From: "Shanda Weeks" Date: Thu, 22 Mar 2007 10:34:33 -0500 Subject: Monday's Consequence's Source: direct Title: Monday's Consequences Author: Arissa JML Rating: PG Keywords: MSR, angst Spoilers: Monday, some other little ones Disclaimer: Not mine, nuff said. Summary: The events of Monday take their toll and our agents find out some interesting things about one another. ********************************************************** ********************************************************** ********************************************************** J. Edgar Hoover Building Basement Office Tuesday Evening 8pm I am still rambling around the office. How pathetic is that? But I couldn't stand the thought of going home. After yesterday, I feel a little off I guess. I know that something happened yesterday, but I don't have any proof. Scully thinks I'm crazy. But I guess that's nothing new. She usually does. I knew she wouldn't believe my theory of a time loop. But it was all I could come up with. And it was the only thing that made sense given these visions and thoughts I've been having. I keep having this pain in my chest, above my heart. I thought at first I was having a heart attack. But then I realized it was more like a ghost pain. Nothing solid, just enough to let me know it was there. I keep seeing Scully looking at me with such sadness in her eyes as she holds me. I don't understand. Nothing happened yesterday. To us at least. I sigh and sit down in front of my computer. Maybe if I can finish my report on the bank robbery I can put all that away and forget. Not likely, but it's worth a try. I open the file and then just stare at it. This isn't going to get me anywhere. Without thinking I pick up the phone and dial Scully's number. She answers on the second ring. "Scully." "It's me," I say, wondering briefly when we became 'me' to each other. "What's up, Mulder?" "I'm trying to write my report of the bank robbery yesterday, but I'm having some trouble getting my thoughts in order." "And you called me because you thought I could get your thoughts in order?" she asked, her voice full of a tease. "Actually I was hoping maybe you'd let me read your report. Maybe that will help to clarify a few things for me." "Ah, so you want to cheat off of me, huh?" she laughs. "Hey, you know me, Scully," I say, playing along. "Anything to keep from doing my own work." She laughed lightly. "Well, I suppose I can let you cheat. You'll owe me though." "Fair enough." "Give me about five minuets and I'll e-mail it to ya. I was just finishing up." "Okay. Thanks, Scully," I say. "Anytime," she answers and then I'm listening to the dial tone. That's something else about us. We very rarely say goodbye. I'm not sure if it's because we are afraid to or what. It's just a quirk we have. Most people think it's very strange, but it's just us. I like it that way. I start looking for a pen to make some notes, but I can't find one. I get up and walk over to Scully's desk, pulling open the drawer. My eye catches an envelope tucked inside. I pull the corner just enough to see who it is addressed to and my breath catches. It's addressed to me. Or to 'M', but that's me. I wonder what it is. My mind immediately jumps to the Worst conclusions. Maybe it's a transfer request. Maybe she's thinking of leaving me. I know I shouldn't, but I can't seem to resist. I pull it out and carefully unfold the paper. I have to know what it says so that I can be prepared if she's leaving, I rationalize as I start to read her careful script. 'M~ This can't be happening. It just can't. But it is. Even though I try desperately to deny it, it is all too real. I'm sitting in the floor of this bank cradling Mulder's head in my lap. My hands are pressed firmly against his chest, trying desperately to stop the insane amount of blood that he's losing. I know that it won't help, but I try anyway. I know that the bullet hit his heart, that he's going to bleed to death here in my arms and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. Not with a madman wired with a bomb standing between me and freedom. I watch Mulder struggle to breath, his eyes focusing on my face, trying to tell me all the things he never said before it's too late. I'm terrified, of what he's trying to say and of what I never said. I lean over, my lips brushing his ear, and say the words that I should have said so long ago. "I love you, Mulder." As the words leave my mouth I feel Mulder's heart stop beating beneath my hands. My eyes fly to his face, desperate for any sign of life. He stares unseeingly back at me, death having taken the light from his eyes. Pain, unbearable agony, shoots through me. My heart almost stops with his and I feel my soul tearing in half. I will not be able to live without him. I will slowly bleed to death too. And then a few