From: DAMACIA JOHNSON Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2000 13:47:12 -0400 Subject: xfc: The Monster Within By Mulderslady Source: xfc The Monster Within by Mulderslady DISCLAIMER: They don't belong to me, wish they did. Only Mais Cooper does. RATING: Hard R to Nc-17 (for violence and other disturbing things :0)) CLASSIFICATION: S, A, Mental and Physical MT, MSR, AU KEYWORDS: MSR, Mulder and Scully angst, Physical and Mental MT, AU SPOILERS: None! URL: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Capsule/5160/monster.html FEEDBACK: Please!!! at damacia@home.com ARCHIVE: Oh yeah, anywhere!! SUMMARY: Mulder fights his inner monster, but will he win?? Note from Author:: There are a few disturbing scenes of violence and mental instability. If this disturbs you, don't look any further. :0) Special Thanks to Chris for the title and just being the way you are. I think I made another PD Tonga! This Mulder's for you! *************************&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&& I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live With out my hand on his throat; I fight him always and still O darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy How crazy I am You say you don't spook easy, you won't go, but I know And I pray that you will Fast as You Can by Fiona Apple &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&********************* *********** He stared at the pictures of the woman, then the man behind the glass. He's being too nice to that Fucker. He beat her to death with his bare hands and he gets coffee and cigarettes while he dances around a confession??!! He threw down the picture and broke through the interrogation room door. "Agent Mulder!! Stop!!" The agent inside said as Mulder let out a savage growl, throwing the suspect against the wall and whipping out a huge knife from his back pocket, putting it at the suspect's neck. "Two seconds tell us now, we know you did it, tell us why?!" The man hesitated and Mulder pushed the knife in more. "AAAHHHHH!!!!! Ok, ok she didn't have my dinner on the table waiting! I'd warned her all week about it." Mulder let up a little, slashing the man lightly across the throat. "You will burn in hell for what you did, I'll make sure of it you cocksucker!" Mulder said storming out of the room. He walked back to his desk, stabbing the knife into it as he collapsed in his chair. He slammed his fist against his desk, letting out a primal scream that stopped everything in the room. "WHOA! What's up with Spooks?" "Heard he ruffed up some prep who killed his wife." "Mulder and his battered women causes. He's going to get it one day." 3 days later "Agent Mulder, this is the 15th suspect you've assaulted like this in under 3 months, is something bothering you?" his boss Bill Patterson asked concerned "NO sir, it just irks me that they think they can get away with it." Mulder said flatly "Agent Mulder you are not judge and jury. I can not have you issuing your own justice. You pull it together or I'll be forced to suspend you and make you see a therapist, you understand?" "Yes Patterson sir, sorry." "Ok son, go out there and give me some justice." "Always do." That night "Outta the way boy!" "No I can't let you hurt her." A bottle crashing over the boy's head. "Stupid bastard! Why can you just do as your told! Now you have to watch." "NO! Daddy no Stop!! SAMANTHA!!!" Mulder bolted awake, covered in sweat. He rushed into the bathroom and splashed his face with water. "Pull it together Mulder, you weren't this bad 6 months ago. You can't keep flying off the handle like this. They aren't all Sam, they can't all be saved." He said to himself softly, "Yes they are, yes I will or I'll die trying!!" he screamed at his reflection before putting his fist through the mirror. 