From: Fan4Richie Date: 23 Sep 2003 01:58:09 GMT Subject: Methylparaben Or What Really Happened to Agent Mulder PG Ursula Source: atxc Title: Methylparaben Or What Really Happened to Agent Mulder Author/Pseudonym: Ursula Fandom: X-Files Pairing: Mulder and Scully Rating: PG Status: Over done Date Posted: 09-22-03 Archive: FHSA, FONXL, Gossamer E-mail address for feedback: Fan4Richie or Ursula4X@aol.com Classification: Humor Series/Sequel: Is this story part of a series: No Web Site: http://www.fhsarchive.com/ursula/ Main FHSA Site: http://www.fhsarchive.com/ Mirror Site: fhsarchive.popullus.org Disclaimers: I don't own the X-Files, but I'm saving coupons. Notes: This story was written for Pollyanna's Lyrical Wheel. Pollyanna said, "Technical term: okay if it's not too specific. If you start passing on the names of chemical compounds (e.g. methylparaben) the poor writer isn't going to have much to go on. The idea is to provide a springboard for inspiration, not a set of blinkers" I was inspired. Warnings: Mulder goes down the drain Time Frame: Never Happened Scully walked across the room to pick up baby William. She could hear the shower run and run. Damn Mulder...using up the hot water like that. He never washed out the tub either. Glancing back at the tub enclosure, she thought, "Mulder really is taking unemployment too seriously. Sitting around eating chocolate and crying over reruns of 'The Commish' isn't good for the man. Mom! Maggie Scully was the one who always said, "You love him. Don't wait for him to ask. Make the first move. The baby needs a father." Yes, well, Mamma Dana was going to need a second job if Papa Mulder kept using all the hot water. Scully marched back into the bedroom and said, "Mulder, turn off the shower. You know my utilities have increased by one hundred percent since you moved in." There was no answer. Scully pulled back the curtain. The water ran on. She turned it off and at this point noticed a pile of white dust. She looked closer and saw that it was a fine, needle like substance. Odd... Like the scientist she was, she scooped a sample and labeled it. Mulder had not only left the water running; he had taken off. Now she would have to get a baby sitter or ask her mother to care for William again. It was a week before she accepted that Mulder was gone. She told John Doggett that she didn't know where the man was or why he left. Doggett looked at her with sympathy as if he didn't quite believe her. Reaching into her coat pocket, Scully pulled out the small bag of white powder and ran it through spectrum analysis. Methylparaben? It was a common ingredient in both food and cosmetics, a preservative. After returning to her bathroom, Scully found large quantities of the chemical compound everywhere. Sadly, she spoke into the recorder in pathology; "My only conclusion is that Agent Mulder's miraculous return to life was a temporary condition caused by massive ingestion and external use of methylparaben, a common preservative. Mulder was fond of both pizza and Chinese food, both containing the compound. He also was very vain of his hair and inclined to large-scale use of hair products, also containing methylparaben. After a time, the compound wore off and Mulder dissolved into the drain from overuse of hot water. I can only mourn him and make it my crusade to find the exact formula that resulted in his unusual state of preservation. The monetary benefits to my single mom's budget could be stupendous. Men and women could inject the preservative into their bodies at the peak of their attractiveness and thus stay beautiful forever or as long as they remember to take cold showers...I, of course, will be the first subject. Mulder would have wanted it that way... The end