desperately agonizing seconds later all memory that I have ceases. But it didn't happen. It couldn't have happened. I saw Mulder today at work. He was fine. He did not die in that bank yesterday. It wasn't real. But it *was* real. Too real to be a dream and not possibly true. I know what Mulder thinks. A time loop that finally was broken when Pam died. A time loop? I'm a scientist. Things like that can't be proven. I need hard facts, evidence. But the only evidence I have is my own memory. And it is definitely a memory. So what to do with my so called evidence? I have a memory. And I also have solid proof that Mulder did not die yesterday. I touched his arm, felt him warm and alive beneath my hand. I looked into his eyes, shining with laughter and life. No, he didn't die. But I remember it happening. I remember. And that is killing me, slowly. The phantom feel of his heart stopping beneath my hands has been my torture all day. Three times today I had to wash my hands to wash away the feel of his blood seeping between my fingers. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. My relationship with Mulder is so complicated. And I cherish it with everything that I have. Mulder and I have been to hell and back together. We have fought beside one another and for one another for six years. He became the best friend that I have ever had and the only person that I truly trust. I've learned that Mulder will always be there for me, no matter what. And I will always be there for Mulder. That was true even when we were first partnered. I put myself on the line for him more than once in the last six years, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I wouldn't do for anyone else the things that I've done or will do for Mulder. He holds that place in my heart. He is the only one. I was always taught to be honest and moral and brave and honorable. I've always been that way, lived by Ahab's rule for life. For Mulder I have compromised every last one of those things. But in the end I realized that what looked like a compromise was actually sticking to my guns and my morals. I wouldn't trade what I have with Mulder for anything. I can look at this man and instantly know what he's thinking, can watch him move and know exactly what he feels. And he can do the same with me. Not one person in a million finds someone like that. Someone they are so connected to, so in tune with. But I have. I have found that in my dark and brooding partner, in my Mulder. Yes, I think of him as mine. I have ever since he first told me about Samantha. It's odd, he doesn't even know I think of him that way. And yet, I can't help it. He is mine. I wonder if he feels it as strongly as I do. I know that Mulder blames himself for a lot of what has happened to me over the last six years. It isn't his fault. And I meant what I told him that time. I wouldn't trade any of it. I wouldn't change a day. I do not regret my decision to stand by him. Oh, I have my regrets don't get me wrong. I regret that I will never see my sister again. I would have taken that bullet for you in a second. I think you know that. I regret that Mulder still doesn't have any answers to what happened to his sister. I would trade myself for Samantha in a heartbeat. I regret that his father was killed before Mulder got to hear the truth he was seeking. Most of all I regret that I will never be able to give Mulder the child I know he yearns for. But I have come to understand that I am right where I am meant to be. I believe that you understand that as well. Even with things I regret, I wouldn't change any of it. I hope you can forgive me for that. I think that you would. I think that you know, had always known, that my destiny lay with Mulder. I think you knew that from the first time you met him. So, what's the problem you ask? Well, I have committed the ultimate sin. I have fallen in love with my partner. I'm not sure when it happened exactly. I know it was there the first - and the last - time I called him Fox. (That doesn't matter now, he could never be anyone but Mulder. Although it does irritate me that other people are allowed to call him Fox and I'm not.) But I didn't call it love then. I called it loyalty. I didn't call it love until the cancer almost took me. I knew then that I was completely and hopelessly in love with him. When I put my fate in his hands and blindly made the leap of faith he was asking for, I knew. And the problem? I do not believe that Mulder is in love with me. I know that he loves me, cares for me, and trusts me. But I do not think that he is actually *in love* with me. And therein lies my problem. I don't think I could stand to work beside him everyday, knowing that he knows how I feel if he doesn't return my feelings. So I don't know what to do. Because now I know the intense pain that comes