3 weeks later "Prick Bastard!" Mulder said as he launched himself at the suspect. "She was a 5 year old girl, you sick Fuck!" He screamed as he brought his gun down along the man's head. "HEY! WHOA! Mulder stop! Stop!" His partner said, trying to pull him off. Mulder pushed him off and charged the suspect again, as more hands grabbed him, subduing him quickly. That afternoon "SIR!" Mulder pleaded with Patterson "NO! I warned you enough times, this is the last straw! You could have killed him, then what? No, you are suspended with pay until a Therapist releases you for active duty period! Effective immediately!" Mulder sighed and hung his head in disappointment. "Look Mulder, you're the best we have, but you have to do something about this anger. Is something happening that . . ." "No sir, who's the therapist you want me to see?" Next day "Dr. Cooper, your 2 p.m. is here." "Ok send him in." Mulder walked in and smiled at the young woman with light brown hair and green eyes behind the desk. "Dr. Cooper?" "Yes Mais Cooper, you can call me Mais if you like." "Fox William Mulder, call me Mulder please." Mais smiled, wow he's cute. Tall with short spiky hair, amazing muddy green eyes. Pleasant enough, but aren't they all. "I hear you have some problems controlling your anger." "Only with cases involving domestic abuse and children. I take them like a personal affront." "Why?" "Cause I don't like it." "A lot of people don't like it, but you seem to . . ." Mulder glared at her a second, then looked around the office. Mais watched him nervously. She had never been this intimidated by a patient before. He's like a time bomb, there is something behind this, possible past abuse, something. "So I've been reading your file impressive! Harvard, then Oxford for Psychology top of your class, top profiler in VCS and BSU." "Yeah." "I know you don't want to be here and I know you don't think there is anything wrong Mulder, personally neither do I. I'd let you run through every prison in America and break people like you describe, but you can't as an officer of the law run around and try to kill . . ." "I know Mais, I'm just tired of them getting away scot-free." "Do you have a girlfriend Mulder?" Mais asked changing subjects momentarily "No." "Why not?" "Don't have the time." "You should make the time." Mulder smiled slightly "Thanks, guess I have time now, don't I?" "Yeah it seems like it. You know I think there is something bothering you that you can't even understand." "And you think what, if I get a girlfriend, get laid every once and a while I'll feel better?" Mulder said sarcastically. "No, I think you spend too much energy on your job, it's become your life and you need a break. You need some sort of outlet. Your file says you used to run, but stopped last year. I've noticed that your violent behavior has increased since then. You need to do something besides work and finding creative ways to kill child abusers." Mulder smiled "And wife beaters don't forget them." "Ok that's enough. This time good for you, or you want a different time?" One Week Later It's been one week since I started therapy with Agent Mulder and I have had little insight into him except the fact that he is very, very angry. Something tells me something happened in his childhood that caused this, but what?" Mais said into her micro recorder as she prepped for her next session with Mulder. 2 weeks later Joggers Trail Mulder bent to tie his shoe and looked up to see a creamy smooth leg in front of him. He looked up at the owner of the leg, staring at the stunning red head before him. "Wow." He said quietly, rising from his knees. She was petite, firm legs, curvy figure barely concealed by her shirt and shorts. "Hi, you new?" she said in a husky voice that left him breathless. "Hi um not really, I stopped for a while, coming back. I've never seen you . . ." "I just moved into town 6 months ago." Mulder nodded, his eyes running over her appreciatively. "Yeah well . . ." "Want to run together? I'll go slow." She said with a smile "K sure. So how long you been in town?" Mulder winced at the stupid question and she laughed as she started a slow jog. "Six months, but thanks for asking." "What's your name?" "Dana Scully." "Fox William Mulder." "Fox? That's unique. Your mom just knew you were going to be a cutie." Mulder blushed. "What do you do Fox? You look like a cop." "That obvious? I'm an FBI agent." "Really? On vacation?" "Yeah." "Great." "What do you do Dana?" "Medical examiner over at GUMC." "Like it?" "Love it. Dead people are the best patients." Mulder laughed. "You know you don't have to go this slow for me." "Ok then hold on, shifting gears." She said as she shot off. WHOA! Mulder thought as he hurried to catch up. "Wow, you weren't kidding." Mulder said breathlessly. "Ah you kept up well. Next time you'll be prepared." Dana said with a smile "What are you doing for lunch Dana?" "Having lunch with my brother." "OH maybe another time." Mulder said slightly disappointed "How about dinner?" "What?" "Dinner, you and me eat dinner together tonight." Dana teased. "Um well yeah, yeah that's good um what time?" "Seven?" "Great um I'll pick you up?" "Better if I meet you. Let's see the Jewish Mother be ok with you?" "Perfect see you there at 7." He watched her walk away and practically fainted onto the bench. "Good god she was gorgeous!" he said with a sigh as he tried to catch his breath. 