From: "Debbie Cullen" <djc45@hotmail.com>
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 2003 14:55:08 -0500
Subject: New Story Submissions
Source: direct

TITLE: Miracle Enough
AUTHOR: Debbie Cullen
	  djc45@hotmail.com
RATING: G
CLASSIFICATION: MSR
SPOILERS: Anasazi, 6th Extinction, 6th Extinction - Amor Fati, Milagro, All 
Things, Per Mannum, Requiem, Within, Without, This Is Not Happening,
SUMMARY: The thoughts that go through Scully's mind as she drives to the 
hospital in "Dead Alive".
FEEDBACK: Please! How else is a girl supposed to know whether or not she's 
doing a good job?
DISCLAIMER: Anything X-Files I may have used do not belong to me. (Damn it!) 
They belong to Chris Carter and 1013 Productions as well of course as David 
and Gillian who made Mulder and Scully who they really are. No infringement 
intended.

MIRACLE ENOUGH

	Tears well in her eyes as she tries to drive to the hospital.
	How can he be alive? I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but
how can I not?  Physically he is alive! This is like a dream come
true!
	So many times I have almost lost you, but you have always
somehow found your way back to me.
	When your father was killed and I was forced to shoot you so
you wouldn't kill Krycek, was one of the hardest things I've ever had
to do. I saw the shock and pain in your eyes when you realized I had
shot you! That hurt more than I can say.
	You almost died out in that desert. I had taken you there to
try and protect you, but it almost killed you. If it hadn't been for
Albert Hostein, I would have lost you forever.
	I had cried for days, thinking you were dead, but I never let
anyone see me cry.
	Then there was when those rubbings affected you so severely. I
know I was skeptical at first, but I soon came to realize there was no
other explanation.
	I have never felt so frightened before. I could feel you
slipping away from me and there was nothing I could do. That's why I
went to Africa. At least there I felt I was doing something. It was
the only thing I could do for you.
	When I returned, you were practically catatonic, but I knew
you knew I was there. I begged you to hold on until I could figure
this out. I know you tried. I never once blamed you for what happened.
	Then you disappeared from the hospital. I had been out of my
mind with worry. When I saw the surveillance tape, it only made me
worry more. Your mother was on that video talking to someone. You
couldn't see who she was talking to, but you could see the plume of
smoke from his cigarette. When I realized that bastard was involved,
my hope really started to fade.
	To think that your mother actually helped him! How could she
do that to her own son?
	I knew that in the state you were in, you wouldn't be able to
protect yourself and obviously your mother wasn't about to help you.
	It took all my strength not to contact your mother and make
her tell me what they wanted with you and where they had taken you.
	Ever since I first laid eyes on Diana Fowley I didn't trust
her! I couldn't explain why exactly. I just knew she was doing what
was best for herself -- not anyone esle. I know you thought she cared
for you., but maybe you had to believe that. After the way Phoebe had
fucked with your head, you probably couldn't face what Diana was
doing.
	In the end, she had saved your life, by giving me that key,
but I'm still not sure that she didn't have ulterior motives.
	When I walked into that room my heart skipped a beat. I was
terrified that I was too late.
	I barely took a breath as I walked across the room. I couldn't
let myself think about what I would do if I was too late.
	You were so still, I couldn't even tell if you were breathing
or not.
	I reached out and touched your face gently. then I said your
name and there was no reaction whatsoever. I begged and pleaded with
you, telling you that there wasn't much time you had to get up.
	`Finally you opened your eyes and looked at me. I've never
been so relieved. Somehow I had drawn you back. You were very groggy,
but you knew it was me and you understood exactly what I was saying.
You just looked up at me and pleaded, "Help me!"
	If I hadn't known it before, at that moment I knew that was
exactly where I belonged -- at your side forever and always. I'm so
sorry I didn't tell you how I felt right then and there.
	You struggled to sit up. Whatever they did to you had weakened
you horribly. I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to get you out
of there in time. And yet I knew I would never let them hurt you
again. If worse came to worse, at least we would be together.
	Her vision was blurred by tears. She reached up and tried to
wipe them away, but they were only replaced with more.
	We have been through so much together -- some of it good, some
of it not so good.
	You have been my knight in shining armor many times -- Donnie
Pfaster ...  Eddie Van Blundt ... and that weirdo who thought he could
save me by sucking my brain out through my nasal cavity! Don't you
know I wouldn't have survived those things without you?
	Then there was Ed Jerse and that stupid tattoo. I don't know
what ever possessed me to do something like that.
	But in the end Mulder, you saved me again even though you
weren't there. As angry as I was with you, I couldn't sleep with him.
I realized something that night. I realized (FINALLY!) that my heart
and soul belonged to you and only you!
	When your neighbor poured his attention on me, I admit I was
flattered -- in the beginning at least. It didn't take long to realize
that he was obsessed with me. That was kind of frightening.
	I know I never talked about it, but that was mostly because I
didn't know what to say. I couldn't (and still can't) explain what
happened in your apartment that day. I only know that I could feel his
hand inside my chest.  I was absolutely sure I was going to die when I