from losing him, from knowing that he died without knowing how I felt about him. He has been so alone in his life, has never known the kind of pure, unconditional love that you and I took for granted. I can give him that. He has it, he just doesn't know it. And that is so wrong. He deserves to know. He deserves to have that and so much more. What can I do about it? Not a damn thing. I can't stand the thought of him looking at me with pity. And I can't stand the thought of losing him without him knowing. I'm between Ahab's famous rock and a hard place. To tell him might mean to give up the one thing I hold so dear, him. And to not tell him and end up losing him to death would mean pure torture for me. So, I'll do the only thing I can. I'll keep my mouth shut. And I'll keep him close to me. I'll protect him and do my damnedest to make sure that I always win that fight with death when it comes to Mulder. I will stand beside him, behind him, and in front of him when danger lurks. And I'll gladly torture and kill anyone that tries to take him from me or inflict anymore pain on him. And I'll pray that someday he will look at me and see what I see when I look at him. A soul mate, and the only person in this world or any other that I could ever love. I wish you were here now, Missy. Maybe you could tell me what to do. You always knew what was best. Love you, Sis. ~D' By the time I finished reading the letter I could barely breathe. Oh my god....Scully loves me. No, Scully is *in love* with me. My heart is pounding and I think for a moment I'm going to pass out. This can't be real. I realized a little ways into it that it wasn't for me, but by then I just couldn't put it down. I should have. I had no business reading Scully's letter to Missy, but I just couldn't stop. I sink slowly down into Scully's chair, still staring at the letter in my hand. What am I going to do? I've only been in love with Scully for years. Ever since they tried to separate us in the beginning. She met me in the parking garage of the Watergate. And I knew then, as I realized that I desperately wanted to see her just because, that I had fallen for her. All these years we've wasted. But now I know. Only, I'm not supposed to know. How am I going to explain to her? She's going to be so angry at me for reading this. I can feel the tears in my eyes as I carefully fold the letter and replace it in the envelope. I've wanted her for longer than I can remember. And I think of her as mine, too. I always have. And even if she doesn't know it, I already considered myself hers. She never had to worry about that. I know that I'm going to have to talk to her about this. Now that I know I can't go on pretending not to. I can't keep hiding my feelings from her. We have a chance, a chance to have something wonderful in the midst of all this pain and anguish. I can't let that chance pass me by, even if she gets angry at me. I can only hope that she'll find it in her heart to forgive me...again. Like she has so many times before. It's the only chance I've got. I have to take it. I pick up the phone and dial her number before I can change my mind. I have to do this now or I'll chicken out. It rings three times before she answers this time. I don't bother to identify myself, she knows who it is anyway by the way she answers the phone. "What now, Mulder?" She doesn't sound annoyed, but rather joking. "Scully, I need you," I say, forcing my voice out around the large lump in my throat. I sound desperate to my own ears. "What's wrong, Mulder?" She asks, her voice instantly sounding alert. I can hear movement on the other end of the line that signals she's already moving. It breaks my heart as I realize that she's always been this way, ready whenever to watch my back. Now I know why. "I..I just need you to meet me, Scully," I manage to tell her. "Meet me at our spot." "Mulder, you're scaring me," she says, her voice low and concerned. I almost laugh at the irony of that, but hold it in. "Are you okay?" "I'm okay, Scully. Just meet me," I answer. "I'm on my way," she says. And I am again listening to the dial tone. I take a deep breath and stand up. I pause for only a second. Then I tuck the letter into my jacket pocket and head out the door. I'm a nervous wreck, but I'm going to do this. ************ ************ 45 minuets later Reflecting Pool Washington, D.C. I can see him sitting there as I approach. He's got his head down, his elbows resting on his legs. I can see the tension in his body even from a distance. I unconsciously quicken my pace at his obvious distress. Something is definitely wrong. I stop beside him, all my senses on alert as I look around before sitting down. He doesn't look up, doesn't acknowledge my presence even though I know he knows I'm here. I wait, knowing that he will tell me when he's