2 months later Mulder walked over to the jogging trail and frowned when he didn't see her. Where was she? She was never late, he thought as he started to stretch. He felt a feather light touch on his back and smiled. He knew it was her. "Hey." "Hey Fox sorry I'm late. Bike gotta flat, ready?" Dana said quickly "Yeah, I thought something had happened to you, you're never late." Dana smiled "How sweet, come on I'm going to go full speed today, hope I don't hurt you too bad." "You're getting better." Dana said at the end of the trail "You're getting faster." Mulder said slightly out of breath. Dana smiled at him "You know I really like you Fox." Mulder blushed "I really like you too Dana." "How much?" His eyes widened and Dana laughed "Just kidding, you're on a long vacation." "Yeah." "Fired?" "Suspended with pay." "Wonder why. Well you can tell me later when you come by for pizza and a movie tonight. See you later Foxy." Dana said leaning up and kissing him gently on the cheek before getting on her bike and leaving. 2 p.m. Therapist's office "Hey Mais." "Hi Mulder, you seem in a better mood." "Yeah." "Want to tell me about it?" "Maybe." Mais giggled "You met someone, didn't you?" "Some one doesn't describe her. She's perfect . . ." he stopped suddenly "Said too much?" "Yeah but I guess it would have come out one way or the other. I think I'm in love!" "Well! How long have you been hiding this from me?" "About 2 months. I mean were just friends, but I want it to be more. I think she does too, but I'm not sure." "Well I'm happy for you. So . . ." "When do I get to go back to work?" "You still haven't handled your anger problem Mulder." Mulder sighed "You still haven't told me where it comes from. I need to know so I can help you work through it and get you back where you want to be." "Working." "Exactly, now . . ." "My father beat me from the age four till I was 12. I . . I . . ." Mulder started suddenly. "You what?" "NO." "No what?" "It hurts I . . .I can't ok, I can't tell you what he did." "Are you an only child Mulder?" Mais asked hoping to change the subject, keep him talking. "I . . . I had a sister. I had a sister and the fucking bastard killed her." "Who?" Mais asked with concern. God what is he going to tell me? She thought "NO!" he screamed, standing up quickly. "Who killed your sister Mulder?" "I said no! So back the Fuck off me!" Mulder said picking up the chair he had been in and throwing it against the wall with an angry growl. Mais ducked under her desk, peeking back up at him with fearful eyes. His demeanor changed instantly. "OH god Mais, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't hurt you, did I? Did I? God I'm sorry, I'm turning into my father!" he said softly his voice like a child's "Mulder, you're not turning into your father. You're too strong to turn into him. I won't let you ok?" Mulder nodded "I'm sorry Mais, I need to go." "Ok I'll see you tomorrow." 7 p.m. "Hey right on time, Pizza just got here." Dana said tucking a strand of her fiery hair behind her ear as she opened the door. "Fox? What happened?" she said her smile dropping as she looked at his tear stained face. "Fox?" He nodded no and hugged her tightly. "Oh Fox what's wrong? What happened?" she said softly as she ran her hands through his silky hair, leading him to the kitchen table. "Come on sit down." "I have to tell you Dana. I have to tell you a secret." Mulder said softly, almost inaudibly. "OK." "Promise you won't tell anyone." "I promise." "My father . . . my father killed my sister when I was 12." Dana gasped, opening the pizza, handing him a slice. "How?" "He was drunk, in a rage, he came after her and I . . . I tried to stop him. He hit me in the head with a bottle and tied me to the radiator then made me watch him beat her to death with a tire iron. I couldn't . . . I couldn't protect her. I always promised to protect her. Dana?" "Yes?" he grabbed another slice of pizza and took a bite before saying "I was suspended with pay cause every time I cross paths with a child abuser, molester or a domestic