From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: Sun, 18 Feb 2001 21:56:34 -0600 Subject: Miracles 1/1 by Aranea Mayfly Source: direct Reply To: mayfly1013@aol.com Title: Miracles Author: Aranea Mayfly Rating: PG13ish. Some intimacy is implied, but none seen. Spoilers: Per Manum - If you didn't know Scully was pregnant, well it's not my fault you have been secluded in a box all season. What can I say, at least I'm writing something and have finally overcome my writer's block. Category: some MSR with some good ol' angst tossed in for good measure. Archive: Gossamer, Xemplary, Ephemeral, yes. Go for it, just Let me know where you archive it. Disclaimer: Please keep your hands inside the car and remain seated until the ride comes to a complete stop. I'm not Chris Carter, don't' know the guy, and never will. Needless to say, I am merely playing in his sandbox. The X-files, the characters, and anything else he created are his and the property of Fox Television and 1013 Productions. So please don't sue me - I'll put his pail and shovel away when I'm done. Feedback: sure, would love to know what y'all think. Feel free to drop me a line at mayfly1013@aol.com. Summary: Miracles come when we least suspect them. Don't give up on a chance, not matter how slim it appears. ~~~~~~~ Miracles ~~~~~~~ He shifted stiffly on the couch and bunched the decorative pillow beneath his head. He'd dozed on her sofa more times than he could count, but tonight Mulder just couldn't get comfortable. Too much was at stake to rest, and the longer it took Scully to come home, the more his anxiety grew. Bad feeling didn't begin to describe the premonition washing over him. The past month had been a whirlwind of emotions. He knew it would be the moment he agreed to help his partner achieve the one thing eluding her - motherhood. At first he'd been flattered that she'd asked him to contribute to the process. At that time, his involvement was nothing more than a donation, a small and intangible piece to a bigger puzzle. Over the past few weeks Mulder definitely felt his involvement grow from merely a sperm donation. Scully could have relied on a well-screened pool of anonymous donors. Yet she chose him. And for the first time in his life, the idea of fatherhood did not seem that strange. Rather, it was a prospect that sounded better with each passing day. He didn't want to express this excitement if it ended up being all for naught. He'd had his share of disappointment and had no desire to have his dreams stomped on yet again. He had to be strong for Scully; she didn't need the burden of his expectations heaped upon hers. With his promise to help, he'd been by her side through each step - from the initial counseling, the daily hormonal injections to prime her womb for the process, to even the implantation procedure itself. He'd waited nervously in the waiting room as the physician carefully placed their fertilized eggs in to her womb, drove Scully home afterwards, and prayed that the procedure would take. So much for just helping a friend out in need. By the end of the process, he was hoping for a miracle as much as she. But today, she'd excluded him in the journey. She'd insisted on going to this first post-implantation appointment alone. Today she would find out whether the procedure took and she was pregnant or whether it had failed and she was back to the drawing board. In typical Dana Scully fashion, she had chosen to face her demons head on and very much alone. Mulder wanted desperately to be with her at that appointment, but respected her decision. So he decided to wait until she returned home - either to congratulate her when she walked into the apartment grinning ear to ear or to comfort and hold her if her dreams had been shattered. The sun was beginning to fade away and the room was cast in the muted hues of dusk. She should have been home a long time ago, he thought to himself as he turned on a tiny lamp. Something didn't seem right, and the hair on the back of his neck began to prickle. Mulder took a deep breath and covered his eyes with his forearm in an attempt to push his growing anxiety back into the shadows. Everything's going to be all right, he tried to convince himself as slumber finally called to him and he fell asleep. He didn't know how long he'd been asleep when he heard keys rustle on the other side of the door. She slowly entered the apartment, her heels clicking against the hardwood floor. Her gait was weary and defeated. She hadn't bothered to flip on any lights as she crossed the room, and her silence spoke volumes. "Scully?" Mulder called out as he blinked the sleep from his eyes and drew himself to a stand. "I must've dozed off. I was waiting for you to get back." She finally made eye contact with him, her face a mask of pain. Her eyes were alight with unshed tears as she took another step closer to him, her lips tightly pressed together as if to keep a sob stifled. He went to say something, but when he opened his mouth, no words came out. Nothing sounded right. Finally, he locked eyes with her. Her anguish pierced through his core and killed that glimmer of hope that he had kept hidden. "It didn't take, did it?" he gently asked, his voice barely above a whisper. She didn't need to tell him anything. He knew; he could see the answer plainly on her face. There would be no miracle - another casualty of the grand conspiracy. Her composure quickly faded and she slowly shook her head. The FBI's Ice Queen had melted, and in her stead stood a woman awash in despair. He'd never seen her so devastated before. The cancer, her father's death, Emily - these emotional setbacks paled in comparison to the grief he saw before him. Over the years, she'd hidden her feelings behind a well-constructed wall of "I'm fine's" and cool aloofness. But no defense could hide the disappointment in her eyes. Scully's lip began to tremble as she conceded, "I guess it was too much to hope for." A rush of anger coursed through him, and Mulder dashed it away with a shake of his head. The Consortium had stolen so much from the two of them, and this was the last straw. She'd suffered numerous times - nearly died - because of their merciless plans. Scully had never asked for her cancer, never consented to their experiments. In the name of science, they had raped her body with inhumane tests and denied her the one thing she wanted most. And now he'd give anything to destroy the bastards that had done this to her. But there would be time for rage later. He needed to push his own feelings aside and be there for her. He had to give her the strength that she could not find within herself. Drawing her into an embrace, Mulder felt Scully dissolve in his arms. Her body trembled against his as he wrapped his arms tightly around her. There was nothing more that he wanted than to absorb her suffering and right all the wrongs they had done to her. Her voice finally