ready. He finally glances up at me and then quickly looks back at the ground. "Scully," he says, and then stops, drawing a deep breath. "What's going on, Mulder?" I finally ask, that fear that I'd been fighting since he called returning in full force. "You really are scaring me." "You don't need to be scared, Scully," he laughs, sounding strained. "I should be." "Mulder, please," I beg, reaching out and gently touching his arm. "Please tell me what's going on." "Scully, I have to tell you something," he begins, still talking to the ground. "Please, no matter what before you leave talk to me." I furrow my brow. That didn't make any sense. He really is scaring me now. "Mulder, I won't leave. I'm here. Now tell me." He sighs heavily and then starts again. "I know I don't have any right to ask for forgiveness, but I'm going to anyway. Scully, I did something I shouldn't have done. It *was* an honest mistake at first. But that's no excuse. I don't have an excuse." "Mulder, what are you talking about?" I ask, my voice clearly showing my uncertainty. He took a deep breath and reached into his pocket. I could see the envelope, but I didn't know what it was. When he spoke his voice was full of tears. "Scully, I saw it when I was looking for a pen. I know, it isn't an excuse, but I honestly thought it was for me. When I realized it wasn't...well, I just couldn't put it down. I'm sorry, Scully, I read your letter to Missy." He handed me the envelope, his hand shaking. I didn't know what to say, my heart was pounding in my ears and I couldn't seem to catch my breath. My letter to Missy. I had said a lot of things that I never intended to tell Mulder. "Oh, god," I managed to say, tears beginning to leak from my eyes. "Yeah, that's what I thought," he answered. He drew a deep breath and started talking again. "Scully, please say you can forgive me. Please don't leave me because of this." I couldn't think straight. All I could think was what was about to happen. Mulder was about to tell me that he didn't love me, but he doesn't want me to leave our partnership. I don't think I can handle it. No, I know I can't. Not right now, not after everything that's happened the last two days. I stand up, stumbling backwards a few steps as I try to talk around the lump in my throat. "I'm sorry, Mulder. I just...I can't do this right now. I have to go." And then I turn around and run. It's the only thing I can do. Everything in my mind is whirling and my heart feels like it is breaking in half. I can hear his footsteps behind me, but I don't stop. I can't. I'm almost to my car when I feel his hand land on my arm. He gently pulls, causing me to turn and stumble into his chest. I try to move back, but his arms are banded around my waist and I can't move at all. Maybe this is best. Maybe not having to see his face is the best way to hear what I know he is going to say. I sag into him, but I don't look up. I draw a deep breath and try one more time to get away, pulling against his grip and pushing my hands against his chest. His grip tightens and I realize that he isn't going to let me go. "Please, Scully, please. Hear me out. I love you...you can't walk away from me like this," he begs. I can hear the pain and desperation in his voice. But what causes my heart to skip a beat is the truth that I hear in his voice. I know he feels it when I freeze because his grip on me relaxes slightly. I can feel his body trembling slightly against me. His breath is fast and shallow and I suddenly realize that he is afraid to speak. It dawns on me slowly that he didn't mean to say what he said. He meant the words, but he hadn't meant to blurt it out the way he had. And now he doesn't know what to say. Somehow that makes me feel a little better. I know that doesn't sound right, but it's true. I also realize that I don't have to try so hard to think of something to say. Finally Mulder draws a deep breath and starts to talk again. "Scully, look at me, please." I take a deep, steadying breath and slowly raise my head until my eyes are locked with his. "I do love you. I've always been yours, from the beginning. And you've always had the right to call me Fox, I just never let them call me Mulder." My eyes filled with tears, but I held onto them, knowing if I didn't I'd never get the words out that I needed to say. "I don't know how to tell you what I need to say, Mulder." "Don't say anything," he answered quietly. "You've already said enough. Let me get this out before I can't." I nodded, watching his face carefully. He closed his eyes for a moment and drew a deep breath. When he opened his eyes I was caught by what was there. He had finally let down that last wall that had always been there. I could see everything that he felt shining back at me from the depths of his soul. I couldn't do anything but stand there