violence situation of any kind I . . . I go off. I beat the shit out of them and I don't know if one day I'm going to kill someone. I have to see a therapist everyday till I'm fit for duty again." Dana nodded, listening intently, grabbing another slice of pizza "Dana? Are you afraid of me now?" "No." she said steadily, holding his intense gaze. "Really? I don't want you to be afraid of me." He said getting up and coming over to her, kneeling down in front of her, placing his head against her chest. "What do you want Fox?" he looked up into her loving blue eyes and smiled. "I want to be loved. I want you to love me." She leaned down and kissed him gently on the forehead. He leaned up capturing her lips in a tender kiss. He stood slowly, taking her with him as he slanted his mouth over hers, tasting her. He clutched her tighter as he deepened the kiss, groaning into her mouth when she tangled her hands in his hair, kissing him back. He tore from her lips breathless. "I want you. Love me please." "Yes." She whispered back, tracing his kiss-swollen lips with her fingertips. They stood there a moment, locked in an embrace till Dana pulled away and took his hand in hers, leading him to her bedroom. Later Mulder clutched her tighter against him and sighed content. "I'm sorry." He said softly "Hmm?" Dana said, snuggling into him more. "I was too rough with you. I'm sorry." "It was okay, you were upset. I kinda liked it anyway." She finally opened her eyes and he drowned in her azure wonders. "I think I love you Dana." She smiled and hugged him tighter. "I love the way you smell." She said softly, making him laugh, "I love how your laugh rumbles in your chest." "Do you think you can love me? I hope you can, I need to be loved." Dana kissed his chest gently, working up to his lips, tasting him. "How could I not love a man who tastes this good?" She purred as she crawled over top of him, kissing him harder. Noon "Don't you need to be at work?" "No I took the day off. I . . .if you don't mind, can I come with you today?" "To therapy?" Mulder asked, taking the cup of coffee she offered. "Yeah." "Well alright." She ran her fingers through his spiky hair and smiled at him "You haven't had a lot of practice with girlfriends, have you?" "No, I usually don't have time." "You should make time." "Now you sound like my therapist. I need to go home and . . ." "K I'll come with you." "Uh . . ." "What, hiding your dead wife in you're closet or is your apartment that dirty?" He smiled. "Both." 2 p.m. Mais came out into the lobby and leaned over to say something to her secretary Beth when Mulder came in, hand in hand with Dana. Mais quirked an eyebrow, smiling slightly when he bent and kissed Dana gently on the lips. "I'll wait right here." He nodded, reluctantly letting go of her hand, heading to Mais' office. "Hey Mulder be in, in a minute." "K" Mais quickly gave Dana the once over, nodding with approval before heading into her office. "Well! That her?" "Yeah Dr. Dana Scully." "Nice." She said with a smile, blushing slightly at his smiling face. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think someone got laid last night." Mais teased "I did." Mais turned crimson "Well I guess she liked you more than a friend too then." "Definitely, lost count how many times we made love last night, oh and this morning." Mulder smiled at her crimson face, "Is this embarrassing you Mais?" "A tad, I'll get over it. So yesterday we had a bit of a breakthrough, no pun intended." "Yeah I'm sorry, did I leave a dent?" "Yeah, but now I get to finally have my walls painted the color I want when it's fixed." "Sorry about that." "It's okay you were upset. At least you redirected your anger." "I don't hit women." He said flatly. "So . . . shall we continue with yesterday's line of thought?" "My father killed my sister in front of me when I was helpless to protect her." "What do you mean?" Mais felt a chill creeping up her spine at the admission "He knocked me out with a bottle, tied me to the radiator and beat her to death with a tire iron." Mais closed her eyes and shuddered. This is far worse than I imagined, she thought as she asked, "What about your mom?" "She wasn't home." "Where was she?" "Who knows." Mulder said viciously. "What?" "She'd leave come back, promise to take us with her, then leave again." "What about after . . . " "After he killed Sam, she blamed me for not protecting her. I . . . I . . . stop." "Stop what?" Mais asked confused. "I don't want to remember." "You have to . . ." "I don't have to do shit! Why do I have to be responsible for everything?! It's my fault Sam's gone, my fault dad beat her to death, my fault he beat me, my fault my mom wasn't ever around. Everything is my damn fault and I'm tired of it! So yeah it feels good to beat the shit out of suspects! It feels like I'm finally fighting back, getting payback for everything that happened to me! Every time I beat one of those fuckers down I feel, I feel like I'm beating him. Fighting the monster within me, preventing myself from becoming him." WHOA! Mais thought as she watched Mulder closely. He's got that 'about to go off' look Mais tread carefully, she thought as she asked, "So what happened after your sister was killed?" "I was put in a foster home, never saw my dad or mom again. My foster parents thought it was a hardship to feed me and keep me in clothes that fit. Not my fault I had growth spurts that first year. I was six foot by the time I was 14, ate like a horse. They joked about just getting me a feed bag and strapping it on my mouth." Mais smiled slightly. "You did so well in school, I was under the impression that your foster parents . . ." "My foster parents just gave me a safe place to live, nothing more. School was my escape. Only place I got recognized, the only place where I felt normal." "Mulder . . ." "I don't want your pity Mais. I don't want your understanding, I want you to sign that paper and let me go back to work." "You're not ready for that Mulder, look at you . . ." "I am not upset!!!" he growled "Yes you are!" "Don't tell me what I am or what to do! I can't help it! NOW let me go back to work dammit right now!" he said standing over her menacingly. "Back down Mulder! You are out of control. You are not going back to work until you can get this behavior under control." Mais said in a cool calm voice. Mulder screamed in rage, taking her desk and flipping it over. "FUCK YOU!" he roared as he stormed out of her office. "Fox?" Dana asked concerned. He froze, dropping to his knees quickly, clutching at her. "Oh god I'm sorry, I'm so sorry you had to hear that Dana. Dana? Are you alright? Do you hate me? Are you scared of me?" he said in a pleading childlike voice. "No I'm not scared of you. I don't hate you, I'm fine Fox. Are YOU ok?" "NO." "Alright come on." She rose slowly peeling him off her, linking her fingers with his as they headed out the door. "Whoa, he's screwed up majorly Dr. Cooper." Beth said, "Shame he's drop dead gorgeous." "Take it from me Beth, the good ones are always crazy or married." Mais said, watching Dana kiss Mulder sweetly as she loaded him into the car. "I don't want to go home." Mulder said, quietly as Dana pulled off. "Where do you want to go?" He turned and looked at her with pleading eyes. "Ok." He went and laid on her bed with a sigh. "Want something to drink?" "No. I should never have let you in Dana." "Why?" Dana asked sitting next to him on the bed. "Now you have to deal with me and my twisted psyche. Your going to get tired of it like everyone else, and tell me to pull myself the fuck together or leave." "What do you end up doing?" "I leave. I can't pull myself together, I wish I could." "I won't tire of you Mulder." "They all say that at first, but they all leave." "Were you ever married Mulder?" "Five years, she got tired of me too." Dana reached for him, but he shrank from her, flinching. "I won't hurt you Fox. Let me hold you." Mulder nodded no. "I'm sorry, I need to be alone." "Ok get some rest. I need to go to work for a few hours, will you be here when I get back?" He shrugged and snuggled into her pillow. Dana walked into her apartment, it was still and unnaturally quiet. "Fox?" "NO! Stay away from me, no don't stop!" Dana hurried back to her room and watched him screaming and thrashing on the bed in his sleep. "Fox? Wake up, wake up it's a dream, wake up Fox!" he started awake. "Hey you ok? It was just a dream." He reached and grabbed her quickly, kissing her hard. She started in surprise, smiling when she felt his hands ease up her shirt as he rolled her on her back. "Fox?" "I need you, I need you." He whispered as he moved to kiss and nip at her neck. He quickly undressed her. "Hey, hey slow down, condom." She said, flashing him an unwrapped condom. He snatched it, putting it on quickly, massaging her thighs lightly as