says " There must have been mistake made." Cigarette smoke swirled around his head " If there has been it's due to your incompetance." the 'well dressed man' said "See to it she doesn't remember anything more. And this time don't screw it up" Scully's apartment same night Scully stared at Mulder in shock. Mulder flinched at the look on her face knowing that he had hurt her again "I'm so sorry Scully." not knowing what to say only knowing that he has caused her more pain. The look of betrayal on her face felt like a knife in his gut. "Mulder please go." Scully pulls away from him, not wanting to be near him,not now. "Scully..."he pleads. his throat tightens around her name "Just go. I need to be alone." "But I..." "GO NOW!! Go, Leave me alone!!" she screams at him. She sees the look of pain on his face. Not caring for his feelings right now, she only feels her own pain. His shoulders sag, having the weight of the world on him. his world, Scully was his world, and he was being evicted from it. He quitely leaves her alone to cry in the night tears are blinding him as he drives home. He is shattered. His guilt is a rock in his heart. It seems that the only know he is alive is from the pain he carried and tonight he has added a few more years of damnation to his soul. He stumbles up to his apartment and throws himself onto his couch and gives into the tears and into the pain. Mulder's apartment June 2 1998 8:00 a.m. Mulder awoke from a nightmare. He had dreamed that Scully had been taken again. Looking at the time he calles her. The phone rings and rings and rings. He tries the office and there is no answer there. He finally tries her cel phone. When there is no answer he starts to panic. He doesn't bother to change his clothes from last night. He gets in his car and speeds to her place. A million thoughts go through his head. He shouldn't have left her alone last night despite her protests. Fear is coiling at the pit of his stomach he cannot seem to drive fast enough. Fearing the worst he makes it to her door and pounds on it "Scully it's me open up." he yells "Come on open up." he kicks in the door and a look of horror fills his face. her apartment looks like a tornado hit it. "Scully!!" he is now screaming, franticly looking for her. There is no sign of her. < OH NO! Not again please not again> he begs to no one in particular. Praying to a diety he doesn't belive in "SCULLYYYYY NO!!!!" the sound of terror leaves his body as he sinks to his knees . Sobs wrack his body and his mind shatters like glass. End of part one Part 2 Memories and Nightmares see part one for diclaimers Scully's apt 9:00 a.m. Within half an hour of Mulder breaking down the door the Virginia police were at Scully's apartment. They were called by a neighbor who had heard the sound of Mulder screaming. The police found Mulder still on his knees not acknowleding anybody. Minutes later A.D. Skiner arrives and sees Mulder on the floor staring into space. Seeing the damage done and the sight of Mulder filled him with a fear he hasn't felt in years. " Mulder what happened here?" he stands in front of an oblivious Mulder who just looks up at him. Mulder sees his father standing befor him and his eyes widen." I"m so sorry dad!! I couldn't stop it!! I couldn't..." Mulder starts to shake, seeing what appears to be his father befor him.Thiking he is going to strike him he curls into a ball on the floor. "Mulder snap out of it" Skinner is kneeling in front of Mulder grabbing him by the shoulders." Come on Mulder tell me what hapened." Skinner thought that Mulder was having a breakdown. Knowing what Scully's first disapearance did to him he was afraid for Mulder's sanity. " It's ok Mulder. You got to help me here" Mulder lifts his head and sees Skinner in front of him. "It's all my fault, it's all my fault!!" Mulder says in a strangled voice. "AGENT MULDER!" Skinner hope that the authority in his voice will snap Mulder out of it. Mulder stares at the man looming befor him and recognises him as Skinner. " They took her again" he can feel his voice catch in his throat. "I have to go tell her mother." Mulder leaves He dreads telling Mrs.Scully about Dana's second abduction. He wants to do anything to avoid it. His car pulls into the driveway and Scully's mother looks out the window to see. She opens the door before he has the chance to knock. She knows by the look on his face that there is something wrong with her daughter. The door is open but he doesn't want to go in, anything to avoid giving her more pain. "Fox, it's Dana isn't it?" she asks him and he just shakes his head. Mrs Scully leads him to a chair and sits next to him " Tell me Fox what is it." he can't look her in the eye, he can't bring himself to do it. " She's gone again..... It's all my fault." he chokes on the words as they spill out of him along with his tears. " Oh no.. Oh my God not again!!" She quietly lets the words go and each one is a knife in Mulder's heart. Mrs Scully reaches over and pulls him into her arms and give into the tears . Just at this moment Bill Jr. opens the door and starts