broke the silence, and she cried as her voice cracked, "That was my last chance!" Twined together, he closed his eyes and felt the prickle of unshed tears that mourned the loss of a child that would never be theirs. With an agonized sigh he let her know that her pain was his, that they would take this new and sad journey together. He wanted to do something to reassure her, to let her know everything was going to be all right. But he simply did not have that power. Anything he would say would sound empty and contrite. It wasn't the time for false promises. He'd helped the best he could, and no matter of wishing could change the course of events. Rather he let his instincts take the lead, and he placed a tender kiss in the center of her brow before resting his forehead against hers, a simple yet intimate gesture of understanding that they had shared for years. He barely even heard himself say to her, "Never give up on a miracle." His words were not offered as encouragement but rather as a plea never to lose hope - a task easier said than done. Scully sniffled back her tears as his words resonated in the room. Pulling him closer she returned his compassion with a kiss on the cheek. Her trembling lips caressed his neck as he felt her cling tighter to him. She drew in a sharp breath before releasing it in a heart-wrenching sob. They stood there for several long moments, her muffled cries against his shoulder the only sounds filling the tiny room. Mulder gently stroked her back and provided her a safe haven in which to grieve. Tough as nails both in the office and in the field, she rarely showed such a vulnerable side of herself to anyone. He wasn't going to interfere with this first step in the healing process. Finally Scully pulled back from him to look him in the eyes. Nervously Mulder glanced at the floor before licking his lips and returning a gaze. He cradled her cheek with his palm and brushed a stray tear away with his thumb. "I'm sorry," was all he could muster. Wordlessly she swiped at her nose with the back of one hand and acknowledged his apology with a quick nod. "Thank you for believing," she said returning to the safety of his embrace and resting her cheek against his chest. "That's one thing I've always had - the strength of your beliefs." "And you always will," he whispered into her hair. At first he flinched as she tugged at his charcoal jersey to rest her hands flat against warmth of his skin. Never before did he feel such an intimate desperation radiate from her. It was as if she needed his warmth to chase away the chill surrounding her soul, and he'd be damned if he deny her that need. Then he did it. He cupped her chin in one hand and pulled her gaze to his. He wasn't sure why he'd done it, but it had felt right. He leaned down and gave her a tentative kiss on the lips. She didn't fight his advance. Rather he felt her lips part and the kiss deepen the moment they made contact. Nevertheless he instantly regretted the action. Pulling away from her, he tripped over his own words, "Oh god I'm sorry, Scully. I didn't mean to..." "It's okay, Mulder," she replied putting a reassuring hand on his forearm. "You didn't do anything wrong. Just hold me; I'm cold." She shivered as he wrapped his arms around her in a protective cocoon, her arms following suit and completed the circle. He'd held her countless times in the past both as a friend and as a confidante. And now as she trembled beneath his embrace, he held her as a potential lover - their emotions fully exposed for the other to see. But this time it was Scully that pressed forward. Her lips brushed his ear with feather-light kisses, explored his cheek and found his mouth. "Stay with me tonight," she whispered in his ear. "I don't want to be alone right now." Feeling her heart beat against his chest, he answered, "I'm not going anywhere." Their kisses became more frenzied and urgent. His lips traced a moist trail down her neck that elicited a breathless sigh from his partner. Her hands teased through his hair in silent approval before gliding down his chest to unfasten the button of his jeans. He'd fantasized about this moment for years, never dreaming that it would stem from one of the darkest moments in their lives. It surprised him that she was the one taking the initiative. But as much as he wanted to make love to her for the first time, Mulder didn't want to take advantage of her. A pang of guilt stabbed at his heart at the thought of fulfilling his own carnal desires at the expense of Scully's vulnerability. He hadn't been with a woman in a long time, but he was willing to wait even longer if it meant preserving his relationship with her. "Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked tucking a copper tendril behind one of her ears. "No regrets, Mulder," she breathed even as he gently tugged her coat off her shoulders. There was no turning back now as her black coat fluttered to the floor and she accepted his probing kiss into her mouth. Their shadows danced against the wall as she led them down the hallway, their pathway illuminated by the amber glow of a tiny lamp. Even afterward, Mulder didn't know how they had made it to the bedroom. Despair had given way to comforting intimacy. The floodgates had been opened. Tonight had not been about physical attractions unleashed but rather an evolution of an unspoken love that had grown between them, a final consummation of a bond that had always tied them together. Spooned together in the darkness, he still reveled in the newfound sensation of her bare skin cradled against his. Their heads rested on the same pillow, and the perspiration slowly evaporated from their bodies. Scully briefly stirred beside him; an unintelligible mumble rolled off her lips. Yet the silent ebb and flow of her breathing reassured him that she was still asleep. He could get used to sleeping arrangements, he mused to himself as he drank in the scent of her hair. Placing a gentle kiss on the crown of her head, Mulder drew her closer to him hoping to keep the demons at bay a bit longer. She was safe in his arms, and he hoped that would never change. Silently he vowed he would do everything possible to keep the Consortium from harming his partner again. His hand rested on the gentle curve of her hip. With a flattened palm, his hand floated to her belly and he gently caressed the surface of her abdomen. Protectively covering her womb with his hand, Mulder silently wished that their lovemaking could have placed a spark of hope within her. He wished that he could give her what in vitro technology could not and right all the wrongs he felt responsible "Never give up on a miracle," he whispered, repeating his plea as he nuzzled against her silken tresses and drifted to sleep. Fin Author's notes: Deb, this one is for you. Thanks for whipping the muses into shape at three am! Without you, this little ditty would have never come to fruition.