and stare back at him. "I have been yours since Oregon. Since you didn't run from me. All the times you could have, all the times you should have. But you never did. I never understood why you stayed. You gave up so much to stay with me. I gave up nothing in return. You lost so much because of me. I lost nothing in return. I have only gained because of my relationship with you. And you have only lost because of yours with me. "I come so close to losing you so many times. I have always known what it would do to me to lose you without telling you how I felt about you. But I have always known that I would never let anything happen to you as long as I lived. All those times, when I was too late, when I was chasing you, searching for you, and trying to get there before it was too late. I never gave up. I always knew that as long as there was breath in my body I would find you and you would be okay. I always knew that death would be the only thing that would stop me. Because it's the only thing that can. Because I love you and nothing and no one can keep me from you. I'm yours. I love you, with all my heart and all my soul. With everything that I am. Always." He stops, his eyes filled with tears. They are contained, but they are there. He seems to be struggling with the words, fighting to find a way to get them out. Finally he draws a deep breath and catches my hand with his. He slowly draws it up and places it firmly, palm down, on his chest over his heart. I can feel his heart beating. It is strong and slightly fast as he holds me, his body trembling still. "I am alive, Scully. My heart is still beating. I did not die in that bank yesterday." He pauses for a moment and all I can do is stare at him. "But I remember. I remember laying there, looking up at you. Knowing I was going to die there in your arms. Feeling the life drain out of me. Watching your face fade from my vision even as I felt your hands pressed against my chest, trying to stop what was happening." I stand there stunned. For a brief moment I can feel the warm sticky feeling of his blood running between my fingers and I have to squeeze my eyes closed to block out the image. I draw a deep breath and slowly open my eyes again, looking in awe at my hand over his heart, feeling it beating there in his chest. Finally I understand everything that is happening here. I get it. I know now what happened yesterday and today. No, Mulder didn't die in that bank, but he almost did. I almost lost the man that I love and I haven't ever said that to him. He doesn't know how I really feel. Yes, he read those words in the letter that I wrote to Missy, but I have yet to say them out loud to him. I look up and meet his worried gaze. "Mulder, I have watched you die in my mind over and over again all day. I have washed my hands to wash away the phantom feel of your blood all day long." I stopped talking and drew a shuddering breath, the lump in my throat causing my voice to shake slightly. I sighed and shook my head slightly. "But the worst part of all of that was knowing in my heart that it wasn't a dream. That I watched you die yesterday and you had never heard me say that I love you. That I am in love with you. That I have been for years. That you are the only man in the world that could hold this place in my heart. That I would do anything for you, go anywhere for you. That I will always be there for you when you need me. I will always find you when you are lost. Every single time that I have needed you have been there. No one else can say that. I never doubted that you would always find me when I was lost and I hope that you never doubted that I would find you, Mulder. Because just like you said, death is the only thing that would keep me away." His eyes slip close and I see the tears that slid slowly down his face. I can tell that he is stunned, but that he is fighting for control of his emotions. His eyes open slowly and I am snared by what I see there. His normally hazel eyes have turned a deep emerald with flecks of gold swirling in them. They are filled with love, amazement, surprise, hope, and awe. I've never seen this look on Mulder's face before. Oh, I've seen shades of this look, but never this complete look. Never like this. I think I like it. He leans slowly toward me, giving me time to stop him. I don't. His lips gently brush across mine. The kiss is soft and slow, a gentle promise of what is to come. I return it in kind. When he pulls away my heart is racing and we are both smiling uncertain smiles. "We are going to be okay, aren't we, Scully?" he asks quietly. "Yeah," I answer, just as quietly. "We will be just fine." He pulls me against his chest again and we stand that way for a long time. I can't help but feel relieved. I finally feel like we really will be okay. Thank god for time loops. THE END!!!!