he raped her mouth with his, making her open to him. He entered her quickly, thrusting into her slowly, pulling away a little, barely touching her with his fingertips. "So beautiful." He whispered as he held her to him, bracing her against the headboard as he increased the power of his thrusts. A look of pain and ecstasy crossing his face with each trust. She rubbed his back soothingly as she planted soft kisses on his neck. He came with a sob, tearing away from her quickly,. "Sorry, I'm sorry, sorry." He said, pulling on his boxers and pants "You don't have to be sorry Fox. Fox? Where are you going? Come back to bed please?" He froze, his eyes wild, hair standing on end, looking ready to bolt out the door. Dana climbed under the covers and pulled them back, motioning for him to come back. He took off his pants and climbed in next to her. "I'm sorry Dana, don't leave me." "I won't leave you Fox. I'm not going anywhere and neither are you." 2 months later "Subject Fox William Mulder has made some progress. He's involved in a serious relationship, he seems to be coming to grips with his past abuse, but his anger, and guilt are still there. I don't know what to do with him next. He won't open up, he's spiraling to self-destruction. I don t want to lose him, he has such promise." Mais said into her micro recorder as she looked over Mulder's file. Same time "Hey Fox, got Chinese." Dana said putting the food on the table. "Fox?" She saw his head peeking over the couch and went to him. "Fox? Chinese." He looked at her, tears streaking his face. "What happened? What's . . ." he flashed her a piece of paper and dried his eyes. "It is in my professional opinion that . . ." Dana started "That Special Agent Fox William Mulder is not fit for duty and will not be fit for duty in the near future." He said flatly, his voice drenched in pain. "OH hon . . ." "Here, read this one." He said handing her another letter. She read it carefully, gasping quietly looking back at Mulder "OH Mulder." "They fired me! My whole life was the bureau, now it's gone." "They gave you early retirement Mulder, they didn't fire you. It's going to be okay Mulder, we can . . ." "We nothing! I'm screwed up and I can't work anymore." "You can get through this." "Why are you always so Fucking optimistic! I've lost my job. A job I loved! That I lived for! I'm certifiably insane, what is there to look forward to!" Mulder said, standing up and pushing Dana slightly. She stumbled back in shock "Fox lets . . ." "No! I don't want your pity, that's all this is pity! I'm a loser, can't you see that you stupid bitch!" he said, backhanding Dana hard, knocking her to the ground. He started towards her and stopped. The look of confusion and fear on her face melting his anger. "Oh god, oh god I'm . . .I'm so sorry I . . ." Mulder started, only to turn and run out of the apartment. "Fox! Come back Fox!" Dana said getting up and running after him. She followed him up the stairs, climbing out the top of the building, gasping as she watched him run and stand on the edge of the building. He pulled out his gun and put it in his mouth, taking off the safety. "FOX! Don't!" Dana said running over to him, he stepped back a little and she stopped. "I have to." "NO! Don't please Fox, come back inside." "NO I can't, I can't." Tears cascaded down Dana's face as she stepped closer, he inched closer to the edge. "Fox please, let's talk. Please come back inside, don't do this!" Dana pleaded desperately, running a hand through her hair, trying to think of anything to get him to come down. "No, I'm turning into my father. I'm turning into a heartless monster! I'm going to hurt you. I can't do that." "Fox . . ." "I'm turning into my FATHER!" Mulder screamed, tears bathing his face as a stiff wind blew. His hair was caught in the wind flying out of his face to uncover his haunted eyes. "Fox please don't, I love you! I need you!" "I can't let you." "You can't let me what?" Dana said stepping closer, reaching her hand out for him, "Please Fox, take my hand. Please don't leave me." "I can't let you love me. I'll bring you nothing but pain. I can't let you love me Dana." He said, placing the gun back in his mouth and pulling the trigger. The sound of the shot reverberated in the air as the back of his head exploded. Gravity carrying his body down to earth, as the wind sent it into graceful somersaults to the symphony of Dana's horrified screams.