to greet his mother , he sees Mulder crying in his mothers arms. He lunges at Mulder and startles his mother. He shoves Mulder against the wall "What have you done to my sister you son of a bitch!!!" Mulder's head limply bangs against the wall as Bill repatedly whacks him against it. < I deserve this> Mulder thinks < I deserve to get my ass kicked> Mulder lets Bill continue to pound him into the wall. Mrs' Scully grabs at her son " Enough Bill this won't do anybody any good" "Can't you see what this has done to him." Bill looks at her with rage. "What this has done to him!! With what this bastard has done to our family! How dare you defend him!" "Bill he loves Dana he would never hurt her. Please let him go." "No" Mulder wakes out of his guilt driven stupor." No he's right I deserve it. I have cause this family too much pain. I deserve to die" he leaves them both and stumbles to his car. Location Unkown She awakes in a white sterile room. She has been here before. A man leans over her " Don't worry agent Scully. this isn't going to hurt" They are stealing her memories again, probing her brain. Let them take what they want she thinks. silently struggling to keep one part closed to them. she screams into the silence. leaving them to take everything but this. She surrenders to the darkness Mulder's Apt He sat alone lost in his nightmares, feeling his sanity slip away . He couldn't survive this again. His guilt wouldn't let him live. He loved her so much it suffocated him and she was gone again. He looked at the gun sitting on the table in front of him. It would be so easy to end it, much easier than living like this. He told himslef he deserved to die for what he has done to her, for taking her sister, her health, her life. The gun becones his, calls to him like a lover it wants to be held. The gun feels heavy in his hand as he brings it to his head. He closes his eyes and his finger is on the trigger... *MULDER!* his eyes open. He finally loosing it he thinks.. The sound of his name rang clearly in his head, the sound of Scully. He closes his eyes and reaches out. thinking of her and for the briefest of moments he can *feel* her. he sends the thought out, not knowing where to but he sends it like a prayer. He gets up and leave for her apartment In the darkness of her nightmare she hears her name and knows that he is there. The days go by . Mulder reads and rereads a journal found in Scully's Apartment. He tries to put himself into her head as he has done in the past with murderers and other undesirables. He spends hours staring at the words on the paper in front of him, willing himself to find something, anything. There is mention of an aricraft, men, the faceless ones, bright lights and a tunnel of some sort. He rubs his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose, He can feel the headache come on. He stands to get some asperin, he is about to put the pills into his mouth when he hears her again *Mulder, help me*. The pills fall to the floor as he concentrates on the voice. He reaches out with his mind trying to focus on her. He sees the light. He sees her on a metal table, a man standing over her with a syringe. Her eyes are wide in fear . * NO NO NO!!* . He is back in his apartment and he can taste her fear. Mulder stumbles to the table and looks through the note again. He finds the part with the tunnel, not knowing why this is important but it is. She writes about the tunnel, it's dark but there are lights like pin points. He feels like he has been slammed into a stone wall. He knows where she might be. He rushes out the door to head back to work and to talk to Skinner. Scully retreats to the place where she has locked them out. This, her only refuge, the onlyu part she wont let them have. She *feels* Mulder and waits, hoping that he gets to her befor it's too late and they break down the only wall she has left. "She is resisting us." the Fat Man says " We haven't gotten everything that we need." " I warned you that this time would be more difficult" the second man states " It's time to use the new compound our sources have given us." Fat man tells the second man " Let's continue to try this for another day, they we can use the new drugs." the second man says as the smoke fills the room they are in looking down at Scully. < Let's hope Mr.Mulder gets here before we have to move on > he thinks to himself Black Crow North Dakota Mulder led the team of F.B.I. agents down the hall of the missle silo complex. He was very aware that there seem to be no one in sight and wondered if he could be wrong. < This is the last chance and I can't blow it> he tells himself knowing that if Scully isn't here he will never forgive himself. He motions the team to stay back as he comes to a door that he suspects Scully is behind. he creeps to the door and looks into the window. She is lying on the table he has seen in his visions and she is still as death. He doesn't know what scares him more, the way she looks or the cast that they haven't met any resistace along the way. He cautiously makes his way into the room and