shot him and there was no effect.
	When I opened my eyes and saw you, it was like a gift from
God. I suddenly knew everything would be okay.
	It really is true what they say -- that you don't miss
something until it's gone. I don't think I really appreciated you
until you disappeared. Then I found out what lonely truly was.
	We wasted so much time trying to hide our feelings from each
other. Why were we so foolish?
	When you returned from England and we finally crossed that
line, we realized just what we had been denying ourselves. We knew we
could never go back there again.
	Then we found out that there was a possibility that I could
get pregnant. I was angry with you for not telling me, but at the same
time I was ecstatic to be given a second chance. I could tell you were
almost as excited as I was.
	I don't think I ever told you this before, but your reaction
meant the world to me.
	When I took the ova and had them tested again, it wasn't that
I didn't trust you. I just had to know for SURE -- hear the words
myself.
	I will never be able to explain the euphoria I felt when I was
told there was a good chance. I could get pregnant! It wasn't until
the doctor mentioned a sperm donor that I realized what I really
wanted -- YOUR baby, Mulder. Without even thinking I told the doctor
that wouldn't be necessary.  I had a donor in mind. I realized I
couldn't imagine anyone esle being my baby's father.
	All the way home I tried to figure out how I could ask you.
	Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, asking you
had been very difficult. I wasn't used to asking for help. When I
wanted something, I went and got it (I know, if i'd only done that
sooner with you right?) This I couldn't get all on my own.
	I told you what the doctor said and you had been so happy for
me.
	I couldn't believe the puzzled look on your face when I said I
had a donor in mind. Did you realy not have a clue what was thinking?
	I finally managed to say it out loud and I think I could have
knocked you over with a feather.
	Why did you have such a hard time believing me? It seemed so
natural and right to me!
	For the first time since I met you. I couldn't figure out what
you were thinking. I just prayed to God you would say yes.
	In the end,you had given me the answer I wanted and needed,
but it had taken you a while to reconcile yourself to the fact that it
was what I wanted.
	I don't think I really knew how much I needed you to say yes,
until you gave me your answer. Such releive flooded over me. I don't
know if I could have gone through with it if you had said no. No
matter who the donor whould have been, I would have always wished it
was you. No matter what else happened, we would always have that bond.
	When the IVF didn't work, I was inconsolable but you told me
to never give up on a miracle.
	That miracle grows within me now, Mulder. OUR miracle! It's
funny how the same day can be so happy and so sad at the same time.
	The day I found out about our little miracle, is also the day
I found out you were gone. I had been given the most wonderful news
ever and the only person I really wanted to share it with was gone!
	I tried so hard to find you. I couldn't give up. I couldn't
accept that you were gone forever. It just didn't feel like you were
dead!
	Then came that horrible day when they found your body in the
woods. Even as I knelt beside your frozen, battered body, it didn't
seem real! I bent over and clung to you -- trying to weill life back
into your body. They had to physically pull me away from you.
	As a doctor I understand that you were dead, but as your
partner, your friend, your lover and the mother of your child, I
couldn't comprehend that you were really gone.
	I bolted and ran back to the house determined that Jeremiah
Smith could help you. He had helped the other returned abductees --
why not you?!
	There is something about that night that I never told you. I
saw a spaceship over the house that night and I believe they took
Jeremiah.
	When I realized he was gone -- right along with my last hope
for you -- I collapsed on the floor in a sea of tears.
	The day we buried you was the most horrible day of my life.
Deep down inside I wanted to die too. I felt so empty and alone. I
loved you so much and I regretted all the time we had wasted. I just
prayed you knew how much I loved you.
	When she looked up, she realized she was almost at the
hospital.Just knowing she was going to see him again soon was almost
more than she could comprehend.
	The last three months have been pure hell for me but you saved
me again, Mulder. So many times I just wanted to lay down and die --
then I would feel our baby move and I knew I had to go on. Our baby
was already without his father -- he needed someone to let him know
what a wonderful man his father had been.
	Now to find out that you are actually alive is mind boggling!
	I am so sorry I never should have let them put you in that
cold, dark ground. I should have listened to what my heart was telling
me -- that you weren't dead! Can you ever forgive me?
	The fact that you are alive is miracle enough, but I do need
to ask for one more small thing -- please come back Mulder. We both
need you.
	You taught me to believe in miracles Mulder and I swear I'll
never ask for anything again if I can just have you back.
	Believe me, I won't let go nearly so easily again. I'll never
give up until I feel -- in my very soul -- that you are gone.
	She parks the car, gets out and heads for the entrance doors.
	As soon as she is inside the door, she sees Skinner and
Doggett down at the end of the hall.
	As she walks towards them, the baby kicks. She gently rubs her
tummy. Come on, baby. I think it's time you met your Daddy. She forces
the tears back as she approaches Doggett.
	"Where is he?" she asks.

THE END