like every place else in this complex it is deserted except for Scully. He sticks his head out dies of the door and yells to the team "I got her get a chopper here fast!" He takes her into his arms and rushes out the door and down the halls to the waithing ambulance. " I have you Scully, I have you." He swears that he can feel her relax into his chest. He gets her into the ambulance which takes her to a chopper waiting at the other end of the field. From a vantage point on a hill a man looks through binoculars and sees the proceedings going on below him . He smiles inwardly glad that Mulder has found her and his plans of thrawting his 'Friends' has worked. One week later Scully's apt Scully doesn't bother to get up at the sound of the knock at her door. "Come in Mulder" she calls out from her couch She looks at him with a smile as he comes in with an arm load of goodies. Chinese food in the little containers and a movie that She has been wanting to see for some time now and has never had the chance. she gives him a grin that makes his face light up. "I thought you might be hungry" he says with a lopsided grin. He has given her some time to reocever after beign released from the hospital two days earlier. He also wanted to figure out what and how he was going to tell her about his feelings. They haven't really discussed how he was able to find her but that will also be said tonight too. They sat in silence and ate thier food, Scully playing with her Sesame Chicken and Mulder staring blankly at his Fried Pork. "Mulder I... How were you able to find me? How did you know where I was?" Scully asks a unchare- ctoraly quiet Mulder. "I read your journal, I just tried to put myself in your head. hey I can do it for a bunch of crackpots i firgure you would be easy." He tells her with a smirk on his face just not ready to open up yet. "Mulder really." she tosses back at him. " Well I did go through the journal, but it didn't start that way. I ...I " his voice leaves him and he thinks he just might chicken out of telling her but decides to go on. " The day after you threw me out I tried calling you, i ran over here and my heart was in my throat. It killed me when I saw that you weren't here, I had a dream befor i came over and it was about you being taken again." His voice cracked on the last two words and tears threatened to spill down his face. " I lost it Scully. I just felt myself shatter into a million pieces and I knew that there was no way to fix it this time." tears roll freely down his face and Scully could feel that she soon would cry also. " I went and told your mother, Bill came in and started to beat the living shit out of me and I was letting him. I felt I deserved it. Your mother stopped him but I wished that she didn't." He could feel the words stick in his throat. and to see the tears on Scully's face hurt him but he was also relieved that he is able to see them and her again. " I went back to my apartment with the intent of killing myself, I couldn't live through it again, to know that it was my fault for leaving you. Just as i had put the gun to my head and was ready to pull the trigger." he heard her gasp at the revelation of this and knew how close she came to losing him. " I was going to do it and I heard you scream my name inside of my head. I can't decribe it or understand but in that one instant you saved me Scully." He looks into her eyes and sees the shock of what he has just told her. "Mulder, when they tried to wipe my memory again I lock one part of myself off to them. I promised that they could have anything they wanted but that one part of me and it was my refuge. I left that part open to you. It was the way I kept sane." she snorted the words out knowing the irony of it, her sanity had again helped Mulder keep his. " I thought about you and I screamed for you to find me, knowing that it was almost impossible but it was all I had. I heard you too Mulder, I heard you call for me." She saw the impact of her words hit him like a ton of bricks. "I heard you a few more times after and just tried to follow you to where ever you would lead me. That and reading your journal led me to where you were. The only thing I can't figure out is why there was no interference from whoever it was that had held you. I met no one along the way when I found you." Mulder no longer cared about that , just that she was with him again. He took her hands in his and pulled her close to him. She leaned into his chest and was comforted by the sound of his heart. They stayed like that for a while enjoying the comfort of eachothers bodies, eachothers warmth. Mulder pulled back and took Scully's face in his hands. "Scully I want to tell you that..." she put her fingers to his lips " I know Mulder, I know." Words were meaningless to them. what they have goes beyond that, it's deeper than any known words and feelings it went to the depths of thier souls and in this they knew how the other felt. Scully leans back against his chest and they sit in the comfort of their silent ackowledgement . THE END Feedback and Flames encouraged